The scorching sun. A crowd. The clamor.
In the midst of a dark sea of people, five-year-old me, perched on my mother's frail shoulders, stared at the empty clearing cordoned off by police tape.
The roar of engines broke out, and the noisy crowd instantly fell silent.
Under my gaze, a man wearing a black hood was dragged off a truck by two uncles in army-green coats.
A gunshot rang out like a thunderclap, making me shudder violently. I clung tightly to my mother, who was trembling incessantly and weeping in silence.
Afterward, the crowd began to disperse. Under everyone's gaze, my mother carried five-year-old me and walked slowly toward the man lying on the ground.
It was the early autumn of 1983. The man executed was my biological big brother.
He was also the most notorious "Jianghu Big Brother" (underworld boss) in this small southwestern town.
When the "Strike Hard" campaign of '83 arrived, it took only fifteen days from his arrest to his execution.
My name is Chu Shanhe, born in the summer of 1978. As I write this, nearly thirty years have passed since the summer of 1995.
The first underworld boss I followed was named Chen Qiang. He is now in Shancheng Prison No. 2, serving a suspended death sentence.
I sent him there with my own hands.
He once jokingly told me: "Chu Shanhe, a kid like you isn't cut out for hacking people with knives. You should be writing and drawing, maybe become a schoolteacher."
At the time, I just gave a casual smile and didn't answer.
Actually, if I had a choice, wouldn't I have wanted to write and draw, to live out this life in peace?
But everything is determined by Heaven, not in the slightest by man. I have always been pushed forward by a destiny arranged by the heavens, never once able to master my own fate.
I write these things solely hoping that you friends will take me as a warning and not go astray.
When the day comes that you have means to spare but forget to pull back your hand, and turn to see no road left before your eyes, it will be too late for everything.
Remember this. Remember this well.
Below is my story.
First, my mother was a woman of bitter fate because she married my father. Second, my father was a thorough scoundrel.
He abandoned my brother, who was not yet sixteen, and me, a one-year-old, to run off with some wild woman.
My mother endured every hardship to raise my brother and me. Forced by the pressures of life, my brother walked a path that led to the chopping block.
After my brother was gone, my mother placed special emphasis on my education, terrified that I would end up like him, touching things I shouldn't touch.
Fortunately, although we were blood brothers, we were completely different.
Compared to my ferocious brother, I appeared harmless to humans and animals alike. I didn't like running around; because I often read books under the covers with a flashlight, I started wearing glasses early on.
An old gentleman in town said I was born to be a scholar and would surely become a high-ranking official.
Unfortunately, things went contrary to wishes. The turning point for all of this happened in the summer of 1995.
That year I had just turned seventeen, a sophomore in high school. Having finished my summer homework early, I was holding a large porcelain bowl, shoveling down rice mixed with oily chili paste.
While eating, I was flipping through a few pages of a Wuxia novel.
The noon sun was vicious. Sweat dripped onto the pages, but I didn't notice a thing.
I was completely immersed in the novel, becoming that hero with a sword, seeking justice and revenge.
Just as I was deeply entranced, a slap landed on my forehead, jolting me awake.
I was about to flare up, but when I looked up, I saw a foul face covered in pockmarks, missing three teeth.
The moment I saw this face, my heart sank.
This man was named Chen Xiang. In our Liuxiang Town, he was the lowest of the low.
Apart from petty theft, he liked to extort small change from the students at the town middle school.
Many students lived on campus and dared not speak out in anger. There were also some delinquents in the school who acted as his lackeys, helping him play the tyrant.
A man pushing forty who hadn't made anything of himself—he was the negative example all parents in Liuxiang Town used to lecture their children.
Chen Xiang bullied many students, but I was the one most afraid of him.
The reason was that those three missing teeth in his mouth had been kicked out by my brother.
Ever since he got out of "university" a few years ago, he would come looking for me from time to time to vent his anger over his lost teeth.
