Smack!
My mother's hand connected with my cheek so hard it stung.
"Do you have any idea how expensive this university is, Joshua?!"
'Yes, I do have an idea, I thought. You remind me every time I fuck up.'
But of course, I didn't dare say that out loud. I just stood there, jaw tight, eyes fixed on the kitchen floor while her voice tore through the air like a whip.
"When will you grow up?! When will you finally realize how much harm you're causing your parents?!" she shouted, her voice cracking under its own fury. Spit flew as she spoke.
'Harm?' I wanted to laugh.
'You've been steering my life since I could walk. I let you choose everything-- my school, my "friends", my goddamn major. I didn't even get to choose what dreams I could have. And now you're saying I'm ungrateful because I'm not the top of the class? I'm not even failing.'
My fists clenched so tightly my nails cut into my palms. I bit my tongue until I tasted blood, forcing myself silent as she slapped me again-- and again-- each strike duller than the last.
That's how an average day played out for me.
I wasn't even interested in medicine. I wasn't interested in anything, really. I'd never been allowed to be. Passion was a luxury-- one I didn't know how to afford. Not when every decision I made was overwritten before it could exist.
I was twenty-one and already hollow. No friends, no partner, no dreams. My classmates liked me well enough, but they never knew me. Because There was nothing to know.
Ironically, I was good at running. My kindergarten teacher once told my parents I could go pro if I trained.
They shut it down immediately. "Sports are for those without ambition," they said.
Even a student tournament was out of the question-- a distraction.
'Joshua! … Joshua! … Joshua!!'
The sound of my name became a curse. Every time they said it, it felt like they were peeling something off me. my dignity, my patience, my sanity.
By eighteen, I stopped introducing myself as Joshua. I was just Josh. It was the only decision I'd ever made for myself.
Gaming was the only hobby I had. Not because I loved it, but because it was quiet. Because nobody could yell at me while I played. I wasn't playing for fun-- I was playing to disappear for a few hours at a time.
Then one night, everything broke.
I don't even remember what the fight started about. Maybe my grades. Maybe my future. Maybe the fact that I'd left a cup on the table. All I know is she screamed until her throat was raw, and I screamed back for the first time in my life.
I told her I hated her. Told her she'd ruined me.
She went silent for a second. Then she started to cry-- loudly, dramatically-- and said I wasn't her son anymore.
That night, I packed my bag.
I didn't take much. Just my laptop, some cash, a change of clothes. I didn't even think. I just ran.
I ran until my lungs burned, until the city lights blurred into streaks of gold and gray, until the voices in my head went quiet.
And for the first time in my life… I felt free.
I laughed and cried as much as I wanted-- as much as I needed for the very first time in my life.
But freedom, I learned, doesn't mean peace.
It means silence-- the kind that eats away at you when you realize no one's waiting for you anywhere.
I drank cheap tap water, ate convenience store scraps, spent my nights staring at the ceiling of cheap motels.
I thought running away would make me someone, but it only made me more aware of how empty I was. There was no dream to chase. No destination. Just movement.
I was Free, but Joshua still didn't exist.
---
One day, a strange red door led me to an eerie maze.
There was hardly any food or water. The air was cold and metallic, and the walls seemed to breathe.
To make matters worse, monsters crawled through the corridors-- things that looked almost human.
That maze- that place- was Heaven to me.
I didn't need to worry about expectations anymore. I didn't need to curse my past. I didn't even need to worry about money.
I could run again-- use the only thing I was good at.
This place was as empty as I was. As void as my being. But it offered escape.
And that was something I couldn't find, even after running from home.
Then, one fateful day…
---
I was losing too much blood. My feet were severed cleanly off by a clawed hand-- a man named Charles.
Panic set in. I wanted to run but I couldn't. I wanted to flee- to live- to exist.
"Mom... Dad…"
I cried. I sobbed until I choked on my own tears. I missed them.
Deep inside, I wanted to apologize- no matter how hollow they'd made me feel.
---
Those were the pitiful memories I inherited from the person called Joshua.
Now I lived in his stead.
I didn't ask for this existence, but I didn't want it to end either.
A voice echoed in my head- sharp, oily, familiar. It sounded like Charles.
It told me to kill humans. To eat them.
I never did. Maybe that's why I was so malnourished. My skin pale, my eyes sunken, my body a ghost of Josh's own.
I'm not sure if the other mimics went through the same thing, but I didn't just inherit Josh's memories.
I inherited his feelings.
I felt his lack of identity. His hollow kind of freedom. His loneliness.
But in due time I also felt... at home.
Not because of the maze-- not because Charles either-- but because of two humans.
Sarah and Yuwon.
The most fragile beings in this hell, stripped of life, choice and freedom-- and yet they laughed. They lived. Dying in this maze didn't cross their minds even once. They never lost who they were.
I grew attached. They were supposed to be prey- toys for me to hunt. But I couldn't.
Yuwon was like an older brother. Grounded, calm, protective.
He made me believe I could maybe escape with them, even though this place had claimed me.
And Sarah…
My heart skipped whenever she looked at me. Every touch sparked something in my chest and her voice was like soothing music to my ears. A Sensation the real Josh never knew.
'Is this love?'
The question haunted me more than hunger ever could.
They gave me something precious: a sense of identity.
I wanted to protect them. To escape with them.
To make this feeling my own.
But when we reached the exit- that massive hall of pillars, reeking of rot, the floor a sea of limbs and blood--
the voice came back. Louder. Angrier.
'I just have to get through the exit,' I told myself.
'It'll stop once we're out.' I reasoned.
But halfway through, I lost control.
My body moved on its own. My hands obeyed the voice.
I said things I didn't mean. Did things I didn't want.
It was cruel- the same control, the same imprisonment the real Josh had lived under all his life.
'So thats how you felt, Joshua...'
I cried, screamed, begged as I watched myself mutilate the only people I loved.
I pierced Yuwon's stomach. I severed Sarah's arm. I begged the voice to stop. I pleaded to die in their stead.
But it was done.
I thought they were dead.
Then I heard Yuwon's voice.
Alive. Angry. Desperate.
He screamed-- louder than the voice in my head.
And for a moment, I felt control return. Not much, but enough.
Enough to pull my punches. Enough to let his hits land. Enough to let him live.
He hesitated, but he didn't give up on me.
And for that, I was truly grateful.
Now here I am. Kneeling. My body breaking apart. My end long overdue.
He pats my shoulder. A gesture that says;
'you can rest now.'
And for the first time since I can remember, I smile. A gentle but sad smile. Not one thats forced by the voice, but a smile that welcomes the end of a journey.
'I hope they stay in touch... I want then to have each other's backs' a singular tear leaves my one remaining eye.
"Take her… and leave already…" I whisper with the last bit of life i have left, as my vision fades to black.