The room fell into a brief silence.
Subaru did not speak. He simply sat quietly in the chair, his eyes—which seemed devoid of emotion—calmly watching her. There was no urging, no judgment, only waiting.
Like a deep, bottomless lake.
No matter what you threw into it, it wouldn't stir up any waves.
But this calmness, conversely, made one feel at ease.
Honami Ichinose took a deep breath and began to tell her story:
"That was when I was in my third year of junior high."
Her voice was very light, as if drifting from a place far away.
"My family... is a single-parent family... Mom raised me and my little sister alone. Dad left when I was very young; I have almost no impression of him. Mom never complained. She always smiled and said, 'With you two here, Mom is very happy.'"
The corners of her mouth turned up slightly in a gentle smile, but the depths of her eyes held a trace of bitterness.
"But I knew she was working hard. She had to get up before dawn every day to make breakfast for us, then go to work, and come back very late at night. Sometimes she was so tired she didn't even want to eat and just collapsed on the sofa to sleep. I saw it in my eyes and felt pain in my heart... but at that time, I couldn't do anything."
Her voice lowered.
"My sister is five years younger than me. She was still in elementary school then. She was a very sensible child. Since she was little, she rarely asked Mom for things. Toys that other kids had, she didn't have; amusement parks other kids could go to, she couldn't go. But she never cried or made a fuss."
"Every time I saw her like that, my heart ached. I swore that when I grew up, I would definitely let her live a better life, letting her have whatever she wanted."
Her voice trembled slightly.
"At that time, she really liked a hair clip. It was the same model worn by a certain idol. Every time my sister saw that idol's photo, she would stare at that hair clip for a long time, her eyes full of longing."
"That was the first time she actively asked me for something."
"I was overjoyed at the time and immediately promised her that I would definitely give it to her on her birthday."
"But the me of that time had no money at all... and a junior high student couldn't do part-time jobs to earn money."
"In other words, if I couldn't buy it, I would never be able to buy it."
Her hands clenched tighter.
"And right at that time, Mom suddenly fell ill."
"Overwork. The doctor said she needed to be hospitalized for observation for a period of time and needed to rest well."
A tremor entered Ichinose's voice.
"I looked at Mom lying in the hospital bed, looked at that pale, exhausted face, and suddenly felt... I had to do something."
"My sister's birthday was just a few days away. She was looking forward to that hair clip so much, trusting so much that her big sister would give her a surprise. If I told her I couldn't buy it, she would smile and say it was okay—just like she always did."
"But I didn't want her to say 'it's okay' anymore."
"I wanted her to be truly happy, just once."
She closed her eyes.
"So I..."
She didn't continue.
But Subaru already knew what she was going to say.
"That day, I went to that store again."
Ichinose's voice was almost inaudible.
"...By the time I came to my senses, that hair clip was already in my hand. I became a thief."
"I knew it was wrong."
"I knew I shouldn't do that."
"But..."
Her tears finally fell.
Subaru did not speak.
He just sat there quietly, watching her.
"That night, when I gave it to my sister, she jumped up with joy. That was the first time she was so happy."
"However, Mom sensed something was wrong. The next day, dragging her body which hadn't fully recovered yet, she took me to that store."
Ichinose closed her eyes, seemingly unwilling to recall it again.
"That was the longest day of my life."
"The shopkeeper didn't call the police. He said, since my mother brought me there, and since I apologized, he would forgive me this once."
"But I... couldn't get past the hurdle in my own heart. From then on, I locked myself in my room."
"For about half a year, I didn't go to school. I didn't see anyone... every day I just lay in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling."
"Until I... received the admission notice for this school."
After Ichinose finished speaking, she didn't open her mouth again.
She sat by the bed just like that, head bowed, letting the tears flow silently.
It was a long time before she raised her head to look at Subaru.
Those eyes were full of redness, swelling, and tears, yet they also held a trace of relief.
Subaru hadn't spoken the entire time.
In fact, he had already known these things.
During a certain Return by Death in the past, Subaru had learned this intelligence.
This was also the reason why Ichinose, who was almost perfect in every aspect, was assigned to Class B.
"Thank you for listening to me finish."
Her voice was hoarse, but a bit more stable than before.
"I've never told anyone these words."
"Mom and my sister know about it, but they never mention it. My classmates don't know. The teachers don't know either. Everyone thinks I was just in poor health and took a break from school for a while."
"Only I know, it wasn't that my body was bad, it was that my heart was broken."
She gave a bitter smile.
And just at this moment, Subaru spoke again, his tone remaining calm:
"Do you know why she is targeting you?"
Ichinose froze for a moment.
"Sakayanagi?"
"Yeah."
Ichinose shook her head:
"Probably because of the Sports Festival..."
"No, it's not because of the Sports Festival, nor is it because of your past, but because of your present."
Ichinose furrowed her brows.
"What do you mean?"
"You are too dazzling."
Subaru's voice remained flat.
"The leader of Class A, the Honami Ichinose liked by everyone, the one who is forever warm, forever kind, forever able to unite everyone."
"Sakayanagi is different. She is smart, calm, and likes to control everything. But she doesn't have that... thing you have that makes people willing to follow you voluntarily."
"So she wants to know, if your darkest side is dug out, can you still continue to be that dazzling Honami Ichinose?"
Ichinose was stunned.
"You're saying..."
"She is conducting an experiment."
Subaru's gaze flickered slightly.
He was naturally clear on what Arisu Sakayanagi's true goal was.
To kill the chicken to warn the monkey.
To destroy Honami Ichinose to prove her own ability to himself.
However, Subaru did not say this out loud; instead, he gave a different reason.
Why do this?
