I decided today would be a "normal errand day" with no giant snakes, slime trauma and vegan emergency meals. I.mean yeah vegan food is good but eating it straight for a week, it's a bleh. Tweety and Shiro almost vomited. They threatened to sue me with familiars neglect, as if it's even possible.
Today, I planned to go all out of meat. I couldn't neglect my familiars, shouldn't I? After the simple trip to the Adventure Guild to submit ingredients and maybe pick a quest that didn't involve killing.
I walked in, humming a little tune, bag of quest loot under my arm.
"Alright, guys," I said casually, "let's finish this and then maybe cook something simple tonight. Maybe soup. Soup can't traumatize me… right?"
Tweety and Shiro exchanged a glance that said:
"This human has clearly never met carnivorous soup monsters."
But they stayed quiet as they relaxed on my body.
And then, the one I never wished to see this early in the morning suddenly appeared.
There he was. Prince Freckles and talking to Ailock. Talking calmly and POLITELY.
This alone was suspicious. What the hell is going on? The prince, who previously tried to kidnap my familiars like spoiled Pokémon cards, was bowing slightly, hands folded, posture perfect.
Ailock looked confused. Which meant something was definitely wrong.
I slowed my steps.
"…Is that… the same prince?" I whispered.
Tweety tilted his head.
"His energy is peculiar."
Shiro narrowed his eyes.
"His scent… changed."
My stomach tightened.
The prince turned and saw us.
I braced myself for whining, screaming, demanding, tantrums, bribery, instead…
Prince Freckles walked toward me with a calm smile.
In a calm and warm and dignified smile.
"Mister John," he said, voice steady like he'd been attending etiquette school for thirty years. "I would like to apologize."
I blinked.
Once. Twice. Three times.
"…Huh?"
The prince placed a hand over his chest and bowed slightly.
"I behaved shamefully. I disrespected you and your divine familiars. I am deeply sorry for my actions."
I stared at him.
Tweety stared at him.
Shiro stared harder.
Ailock in the background looked like someone dumped ice water down his back.
The prince continued:
"I assure you, it will not happen again."
I… didn't know what to say.
This was the same guy who threw a tantrum because he couldn't buy my bird like a plush toy?
"Uh… apology accepted?" I managed.
He smiled gracefully.
"Thank you. I hope we can start anew."
Then he walked away with elegance I didn't even know humans possessed.
He even waved at some knights politely.
They collapsed emotionally.
When he disappeared through the guild doors, the three of us stood there frozen.
Finally, I whispered:
"…Okay, so either he found Jesus,
or someone hit him really hard on the head."
Tweety shook his head slowly.
"No. Something is… off."
Shiro's tail flicked.
"Very off."
I rubbed the back of my neck uneasily.
"Yeah… I felt it too."
This world had monsters, divine beasts, magic disasters, and dungeon bosses but nothing scared me more than Prince Freckles acting like a responsible adult.
Something was wrong. Something was VERY wrong.
But I just shrugged. What could possibly the Prince do to me?
And somehow… I felt like this was just the beginning.
"So we need meat," I said. "Should you guys go hunt?"
"No need," Shiro replied.
The moment we got back to the inn, he dumped a 100-kg rabbit corpse in front of me like he expected praise.
"It challenged me," he said proudly.
"To a duel."
Of course it did. Because in this world even rabbits want to dominate, far from the rabbit in my world.
Anyway, I hadn't eaten meat in a week thanks to the Vegan Emergency Arc™, so I looked at that massive rabbit and thought:
Tonight… we feast.
I cracked my knuckles, pulled out the cooking books Mukoda sent, and stared at one recipe:
Rabbit Ragù with Green Olives.
Except my rabbit weighed more than me, Shiro, and Tweety combined, so I needed to adjust the recipe.
And by adjust, I mean multiply it by 15 and pray I don't accidentally feed half the kingdom.
I wrote all the ingredients along with the coins. Mukoda-san will just send me the invoice after. When everything was ready, I started preparing as I asked Shiro to chop the rabbit which he gladly did with his phantom claws.
I threw all the chopped organs and chose the best part of the meat.
Ingredients:
(deep breath…)
30 tins (28 oz each) of San Marzano–type tomatoes
(because the rabbit is the size of an elephant probably larger)
100 kg Grabler Rabbit, roughly chopped into cube pieces
(Shiro kindly handled the chopping… violently. But he enjoyed it!")
8 tablespoons kosher salt
8 tablespoons freshly milled pepper
3 ½ cups extra-virgin olive oil
(don't look at me like that, Tweety drinks oil)
15 large onions, finely chopped
30 carrots, chopped
30 celery stalks, chopped
5 tablespoons tomato paste × 15 = 75 tablespoons.(yes… I cried too)
15 cups red wine
(Shiro immediately asked if he could drink the leftover)
30 sprigs fresh thyme
15 bay leaves
5 cups chopped green olives
30 tablespoons cold butter, cubed
Soft polenta for serving
(Or rice. I'm Asian. I pick rice.)
Steps: Chaotic Giant-Rabbit Version
1. Prepare the Fire
Build a medium-high fire that says:
"I have regrets, but I'm committed."
