I'm in a waiting room.
Normally, this is nothing special. Emphasis on "normally".
You are familiar with the concept of a waiting room, right? It's a place where you stay while waiting for something, yk, like seeing a doctor, or waiting to see why's HR calling you, or the inevitable decay of your sanity.
Now, you may be curious: 'Why me being in a waiting room is worthy of such an inner monologue?'
You see my imaginary friend, I do not know how I got here. And I don't mean that in a "oh, god! What am I doing with my life?! This is not me! I'm better than this!" sorta way, but "holy bananas, how in the ever-loving fuck did I get here".
Okay, I admit that was not enough information to understand what's happening here.
So allow me to have a flashback to a few minutes ago:
I was in my room. Somewhen after 2 a.m.
The only source of light being the phone in my hand.
I was lying on the bed, blasting Love in a Bottle from my phone.
"Love in a bottle, love in a bottle, don't need love when it comes in a bottle.
Strut when you're bluffing, double or nothing."
'God, Kith David is such a good singer.'
'Let's see what fanfics this wretched site has in store for me.' I lampoon as I enter the URL for webnovel.cum
Yep, as I expected, all harem bullshit. Don't get me wrong, it was fun the first billion times, but I mean, come on, what's the point anymore? Are you fucking allergic to monogamy?
And in my hubris, I added:
"I swear I won't have a harem if I ever get isekaied."
After those words left my mouth, my phone without any rhyme or reason opened a chat with someone named... My Magical Sugar Daddy.
Logically, I dismissed it as a bug, this was an old phone after all. I tried to exit Discord, I couldn't. When I finally decided to reboot the phone, a message came.
"[DEAL]"
After I read the message a sudden blinding light hits my eyes. After I adjusted to the illuminance, I found myself in a waiting room.
A waiting room. I will say it one more time for good measure, A FUCKING WAITING ROOM!
Without even trying to understand what's happening, I hurriedly locate the exit door, try to open it, and fail. I try to break it, I fail.
I kick the door one last time. But alas, my noodly legs fail me.
"Fuck. God fuckin' fuck it!"
I did the next logical thing, which was asking for help.
I try to scream, but no voice leaves my mouth.
Only then did I notice the state of my body.
I wasn't breathing at all. My heart was beating as if it wanted to escape from my ribcage and escape here by itself.
Deep breath. Take a deep breath mat, panicking won't fix anything.
Inhale one. Exhale– not working. My heart is still like a jet engine. Fuck. It's Okay. Let's try again.
Inhale two. Feel the fabric of your clothes, the weight of your earrings. Exhale.
Inhale three. My heart rate slows down, the color comes back to my vision -- shit, I didn't even notice this one. Exhale.
Inhale four. Exhale.
"It's okay, it will be okay. Keep a cool head Matthew. Keep a cool head. Panicking won't fix anything. "
After calming myself, I look for another exit, and to my astonishment, a chair and a desk with a single sheet of paper on it have appeared in the middle of this very room.
'That... that wasn't there before.'
After a bit of hesitation, I decided to check it.
And here I am. The flashback ends.
Hmm. These are wooden, white oak or... maple? I don't know and don't care.
I try to sit on the chair, but it's far too uncomfortable.
'I think I'll stand.'
As for the paper, oh the paper, you wouldn't believe what's written on it!
[Congratulations dear transmigrator, you have been chosen by our lord and savior, #### 'Themselves' to get what you had wished for!]
Oh, the audacity to say such things when kidnapping me.
[You are a dreamer type, aren't you? Fantasizing about being in fictional worlds? Having superpowers? I mean come on, the last thing you were doing was looking for a self-insert fic to read. Not to mention the ones you yourself had written. Plus, your life basically is the template for any wish-fulfillment self-insert fanfic, you don't have any family, friends, people who care about you, money, power, choice, have I mentioned family? All and all, you don't have anything to lose by leaving for a better world. And now you have a second chance. Aren't you happy?]
"Did you just fucking admit that I don't get a say in this?!"
I blurt out my frustration into the void, but to my surprise, another paragraph appeared in response.
[what? No, you most definitely can choose.
I mean look at these, you've got so many choices! Isn't that wonderful? Well, what are you waiting for? Go on, choose one option.]
[Option 1: Stay here.
Option 2: Be the MC of the last fanfic you wrote.
Option 3: die (slowly).
Option 4: die (painfully).
Option 5: options 3 and 4.
Option 6: Go to hell.
Option 7: reincarnated without any of your memories.
Option 8: kys]
Damn, such a benevolent patron that I've got.
This is so absurd I don't even know how to react.
....
How long have I been staring at this sheet of paper? 20 minutes maybe?
Which one should I choose?
The first option? I've been doing that so far, and it ain't fun. Plus I'm getting hungry, will 'They' give me food, or am I gonna starve?
Options 3 to 9 are all just dying, well, option 6 isn't exactly that, but I don't need to explain why eternal damnation is an undesirable outcome.
Or is it? I don't have any information about hell, is it gonna be 'da Hell' from 'da Bible'? Doesn't matter, I'm not gonna gamble my life for a 'maybe it's not that bad.'
So that only leaves my last fic.
It was a self-insert as the older sister of the pine twins.
We all 3 get pathways of a GOO (from lotm).
That's not bad, is it?
The world's a crossover of Gravity Falls, The Owl House, Amphibia, and Star vs the Forces of Evil.
Didn't I also add a part where I had to go to other worlds?
The fuck was I smoking when writing that?
Okay, but in my defense, I really wanted my oc to fuck with Vox and that was the best way I could have done that-- well not really, but cut me some slack.
The world is chaotic, dangerous. I hadn't fleshed out the timeline that much -- only wrote it for 27 chapters -- so I don't know how different factions will interact with each other.
And most importantly, I'll lose my dick.
Hell or not having a dick? Hmmmmmm~~~~
Yeah, that's not a question.
It's not the best thing possible, but it's also kinda the best thing possible for my current situation.
Hey, at least it's not a hurt / angest / no comfort story. Also, I get superpowers.
"Also, Fang Yuan would have done the same in my situation; so I'm cool," I say trying my best to cope.
But before I make the choice, let me just...
"BREAK THE DARN DOOR WITH THIS CHAIR!"
**crack**
"..."
Of course the chair breaks. And I'm not even that strong, the chair was just that weak.
"Oi! I choose the second option!"
"..." No answer came.
"Should I like... write it or something? But there is no pen." I muttered, then tried to bite my finger to sign the paper with my blood.
[Nah no need bro, I heard you.]
At the instant after I read that message, everything went blank.