Perhaps because it would be more interesting this way.
Subaru said this in his heart.
Ichinose heard Subaru's words and revealed a bitter smile:
"So, I'm just her experimental subject."
"Yeah."
"Then... will she get an answer?"
Subaru looked at her.
"That depends on you."
Ichinose froze for a moment.
"Depends on me?"
"Will you turn back into that girl who locked herself in her room because of these rumors?"
Subaru's voice remained flat, but every word was like a nail, driving into Ichinose's heart.
"Will you give up everything you have now because someone knows your past? Will you stop striving to be good to others because others look at you with strange eyes?"
Ichinose opened her mouth, wanting to say something, but didn't know what to say.
Subaru continued.
"You said just now, you wanted to use this method to atone for your sin."
"But the premise of atonement is—you feel you are guilty."
"You feel that the junior high student who stole things is the real you; you feel that as long as someone knows about that incident, they will look at you with that kind of gaze; you feel that your current 'goodness' is all a disguise."
Subaru focused his gaze on the girl in front of him.
She was somewhat close to a certain person he had once met.
Emilia.
Hiyori Shiina and Honami Ichinose both had some faint shadows of Emilia on them.
That existence who was incomparably gentle to the people around her.
But Subaru was also clear that the three of them were fundamentally different.
If looking merely at behavior, Honami Ichinose's way of acting was more like Emilia than Hiyori Shiina was.
More proactive, more enthusiastic—
But she was also even more not Emilia.
She also had no color.
Subaru didn't know how he reached this conclusion.
Perhaps it was the intuition from dying over and over again.
For Subaru, the darkness that Ichinose—no, not just her, but everyone—had experienced was far inferior to his own.
There is nothing more terrifying than death.
Of course, for the current Subaru.
Death also didn't matter.
If it were the previous him, Subaru would have watched helplessly as Ichinose abandoned herself to despair.
Because she had no value in generating color.
Subaru might even have buried her with his own hands.
However.
Subaru wanted to see if the person in front of him could bring him something special.
You are not Emilia.
You also cannot possibly be Emilia.
But perhaps you can demonstrate a different existence.
Subaru's eyes reflected the girl's face before him, and he continued speaking at the same time.
"But have you ever thought about it—"
"That junior high student is also a part of you."
"That big sister who would give her all for her little sister is a part of you."
"That daughter who was at a loss when her mother fell ill is a part of you."
"That girl who locked herself away for half a year after doing something wrong is a part of you."
"That class leader who got into this school and strives to be good to everyone is also a part of you."
"These are all you."
"Not a disguise, not atonement, not wanting to prove anything."
"It's just you."
Ichinose looked at him blankly.
She completely hadn't expected Subaru to say such words to her.
Ichinose originally thought that Subaru was the kind of person who didn't care about anything.
Even if she told him her past, he wouldn't have any reaction.
But...
Subaru was a bit different from what she imagined.
"...Natsuki-kun."
Her voice trembled.
"You... why can you say such words?"
Subaru was silent for a few seconds.
Then he spoke.
"Because I've also done many wrong things."
His voice remained flat, but in those deep gray eyes, something seemed to be flickering faintly.
"Things more serious than stealing."
"I've hurt many people, betrayed many people, and also lost many people."
"I also locked myself away once. Not in a room, but in a deeper place."
Beako was like this too, wasn't she?
Subaru suddenly understood.
Beatrice had always been locked in the Forbidden Library.
Not her body, but her heart.
She was one of the few people who could have color.
She was also the only person in the mansion who once believed in him.
But he had killed her with his own hands.
Was it liberation?
At that time, Subaru thought he had liberated Betty.
But he had simply used the worst method.
If I could start over—
Is this what Echidna was talking about?
"I also thought that if no one knew those things, I could start over."
"But later I discovered..."
Subaru narrowed his eyes slightly.
"No matter where I flee to, those things will follow me."
"Because they are a part of me."
"Not all of me, but they definitely exist."
"So I stopped running."
He looked at Ichinose.
"You stop running too."
Ichinose was stunned.
It was a long time before she spoke.
"Natsuki-ku..."
"Hm?"
"You... have you ever thought, if someone knew those things about you, how would they look at you?"
Subaru was silent for a few seconds.
"I have."
"And then?"
"And then I discovered—"
He paused.
"That it's not important."
Ichinose froze for a moment.
"Not important?"
"Yeah."
Subaru's voice remained flat.
"Because there will always be people who look at me with that kind of gaze, and there will always be people who won't."
"Rather than caring about those who look at me with strange eyes, isn't it better to..."
Kill them?
Those kinds of words can't be said out loud.
"Leave your time for those who won't."
Ichinose was silent for a long time.
Then she smiled.
That was a genuine smile.
No longer stiff, no longer forced, but a warm smile from the bottom of her heart.
"Natsuki-kun, you really..."
She shook her head.
"I don't know what to say."
"But thank you."
Subaru did not speak.
Ichinose stood up and walked to the window.
Moonlight spilled onto her, softening that face which still bore tear stains by a few degrees.
"I've figured it out."
Ichinose wiped away her tears and said with a smile,
"Whatever Sakayanagi-san wants to do, just let her do it."
"She wants to know if I will collapse, so I'll let her see—"
"I won't!"
She turned around, looking at Subaru.
"Because someone told me that those things are all a part of me; not the whole, but they definitely exist. I won't run away anymore."
Subaru looked at her.
It seemed he saw it.
Something that shouldn't have appeared on Ichinose.
A hazy...
"Ichinose."
He spoke.
"Hm?"
"You are much stronger than you think."
Ichinose froze for a moment.
Then she smiled.
"You said that sentence just now."
____
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