There Are No Gravity-Defying Skirts in the Ninja World
The orange cat was trudging along the road when its forehead collided with something solid.
It looked up.Uchiha Tobika had stopped mid-step, wearing the kind of troubled expression usually reserved for clan meetings or discovering you've run out of instant ramen.
"Hmph."The cat jabbed him with a paw, lifting its chin in peak tsundere superiority.
"Regretting it now? Too late. I suddenly realized my amber eyes are gorgeous, you know."
Tobika slowly opened his eyes, hesitating.
"Fuyu… have you ever heard of a 'taunting weapon'?"
Taunting weapon?
The tone wasn't joking. The cat dropped its smug act and tilted its head, genuinely thinking.
Ninja tools weren't exactly a diverse category: kunai, blades, spears, fans… none of them insulted anyone on impact.
After straining its tiny brain, the cat tapped its own forehead.
"Tobika, what exactly is a taunting weapon?"
It climbed onto his shoulder, eyes sparkling with curiosity.
Tobika rubbed his chin, reluctant.
"I don't know what it is either. But I do know what a disgusting weapon looks like."
He briefly drifted into the memories of games he played before arriving in this world.A certain siege-game's infamous "massager."That one helmet made out of underwear.And the murder-book from that MOBA that taunted enemies if you stacked it, and taunted you if you couldn't.
None of those matched the system's description.
[Wild personality. Laughs like an Uchiha on a good day.]So the weapon could vocalize.[Normal under most circumstances; once excited, it screams, curses, and mocks the opponent.]So whatever it said… people could probably understand it.
Wonderful.
He opened the door to his dusty home, stepped inside, and approached the low table.
One last glance at the scroll. Tobika tightened his grip.
He really wanted to know what this "taunting weapon" was.
Poof.
A puff of white smoke burst out.
A dark, heavy object dropped onto the table.
The cat blinked, stared, blinked again.
"Tobika… this is the taunting weapon? Why does it look like a tea kettle?"
Tobika stared at the object. His face turned as dark as the lacquered metal.
It didn't look like a tea kettle.It was a tea kettle.
Why would the system give him this?Was he supposed to make tea, sip it, and mock coffee drinkers?
Clang.
"It moved! It moved!"
The cat shot up to Tobika's head, pointing frantically at the kettle.
"Tobika! This thing moves!"
Tobika nodded and gently set the kettle on the table again. He folded his arms, Sharingan unactivated, just watching silently.
This thing clearly wasn't a normal kettle.
Inside the kettle, someone else's consciousness was stirring.
Darkness. Endless darkness.
It had lived in darkness so long that even it, a born creature of sandstorms, felt lonely.
So it really was sealed. Again.
Damn it.Old Man had lied to it. Again.
In the Old Man's promises, it was supposed to run freely in open fields, laughing at humans behind it.
"Come chase me if you dare!"
Reality was fists, shouting, and eventually another sealing ritual.
And now?Another prison.Another stretch of endless dark.
Then—
Huh?
The seal felt… gone?
…No way. They wouldn't remove the seal just to beat it again, right?
Whatever. Even if they did, it wanted to see the stars.
Gathering its courage, it pushed open the seal by a sliver and peeked outside—
And immediately slapped itself in the head.
No. Absolutely not. It must be hallucinating.There was an Uchiha Madara smiling at it from the wall.No sane tailed beast would stay awake after seeing that.
After lying down for a moment, it tried again, slowly pushing the lid.
And saw the truth:It was just a poster.A cheap framed photo of Madara with someone else.
Good.Madara was definitely dead.
Relief filled it.It scanned the room.
One human.One cat.No one else.
Its fear melted into something closer to excitement.
"Yaaaah-haaa—!"
BAM.
Tobika slammed the lid shut.
He turned to the cat, horrified.
"Fuyu, I think… I'm not fully awake. My head's fuzzy."
"Then sleep," the cat said, grooming its claws. "You spent days stuck to Yakura. You're overstimulated. Confusion is normal."
"No, not that."
Tobika pointed weakly at the kettle.
"I think I just saw… a tailed beast."
