The Uchiha Clan's Amazing, Terrifyingly Bad Ideas (Double-Length Edition)
A pair of dry coughs echoed through the chamber.
The Grand Elder walked to the clan head's seat, sweeping his gaze across the assembled Uchiha before deliberately avoiding eye contact with Tobika. He had heard the entire earlier whisper-conversation between Tobika and Elder Ryoichi. That boy always took perfectly ordinary clan discussions and twisted them into… creative disasters.
No wonder Ryoichi stalled him with the classic Uchiha art: delay-no-jutsu.
Agreeing openly to Tobika's "Clan Head should divorce and marry Tsunade" proposal was just begging for Mikoto to personally burn someone's house down.
Still…
A terrible, brilliant idea took root.
Tsunade's heart was unpredictable.Mikoto's wasn't.
If Fugaku suddenly announced a divorce… would Mikoto's heartbreak trigger a Sharingan evolution? She already had three tomoe. A powerful emotional shock… could it awaken the Mangekyo?
If there was even a one-in-ten-thousand chance… a Mangekyo user could shift the political tides overnight.
As for patching the marriage later?
That would be future leadership's problem.He would be retired by then.And retired elders had no responsibility for the disasters they left behind.
Unless, of course, Mikoto blamed Tobika and declared, "He and I cannot both live."
Both were valuable clan assets.Losing either would be a headache.
Best to keep this weaponized idea in his pocket for future emergencies.
Down below, Tobika and several others watched the Grand Elder spacing out.
"Did he… glitch?" someone whispered.
Tobika leaned in. "He's old. Staying in office this long is admirable, but he should step down before he keels over during a meeting."
Elder Ryoichi nodded solemnly. "Indeed. He could die in office. It's time he retires and enjoys peace."
He rose to his full height, chest puffed out.
"I hereby nominate myself as the next Grand Elder. Do I have your support?"
Tobika snorted, slapped a paper labeled "DIVORCE" on Ryoichi's table, and said, "Support is mutual."
"Tch."Ryoichi turned to the man beside him. "Then you support me?"
The man placed his own demand on Ryoichi's pile.
"We need to restore our clan's reputation by beating the whole village in one-on-one duels. Crush them. Make them acknowledge our superiority."
Ryoichi stared, horrified.He dreamed big, but not that big.
Then he looked toward the blind elder—But the blind elder crossed his arms, scoffing.
"Ryoichi, if you want my vote, you support me first."
Ryoichi blinked.What now?
The blind elder stepped forward, solemn and self-important.
"I have spent decades researching Hashirama. Not because I admire him—heaven forbid—but because truth demands recognition. Compared to the Senju, our clan is petty, narrow, and obsessed with individual power. Hashirama possessed an unmatched spiritual force: the ability to understand others' hearts. His charisma united clans. If we want peace and dignity…"
He raised a fist, righteous.
"…we must resurrect Hashirama and let him lead Konoha again. And again. And again."
Tobika's eyelid twitched.
Infinite Hashirama Resurrection Plan?That was… morally bankrupt even by his standards.
Ryoichi leaned over and whispered, exasperated:
"He's been saying this since the academy. Decades. He wants the whole clan to help research forbidden resurrection techniques. Then resurrect Hashirama on loop. Eternal peace through eternal Hashirama."
Tobika silently decided that maybe he wasn't the darkest mind in the room.
The Grand Elder finally snapped out of his dangerous daydream and clapped sharply.
"Silence!"
The room quieted.
He unfolded a paper.
"With the Fourth Hokage stabilizing his authority—and given our past support—it is time to consider expanding our positive public image."
"I'll speak," Tobika said.
The Grand Elder's soul left his body for a moment.
Please… no divorce talk… not again…
Tobika stood, sweeping his eyes across the chamber.
"Changing our image is hard but not impossible. You've all read stories—comics, novels—where good triumphs over evil. In those stories? We're always cast as the villains."
Murmurs rippled through the room.
"Our clan has been labeled dangerous, rebellious, difficult. Trying to change overnight only makes us look suspicious. But if a villain reforms after being defeated by a righteous hero? That fits the narrative perfectly."
The Grand Elder's brows lifted.
"…go on."
"So we need a hero. A symbol of justice. Someone whose influence can 'redeem' us in the eyes of the village. After that, we create contrast—small, visible changes that show we've been 'moved' by righteousness."
