The Cave.
It's cold inside. Like, seriously cold. Like "my-nipples-could-cut-diamond" kind of cold. Oh, and it's pitch dark, too.
Sure, you might get lucky and stumble upon some glowing microorganisms that light up your new dwelling with that soft, bioluminescent glow... but let's be honest: you can't cook a burger on a jellyfish rave. So bring a portable grill instead. You'll need it.
Also, stock up on power banks so your phone flashlight doesn't die mid-doomscrolling. And start thinking now about what you'll do with the bats. Yeah, they're probably not gonna throw you a welcome party. So maybe bake them a cake as a peace offering. Bat cake diplomacy—very underrated survival tactic.
Dragging a wardrobe down into a cave? Yeah, no. I feel your pain. Instead, use the stalactites and stalagmites around you. The ones hanging from the ceiling look like stone fangs, sure, but the ones rising from the floor? Boom. Instant minimalist clothes rack.
Cave ceilings are great for keeping things out—like human attention, nuclear blasts (well... maybe), and the slow, disappointed head-shaking of your parents right before they say:
"We really thought you'd open a law firm in this cave. You've let us down, son."
And that slow, rhythmic drip-drip-drip sound echoing around the chamber? Might drive some people nuts, but not you. To you, it sounds like binaural beats, celestial choirs, and a chill duduk melody straight outta an Armenian spa playlist.
Your eyelids are heavy. You wanna lie down for a bit. You've prepped that trusty fold-out cot, and it's almost comfortable... but damn, it's cold in your subterranean kingdom. What to do?
Here's the pro tip: bring a second robe and layer that sucker over the first one. Voilà. You're now protected from hypothermia and spontaneous Sub-Zero cosplay. Time to drift off and dream.
Dreams of flight. Dreams of escape. Dreams of places you'll float to next.