I was getting ready for the get-together when suddenly my phone buzzed with a couple notifications. It was a guest list, different staff lists, couple contact numbers and other formalities. I had asked my twin brother for these just in case. I looked at the green, glitter, floor length skirt with a slit at the right leg paired with a black off shoulder top with a choker and stilettos. I stared at my very casual makeup and open hair, straight jet black waist-length strands slightly messy on the top. I decided I had the time to view the guest list at the very least. Knowing details about the problems I had to deal with made me less anxious, so I opened it up and I scrolled through the names.
I made a mental note of couple colleagues I had awkward relations with, some people who did nothing but piss me off and my brother's boyfriend who I will have to keep a keen eye on. I was nearing the very end of the list when three names sucker punched me in the face. Matthew McConnell, Jared Looney and Gale Harrison. 'Oh, holy fucking shit', I thought. Realisation set in my stomach while a sour taste developed in my mouth. I was gonna be in the same room as them for what, 3 hours? What if there were more? Some names I'd missed, perhaps, or maybe names added more recently? Maybe names I don't remember?
When you're going through shit, it's easier to go through one more day, one more monster, one more bone that's breaking, more anything because you've already lost. But when you reach a place in your life where you're genuinely happy with the people you're around, your job, your food, your routine, your skin? And you're transported back to a period of… things that are unspeakable, years of shit that you haven't processed… I had to deal with them tonight?
'Wait, what the fuck am I wearing, I can't—', I started thinking but immediately pulled back. 'Look. You can kill them barehanded. You are objectively capable of destroying them within minutes. Physically and socially. You could have them arrested, Kate! You'll be fine. We'll be fine, baby, we look like whatever we want to look like. We're out of there the moment it gets too much', I tried, expecting tears but all I felt was apathy. I realised how easily I was transported back because I hadn't dealt with any of it, how easily it could break the life I spent an entire year building from scratch.
What worried me once I came out of my initial panic was how my brother was at all attached with these men. I called him knowing full well he has no context on the background that's racing in my mind and how weird it would seem if I was asking about these 3 men. He picked up before I had the time to come with a good excuse.
"Yo, what's up, Kathy?"
"Caleb, I just wanted to know the last couple of names on the guest list. My phone's being glitchy, it's not scrolling down."
"Why the fuck are you staring at the—"
"Just tell me, please? After Carter Joan."
"Ugh, don't you have to get ready or something? Whatever, gimme a second, let me pull it up", Caleb bothered. "Ok, um, wait… After which one?"
"Carter Joan."
"Right, um, it's…. Mara, Matthew, John—"
"Wait, Matthew who?"
"Matthew McConnell, why?"
"Oh, nothing, thought it was someone else. Though I think I've met him before, too", I tried.
"You have? I know him from Jax's club, we play pool together sometimes."
"Oh! Are you… close?"
"Not really, we only meet occasionally. Although, now that you mention it, I think that guy is kind of creepy. Stay away from him, will you?"
"Oh, I guess? The rest of the names?"
And so he went on to finish the list and I thanked and apologised and went straight to the bathroom. I puked faster than I was expecting, instantly feeling lightheaded and raw, finally tearing up a bit. I decided my clothes needed changing after all. I took out a simpler, more covered dress, pulled my hair up, left the makeup as simple as it was, practiced my fake smile for a bit knowing it would be useless but feeling the need to do it anyway.
I took a deep breath, gathering my keys, my emergency bag, and the clutch containing my phone, a taser, a pocket knife and a pepper spray, and walked out, down the corridor into the elevator. I pressed P and waited… maybe I should sit this out and go to the police first thing in the morning, maybe get a restraining ord—
The elevator buzzed as the doors slid open revealing perfectly organised expensive cars. Suddenly, I wasn't sure if living here was a good idea, any one of those rich snobs within 5 miles—
I took another deep breath as I came to a stop in front of my car barely even registering my moving feet. What was the next best thing you could do? Kill yourself? Call help? Who was reliable enough to—
"Kate?"
I turned my head so fast, I couldn't even see for the first couple of seconds. Michael. Maybe I should ask Michael?
"You ok?", asked the cuff links moving towards my eyes, his hands a soothing cold as he wiped my tears away.
"No", I whispered, like it was a secret I was too scared to admit. And it was. I was scared my life was going to snap like a twig.
"What can I do?", swollen lips, more red than they should be, asked me. I was instantly shaken, rationally knowing it was ok that he was with someone probably just moments ago but with all the wrong memories in my brain, it just wasn't the right person at the right time. I shook my head and wiped off the water.
"Nothing", I said, getting in the car. I knew I had to do my life myself, I just never pictured it would be this brutal, this painful and all for what? I never pictured I'd be so weak at it.
As it stood, I had no option.
I drove straight into a nightmare.