My name is Rayan Frost—a frivolous student in his early 20s. Apparently, I'm studying at a college in Japan. I live in an apartment not too far from my college. My place is shabby. You all will think that it's a bird's nest. No!! I guess a bird's nest is tidier than mine. A single room, thank god the toilet is private. My kettle stinks; I don't know when I last washed it. I don't even remember the last time I washed myself up. There's a window in my room. I see many faces everyday, but the one that disgusts me the most is the reflection that I see when it gets dark.
During the day, I see people enjoying their lives and their work. Someone is enjoying their duty as a guard, while the other one is preparing for their first interview, visiting temples, etc. Students of my age bunking classes and running off to cafes and playgrounds with their friends, making new memories.
Alas, when was the last time I made a memory? The only thing I remember was the time in my middle and high school.
Those were the only memories left with me because I failed to make new memories. Every day is the same day.
The only interesting thing that happens to me is the time when I binge watch web series and movies. A small amount of it makes me happy, and the other amount makes me sad. It gives me regret for giving away my chances and opportunities.
The life that they portrayed in these films wasn't the life that I got. Instead, here I am lying around and doing absolutely nothing.
Time goes by faster these days. I am growing a beard,my hair and nails are growing long. Yesterday I spotted 4-5 white hairs sticking out long, shining in the sunlight, poking my eyes with my receding hairline.
I AM GROWING OLD. I can't deny that. My friends are of the same age, but I don't see any similarities among us. I don't know if it's the character or attire, but they seem stranger to me. Whenever I am sick, sneezing my shit out, burning like hell, the only people who took care of me were my friends.
They were the ones who showed me to a doctor. I owe them favours more than I can count. Still, I can't make eye contact or hold a friendly conversation. I don't want to take them for granted. Even though I want to make friends, some are nothing but pestering mosquitoes who drain your blood until you dry your brain juices out, so usually I avoid it.
When was it? Right! I was in middle school. I had a horrible experience back then.
My parents worry about me too. Living far away in an unknown city makes them more anxious about me. Although we contact each other every day and exchange words, there's never a proper conversation between us. No feelings shared, problems untold. I thought these things would make them a little comfortable, but I was wrong.
My mother is the closest to me. She had known me from my first rise to my present fall. She knows how I behave and how I react. A few days ago, I was in a fight with a random guy from my class. I would not even give him the honour to be called a classmate.
Since it was a one-sided argument, I wanted to leave as soon as possible, but he never gave me an opening. He was angry about my behaviour or something like that. I just stood there like a god and listened to all his tantrums. After he finished, I uttered a single sentence:
"Ok! I don't care"
And left the place.
Like my daily routine, I exchanged words with my mother. After a few give-and-takes, she asked me
"Did anything happen? You can tell me you know if something is bothering you."
I was surprised. I thought my mother was a born psychic. Like she knew what was on my mind. But it was obvious because I was extra cold that day. I didn't want her to discover that i am doing ok so I lied.
"Hm!? Nothing! It's nothing!"
I have been living like this for a long time.Also, she is my mother so she saw through my lie and replied at the end:
"Don't give up! Always give your best!"
These words, after listening to it I didn't get emotional. I didn't hype up. Because I have already given up. I lost interest in everything. I was once a top student in my entire school. Best in sports. Best in studies.
But now I don't give a damn about being first nor about keeping myself fit. I don't even goof around like others who don't do both. My ability to feel is also disappearing. Turning myself into a person without a heart. I feel like I am waiting for something or it's just another illusion of mine to see hope.
Leaving all the negativity aside I decided to change myself. A friend of mine always talked to me about my studies and all. Unlike me, he was in his native town. Not having a proper financial condition was affecting his studies.
Despite that he continued to do hard work and got better marks in the competitive exams. Not only this but also he applied for various scholarships and he got accepted which were an assurance to his future studies.
After listening to this, I decided to do hard work. I planned my study schedule and actively followed it. As I was able to solve problems, I got interested in studying. I was enjoying it. I started to realise that this was the spark that I needed.
The following month's end was my exam. I was a bit nervous at first, but recollecting my memories of my hardships, I gave my exams confidently. I knew I started late, but still I gave my all. The whole 2 month's consistency of hard work, I believed it would bear a sweet fruit for me.
After a week , the results came out . The fruit of my effort was neither sweet nor sour. I got the same marks as before.
I was disappointed, but I never left hope because I know it will take time. I knew to achieve something big ,small steps are to be taken. I know it will take time, until I see the results of my classmate who was sick for almost a whole month.
I lost all the remaining hope. I was shocked to see the score which was 3 times better than mine. Despite that I tried several times and the results were the same.
Unfortunately I lost interest. I would sound lame that this is my excuse to give up but it is what it is! I lost my sense of perception. I have lost all my reasons. My identity is fading.
And that's why I am how I am. A miserable man wandering on planet earth just to eat and live. The difference between a corpse and me is that they don't eat and I do.
I am not waiting for a miracle. I am waiting for a spark that would enlighten me to who I am, that spark wouldn't be less than a miracle.