The two of us walked through the crowd, in between the stalls being set up for the festival tonight. Lanterns hung from ropes overhead, swaying slightly in the warm breeze. The scent of frying oil, fresh wood, and dust filled the air. I kept my eyes on the ground—his shoes… and my sandals. He walked beside me, matching my steps.
Just as I looked down again…
He, suddenly pulled me by the arm. I blinked up in surprise—he was looking right at me. I had almost bumped into someone. He held me steady as I looked around at the bustling street; most stalls were already set up, vendors calling out to one another.
Dilek had changed into a white shirt with dark brown pants. It suited him.
The two of us walked awkwardly beside each other as Dilek said, "Kelid, the dress looks good on you."
I turned to him and smiled softly. "Thanks. Your dress looks good too…"
"This? Oh, well, this is something I wore in a hurry. What about you?"
"Hela helped me…" I said, glancing at him. There they were—his same distant eyes, but softened with a smile.
"Hela, huh? Wait, did she force you?"
I blinked in surprise. "N-No… she just gave me this dress…"
"Is that so?" Dilek smiled as he continued walking.
"You know, Dilek… you are weird," I said. "I don't know why, but you are really weird. I feel like you aren't honest with yourself."
"Honest?" Dilek kept looking ahead. I watched him. He didn't look at me. I nodded.
"Yes… I feel like you aren't honest with me. You have lots of secrets."
"Haha… You too, you know? You just took my name and reversed it."
"Do you hate it?" I asked. Dilek stiffened, turning slightly red.
"Not that I mind it…"
I smiled at his reaction. "I will tell you… I will tell you everything. Some other time."
For now, I walked toward one of the stalls where a man was frying meat on sticks. Smoke curled into the sky, and the air sizzled with heat. I bought two skewers.
Dilek said, "Let me p—"
"I already did." I handed him one. He took a bite.
"OOF— HOT… HOT—"
His reaction made me laugh as he quickly blew air on it, cheeks puffed. I took a soft bite after cooling mine, and the two of us continued walking through the growing noise of preparations.
People were with their friends, families, lovers… all of them. Laughter, chatter, and festival drums echoed faintly. Decorations glittered under the late-afternoon light.
"I heard you have something planned for the evening…"
Dilek looked at me. "Oh… Yes, I do."
"Even after being with you for just a day, I cant tell what you want."
Dilek looked at me—confused—as he said, "Well, it's been a day. It's not that long of a time."
'Oh… if only he knew. I wanted to tell him how it takes me hours to know someone fully… but then again, I have been with him for so long. I watched him from a distance. A distance that can never be closed. A distance only meant for him and his friends.'
'I am not a part of that world.'
My head lowered—until a hand suddenly grabbed mine. Dilek pulled me forward.
"Woah, look at that."
I looked up at him. He was smiling and pointing at a stall. It was one of the game stalls—throw a ring, win a prize. Children cheered nearby, and colorful prizes dangled from hooks.
Dilek walked forward and paid five bisho for a chance.
Five attempts.
He grabbed the ring, aimed, one eye closed, and threw it.
It fell straight down.
"Aw, how the hell? It didn't even reach me…" Dilek said...
'I didn't? Was there any space for me?'
"Of course. There is always some space," he said.
'I felt like I was talking to a ghost…'
He grabbed the second ring and threw it.
It arced too high and landed far behind.
"It takes at least a second try…" Dilek smiled.
'What if I didn't reach him… Did I ever try again? No… I never did. I don't know what these feelings are… after being like this for so long, being with someone like him…'
'He is kind. I know that. Whether it's me or someone else, he would have been like this. I'm not special…'
I don't know what this ache is… It feels fluttery in my stomach. As I look at him—
'Is it…?'
"Kelid, look at this."
He was holding a fox plushie… a little toy with stitched eyes and orange fur. The lantern light above us made it glow softly in his hands. He pulled my hands forward and placed the plushie in them.
He gave it to me.
'I wonder… if it's really for me… or if it were someone else, would it have been the same?'
