----Kaspar----
Kaspar woke to the warmth of Ellis' arms around him. He gazed down at his partner, taking in the way Ellis' brows pinch as he slept. Kaspar smiled at him and smoothed his fingers across Ellis' temple before beginning the arduous process of extracting himself from Ellis' hold.
At some point, after Ellis released his arms and before Kapar slipped off the bed, Ellis stirred. His lashes fluttered and his chestnut brown eyes flicked over Kaspar. Kaspar leaned over and pressed a soft kiss against Ellis' lips.
"Morning, love."
Ellis' eyes narrowed and any hopes Kaspar had of moving past last night's argument fizzled out. Ellis rolled over, facing away from Kaspar and wrapping the blanket tightly around his body. Kaspar couldn't, wouldn't leave things like this. Not knowing how dangerous this next mission was.
He leaned forward and rested his head on Ellis' shoulder. One of his hands slid along Ellis' arm and attempted to entwine itself with Ellis' hand. Ellis shook Kaspar off.
"Please," Kaspar's voice was soft and sad. Desperate for one moment of peace even if it was an act, "I might not come back."
It was dirty. Cruel and manipulative. Kaspar knew this but he couldn't help himself. Fear and uncertainty twisted his stomach, making him frantic.
Of course, it didn't work. If anything it made it worse. Ellis grew eerily still then sat up and got off the bed. Facing away from Kaspar the entire time. He paused for a moment and tilted his head just enough that Kaspar could hear what he hissed out.
"I hope you don't."
Ellis was out of the room in a flash. The bathroom door shut and the shower turned on. Kaspar let his head fall into his hands and tried his best to bite back tears. His efforts were fruitless so he ended up sitting, alone, weeping silently into his hands.
As Ellis' shower dragged on Kaspar was forced to accept that he'll have to shower at the guild. He could have been living there, A-class were given access to fairly luxurious apartments. But he'd stayed in the city, with Ellis. Close to Ellis' work, because Ellis asked him to, because he'd do anything to keep Ellis by his side.
Over the past few months, it started feeling like Ellis wouldn't do the same. That nagging feeling spread through Kaspar like ice, smothering and choking out his will to fight for their relationship.
Still, he stood outside the bathroom door. He knocked and waited, waited out the silence until he couldn't take it anymore.
"I'm heading out." Another pause, another stretch of agonizing silence, "The mission could take a few days. The other guild didn-" He shook his head, unwilling to make the same mistake twice, "Anyways, I love you."
Kaspar leaned back against the door and waited for as long as his heart could take. All he heard was the sound of the shower running. He looked down at his feet and pushed himself off of the door.
The walk through their shared apartment felt like a death march. There was a finality that Kaspar tried to ignore with every fiber of his being. Surely there was hope. Kaspar had to believe that. Had to cling to the fact that Ellis had crawled into bed with him, the absence of whisky glasses in the sink, how there was only one cigarette in the ashtray on the porch. Every little detail became a flicker in Kaspar's chest, bringing warmth back to the smoldering embers in his heart.
Kaspar hesitated in the kitchen, leaned on the bar and took several steadying breaths. Ellis' cardigan was still crumpeled up on the counter. Kaspar lifted it up, grasping it softly, reverently. He buried his face in it and tried to drown himself in the scent of tobacco and sandalwood.
Something crinkled in the pocket as he clutched at it. He stuck his hand in the pocket and pulled out a bottle cap. He recognized it as belonging to a bottle of Ellis' favorite lemon flavored drink. When turned over it held the words, "The greatest risk is not taking one."
Appropriate, given the argument they kept having. Kaspar wondered if the bottle cap sparked the rage Ellis came home with the night before. A feather landing on an already overburdened scale.
For the first time in a while Kaspar was the first home. He called out for Ellis and did a quick once over when he got no response. Concern and relief mixed uncomfortably inside of him. So he sent a message, simple and only meant to reassure Kaspar that Ellis wasn't hurt or stranded.
Kaspar: Where are you? Everything alright?
Ellis's response was swift and fiery.
