I'm furiously pacing back and forth on the Lifespring's landing.
This late in the night, the other dracos have departed, leaving just the four of us here by ourselves. Zip has taken a seat on the edge of the landing with her legs dangling over, Hilde is standing by with her arms crossed watching me stress myself out, while Penelope is sitting right on the ground with her legs crossed under her. It's been quiet for the past few minutes since we left the pools behind. At this point, I don't even know what to say. Or do. Or think.
Penny softly breaches the silence. "I feel that the… problem is… apparent."
"Apparent," I repeat, thrashing my tail as I walk past. "Sure. That's one way of putting it."
"Maybe to you two," Zip grumbles, scratching her head. "I don't know about Hildy, but I don't have a mind for this… Uh. Research… stuff."
"I have a fair idea," Hilde sighs, head turning to follow me as I go back the other direction. "Red said it earlier. To the Primarch. All evidence so far has been unspecific. Generalized. Sure, there's proof the possibility of historical tampering exists. Xikarius made that much clear. But without a specific case, without solid evidentiary proof, there's very little supporting the conclusion that it has been done."
"All we have…" Penny murmurs, picking at her talons, "is the book. And… Well, I hate to say it, Crim Crim, but…"
"I know." I hiss, sparking a little more red. "I know, I know, I know. The damnable book is one source, and its reliability… Damn it. Damn it. Why couldn't she have fucking answered? Dead end. Dead end…"
"Uh. Yeah, I'm lost. What's wrong with the book?"
Penny explains, "There's nothing wrong with it, per se. It's just that… Scientifically… We have to consider all aspects of the equation. Firstly, one sample or source is not enough. We need multiple others to corroborate anything and everything it claims. The problem there is…"
"Right, right. They're all ashes. Thanks, Vander."
"If," Hilde says, then pauses. "If. They ever existed at all. I'm sorry, red, but Penny just said it. We have to consider all aspects. Including the possibility that this is all completely wrong to begin with."
"Yeah, we do, but it just had to be you who said it, huh?"
"What? What in the Hells is that supposed to mean?"
"That you don't believe me." I glare up at her as I pass again. "You doubt what I'm saying is true."
"Let's… not," Penny hums, moving her tail out of my way. "I'll second what Hilde said. Just as much as we strive to prove this is true, we must also strive to prove it isn't false."
Hearing Penelope say it softens the blow.
But now a new anxiety has entered the mix.
What if they don't believe me?
I can't prove any of this yet.
Damn it. Damn it.
"That's the whole point of this discussion, anyway." Penny flutters her moth wings, sparkling with glistening stardust. "The book's claims cannot be corroborated. Likewise… The book's credibility cannot be verified."
"It can't?" Zip asks, lighting a cigarette with her pale yellow fire. Exhaling smoke and passing it to me, she adds, "But that old Mathis drag did all those tests and said it's legit. Right?"
"But isn't it possible he was mistaken? Or…" Penny hesitates, then sighs. "Or… Maybe it's a very good fake. Not to mention… Well, the source of the source."
"I'm lost again."
"The fucking Fell," Hilde spits, tail curling in disgust. "And that's what's giving me the most pause. Nobody can deny that crazed bitch will do anything to sow doubt, to dismantle the Goddess's Church and our faith in it, to pull everything apart at the seams through any means necessary. Do you disagree, red?"
Penny mutters, "Please, don't fight… Please…"
She's the only thing keeping me from lashing out again.
With an agonized growl through my teeth, I admit, "No."
Hilde pauses, then nods and relaxes a touch. "We're seeking the truth. That's good. I support you in that. But have you given much thought as to what truth it is that you're seeking? And most importantly, the potential consequences or ramifications of doing so? Assuming it's true that the Goddess has tampered with history to further discredit the Fell, who does it actually benefit if this information gets out, and who does it harm? And if we take that question one step further…"
"Shiiit," Zip moans from her perch. "In that case, would it really be a good thing to expose the lie? Fuck, drag. Ow, my head."
"Yes." I take a deep breath of smoke and trade her cigarette back for the flask she's holding up, resuming my pacing as I gulp down a few swigs of whiskey. "Yes. It would be. She's lying to us. I know it. We can't–We can't just… People deserve to know the fucking truth. For better or worse."
"How much worse?" Hilde asks me. "How much worse, red? Say you're right. The Goddess is lying to us. If dracokind turns on Her because of it, what then? The Church crumbles. Our forces fragment. The Heavens divide. And then what? Opportunity. That's what. Opportunity for the Fell to stab wedges in and break everything apart. Without our unified defense, she and her Wretched will obliterate Avi, and rip us all out of the sky."