Let flames lick the grill like it owes them money. Burn for 45 minutes until you have glowing embers that could roast a small dragon. Shove the embers to one side like pushing homework you don't want to do.
2. Sear the Rabbit (aka: "Please don't steam")
Heat a Dutch oven until it's so hot it could vaporize eyebrows.
Pat the rabbit pieces dry.
(Shiro did this by shaking them like laundry. Fur everywhere.)
Season generously with salt and pepper.
Add 3 cups of the oil and heat until shimmering like Tweety's ego.
Work in batches,
Batches meaning: 100 kg of rabbit, so… many batches.
Brown each piece until golden.
Transfer to a platter lined with paper towels stolen from the inn.
Tweety hovered over the meat like a starving dragon.
3. Cook the Veggies
Add the rest of the oil (the remaining ½ cup).
Toss in onions, carrots, celery.
Cook until everything looks glossy, and emotionally done in 5 minutes.
Stir in the tomato paste.
Cook for 1 minute, or until the paste smells good.
Pour in chopped tomatoes (all 30 tins).
Add wine (15 cups), thyme (30 sprigs), bay leaves (15).
Give it a hearty stir like:
"Yep, this is definitely too much food."
Gently stack the rabbit back in
like Tetris, but moist.
Add water if needed until it reaches ⅔ up the rabbit mountain.
4. Simmer to Victory
Place the Dutch oven over the embers.
Cover and simmer for about 1½ hours, adding or removing coals as needed.
Stir occasionally (and dodge Tweety stealing bites).
Add olives.
Cook 15 minutes uncovered, so the flavors "marry," which is funny because I'm single.
5. Adjust the Sauce
If you want it thicker (I do):
Let it cook uncovered until the consistency screams "comfort food."
Taste. Adjust seasonings.
(Shiro said it needed "more cold" and tried to breathe frost on it. I stopped him.)
6. Finish & Serve
You can:
(A) Whisk butter straight in and serve as-is
(B) Remove meat from bones
(C) Pick option A because option B involves work
I pick A and B.
Serve over polenta, or in my case:
A MOUNTAIN OF RICE.
Then I served it.
Tweety enlarged himself instantly..Shiro wagged his tail so hard the inn's broom fell over..I served the first steaming bowl.
They took one bite.
Then they froze. Their eyes wide and ears twitching. Thier pupils dilated.
Tweety whispered:
"John… my flames… are weeping."
Shiro collapsed dramatically:
"This… this food… it warms my cold soul…"
And I, I finally had meat after seven days.
I cried real tears.
I don't know what I expected when I served a giant 100-kg Grabler Rabbit Ragù to a phoenix and a tiger who've lived longer than most civilizations…but apparently I wasn't prepared for divine beasts entering a food-induced trance.
Tweety took his first bite with the elegance of a noble who critiques food for a living.
Shiro inhaled his like a man possessed.
Both froze. Absolutely frozen. Not even breathing. For a horrifying second I thought I poisoned two immortal beasts.
Then…
"OHHHHHHHHHHHH…".Tweety exhaled like he just ascended to a higher plane of existence.
A halo of golden flame puffed out from him in a ring, I swear it chimed like church bells.
Shiro's fur puffed up, sparkled with frost, and he flopped sideways like someone shot him with happiness.
"J–John…" he whispered, voice trembling.
"This rabbit… tastes like winter's first blessing…"
What does that even mean!?
Meanwhile I'm just standing there with my wooden spoon like:
"Bro, it's just stew."
But then I took a bite.
And…..Annnnnnnnndddddd
My soul left my body.
The meat was absurdly tender,
not chewy like a wild rabbit, but melting.
It had the richness of turkey, but lighter, silkier, like turkey got promoted to some magical upper-class bird form.
And the flavor… oh my god.
The tomatoes, wine, thyme, the olives,
everything blended into this deep, warm harmony that wrapped around my tongue like a hug from heaven.
I swear the ragù sparkled. Actually sparkled..I thought it was steam catching firelight…
…until Tweety said:
"Your cooking has evolved. It emits auric resonance. Only meals made with devotion achieve such glow."
What glow?? I looked down.
The pot really was glowing faintly.
"OH MY GOD, AM I A FOOD MAGE NOW!?"
I panicked.
But Tweety just kept eating with grace, flames flickering.
Shiro shoved his entire face into his bowl, tail wagging like a dog on meat.
"John… this taste… this taste could end wars. I forgive the rabbit for challenging me. Its sacrifice was noble."
Somewhere in the universe, the Grabler Rabbit's soul probably sneezed.
I took another bite and nearly cried again.
The meat was buttery, juicy, magical,
like turkey married luxury and had a flavorful baby.
I wiped my eyes.
"I missed meat so much…"
Tweety nodded solemnly.
"As did we, John.
Never deprive us again."
Shiro chimed in with a muffled growl:
"MORE."
I sighed.
"Guys… this was a 100-kilo rabbit."
They both stared with glittering, expectant eyes.
I looked at the pot.
Empty.
Completely empty.
"OH COME ON! IT WAS ENOUGH FOR A SMALL ARMY!"
Tweety burped a fire sparkle. Shiro licked the pot.
And I realized:
I am going to die in this world…
from cooking.