Around here, we call sitting in a jail cell "going to university."
Usually, he would just kick me a few times or slap me when he saw me going to or from school.
But today, Chen Xiang had been drinking and actually marched right into my home.
I closed the novel in my hands and stood up, bracing myself. "Chen Xiang, what do you want?"
Chen Xiang swayed with every step, laughing like a fool. The stench of halitosis, alcohol, and stale tobacco coming from his mouth made me stumble back several steps.
"Damn it, you little prick, do I need your permission for what I want to do?"
As he spoke, Chen Xiang gave me two tight slaps.
My face turned bright red, though I didn't know if it was from anger or the blow.
But I still didn't dare to fight back. I was only seventeen, just a student. Between me and the heroes in Wuxia novels, there was always that paper-thin barrier.
I wasn't a sword-wielding hero. My mother's education, using my brother as a cautionary tale, had resulted in my weak character.
Chen Xiang laughed triumphantly. While slapping me continuously, he went on, "Chu Jianghai, that big mongrel, is gone, so I can only take it out on you, this little mongrel."
Chu Jianghai was my brother's name. When he was around, he dealt with this trash plenty of times.
Just as my head hung lower and lower, a cough sounded from the side.
"Chen Xiang, I'll fuck your family's old mother. You bastard, do you have fuck-all to do all day, running around bullying a kid?"
A large bald head appeared over my courtyard wall, staring impatiently at me and Chen Xiang.
This was Chen Qiang, my neighbor, a figure who mixed on the streets of Liuxiang Town.
He had quite a few underlings, and I'd seen him with his arm around the local cops more than once, calling them brothers.
Chen Xiang was obviously terrified of Chen Qiang. Seeing Chen Qiang speak, he immediately bowed and scraped.
"Oh, Brother Qiang! I'm not bullying a kid. Look at this gutless thing; he doesn't have a shred of the backbone of us Liuxiang people."
"By the way, my big brother says he hasn't seen you in a long time and wants to invite you to town for a drink when you're free."
Chen Qiang frowned and glanced at me. He seemed to think of the "big brother" Chen Xiang mentioned, finally just gave a cold snort, and didn't interfere further.
I knew that people who mixed on the streets like Chen Qiang looked down on waste like me who didn't dare fight back when hit.
If I had a bit of fire in my blood and dared to fight back, being neighbors, he absolutely wouldn't have watched me get beaten.
Seeing Chen Qiang say nothing more, Chen Xiang immediately wiped the smile off his face and spoke viciously to me.
"Little mongrel, let's see who can save you today."
Saying this, Chen Xiang raised his hand to strike again.
I stood numbly on the spot; I didn't even dare to dodge. The sound of the slap was crisp.
I thought that if I just endured a bit longer, this would pass.
I don't know how many more slaps I took before the courtyard gate was pushed open with a bang.
My mother, back from selling vegetables in town, was clearly enraged by the scene before her.
With a scream, she threw down her shoulder pole and baskets and lunged at Chen Xiang, raising her hands to leave several bloody scratches on his foul face.
"Chen Xiang, you goddamn murderer! You only know how to bully us orphans and widows..."
My mother clawed and hit him as she spoke.
But she was, after all, just a slight, aging woman.
Once Chen Xiang reacted, he shoved her to the ground with one push.
The scratches on his face only incited Chen Xiang's viciousness. After my mother fell, not only did he not stop, but he kicked her right in the stomach.
My mother's wail crashed through my mind like a thunderclap.
I felt my breathing go rapid, a chill shooting from the soles of my feet straight to the top of my skull. The scene before me began to blur.
My fingers trembled, and the bowl fell to the ground, shattering into pieces.
I bent down and picked up the largest shard. A layer of blood-red mist seemed to cover my eyes.
"Chen Xiang, I fuck your mother! You bastard, hitting me is one thing, but you dare hit my old mother? I want you dead today!"