The cat froze.Its fur puffed up as if hit by static.
"Wh-which… which one?"
"Looked like the one-tail."
The kettle trembled violently.
Tobika stood up, Sharingan flaring. Cold sweat formed on his forehead.
No way.A tailed beast?A real one?
Poof!
"Yaaaah-haaa—!"
A sandy, round head burst out of the kettle, eyes wide with adrenal joy.
Shukaku.
The One-Tail.
It inhaled dramatically, even though it didn't need to breathe.
The air was sweet.And no one was yelling, punching, or trying to suppress it.
For once, this felt… nice.
Moments passed.
Shukaku glanced around, waiting for screaming.For jutsu.For someone to yell "Contain it!"
Nothing happened.
The awkward silence grew unbearable.
It stomped its foot.
"HEY! I'M OUT!"
Still nothing.
Tobika calmly wiped his forehead with a tissue.
Shukaku's voice cracked.
"…I'm out?"
"Yes."Tobika nodded with the deadpan calm of a man who had already hit his emotional limit for the week.
Shukaku's tiny brain raced.Uchiha clan.Madara's face on the wall.This guy wasn't scared.And he had Sharingan.
Oh no.Oh no no no.
Don't tell me—Is this guy a descendant of Madara?A Mangekyo user?
Sweat rolled down its forehead.
It narrowed its eyes, voice shaky.
"Who… who am I?"
Tobika tossed the used tissue into the trash.
"The One-Tail. Shukaku."
Shukaku scanned the room for escape routes.
"You're… not afraid of me?"
"I was scared," Tobika said, sitting down again. "Now I'm not."
"Why?!"
Tobika leaned his cheek into his palm.
"Because I remembered something. My system wouldn't give me anything I can't control at my age. Try sensing your own chakra."
Shukaku paused.It checked.
And its soul shriveled.
Something was wrong.Very wrong.
It turned toward the distant direction of Sunagakure.
There.A mass of unconscious chakra.Intimately familiar.
Its body.Its real body.
Its consciousness had been split—pulled out, copied, transplanted into this kettle.Its original self remained in Suna.
What was it now?If this version died, would it even return?
Fear knotted in its gut.
Then Tobika called out.
"Hey."
Shukaku's eyes sharpened.
Everything might be this man's fault.
If it killed him, maybe it could return to normal.
It aimed its palm, chakra surging toward its mouth.
Wind Style: Drilling Air Bullet!
Boom!
The spinning wind sphere shot across the room.
Tobika casually scratched his nose, tilted his head, and let the attack pass his cheek. It punched a clean egg-sized hole in the door behind him.
He clicked his tongue.
"Your power's really nerfed."
Shukaku stared at the pitiful hole.Its eyelid twitched.
Yeah.Right now it couldn't beat a toddler.
It sagged, limbs retreating back into the kettle until only its head poked out.
Confused.Depressed.Lost.
Outside the room—
Uchiha Mikoto pressed down the hem of her skirt with one hand and rubbed her bruised thigh with the other, expression blank.
A minute earlier, she had been walking with Kushina.Kushina felt something stir in the distance, grabbed Mikoto, and hovered outside Tobika's house.
Before Mikoto could ask, a tiny wind jutsu blasted out of the window.
Her attention had been on Kushina, and the technique was weak despite the speed.She sensed no danger.
Only when it was already upon her did she realize something was off.
She could dodge.But then the attack might hit Kushina.
She hesitated.
That one beat of delay was enough.
The air bullet slammed into her thigh.
It would definitely bruise.
And worse—
In that moment, the wind flipped her skirt.
Mikoto's face remained expressionless as she swept the surroundings.
No witnesses.
Good.
"Let's go," Kushina said after calming her own chakra, glancing suspiciously at Tobika's house.To her, the Nine-Tails acting strangely was just Tuesday.
"Mikoto?" she asked suddenly. "Why are you limping?"
"Nothing."Mikoto forced a smile, eyes glancing toward Tobika's house.
"Leg cramp."
Whether it was intentional or not…
She now owed Uchiha Tobika yet another grudge.
And she was increasingly convincedit was intentional.
Way too convenient.