"I know." My claws are clenched tight. "I know."
"And honestly? So fucking what if Lumos was switched to Vitalius? What actual harm does that do? Okay, the Bastard's slayer eventually fell too, so She gave the credit to someone faithful. And? The Seraphim's legend is an inspiration to every Fable who grows up hearing it. That inspiration helps maintain the Church's cohesion, which protects dracokind and mortalkind from the Wretched Overgrowth. That is a good thing."
Zip muses, "But do the ends justify the means?"
"I don't think…" Penny trails off as she gathers her thoughts, her glowing antennae rubbing together as she wrings her hands. "I don't think that's the issue… Crim Crim agrees with you, right?"
"I sure do! You're right, blue! I know!"
"But… Well, the issue is…" Penny glances up at Hilde. "If She's lying about this, it calls everything else into question as well. Everything…"
"Which digs up even bigger bones," Hilde tells me, reaching a hand. When I begrudgingly take it, she shields me in her wings. "Even if everything is called into question, we do not have evidence to prove any of it one way or another. Red, we need to take a step back. Let's call it a night and go to your place. We can work on finding another approach. And… I think you need some sleep."
"We?" I ask her, clinging tight to her hand. "You're… still going to help?"
"Yes. I said I would." She gives me a tired little smile. "Is that okay with you?"
I find myself sparking for a different reason. Hells, she's so fucking pretty. And tall. And nice. And sweet. "U–Um… Yes… Please."
"Great. May I stay with you tonight?"
"Y–Yes. Um. Yes… You may…"
"Hold on," Zip coughs, blowing smoke as she stands up and comes over. "Yo, Crim, are you sure about this? With her? I mean full offense, Hildy, because you really broke her fucking heart. This here's my friend. I don't want her getting hurt all over again. By you."
"Well, that's awfully confrontational," Hilde growls, showing teeth. "She made the choice. How about you respect that?"
"Because." Zip takes my other arm, expression empty and cold as she stares up at her. "Crim's a bleeding heart. I love her to death for it. But the poor thing tends to forgive a little too easily. I'm trying to make sure you're both serious about whatever this is. Not just caught up in some kind of rush. On both sides. Yours and hers."
"Oh." Hilde's tail swishes. "That's shockingly sensible, Zip."
"I have my moments!"
"Right. Um. Red, I think… We're seeing what happens, aren't we?"
Oh. My heart sinks. I thought she was taking me back. I feel sick. I don't want to see what happens. I want it to be happening right now. Isn't that why she kissed me back? Isn't that why she's here? Doesn't… Doesn't she want me?
No… Why doesn't she want me?
If I say what I want, it will all fall apart.
If I say anything different, this will break.
If I don't go along with it, I'll lose my chance.
My throat is dry and it's hard to swallow. "Um. Y–Yes. That's… We're seeing what happens…"
"See? Nothing all that serious. We're sort of feeling out the waters. Whatever happens happens, you know? Out of anyone here, Zip, I think you know how that goes."
"Oh, do I." She glances at me and grins. "Alright then. Party at Crim's place, yeah?"
I put on a smile. "Yeah. Let's go to mine."
"Killer. Now, you two slowsters are catching rides, because we'll need to fly so we can avoid the no fun patrol. Peppy girl, you're with me. You ever flown on a lightning bolt? It's a damn rush, that's for sure. I'll give you a really nice ride…"
"I… don't like flying fast, but… If it's you…" Penelope gives me a short hug and perks up on her toes to kiss my cheek. "We'll follow you. Okay?"
"Okay," I choke out, then shift forms. It's been a long time since Hilde rode on me. I'm a little excited. Even though my heart is bleeding. When I lower my neck, I remind her, "Close to my head. Hold on tight…"
"Oh, I remember." She casts a few magical protections and slings her leg over my neck. Hells, she's beautiful. Taking hold of my horns, she laughs a little. "Let's see if you've gotten any faster."
I have.
"Wings up!" Zip whoops beside me.
I clap mine to hers. "Wings up."
And then I dive off the edge.
I'm not thinking much as I speed down toward Avi. Like always when I'm flying, I manage to lose myself in the rush. Mindlessly, I navigate the vertical airways with ease, cutting into different cardinal directions to avoid the hot spots where the patrollers are. I'm going so fast that nothing around me has any shape or any structure, only what's dead ahead. In a sense, it's soothing. A little reminder that so long as I stay focused on what's in front of me, sometimes my periphery doesn't matter, and neither does any of the rest that falls behind me.
Except that which is in front of me is not what I expect.
I thought I was going home. There is no home for me.
Instead, I realize that I'm racing to my breaking point.
On my skyland, I find nothing but a smoldering ruin.