Ellis: You don't get to ask that
Kaspar looked at his phone with devastated resignation. It was clear how Ellis interpreted his first message, maybe it was on Kaspar for not considering how it would come off to Ellis. He sighed and set the kettle on the stove, filling it with enough water for two cups of tea.
When the water was hot enough, Kaspar poured it into two matching mugs. Two outstretched pinkie fingers with 'promise' printed underneath. The cup meant for Ellis went cold as the night wore on and its owner failed to return.
Twenty minutes past eleven, the front door opened. Kaspar looked up, hesitant but hopeful. He'd been staring into his own empty mug for the last hour or so as he waited for his other half to return.
"Why aren't you sleeping at the guild?"
Kaspar closed his eyes and took a deep, steadying breath, "I wanted to be with you. I'm going on a mission tomorrow."
Ellis tossed his cardigan on the counter and walked over to snatch the kettle off the stove. As he began filling it with water Kaspar approached him from behind. He wound his arms around Ellis and gently turned the sink off.
"I already made you some, love," Ellis turned to look where Kaspar was gesturing, "You might need to reheat it bu-"
Ellis pulled away from Kaspar and turned the sink back on. Kaspar let his face rest in Ellis' soft, messy, taupe hair. He breathed in Ellis' scent and sighed as Ellis' hair tickled against his face.
"I don't want cherry."
Kaspar hadn't said which tea he'd prepared. But he didn't need to, Ellis always had cherry tea when he got home. It was possible that the routine changed, Kaspar had been working late nights often lately. But it was far more likely that Ellis was just trying to let Kaspar know that his attention was unwanted and unneeded. Kaspar didn't like either option.
Losing the battle of wills, Kaspar stepped back and opened the drawer that held their tea packets. He pulled out another mug and turned towards Ellis, "What would you like?"
Ellis glared sideways at Kaspar as he walked the kettle to the stove, "Black Cinnamon."
Another subtle rebellion. Not only did Kaspar hate the smell of cinnamon, they also didn't currently have any of the requested tea. Kaspar sighed and braced himself against the counter. He decided to take this as an opportunity to win some brownie points.
"We don't have any, but I'll run to the store." Ellis shrugged and darted past Kaspar to settle himself into an armchair. Kaspar grabbed his wallet and whipped out of the door. He raced down the stairs, half considering jumping out the window. He was an Esper, his body could handle a drop from the third floor, mostly. Only deciding against it when he remembered the bloody photos of tomorrow's gate.
There was a grocery store one block away from their apartment. He made it there in under five minutes. He tumbled through the door and waved breathlessly at the familiar clerk before speed walking to the tea aisle. Only to discover they didn't have cinnamon either.
Kaspar fell into a squat and let out a frustrated groan. The clerk, who had followed him down the aisle, patted him on the back comfortingly. He looked up. She was young, probably a teenager. He tried to remember her name but nothing came to him. Ellis would have remembered her name. Ellis would have greeted her kindly no matter how busy he was.
"Thanks…" Kaspar squinted at the girl's name tag only to realize it had an elderly man's picture and the name Maurice Kemper. Kaspar's mouth fell open and he looked up at her with defeat and shame burning in his cheeks.
"Mary," She supplied, helpfully, "You looking for something specific?"
Kaspar nodded and tapped the shelf where it listed the cinnamon tea under an empty space. She pursed her lips and held up a finger before spinning around and running back to the register. Kaspar followed her just in time to see her disappear into the store room.
When she opened the door with a sheepish grimace Kaspar felt the hole of dread in his chest deepen. Then her eyes lit up and she disappeared again. This time when she returned she was holding out a single packet of the tea Kaspar was looking for.
"We use it in the breakroom sometimes! You can have this one, but I don't think I can give you more than that, sorry."
Kaspar shook his head vigorously, taking the packet out of her hand like it was a holy relic, "I can't thank you enough!"
"S' no problem! I know what it's like to be shopping for pregnancy cravings! My mom's sister just had her baby."
Kaspar's mouth fell open and he arched an eyebrow at Mary, "Why do you- ah, what?"
