The Thousand Sunny, 6:47 a.m.
Sea King steak scent drifted through the corridors like heavenly bacon.
Luffy's stomach detonated him out of the hammock so hard he ricocheted off three walls, punched a hole through the ceiling, and landed face-first in the kitchen exactly on the beat of "MEAT!"
He sat up rubbing his head, completely unharmed, eyes sparkling.
"Sanji! Meat! Gimme gimme gimme!"
Sanji spun around from the stove, hips swaying like a metronome set to "earthquake."
The black suit had become a sleeveless, zipper-down-to-navel crop jacket and the tightest pencil skirt known to science. Blond hair bounced in perfect waves. Cigarette still in mouth, now strawberry-flavored.
"Melloooo~♡ Breakfast is served, my big strong sexy captain♥"
He—she?—bent forward to place a mountain of meat in front of Luffy. The motion caused a nuclear-level boob drop that slammed the table and sent plates flying.
Luffy didn't even blink.
"Wooow Sanji you made extra today! You're the best!"
He started inhaling meat at the speed of sound, cheeks puffed out like a happy chipmunk.
Sanji leaned over the table, cleavage forming a canyon deep enough to lose a battleship in.
"Luffy-kun~♡ Do you like the new apron? I sewed little rubber duckies on it because they remind me of you♡"
Luffy, mouth full: "Mmph! Cool ducks! More meat!"
Nami sauntered in wearing literally three triangles of orange cloth and a smile.
Her hair had gained +500% volume overnight and shimmered like a tangerine commercial shot in heaven. Every step produced a sound effect that can only be written as boing-boing-boing-boing.
"Morning, Captain~~♡"
She slid into the bench right next to Luffy, pressing the entire left side of her body against his arm. The temperature in the room rose eight degrees.
Luffy kept chewing. "Morning Nami! We almost at Fishman Island yet?"
Nami twirled a lock of hair around her finger and drew little hearts on the table with syrup.
"Like, totally soon, teehee♡ But first I redrew all the maps so every island has a giant heart around it and your name in glitter gel pen!"
Luffy's eyes sparkled even harder. "That's awesome! You're so good at navigating!"
He completely failed to notice that Nami's chest was now resting on the table like two overinflated weather balloons and slowly pushing all the plates toward the edge.
Robin entered next, reading a book titled "Advanced Handjobs – Literally, It's About My Devil Fruit."
Her usual coat was now a tiny bolero jacket that refused to close and a skirt that had given up on life. She sprouted six extra arms just to wave at Luffy.
"Good morning, Captain. I stayed up all night researching new ways to please you♡"
She sat down on Luffy's other side, sandwiching him between herself and Nami. The bench creaked like it was begging for mercy.
Luffy kept shoveling meat. "Morning Robin! Found any cool Poneglyphs yet?"
Robin giggled in a way that would make flowers bloom and grown men weep.
"Not yet, but I did find thirty-seven new erogenous zones on the male body~♡ Want me to demonstrate after breakfast?"
Luffy tilted his head, mouth full. "Eroji-what? Is that a kind of meat?"
Zoro kicked the door open so hard it embedded in the wall.
She had clearly just finished training—sweat glistened on skin that now looked airbrushed. The haramaki was basically a ribbon under the most ridiculous underboob in history. Three swords still strapped to hips that had achieved "traffic hazard" status.
"Captain."
She marched straight over, leaned down until her chest completely blocked Luffy's field of vision, and ruffled his hair with surprising gentleness.
"I did ten thousand swings for you this morning♥ Be proud of me."
Luffy grinned, absolutely beaming, bits of meat flying from his mouth.
"Shishishishi! That's my Zoro! You're gonna cut a Yonko in half one day!"
Zoro's entire face turned red. She started wiggling in place like an excited puppy.
"Ehehehe~ Captain praised me♥ I'm so happy I could die♥"
Her boobs knocked over three chairs just from the happy wiggle.
Franky SUPER posed in the doorway, wearing nothing but a metallic bikini made from recycled Marine battleship plating and a pink feather boa.
