The funerals were different then I expected, folks here got buried in the ground western style. Didn't let anyone else help dig the graves, the least I can do since it's my fault the 'ogre' showed up at all. No one deserves to be in these shitty little mud holes more than I do. Everyone was busy, so barely anyone showed up to Gralkus's funeral, even less for Ferra. She never told me what flowers she liked, so she gets beer and knives for an offering instead. I kept one for myself, maybe she'll keep watching my back this way.
Lirien still tries to reach for things with his missing hand, he acts tough, but he's always avoiding my gaze…always saying sorry like he didn't save the day. He barely sleeps anymore, Lyria helps shoulder him around town to deal with healing, but Rina and the other martyrs can't take anymore so half the town is limping around.
When the mill collapsed half the jobs went with it so even the wounded are scrambling to rebuild, it's not fancy like before, but they can cut logs and that seems to be good enough for now.
Merrik took over for Gralkus and has me doing odd jobs, fixing, carrying, whatever needs doing. It doesn't matter as long as it keeps me busy, Lirien doesn't even bring up the money I owe him anymore…why am I even here…
Fixing houses, nailing down roofs, the repairs eat up most days, I ain't a carpenter so it's all grunt work. No one gives me funny looks when I show up at their houses, it's all smiles, thank yous, sometimes a snack, what did I do to deserve special treatment? -
Hanging out with the kids is still on the list, Merrik asked me to handle it since he's busy trying to be the new Gralkus. Fighting, wrestling, seems like they are the only ones that stayed normal, I try to match their energy and none of them really question it. They never had to use the swords Merrik gave them and complain about it every time I see them.
The woman I saved during the attack visits now and then, she always brings some kind of food, or a snack, but I never really know what to say to her, so I just tell her it's good, or thanks…She always leaves with a big smile.
Lirien's house didn't get damaged during the attack, but Faela ends up busy every day trying to help fix clothes or shoes or whatever else for the people in town. She comes to the tavern too, checking on her kids…maybe she's checking on me…I don't know what to say to her. She took my jacket, said she'd fix it up since it got shredded, dads buckle got mangled too…just can't keep anything safe…
Aniki is famous, the 'orc hero', the 'ogre slayer', it's half of what I hear anyone talk about, but he's busy like everyone else now. He came by when we buried Ferra, and he sits with me for dinner some nights…maybe he doesn't know what to talk about either…or maybe he sees the way I've fucked up so much and is being careful.
Trav's bar is busy, everyone likes to drink, just lonely…quiet drinking, sometimes people cry or yell, It's never singing or dancing anymore. When is the shitty old midget going to burst out and yell at us, when will the pixie cut sukeban come tease me about soup…Lyria doesn't even try and ask about things anymore…dammit it's so quiet…
Weeks and weeks, this same song and dance, everyone handling me with kids gloves, fake smiles,thanks and apologies, I wish just one of them would tell me to 'fuck off'. Lirien and Aniki are always off now, talking together, Lyria….even Faela sometimes... Is this how I get pushed out like some loser in class everyone pretends doesn't exist?
Drinking, drinking alone, it's a solution that never gets old, Trav lets me drink cheap long as I put on a smile, long as i pretend it's a celebration, who gives a shit…I don't need to listen to their bullshit, I don't need their attention, I need beer, and the cold night air with this big empty sky waiting to take me.
"I'm! fucking! Done!"
God the words feel good.
"Dun' wit wot?"
Aniki's heavy boots thumping on the grass, like a big shadow in his armor, a splotch of darkness creeping up the hill at me like death.
"I…I'm done with all your damn pretending! All of you! It's my fault they're dead! It's my fault Lirien is a fucking cripple! Quit acting like I can't handle hearing it!"
The bottle slipped when I waved at him…or maybe I wanted to throw it…but that shattering sound against his armor…fuck…I didn't wanna hit him…I just…
The ground shakes, and Aniki's boot knocks me across the hill, I can barely breathe, coughing until I vomit into the grass. I can hear his boots getting closer before he reaches down and picks me up by my collar like I'm a child.
"Dis' wot'cha wont? Foine, It'z ya' faoult! Alla it! But'cha did ya' bes', ya'fought loike ah' mahn! Not erry wor' 'ero woz ah' winnah!"
He sets me down and slaps my back.
"Daz whoy I like ya', ya' foight loike ah' orc, so lose loike one! Drink, fuck, and tel' erryone how it'll be betta next toime!
I don't know what to say to him, he's right but…is it that easy? He looks away, far off somewhere before turning back to me.
"Ya' come see me at mah camp…Tommara noight…Woz' gonna wait…but it'z fine."
He seems a little off, he said it all fast and stormed off, ugh…maybe he is going to kick my ass for real. I spit out the leftover beer and dinner a few times before heading back to Liriens to sleep.