Mary's face went pale, "Wait, Ellis is trans right?"
Kaspar choked on his spit, when he finally recovered from his coughing fit he looked up at her with wide eyes, "Yeah, but he doesn't- ah fuck, I don't wanna- I mean that's his busin… He can't get pregnant."
Mary's mouth turned into a concerned O and she tilted her head in confusion, "Then why was he buying a pregnancy test."
Understanding dawned on Kaspar's face. His head fell back and he mouthed a drawn out 'oh.' He shook his head, "He works at a library, they do a lot of outreach to unhoused communities. Sometimes he buys stuff for them."
Mary turned bright pink. Kaspar felt for her. But he'd already wasted too long. He dropped a few bills on the table and gave her a polite nod before starting the sprint back to the apartment.
He took the stairs two at a time and when he finally reached the door he nearly collapsed through it. He held out the packet of tea to complete silence. When he finally looked up he saw Ellis sitting in the chair with a mug of steaming hot tea in his hands.
Kaspar wanted to be upset, but he should have seen this coming. He shuffled shamefully over to the tea drawer and set the cursed tea packet down. The couple's mug Kaspar prepared earlier sat upturned in the sink. Kaspar approached Ellis and noticed the tag on the teabag telling him what he already knew.
Cherry tea.
Everything was starting to add up. Frustration and fear nipped at Kaspar's heels and tipped him over the edge.
"Why?" Ellis looked up at him with disinterest, "You complain I never do anything for you but when I try- fuck -when I'm actually putting in effort you pull shit like this."
Fire raged in Ellis' eyes. It sent a twinge of affection through Kaspar, having grown so used to apathy and avoidance.
"You feel that pit?" Ellis' voice was sharp and bitter. Clearly this had been building for some time now, "That hollow feeling when you try your best and it's still not enough?"
Kaspar swallowed slowly, scared to move in case it angered Ellis further.
"I did everything! I look for other jobs for you! I got you apprenticeships with welders! I found this apartment! I spent every day worrying you wouldn't get back! And what did you do to repay me?"
Anger was building in Kaspar's chest, indignation and bitterness. But before he could retort Ellis raised his voice, "You came home late every fucking night. You stay overnight without warning me! You ignore my texts and you take elective guiding sessions from that ambrosia whatever! Now you tell me he's followed you over to the guild? After I made you promise not to see him at the EGC!"
There it was. The same argument they always circled back to. The insecurity and jealousy underlining their every interaction. Kaspar pinched the bridge of his nose and looked away from Ellis. He was afraid if he faced him head on he'd start screaming too which would only make things worse.
"He didn't follow me."
"Of course that's what you latch onto. Always defending him. I can't-"
"You can't what?" Kaspar's patience was wearing thin. His voice trembled with barely contained anger, "Can't accept that guiding isn't something romantic? Can't trust me even though I've made it clear time and time again that you're the only one for me? Can't look past your own petty insecurity even when my life and safety are on the line?"
Ellis scoffed and rolled his eyes. Kaspar felt heat burning around his own eyes. Cracks formed and flame licked through them. Ellis' eyes went wide. He jumped up and tumbled over the coffee table in his attempt to retreat.
It felt like being shot. Kaspar let out a mournful wail and fell to the ground. He pressed his palms over his eyes in an attempt to snuff out the crackling flames. His hands ached and stung. Salty tears soothed over the burns but did little to quell the flames. His chest shook with the effort to control his unstable emotions.
"Gates, Kaspar, you can't keep doing this." Ellis' voice shook with fear.
Kaspar looked up at him and saw him huddled in the corner of the room, making himself as small as possible. Seeing his partner so scared of him, of something he couldn't control, hollowed him from the inside out. He clawed at his hair and tilted his head down. Silent sobs ripped through him as he tried to even his breathing out.
He curled up on the carpet, his hands went up to cover his head like the building was collapsing on him. It might as well have been since Kaspar's world was crumbling in on him. Had been for a while.
When he finally stilled his breathing he looked up slowly. Ellis was still in the corner, now sitting on the ground and looking significantly less frightened than he had before.