Dilek looked at me and said, "Are you alright?"
He touched my forehead lightly—his fingers cold from the evening breeze. He could feel… I felt warm.
"I don't know…"
We walked again, side by side through the festival street. More stalls had opened now, each one glowing with warm firelight. People laughed from every direction. Dilek kept buying food—meat skewers, pastries, sweets—with a bright smile on his face.
"Can I—"
I grabbed his hand suddenly. "I–Im full…"
'How come I'm stuttering? I never stutter. Not normally… It's weird…'
"You are weird…" I said again.
He looked at me, confused. "Am I doing something wrong?" His face flustered, brows drawn slightly.
I looked up at him—at his face, at those distant eyes. He was taller than me… only a little.
A little…
"Dilek— I—"
He was watching me intently. Then he gently pulled me toward an empty corner behind one of the larger stalls. Away from people. He guided me to sit down on a low wooden crate. He didn't sit beside me—he kneeled.
Meeting my eyes, he asked softly, "Are you alright? Should we go back to the inn?"
"No—!"
I blurted it out. He blinked in surprise at my sudden raise in voice.
I was red. He could see it—he knew.
Dilek looked at her, A slight tenderness in his voice. "Kelid, do you—"
"Wait— please…" I whispered.
Dilek fell silent. I couldn't look at him. I knew what his question was. I didn't know how to answer.
"I don't know," I said. "I don't know what this is either… It's always something weird… I—I—"
My voice trembled. I was just blabbering anything at this point.
"Every time you came there… from the day I met you… I don't know why… I feel lonely. Lonely seeing you. You with your friends… Nandita, Marcus, Ami, Diego, Hela, Duja…"
My fingers tightened around the plushie.
"Every time I see that… I feel like I'm not supposed to be there…"
'I don't know why… But each time you come home late, I'm expecting you. I'm looking forward to seeing you. Even if I never greet you… seeing you people from above is the only thing I do. Because I feel like… an outsider.'
'That's right. I always have been, haven't I? Alone. And distant.'
'I suppose the reason no one sees his eyes like me… is because his eyes aren't for me.'
'Is that why your eyes are so distant? Am I the only one seeing things? Am I going crazy? Or— Or am I not supposed to be there?'
"You grabbed my hand yesterday…" My voice cracked. "Yesterday it all felt too surreal. No, not just yesterday—today… It's been weird. You are weird. I don't know what this is… I think I am happy…"
Why wasn't he saying anything? I wanted to look at his face… but I was scared. What expression was he making? Was he confused? Was he weirded out?
"Kelid… let's take a walk."
He reached his hand toward me, placing it where I didn't have to see his face. He knew. He knew I couldn't look at him. So he only showed me his hand.
I grabbed it.
We walked slowly. His back was facing me as he led the way through the festival streets. Lanterns glowed overhead. The smell of spices drifted around us. Laughter echoed everywhere.
He didn't let go of my hand.
I looked at his back.
'I'm such a coward… I cannot look at his face…'
He walked ahead of me, guiding me gently through the crowd. People passed us—smiling, laughing, families arm in arm, friends leaning into each other.
And here I was… walking behind him without a smile.
'I'm forcing someone to give me their time… Even he must not be smiling…'
He stopped. He turned to face me. I instinctively looked down—but he gently grabbed my chin and lifted my face up.
The festival lights had just turned on. Lanterns of every color lit the sky—red, green, gold—hanging like stars from long strings that swayed in the evening wind.
There he was.
His face.
His soft smile directed at me.
He had been smiling… smiling since the first day. He never looked at anyone without a smile, did he?
His hair was short… really short… no, growing longer than before, just a little. His eyes were still distant—still lonely—but his smile…
His smile was only for me.
I looked up at the sky. Lanterns sparkled against the first appearing stars.
It felt warm. Warmer than before.
"Kelid…" he spoke quietly. "You too are someone close to me. If you feel happiness just looking at me, I am glad,
I never knew… that I could be the cause of someone's joy. I never knew."
