Living in a small town had its perks, especially in times of need. Everyone knew everyone, which could be both a blessing and a curse. As we drove in silence, Joel's hand on my thigh, I struggled to compose myself. The weight of my emotions was overwhelming, but his comforting touch helped me regain some control.
We pulled up to the front of the house. I could see the top of Jess's head through the window; it looked like they were watching the newest kids' movie that was out. I hoped my face wasn't an absolute mess; I'm sure with the day I have had, all the crying and breaking down, it was. Before I could say anything to Joel, he was already at my door, ready to open it. I guess he just wanted me to leave so he could get back to whatever he was doing. I didn't even see him get out of the car, let alone notice he opened his own car door and shut it, but before I touched the handle to my door, he had it open with a handout for me. I took it so he could help me get out of his car. I didn't expect the hug he gave me. He wasn't big on outward affection like his brother. So, this was unexpected. He wrapped his arms around me so tightly I didn't think he would ever let go. He even had his head resting on top of mine. At first, hugging him back was weird, but it was comforting. I started feeling like I had some control back as he held me.
"If you change your mind and want to tell me… please tell me, I will never judge you, and I will always be here for you when you need something, so if you need anything at all, please call me," Joel said quietly.
"Oh… Okay…" That was all I could manage to say. Today has been so emotionally draining; I haven't had a bad day like this in months. I knew the Holloways considered me a part of their family. I don't know what it is about today that is making it hard for me to accept that. I will chalk it up to some weird grief thing. All of a sudden, Joel stiffened as he held me, "What? What is it?" I asked, feeling uneasy. Did he sense the same thing I did earlier at the restaurant?
"Your scent... You smell like a... What the fuck..." Joel gave me a funny look. He looked at me like I was some weird thing he had never seen before. I broke the hug and slowly backed away from him, feeling very self-conscious. Was it because I smelled? What did I smell like that made him act like this?
"I am sorry... I probably smell bad from work..." I began to sniff myself. I didn't think I smelled that bad, so I didn't expect Joel to react like that. I started backing away more and heading towards the house. I noticed Jess in the doorway. When we locked eyes, she must have seen the look on my face. Concern filled hers as she said,
"Everything okay, Danni?"
"Yeah… just a strange day…" I told her, unsure of what was going on with me. Seeing Chad today definitely messed with me.
I headed on inside past Jess and away from Joel. I plop down on the couch. Rory and Ryan tackled me on the couch as they gave me big hugs. They were some of the sweetest kids Jess babysat for. The Robins were a kind couple, and when Jess started watching the twins in high school, they never minded when I joined. They even tried to pay me a couple of times while I helped Jess. I never took the money, nor would I ever. I hoped they still wouldn't mind if I were here. It has been about a year since I was last here while she babysat.
The twins were telling me all about school and what they have been up to since I was last over. They even told me they were sorry about my dad but were glad I could finally stop by. I wonder who told them? They probably bugged Jess to have me come over with her, so Jess probably told them to talk to their parents about it. They hadn't experienced death before, and for young kids, it was hard for them to understand. It was good hearing what they've been doing; it was a nice distraction. Rory loves school and learning, and Ryan loves sports. It took Jess a few minutes to come in after I did. She gave me a little nod, and I excused myself from the twins. Once out of earshot of the kids,
Jess leaned in and said, "Joel doesn't know about the bet?"
"No, I don't know if I want him to either," I told her.
"Why? It has been what? Three, almost four years?" she asked.
"I don't really know. Joel and Jordan are like big brothers to me, and I don't want them disappointed in my poor choices," I admitted, my fear of their potential rejection palpable. I was afraid they would turn away from me like everyone else, except Jess.
"Don't you think it would be better for them to hear it from you personally? If Chad is hanging out in the VIP, he is going to gossip and try to make you uncomfortable or something worse for amusement, like before," Jess stated, and honestly, she was right, as much as I hated to admit.
"Ugh... You are right. I will text both of them in a little bit to see if we can meet up. I need a minute to breathe after the day I have had." I told her I felt defeated because I had to reveal my greatest shame to two of the most important people in my life.