Kaspar wanted to say more. Wanted to have the conversation they'd been skirting around. But the idea of scaring Ellis again made Kaspar physically ill. He'd do anything to avoid seeing that again. Anything.
"I'm sorry," Kaspar's voice was hoarse and he kept his eyes downturned in fear, "I- It's not an excuse. There's no- I mean. It's my fault. Um.." He stood, wrapped his arms around himself, trying to keep all the shattered pieces of him in place, "I have a mission tomorrow, it's.. It's going to be tough. Ah…" He trailed off awkwardly, reluctant to say what he needed to.
"Spit it out. Nothing you say could make this- us -worse."
Kaspar's lip quivered and his eyes stung at Ellis' harsh tone. But he complied with Ellis' command nonetheless, "I got unstable. I'll need guiding tonight."
"Gates! So you're blaming me for sending you into someone else's bed?"
Kaspar couldn't afford to defend himself. He knew that Ellis didn't mean it. That he was just hurt and scared and trying to make Kaspar feel just as hurt and scared. Knowing all that didn't make it any easier for Kaspar to keep a hold on his annoyance.
"Sure, you can think that," It was better than what Kaspar actually wanted to say, but still bitter and vengeful, "If you'd prefer I go to the EGC I'll do that. But I have to go somewhere. I'm not going to let people die because I'm having relationship issues."
The final sentence seemed to resonate with Ellis. The tension drained out of his body, replaced with reluctant understanding. Ellis was a caring person. The kind of man who'd buy pregnancy tests for strangers and show up late to work because he was moving worms off the sidewalk on rainy days. It was just hard for him to wrap his mind around Kaspar's job.
It made sense that a librarian whose most exciting shift would consist of reprimanding someone for looking up porn on the library computers would have some cognitive dissonance around his boyfriend fighting monsters for a living. Every time Kaspar brought it up with other Espers they echoed the same advice.
Dating a non-gifted person was too hard. It was easier to date a guide or another Esper. Normal people just couldn't understand it.
No matter how many times Kaspar heard this advice he continued to dismiss it. It didn't matter if it was harder, Ellis was worth it. Their love was worth it. That was always Kaspar's response to his friends, colleagues, and even to the man himself. But Ellis didn't feel the same. Kaspar wasn't an idiot.
He knew that for every coworker who told him he'd be better off with a guide, there was someone telling Ellis that he should leave Kaspar. Whether they thought Kaspar was dangerous or that guiding was cheating, there were plenty of reasons for normal people to avoid Espers.
"Go, just… You don't have to come home tonight." It was final. Ellis shut himself in the bedroom.
The walk to the EGC felt like a funeral procession. The single clerk at the welcome desk blinked up at Kaspar blearily and slid over a tablet with the emergency request form on it. He filled it out in silence and leaned back in the chair until his watch buzzed.
When he sat up he was shocked to see Airi. Her eyes flashed with recognition.
"What are you doing here?" They asked simultaneously. Both of them laughed softly and Airi gestured for Kaspar to follow her.
"No really, I know you came for Nox before but he's gone. Wild right? I never thought he'd go private." Kaspar laughed bitterly. Airi eyed him but didn't ask any questions.
"Why are YOU here? Aren't you exclusive?"
Airi shrugged as she pulled back a curtain and pointed Kaspar towards the bed, "Lily and I haven't bonded yet. And a friend asked me to cover her shift." At Kaspar's questioning expression Airi waved her hand dismissively, "Lily doesn't mind. She knows how bad it is to need guiding and not have anyone compatible. I'm higher rank than most people that come here."
"It must be nice," Kaspar looked down at his hands as Airi took them into her own.
"What must be nice?" She closed her eyes and Kaspar felt his corruption ebbing away like sand shifting under waves.
"Being with someone who understands."
Airi's face scrunched up in concern, "I wondered why you were here so late. Another fight with Ellis?"
Kaspar nodded guiltily. Airi sighed and lifted one of his hands up to lay it over her heart. The sensation of being cleansed grew stronger but Kaspar saw her flinch. He would have pulled away. But the guilt of being there at all screamed at him to take a chance to finish as quickly as possible.
