If someone had told me I'd one day be part of a religious culinary war, I'd have sharpened myself out of existence right then and there.
But here we were— at the Temple of the Holy Frying Pan— watching two armies of priests in aprons prepare for divine battle.
Not with swords. Not with spells. But with ladles.
---
The Challenge Declared
The next morning, chaos came in the form of a messenger dressed like a silver spoon.He marched right up to the temple doors and shouted,
"By decree of the Church of the Sacred Spatula, we challenge the false deities
—Pantharion and The Edge of Belief—to a Holy Cook-Off!"
Gasps echoed through the temple halls.
The High Priest trembled.
"The Sacred Spatula… our ancient rivals…"
Pantharion tilted dramatically.
"Rivals? You mean someone else also thinks they're a godly utensil?"
I muttered, "Congratulations, we've started the world's stupidest holy war."
------
The Rules of Engagement
Both sides gathered in a vast arena shaped like a giant dinner plate.Spectators filled the stands—nobles, commoners, goblins, and one confused cow.
A celestial announcer boomed:
"Today, we witness the Divine Cook-Off! Two faiths, one flavor! The winner shall be crowned the True God of Cuisine!"
The crowd erupted in cheers.I just sighed internally.
Pantharion was vibrating with excitement.
"Finally, a stage worthy of my heat!"
"You're going to burn down another building," I said.
"That's called a 'miracle,' Pointy."
-------
Team Pantharion vs Team Spatula
Our opponents arrived dramatically—led by a massive golden spatula named Saint Spatulon ,polished so bright you could see your regrets in him.
"Foolish tools!" Spatulon thundered."Only I can flip destiny itself!"
Pantharion snorted.
"Flipping destiny? Please, I sauté fate for breakfast."
I whispered,
"This is the dumbest argument I've ever been sharpened for."
------
Round One: The Test of Taste
Each team was given the same ingredients—mystic beef, dream peppers, and a slightly offended tomato.
The goal: craft a dish so divine it could awaken the gods of flavor themselves.
The timer began.The crowd roared.
And chaos… sizzled.
Pantharion ignited instantly.
"Flame Mode! Level MAX!"
The adventurer panicked,
"Dude, that's too hot! You'll melt the floor again!"
"Nonsense! The floor will just become a grill!"
Meanwhile, I diced vegetables with supernatural precision.The air shimmered with flying slices.Even the announcer ducked.
"Such sharpness! Such deadly elegance!"
"I'm basically an emotional blender," I muttered.
Across the arena, Spatulon and his followers cooked with divine coordination—each move synchronized like a heavenly kitchen dance.
They even chanted:
"Stir! Flip! Taste! Praise the Golden Surface!"
Their teamwork was flawless.Our teamwork was… mostly screaming and dodging grease explosions.
The Divine Intervention
Just as the judges prepared to taste the dishes—the sky cracked open.
A colossal light descended from above,and a booming voice echoed:
"ENOUGH! You fight over who serves flavor best, yet you forget the truth…"
The clouds parted—and there floated a gigantic, radiant figure wielding…
A WOODEN SPOON.
The audience gasped.The High Priest fainted.
"The Ancient Ladle… the First Kitchen Spirit!"
The Divine Spoon pointed at us both.
"You seek culinary supremacy, but the kitchen needs unity! Not rivalry!"
There was a long, awkward silence.
Pantharion raised his handle slowly.
"So… does that mean we both win?"
"Yes," said the spoon."And clean up this mess. You've overcooked the sky."
-----
Aftermath: The Treaty of Taste
The "war" ended in a truce. Both churches merged into one: The United Culinary Faith of Flavor.
Their motto?
"All utensils are sacred, but some are slightly sassier."
Pantharion preened with pride.
"Peace through seasoning. Beautiful."
I sighed.
"We literally ended a holy war with soup."
"And that," Pantharion said, "is divine diplomacy."
[System Notice!]
Title Acquired: "Peacemakers of the Plate."Skill Unlocked: "Unity Boil" — all allies gain +10 morale when cooking near you.
That night, as the stars shimmered like salt flakes, the adventurer chuckled.
"You two really are legends now." Pantharion hummed proudly. "History will remember this day as the Feast of Peace."
I added, "Or as the day two utensils almost burned heaven."
To Be Continued…