The Grand Elder rubbed his temples.
"You speak theory well. But who is this hero?"
"Far away yet very close," Tobika said.
"You mean yourself?"
"No."Tobika smiled.
"I mean Princess Tsunade."
The Grand Elder's stomach dropped.
"So…?"
"So when is the Clan Head getting divorced?"
The Grand Elder slapped both hands onto his forehead.
Disgusting.He hated how this kid always looped back to divorce.
A man stood abruptly, scowling.
"Uchiha Tobika! What has the Clan Head ever done to you?"
Tobika looked at him lazily.
"Uchiha Onda, this isn't personal. Fugaku is failing the clan. A true leader sacrifices everything—including marriage—for the clan's future."
Onda leaned forward, voice cold.
"And you assume Tsunade would ever like him?"
Tobika shrugged. "I'm not saying Fugaku can get Tsunade. I don't care. I'm not the one courting her."
"You—!"Onda's face turned red.
"Divorce before, divorce after—Tsunade won't like him either way! Isn't that a pointless divorce?!"
Tobika placed a hand on Shukaku's kettle.
"Create opportunities, Onda."
"Opportunities?!" Onda scoffed. "Jiraiya spent his life risking death beside her. No progress. You think Fugaku can 'heroic-rescue' his way into her heart?"
Shukaku popped its head out, eyes gleaming wickedly.
"You donated your brain to your eyes, huh? He means an opportunity to sleep with her, idiot."
Onda's Sharingan flared.
Shukaku continued, hands on hips.
"For someone with a sealed heart like Tsunade, brute force is the only method. Love? Ha. Try—"
"Fire Release: Dragon Flame Formation!"
Onda inhaled sharply and blasted three raging fire dragons across the chamber.
Tobika smirked.
"Finally."
He crouched and formed hand seals as Shukaku sucked in air, belly swelling.
"Wind Release: Devouring Gale!"
Wind fueled flame, flame rode wind—
A roaring inferno swallowed the chamber.
The Uchiha jonin collectively panicked.
Combination ninjutsu?Indoors?!
"Stop—!" the Grand Elder shouted.
But Elder Ryoichi yanked him away and kicked the door open.
"Meeting adjourned! Run!"
They sprinted out as flame chased their heels.
"His power's grown again," Ryoichi puffed. "Truly a blessing!"
The Grand Elder didn't respond.He wanted a nap. Forever.
––––––
One hour later
Tobika strolled home with hands in pockets.
Right after the fight, the Grand Elder cornered him and dumped the "Beautify Clan History" project in his arms.
Beautifying Uchiha history…Great.
The official clan chronicle was…Fights.More fights.Murder.War crimes.Another fight.
He sighed.
"Hey," he asked Shukaku, "got any ideas for beautifying history?"
Shukaku tried. Its brain smoked again. Literally.
Tobika sighed deeper.
If the truth was too ugly, then… he could rewrite history.Creatively.
Love existed in human relationships—family, friends… couples.
Couples…
Glass shattered in his mind.
"Forget it," Tobika muttered. "I'll draw manga. If Jiraiya sells books without pictures, I can definitely sell picture-books."
He stopped suddenly.
Broken glass littered the street.
He looked up at a tall wall.
"Public decency? You're throwing trash on the street?"
Shukaku puffed up, shrill.
"Life requires cleaning, not dumping trash everywhere! Even a mangy fox wouldn't do that!"
On the other side of the wall, Mikoto—already livid from the clan meeting report—froze.
Then her last nerve snapped.
She leaped onto the wall, staring down at them with frostbitten composure.
"You dare say I lack public decency?"
Tobika looked up.
"Mikoto-sama, setting aside our past grudges: using public streets as your living room is… morally questionable."
Her breath hitched.
"You say I lack morals?"
"Mm."Tobika straightened, radiating the noble aura of a man who refused to bow to tyranny.
A fireball exploded on their left.
Shukaku's ears twitched.
"You Uchiha attack with zero warning?"
"Not always," Tobika said, dodging cleanly."Mostly just when they get angry faster than they can think."
Shukaku nodded, then parroted something it read in a magazine:
"Women get angry because they need a good pounding!"
"WHAT?!" Tobika choked.
Then he saw the black bead forming in Shukaku's mouth.
A tailed beast orb.
"No! Nobody survives that kind of 'pounding'! Stop reading my magazines!"