"Plan A. The best course of action; absolutely foolproof. Gender is merely a social construct, after all. There is a concoction known as Polyjuice Potion that can alter your physical form at will. Once you become a girl, you can waltz into the girls' dormitory without issue. For 100 Galleons, we can brew it for you. It should take about a month."
"A month? You can collect my corpse by tomorrow morning."
"Then there is Plan B. This is a middle-ground strategy, and the odds are decent. We know there is a broken set of Vanishing Cabinets at Hogwarts. If you enter from this side, you might pop out of the corresponding cabinet," Fred suggested.
"There is only one tiny logistical hurdle: how do we move a massive cabinet into the girls' dormitory unnoticed? We can't exactly stop a random First Year and ask, 'Excuse me, could you please haul this antique wardrobe into your dorm so we can make nocturnal visits?'" George added.
"Why don't you two just find a girlfriend? She'd surely be happy to sneak you in," Kevin suggested dryly.
"Great idea. I think Angelina is brilliant on the pitch."
The twins gave a unanimous response, followed immediately by an awkward silence. They glared at each other, then tacitly decided to skip that topic entirely.
"As a last resort, Plan C: Apparition," Fred broke the silence.
"I remember Professor McGonagall saying that you can't Apparate inside Hogwarts."
"Actually, wizards can't Apparate, but House-elf magic is different; they aren't bound by the same restrictions," George corrected.
"The good news is, we have a very kind elf friend," Fred said.
"The bad news is, her Apparition accuracy is slightly... off. But it's not a major problem," George added quickly.
"Define 'slightly off'?"
"Don't worry, I guarantee she won't separate your head from your body," Fred assured him.
"It won't teleport you inside a wall. At most, the landing coordinates will be a few feet off," George said.
"Don't look at us with that suspicious expression. If we're lying to you, may our little brother be chased and bitten by an Acromantula," they said in unison.
(In the dormitory, Ron sneezed loudly, muttering, "Why is my jumper always maroon?" before pulling it on anyway.)
"Fine, I trust you." Kevin decided to take the risk.
Moments later, the twins summoned a House-elf with huge, tennis-ball-sized purple eyes.
"Ruru, we need your help," Fred said.
"Ruru is more than happy to help Master Weasleys." She bowed politely so low her nose grazed the carpet.
"Please teleport him to the girls' dormitory," Fred said, pointing at Kevin.
"Ruru?" The elf looked distressed. "This... this does not comply with school rules."
"School rules are for students to follow, not elves. You don't have to worry. Besides, this is a mission to save innocent lives," George advised solemnly.
Kevin could almost hear the [Deception Check Passed] notification ping in the air.
"Okay... if it is to help others, Ruru is willing." She turned to Kevin. "Please, sir, relax."
Ruru pointed a slender finger at Kevin. The space around him distorted violently, twisting like a wrung-out dishrag. He vanished instantly—leaving his pile of clothes behind on the floor.
"It seems very wise of us to find a volunteer to test this before we let ourselves be teleported by Ruru," Fred said, picking up Kevin's belt and marveling at it.
"We'd better go find Kevin; he might be in a bit of a state," George suggested.
"He's probably in the girls' dorm right now. Are you sure he needs our help? Why don't we give him some time?" Fred laughed.
"That makes sense. Shall we play a game of Exploding Snap?" George asked.
"I'm the best player at Hogwarts; why not?"
The House-elf transportation was far more unsettling than standard travel. Kevin felt dizzy, nauseous, and on the verge of suffocation.
However, he soon realized that he was suffocating because he was underwater. Fortunately, the pool was not deep. After orienting himself, he managed to break the surface, gasping for air.
Kevin quickly assessed his predicament. He was stark naked in a waist-deep pool, completely stripped of his equipment.
Looking around at the ornate golden taps and the marble mosaics, he was certain he was in a bathroom—likely the Prefects' Bathroom given the luxury. That meant there was nothing to worry about; he just needed to grab a towel, sneak back to his dorm to get dressed, and then hunt down the Weasley twins to retrieve his inventory.
Is this what they call a "slight discrepancy"?Kevin thought bitterly.
Just as he reached for the door handle, a girl's dreamy humming drifted in from the corridor, followed by the soft patter of footsteps.
Panic nearly made Kevin fail his Composure check, but his 13 Agility kicked in. He spun around, slid silently back into the pool, and cast Bubble-Head Charm (modified for underwater breathing) and Disillusionment Charm on himself. He crouched down, submerging completely.
The series of actions was executed in one smooth, practiced motion.
The door creaked open. A girl walked in, practically dancing to a rhythm only she could hear. She had waist-length, dirty-blonde hair that looked slightly unkempt, faint eyebrows, and was wearing a pair of bizarre spectacles shaped like stars, one lens red and the other blue.
She was carrying a wooden basin, but her movements were erratic. She twisted and turned constantly, as if shaking off invisible ants crawling on her skin. Beneath her short skirt, two long legs clad in mismatched blue and white striped socks moved back and forth in a strange cadence.
The girl walked to the edge of the pool, turned around, and placed the wooden basin on the ground. She reached out and peeled off her striped socks, tossing them into the basin, all while continuing her strange, twisting dance.
She quickly undressed and jumped into the water, incredibly still wearing those strange glasses.
Underwater, Kevin learned a little-known biological fact: the blonde girl was blonde everywhere.
Kevin moved stealthily to the far side of the pool, thinking that the only option now was a tactical retreat. It was Christmas morning; there shouldn't be many people in the bathroom. The safest strategy was to wait until the girl finished showering and left. He was, after all, a gentleman (mostly). He didn't want to scare anyone, and he certainly didn't intend to stay and ogle the "two bright moons."
The problem was that Kevin had severely underestimated the amount of time girls spent in the bath.
For some reason, this girl kept turning her head sharply to look around, splashing through the tub as if dodging invisible projectiles. She muttered to herself, "Stay away from me... the Wrackspurts are terrible today."
Kevin didn't have time to ponder what a Wrackspurt was, because his nose was almost grazed by the girl's heel as she pirouetted in the water. He could only keep moving, drifting like a ghost to avoid physical contact.
A strange sight played out in the cramped luxury pool: a blonde girl constantly dodging unseen magical pests, while an unseen boy constantly dodged the blonde girl.
Kevin groaned internally. Not only was the duration of his Disillusionment Charm ticking down, but the situation was becoming biologically untenable. Whether stimulated by the proximity of the "bright round moon" or the sheer absurdity of the situation, a certain part of his anatomy decided to stand to attention, saluting the moon like a loyal soldier.