"SUUUUUUUUUPERRRRR MORNING, SUPER CAPTAIN♡♡♡♡♡"
She cartwheeled across the room—somehow without causing structural damage—and landed straddling the bench behind Luffy, pressing her cola-powered chest against his back.
"Feel my new SUPER cushioned hug tanks! They run on love and cola!"
Luffy laughed like a kid on Christmas. "Wahaha! Franky you're so warm! Did you upgrade the Sunny's heating too?"
Franky squealed and nearly passed out from joy.
Chopper toddled in wearing a tiny sailor outfit that was 90% ribbons and 10% skirt. The hat now had heart antennae.
"Luffy-tan~~♡ I made a new medicine that makes your muscles grow really big and strong! I tested it on my boobs instead by accident♡"
She jumped into Luffy's lap and nuzzled his chest. The impact caused a small tsunami in Sanji's soup pot.
Luffy patted her head happily. "You're the best doctor ever, Chopper! I don't smell like cotton candy today, that's weird!"
Chopper's eyes became literal heart shapes. "That's because I switched to strawberry body spray so I smell like you when you eat meat♡"
Brook burst in playing a guitar riff that somehow sounded like moaning.
Still a skeleton, but now wearing a massive pink heart afro wig, glittery star pasties, and thigh-high fishnet stockings on bone legs.
"Yohohoho~ Captain-san! I wrote a new song! It's called 'I Wanna Be Inside You (Your Heart, Because I Have No Organs)♡' Want to hear it?"
Luffy clapped his hands. "Yeah yeah yeah! Play it play it!"
Brook started strumming. The lyrics were so lewd that even the seagulls outside covered their young's ears.
Usopp pranced in wearing a sling bikini made of her own bandages and pigtails so long they dragged on the floor.
"Captain! Great news! I invented a new star that makes girls fall madly in love with you! I call it Usopp's Love-Love Supernova♡ I already fired twelve of them at myself to test!"
She jumped onto the table and started doing a little dance that caused every plate to migrate toward the edge via pure jiggle physics.
Luffy just laughed harder. "Usopp you're so cool! You should shoot those at the Marines so they stop chasing us!"
The entire crew was now surrounding Luffy in a perfect circle of sparkling eyes, heaving chests, and maximum thirst.
Nami fed him a piece of meat from her fingers.
Robin traced circles on his back with twenty sprouted hands.
Zoro rested her chin on his head, using her own boobs as a pillow for him.
Sanji kept refilling his plate while blowing kisses.
Franky gave him a back massage with vibrating cola engines.
Chopper sat in his lap purring.
Brook played the panty-drop remix.
Usopp drew hearts in the air with pop-green sparkles.
And Luffy?
Luffy sat in the middle of the softest, warmest, jiggliest pile in the world, grinning like the happiest idiot alive.
"Shishishishi! You guys are the best crew ever! Today's gonna be so much fun!"
Nami licked his cheek. "We'll follow you anywhere, Captain♡"
Robin whispered in his ear with bedroom voice. "Even to the ends of the earth… or the bedroom~♡"
Zoro flexed possessively. "Anyone who tries to take you dies."
Sanji swooned. "I'll cook for you until my legs give out♡"
Franky revved her engines. "SUPER love power at 300%!"
Chopper nuzzled. "Be my daddy— I mean doctor patient forever!"
Brook skull-joked. "I'd give you my bones if I could!"
Usopp posed. "Eight thousand women already love you because of my stars!"
Luffy just laughed louder, completely oblivious.
"This is the best morning ever! Who wants to go punch a Sea King after breakfast?!"
The entire bimbo crew screamed in unison, voices overlapping into a chorus of pure chaotic love:
"""""""""YES CAPTAIN♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥"""""""""
Outside the window, the Sunny's figurehead goat suddenly grew eyelashes, blushed, and bleated "Luffy-senpai~~♡"
Somewhere in the New World, Jinbe felt a disturbance in the force and decided to stay at Fishman Island a little longer.
To be continued…
Next time: "The Crew Tries to Give Luffy a Bath and the Sunny Almost Sinks From Nosebleed Alone"