His eyes… his sad smile disguised as comfort…
Just then—
A loud burst of sound.
Music.
Music everywhere as all the stalls lit up at once.
People were singing. People were smiling. Dancing. Tapping their feet. Entire groups swirling joyfully to the rhythm.
He held my hand and pulled me closer.
"Can you dance?" he asked softly. "I can't… so I hope you can guide me."
I stuttered as he held my hand. My palms were sweaty. "I-I don't know either…"
"Then let's learn right now… Let's learn together."
People danced around us with bright smiles. No one judged anyone. Everyone just moved the way they wanted.
He pulled my hand as he stepped forward. I copied him.
He moved in a rhythm, holding me close. He seemed confident…
Kick—
I accidentally kicked him. Then stepped on his foot. I kept looking down, embarrassed—but when I glanced up, he too was glancing down, keeping track.
He wasn't confident at all. He was just trying for my sake.
Despite everything, he helped me dance.
When the song ended, people clapped—not for us, but for each other. Everyone celebrating their own joy.
Clap— clap— clap—
I blinked. Dilek was clapping at me.
He smiled. "Well done. You might have a knack for dancing."
'Liar…'
Suddenly, people surrounded us.
"SAINT DILEK! SAINT, IS THAT YOU?!"
People rushed in.
"Saint, I was surprised you came!"
"Saint, can you join my family? We made dinner!"
"Can the goddess bless us tonight?"
Requests, questions, praises—voices called him from every direction. He smiled at each one, patient and kind.
People crowded around him.
I watched him from a distance.
'I don't know when it started… The day we met? The next day? No… It was curiosity. First curiosity… then admiration.'
He had been hospitalized after defeating the Ruda. I had admired him.
Then he was kidnapped.
'Did I worry that day? I think… I did. I almost revealed my identity…'
Then…
In a single day…
'I—'
I didn't think anymore. My body moved first.
I stepped forward and grabbed his hand. I pulled him away. For the first time, I ran. People gasped as I dragged him out of the circle—some complaining, voices rising behind us.
But I didn't care.
Why should I?
If people were going to keep him all to themselves in the future anyway…
I could be selfish too. Right?
"I… I can be selfish too. Right?" I said breathlessly.
I didn't look back. But I heard his soft, calming voice,
"Yes… you can."
I ran until I reached a small side street. Lanterns dimmer. Fewer people. I grabbed a mask from a vendor's stand and threw an entire sisho onto the counter before pulling him again, away from everyone.
Just for a moment.
Just for me.
I stopped, breathless. He was slightly out of breath too. But he was smiling.
I couldn't.
I put the mask on his face—a black mask hiding everything but the warmth of his breath. Even through the mask, I felt his gentle smile at my flushed skin.
"Dilek… I—"
BOOM—
Firecrackers exploded into the sky. Colors—red, purple, green—lighting up the world.
He pulled the mask down slightly. His distant eyes reflected the bursts of color, as he looked up.
Looking up, he said, "It's alright to be selfish. I think everyone should. There's nothing wrong with it."
He was smiling.
"If there is anyone willing to be selfish for something they want, I'll help them. So be selfish… and I'll help you do what you want. I don't want anybody to be selfless. No one should be. Everyone should have a chance—a chance to experience what they want. No one should be a slave to others…"
"No one…"
I couldn't hear anything else—the fireworks were too loud.
I tugged his shirt. I shouted at the top of my lungs:
"Dilek— My name is—"
He looked at me. He couldn't hear it. But he didn't need to. He just smiled and pulled the mask back on.
Why?
Wasn't he curious?
The firecrackers painted the sky—colors filling up the heart.
As the final burst faded, he said quietly, "It's alright. You are always Kelid to me. So when you feel like it… please say it properly. Let's introduce ourselves properly that day."
'Being selfish… is that okay?'
Looking at his mask, a smile finally formed on my face.
'I don't know what these feelings are… but I don't want to rush them. I don't want to mistake them. I just… want to know you more.'