(Jasper)
I stare out the window at the pool where Hudson is swimming with a few of his school friends. He keeps glancing toward the house with a worried look, and I know he is waiting for me. I just cannot bring myself to go out there.
His friends are so outgoing and confident, everything I am not. Why would he want me as his best friend when he could have someone like Conner or Derek?
Brittany wraps her arms around his neck, squealing when he unhooks them and tosses her away. The girls all like him. That is no surprise. Hudson is attractive and only becomes more so as he gets older.
There is a smaller girl in the group named Ivy. She is almost as short as I am. She is in a pink bikini and is what most guys would probably call pretty. I think.
My stomach twists as unwanted thoughts push their way into my mind.
Find her attractive. Do it.
I try to force my body to react, but nothing happens.
As if fate wants to punish me, Hudson climbs out of the pool to get a drink. He shakes out his hair, and water runs down his chest to his red swimming trunks. My cheeks grow hot. He laughs at something Brittany says, and suddenly my throat feels tight. Heat spreads across my skin until I am digging my fingernails into my palms.
This is wrong. Completely wrong.
It is wrong to be attracted to someone who trusts that I am only his best friend.
It is a sin. At least that is what Dad always said. He insisted it was a choice. I keep choosing no and praying for it to go away, but it is not working. Nothing is working. Trying to fight these thoughts is draining all of my strength, tearing at me until I cannot even tell who I am anymore.
How can loving someone send you to hell?
"Are you going out to swim?"
Mrs. Rutherford's voice makes me jump. She studies me with concern.
"I do not know. I do not fit in with his friends."
She smiles kindly.
"You know you are the most important friend Hudson has. He loves having you here."
"Maybe, but the rest of his friends do not. I am just a tiny little geek to them."
"They only need time to know you, Jasper. You are special, and they will see it if you give them a chance."
They will not see the real me.
They will only see someone beneath them. Someone messed up and poor with worn-out clothes. Someone who barely speaks around them. They will not see how much I am breaking inside. A tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away quickly.
"Jasper," she says softly. "We love you. I hope you know that."
They will not love me once they find out how I feel about their son. I force the feelings deep inside and try not to see Hudson that way. I cannot betray him. I will not.
"Why do you not help me bake cookies with the girls for a while?"
I want to run and disappear. I want to be alone. But home is worse. Mom is having an affair, and I spend every day trying to avoid getting hit. I cannot go back there. I do not even consider it my home.
My home is Hudson.
"Jasper?"
Pay attention. Stop zoning out.
"Sure, Mrs. Rutherford. I would like that."
She hugs me.
"You can call me Emily, or even Mom. You are part of this family, and Mrs. Rutherford is too formal."
Do not cry. Please do not cry.
I hug her back and follow her into the kitchen. Meg and Anna are like little sisters to me. They have grown so much since I first met them. Meg is even as tall as I am now, which is embarrassing since she is only nine.
While I help Anna place dough on cookie sheets, Hudson walks in from the patio door looking for me.
"Hey bud, are you coming out to swim?" He puts his arm around my shoulder, and his touch sends shivers through me.
Stop it.
I shrug his arm off. His face falls, and guilt hits me hard.
"You are getting me wet," I say, even though that is not the real reason.
He grins and pulls me into a hug, spinning me around.
"Hudson, leave the poor kid alone. You are soaked and dripping on the floor," his mom scolds.
Hudson sets me down but smirks at my wet shirt.
"Come out and swim with us."
"I do not feel like swimming right now."
He frowns.
"Are you sure you are okay?" He presses a hand to my forehead to check.
I lean into his touch before I can stop myself.
"I am just tired. Swimming takes a lot out of me."
His hand slides down to cup my cheek, his eyes softening.
"Do you want me to stay inside with you? I can sit with you while you nap."
How could anyone not fall in love with him? He is the sweetest person I have ever known.
"No. I do not want you to leave your friends. I will stay with your mom for a while."
"Alright," he says, though he sounds reluctant. "I will check on you later."
He kisses my forehead and walks out again.
The empty feeling hits me the moment he is gone.
His mom gives me an understanding look and puts her arm around my shoulders.
"How about a spoonful of cookie dough?"
"I am not hungry, but thank you."
"Can I have his?" Meg is already grabbing a spoon.
"No fair," Anna cries, rushing to get one too.
We finish baking cookies in about an hour, and then Hudson's friends pour into the kitchen for snacks. I hear Derek mutter something about Hudson's stalker being here. My chest tightens with panic. Thank God Hudson is upstairs changing and did not hear it. The embarrassment is unbearable. They think I am obsessed with him, like I cannot leave him alone. They have no idea how hard it is just to exist in my own skin these days.
I cannot face them. I cannot face anyone.
I leave my phone and backpack in Hudson's room and slip out the patio door, heading down the path to the tree house. It is the only place that feels like mine.
I curl up in a sleeping bag and cry until I fall asleep.
"Jasper, are you in there?"
Hudson's voice snaps my eyes open just before he rushes through the doorway and drops down in front of me.
"Are you okay? Have you been crying?"
I shrug and whisper, "I'm fine."
"You scared me," he says. "I came down and you were gone. You didn't even take your phone. Why did you leave?"
I shrug again. His eyes narrow, and before I can react, he pulls me out of the sleeping bag and settles me in his lap.
"Talk to me, Jasper. Why were you crying? Did something happen?"
My voice shakes. "Do you think I'm a stalker? Like you can't get rid of me and I just follow you everywhere?"
A tear slips down my cheek, and I hate myself for saying it out loud.