A man in a cheap black business suit collapsed out of his chair and began crawling on his knees toward the stage. Security stiffened. The crowd applauded his madness.
The man stopped five steps from the podium, forehead pressed to the floor, and howled:
NO! We don't want that! Maiji, guide us, teach us, lead us to the true path!
Maiji Kuiper smiled down condescendingly and spoke:
You, who suffer from ignorance and helplessness, you pitiful little chufus… and the rest of you sweat glands in human form — listen well! A long journey awaits you. Many will wear down their heels along the way, but if you learn to properly inspire, accumulate, and stimulate… then one day, yes one glorious day, you will lift your head from the floor—and your feet from the ground.
The poor fellow, still frozen in a kneeling pose, suddenly began to levitate… rising higher and higher until he touched the ceiling panels above. Gasps and squeals filled the room. Maiji whispered into his microphone:
Valeria, bring Mini-Ben down slowly, and don't forget to pay him after the He did alright tonight, so send him a montage of my greatest speeches via Messenger.
Yes, when needed, the Maiji could be grateful.
The staff actor floated gently back down and froze in place, listening intently to the Guru's continued sermon.
Where do we begin the Affirmation Course? Naturally, with accepting this one truth: Family comes Especially in the early stages of your transformation, when you're still weak and require a crutch—any crutch—to stay upright. So constantly remind yourself that there are certain humans you need by your side to walk this Long Path.
Keep them in your thoughts. And if your memory is as terrible as I suspect (after all, you don't recall your past lives like your humble servant does…) — he paused, the moment filling with laughter. Everyone got the joke, of course. They were the servants here, not him!
...then absorb not only spiritual memory, but also physical memory Begin a glycine course immediately.
Just then, Stacey leapt onto stage in a costume — technically, in a cardboard box poorly designed to look like a countryside home. In her hands, she held a tote bag of belongings. Standing center stage, she performed a jazz number about the importance of home and family. Meanwhile, Maiji Kuiper ducked behind a podium to change — not into anything new, of course, but the same outfit with a few flashy new effects added.
After finishing his quick-change, he gestured sharply for his assistant to leave, but the poor cheap knock-off couldn't see a thing in that box outfit. Growling into his lapel mic, Maiji barked at Valeria to get in touch with her and drag her offstage, for heaven's sake!
At last, the so-called creature waddled off, and the Sky-Gazer resumed his sermon. The big screen zoomed in on the areas he pointed to:
As I mentioned before—though repetition is essential for simple minds—in the early phase, you must not shy away from symbolic clothing. You can combine function with fashion! Enhance your memory by turning your outfit into a walking dose of Vitamin B12!
Where do your lives begin? With a mother and father, or two fathers, or two mothers, or Parent #1 and Parent #2, depending on your family type. Always remind yourself of that.
The Influencer pointed to each of his shoulders, where smiling images of a man and a woman were painted in acrylic. Of course, they weren't his real parents (Maiji was birthed by ionizing radiation), but downloaded stock photos, handpicked by Valeria.
They stand atop your Family Tree—or rather, your Outfit See now the sides of my tuxedothese are your brothers and sisters, walking life's path beside If you're an only child, just mark that spot with an -X.
And now the knees! Here you'll find your grandparents. Their position near the floor is not to imply they're heading to the land of the forever worms — no, no! They are your roots, the base and foundation of your lineage.
And of course, behold these hands! He raised them high, showing off form-fitting polyester gloves. On each palm stares a child — a boy, a girl, and here — a gender-neutral baby. Their faces twisted in comic agony.
You see how warped they look? Already these tiny brats are preparing to cry and get on everyone's nerves!
The hall burst into wild, Homeric laughter. Maiji grinned with divine satisfaction. Oh yes. He was killing it tonight.
As always.
– You are giving birth to a new life in this world, releasing – metaphorically speaking – a new being from your very palms. But your palms can carry more than just the images of your children. Oh yes, my dear droplets of cosmic slime – they can hold the one thing you crave most: money!
Curious, aren't you, how one can manifest the exact amount one desires through the fine art of imagi-vibrating?
Money… is a dummy in the realm of higher energies.
Yet while you remain the embryonic plankton that you are, it remains necessary. And now, I shall reveal how I made my first billion… purely through subtle frequencies.
A loud whisper echoed through the temple of enlightenment – thanks to the crystal acoustics, everyone heard it. A woman was speaking, voice full of belief:
Just listen to the Maître. Maybe then you'll finally understand yourself, dear I told you he'd help.
But this is all absurd! – A timid male voice – If he's so rich, why is his mic stand taped up and about to fall apart?
Hisses and glances of disapproval followed. But lo and behold – mere seconds after the boy's line, the microphone, and casually laid back on the stand… collapsed with a crash! The resulting feedback screamed through the speakers.
The Maître responded instantly, for the Universe had spoken!
You see, my tiny Chufuses – how a single thought transforms from invisible vibrations into raw electrostatic discharge! One mention of the mic stand… and the Universe heard!
Thunderous applause. Then, a small, offended mumble:
I'm not a tiny Chufus…
Oh, but you're not just anything! – proclaimed the Master of Knowing, dramatically pointing at the boy. – You… are a Follower.
Seizing the moment, he whispered into his private comm device:
Valeria, runs this kid through every available I want everything – phone, socials, food allergies, and the works.
The performance limped along for a few more minutes, until the Maître decided he had sufficiently blessed the crowd with his divine throat. Why strain when you could not?
The audience erupted with cheers, some pleading for an encore. He waved them away like flies. Exit, peasants.
Casey and Stacey rolled out his custom-made inflatable throne. He sank into it, basking in the sunlight that now poured through the stained glass. The sun, today, had risen just for him. He absorbed its warmth. After all, he hadn't eaten in weeks – pranic diet, you see.
Valeria sprinted into the crowd and grabbed the two instigators – the brash girl and her reluctant companion. Up on stage they went. She was all too eager. He walked like someone had a gun on him.
How dare you?! – barked the Maître.
Uh… sorry? – The boy
You didn't want to come up That alone is blasphemy. You should dream of this moment every miserable second of your life.
Just as the boy opened his mouth to speak, the Maître's loyal disciple cut him off:
We are beyond honored, oh Radiant Master! I barely got these tickets – and we were so moved by your sermon that we might've lost our heads just a little from sheer euphoria.