I woke up face-down in dirt.
Not the soft, garden-variety dirt either.
No.
This was villain-origin dirt.
The kind that sticks to your teeth and smells like someone tried to plant onions in sadness.
The moment I woke up in the dirt, one question slammed into my skull harder than any truck:
"Do I have Return by Death… or nah?"
Because if I do have it, I'm basically Subaru with DLC.If I don't, I'm just… a dude standing in filth.
But unlike Subaru, I'm not emotionally built for repeated death.I'm barely built for mild inconvenience.
Still. I had to test it.
So I looked around. No one was watching. Perfect.
I walked to the side of the street, clenched my fist dramatically, and whispered:
"Okay… I'll just try to die a little bit."
Which, by the way, is impossible.Death is very binary.
But a coward can dream.
Attempt 1: The Alleyway Fall Test
I found a short stone ledge beside an alleyway — about knee height.
"If I fall backwards and hit my head, maybe I'll die instantly and return to the checkpoint."
I sat on the ledge.
Leaned back.
And gently lowered myself like an elderly cat.
My head tapped the stone with the force of a single potato chip falling onto carpet.
"Ow.
…That did nothing."
Attempt 2: The Slightly Higher Ledge Test
I found a taller ledge.
About waist high.
"This one will DEFINITELY trigger death."
I stood on it, took a deep breath, and—
—lost my balance because I'm a klutz.
I fell like a sack of laundry, landed on my back, wheezed like a dying harmonica, and rolled around clutching my ribs.
BUT I DID NOT DIE.
No rewind.
No darkness.
No beating heart sound effect.
Just embarrassment and lower spine pain.
Attempt 3: The Water Test (I Cannot Swim)
I approached a small canal.
"Okay… calm, peaceful drowning. That sounds… normal. Definitely normal."
I stepped in.
Water level: ankle.
I stared down.
"…This won't work."
Attempt 4: Asking a Random NPC to Kill Me
There was a burly guy carrying crates.
I approached him.
"Sir, can you—uh—maybe kill me real quick?"
He blinked.
Tilted his head.
Set down his crate.
"…You good?"
I panicked.
"No—YES—NO—never mind—goodbye—"
I ran away at Mach 10.
Attempt 5: The Final Test — Committing to It
Fine.If RBD only activates on actual death, then I needed… actual death.
So I found a dark alleyway where no one would interrupt.
I grabbed a random rusted dagger someone had tossed out (worldbuilding, thank you).
Held it to my chest.
My hands trembled so hard the blade jingled like festive Christmas murder bells.
"Okay… okay… on three…
…one…
…two…
TWO-POINT-ONE…
TWO-POINT-TWO…"
I never reached three.
Because I threw the dagger away, curled into a ball, and screamed:
"I CAN'T DO IT! I'M NOT BUILT FOR PERMA-DEATH EXPERIMENTS!"
My heartbeat didn't slow.
No shadow hands clutched me.
No Witch of Envy whispered sweet nothings.
Just silence.
And the certainty that if Return by Death existed… I would've triggered it by now.
I wiped my sweat, stood up, and concluded scientifically:
"Cool. I don't have Return by Death. My only survival tool is—CHEATING WITH PROPHECIES."
"That was my first thought."
My second thought was:
"Oh hell no. I refuse to suffer. Rejecting all suffering arc, NOW."
Because listen—when an anime fan wakes up in a medieval-looking city filled with suspiciously pretty people and fantasy architecture, you don't need Sherlock Holmes. You just need Trauma™. And brother, Re:Zero fans have plenty.
I scanned my surroundings for the three most dangerous things in early-game Lugnica:
1.Pickpocket kids.
2.A silver-haired half-elf with world-ending luck.
3.A psychopath with knives and a medical degree she definitely didn't earn legally.
But this time?
This MC?
THIS GUY RIGHT HERE?
I came prepared.
I clapped my hands dramatically.
"Okay. No Return by Death?
Fine. Then I speedrun the plot with PROPHECIES."
Effect: Talk confidently enough and people will believe you know the future.
Nice.
As I stepped into the capital streets, I mentally reviewed the timeline. First arc: Emilia gets her insignia stolen by Felt. Subaru bleeding out, Elsa turning people into spaghetti, Reinhard pressing the Easy Mode button.
Except I am not Subaru.
Subaru is allergic to asking for help.
I, meanwhile, am allergic to dying.
As I navigated the market, something glittered in my peripheral vision. Silver hair. Purple eyes. Cloak. Cat spirit floating like a smug balloon.
Ah yes. Emilia-At-First-Meeting-Script.
She approached, looking cautious but polite—damn, she really did look unreal in person.
"Excuse me," she said softly, "you look a bit lost."
"I AM," I said instantly, grabbing her shoulders dramatically. "LISTEN. YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE ASSASSINATED IN APPROXIMATELY—"
I checked the sky.
Squinted.
Held my hand out like I was measuring wind speed or divine vibes.
"—fifteen minutes."
Emilia blinked. "I… what?"
Puck floated closer, ears twitching. "Hey kiddo, that's a weird thing to open with."
They were suspicious.
Totally fair.
Anyone would be.
So I doubled down.
"You're Emilia, candidate for the throne, owner of a rare-class spirit, being hunted by a black-market assassin known as Elsa Granhiert. She likes slicing guts. Hobbyist organ rearranger. You're welcome."
Puck squinted. "That is… concerningly detailed."
"Prophecy," I said, tapping my temple. "I foretell futures. Long story. Cosmic migraine. Whatever. But the danger? Real."
Emilia hesitated.
This was it—the branch point where she (1) calls me crazy, or (2) listens.
I didn't give her the chance to choose.
"Also! Theft!" I said, pointing behind her dramatically. "In eight minutes, a thief steals your insignia. Blond, short, sprint speed level 500. And when you chase her? The assassin catches you."
Emilia froze.
Puck froze.
…Got them.
She stepped closer, whispering, "If this is true… what should I do?"
"Easy," I said, grinning. "We call the strongest cheat code in Lugnica."
Emilia frowned. "Who?"
"Reinhard van Astrea."
Puck gasped. "THE Reinhard?"
"I literally refuse to fight Elsa with my soft mortal organs," I said. "Reinhard soloes every creature, problem, and planetary entity within a five-kilometer radius."
Puck nodded slowly. "Honestly, fair."
"Okay," I said. "Where is he right now?"
I snapped my fingers.
"Oh right! I can just yell."
I took a deep breath.
"REEEEEEEIN"