"He's just scared, you know." Kaspar nodded again.
"There are so many things he could lose you to. I can't fully sympathise since all I have to worry about is Lily dying in the field. It's been worse since Nox left. He used to go with her whenever I asked. But he said he can't now that he's got an exclusive contract. I just have to wait outside the gate an- sorry, I was supposed to be comforting you." She laughed self consciously and Kaspar stayed solemnly silent.
"He has to worry about other Espers and guides. Not to mention that your highest match has irresistible twink disease."
Kaspar barked out a laugh, "He has what now?" Coming here was the right choice. Airi was great at cheering him up. It must have been fate that she happened to be working that night.
"You know," Airi lifted a hand to wave in the air before remembering what she was supposed to be doing and rushing to clasp Kaspar's hand again, "That thing where a conventionally attractive gay man has a pleasant but unreachable personality so everyone falls in love with him. Even so called straight men."
"I don't think I've ever heard of that before." Kaspar laughed and his chest started to feel lighter as Airi cleared the corruption away.
"You wouldn't. I invented it!" Kaspar gave her a judgemental look, "Ok fuck you, I don't have to be a gay man to spot a trend when I see one. You know how people are with Nox. He's got a reputation. I mean hell, it's bad enough that Ellis heard about it!"
The floaty feeling from Airi's guiding was zapped away as Kaspar was reminded why he was there in the first place.
"I think I really fucked up…" Kaspar admitted softly.
Airi reached forward and lifted his chin up, forcing him to meet her gaze, "Nothing broken can't be fixed with enough time and attention."
"I don't know if this can be though."
"What did you do? Lash out at him with your abilit- By the gates, you did, didn't you?"
Kaspar nodded mutely. Airi ran a hand over her face, "Did you hurt him?"
Kaspar shook his head, "I hurt myself." He held out his hands and Airi hissed.
"That's also pretty bad…" She bit her lip as she considered him, "I don't know if I can take your side this time."
"Do there have to be sides? It's me and him, us, against the world. Isn't that enough?"
Airi averted her gaze and smoothed over her uniform skirt anxiously, "Nah, I think that this one's on you. At least from his perspective. You lost it and ended up hurting yourself which effectively shut down whatever conversation you were having."
"I didn't tell you all that," Kaspar scowled.
"Ok but you wouldn't be here and all mopey if you were able to talk it out after your outburst."
"Don't make it sound like I'm a child throwing a tantrum. You don't know what he said to me!"
Airi bent down then sat up and snapped a pair of suppression cuffs onto Kaspar's wrists. He stared at her, offended at the implication that he was dangerous.
"If you're losing control of your abilities 'cause your, non-Esper, partner was mean to you-- people like us, we have to learn to control ourselves. Or we have to take measures like this. It's not fair, it just…is."
Kaspar looked at the ground sullenly.
"He implied I convinced Nox to follow me to the guild after Ellis made me promise not to come here for him anymore."
Airi slapped a hand over her mouth to cover her amused smile and suppress laughter. Kasper glared at her. Suddenly he was less happy that she was there.
"Sorry," Airi disengaged the cuffs, "It's just.. Hah-mhm, Ellis hasn't met Nox, has he?"
Kaspar shook his head, "Why would he?"
"You need to introduce them. And if you can, bring Esper Daedalus Kane too."
Kaspar's eyes went wide. He nodded slowly, a plan forming in his mind. Airi stood with a mock curtsy towards him before offering him a hand up. He took it and started following her out.
"How do I convince him to come? He hates me right now…"
Airi rolled her eyes, "He doesn't hate you. If anything he probably hates himself. I'm sure part of him knows he's being unfair."
Kaspar hoped she was right.
The next morning, as he stood holding Ellis' cardigan against his chest, he decided to follow Airi's advice. He pulled out some scrap paper and scribbled down a note.
'Please think of a night you'd be free to have dinner with some of my coworkers. I want them to meet you. I love you, see you when I get back.'