Elise von Hartmann dragged me through the plaza like I was a suspicious pastry.
Her grip around my wrist was firm, official, and somehow worse than if it had been rough. Rough would've at least made sense. This was the grip of someone trying very hard not to notice that she was holding a stranger's skin and losing a tiny, private war in her own head.
"Walk normally," she said.
"I am walking normally," I squeaked, which immediately proved I was not walking normally.
Her eyes flicked forward, jaw set. "You are holding Number Sixty-Nine. People will interpret that as an invitation."
"It's a wooden tag!"
"In Lustra," she said, like she was explaining gravity to a child, "anything can be an invitation."
We passed a fountain where couples tossed coins while whispering into each other's ears. The water sparkled. The air smelled like perfume and sugar and sabotage. A street performer played a flute that sounded suspiciously like it had been composed to make people lean closer.
A woman selling fruit winked at me.
I didn't even look at the fruit. I just looked away like a man dodging sniper fire.
The blue system window popped up in the corner of my vision, cheerful as a knife.
NOTICE: PUBLIC FLIRT ZONE
WARNING: EROS MANA HIGH
TIP: DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH WINKERS
Elise marched faster.
The Licensing Office sat in the center of the plaza, a grand stone building with tall pillars and a banner that read:
FLIRT RESPONSIBLY
WE HAVE FORMS
Inside, it was… worse.
Imagine the most crowded government building you've ever seen. Now imagine everyone is dressed like they're going to a fantasy ball, and the air itself feels like it's trying to undress your thoughts.
There were velvet ropes. There were counters. There were benches.
Every bench was full of people either giggling, arguing, blushing, or fanning themselves like flirting was a heatwave.
A sign on the wall read:
WAIT TIMES MAY VARY DEPENDING ON CHEMISTRY
Another sign read:
NO SEDUCTION IN THE QUEUE
THIS MEANS YOU, SIR
Elise pulled me into line and shoved my wooden number tag into my hand like she was handling evidence.
"Do not," she said, low and furious, "do anything stupid."
"I don't even know what stupid is in this world."
Her eyes snapped to mine, and for half a second she looked genuinely offended that my face existed. Then she looked away again, cheeks faintly pink.
"That," she muttered, "already counts as something."
I swallowed. "What counts as something."
"Your expression," she said. "You look… very…" She stopped as if the word had teeth.
"Very what?"
She exhaled through her nose like a prayer. "Teasable."
The system chimed like it was clapping.
STATUS CONFIRMED: EXTREMELY TEASABLE
I hated it here.
The line moved in tiny increments. Every time it did, Elise's gauntlet brushed my sleeve. Every brush sent a ridiculous spark through my nerves, like my body had decided physical contact was a spiritual event.
I tried to focus on anything else.
I looked at the forms on the wall.
Form A: Basic Identification
Form B: Flirting License Application
Form C: Consent Compatibility Questionnaire
Form D: Teasing Liability Waiver
Teasing liability waiver.
I glanced at Elise. "Why is there a teasing waiver."
"Because people sue," she said.
"For teasing."
"For excessive teasing," she corrected, like that was reasonable. "Some residents have high Eros output. Accidents happen."
I opened my mouth to ask what kind of accident counted as excessive teasing, but then we reached the front counter.
The clerk looked up.
She was beautiful in the way a trap is beautiful.
Dark hair in a sleek bun, red lipstick, sharp eyeliner, and a blouse that somehow managed to be modest while also making my brain forget language. She wore a little badge that read:
YUKI TANAKA
SENIOR LICENSING SPECIALIST
Yuki's eyes swept over Elise first, then me, then down to my number tag.
Her smile was slow, professional, and absolutely not innocent.
"Oh," she said. "Number Sixty-Nine."
Elise straightened like she was being inspected. "It was assigned."
"Of course," Yuki said. "We don't judge here."
Her tone suggested she judged constantly, for fun.
Yuki leaned her elbows on the counter just enough to make every man within fifteen meters lose a year of his life. Her gaze returned to me.
"Name?"
"Ren," I said.
"Full name?"
"Ren Varga."
Yuki's pen paused. "Foreign."
"I'm… newly relocated."
Her smile deepened. "How exciting."
Elise cleared her throat like she was trying to kill the sound in her own body. "He is unlicensed and newly arrived. He requires immediate registration."
Yuki glanced at Elise, then at me again, like she could see the exact shape of Elise's internal panic.
"And you," Yuki said to Elise sweetly, "are escorting him?"
Elise's jaw tightened. "Yes. For public safety."
"For public safety," Yuki echoed, amused. "Of course."
Yuki slid a stack of papers toward me.
"All right, Ren. Fill these out."
I looked down.
The first page was normal enough.
Name. Age. Residency. Magical Affinity.
The second page made me choke on air.
Preferred Compliment Style:
1. Gentle
2. Bold
3. Aggressively Specific
Teasing Tolerance:
Low / Medium / High / Catastrophic
Flirting Weaknesses:
Select all that apply:
Soft voices, Praise, Dominance, Shy confession, Accidental intimacy, Direct proposals, Slow eye contact, Someone saying your name like it matters
I stared at the last one for too long.
Elise leaned in, reading over my shoulder.
Her face went scarlet so fast I thought it might be a spell.
"Why," she hissed, "is there an option called catastrophic."
Yuki smiled brightly. "Because it's accurate for some clients."
Elise snapped, "He is not catastrophic."
Yuki looked at me.
I looked at Elise.
I looked back at Yuki.
The system window popped up again, delighted.
NEW EVENT: BEING ASSESSED
TIP: DO NOT ADMIT ANYTHING
WARNING: YOUR BLUSHING IS VISIBLE
I tried to hold the papers steady, but my hands were sweating like they were trying to melt through the ink.
Yuki tapped the next page.
Consent Ritual Familiarity:
Have you used a Consent Candle before?
Yes / No / Not Yet But I Have Thoughts
I rubbed my face.
Elise's voice dropped to a whisper, furious and mortified. "Do not select 'I have thoughts.'"
"I don't even know what the thoughts would be!"
"Then you don't have them."
"That's not how thoughts work!"
Yuki watched our exchange like it was a free show.
"Adorable," she murmured.
Elise stiffened. "Do not call him adorable."
Yuki's eyebrows lifted. "I wasn't."
Elise froze.
I froze.
Yuki's smile widened by one millimeter, which somehow felt like a victory for evil.
"Anyway," Yuki said, tapping her pen, "there's one more step. The practical."
I blinked. "The what."
"The practical test," she said. "We need to measure your Eros Mana output and confirm you can flirt safely inside city limits."
Elise's posture screamed protest, but she swallowed it. "He is new. He will require guidance."
"Perfect," Yuki purred. "You can assist."
Elise's eyes snapped to her. "I am not—"
"You are escorting him," Yuki said smoothly. "For public safety."
Elise's mouth opened, then closed again, because apparently bureaucracy was stronger than paladin oaths.
Yuki gestured toward a side room with a velvet curtain and a sign that read:
PRACTICAL EXAM ROOM
NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY
YES, REALLY
Elise grabbed my wrist again.
My stomach did something humiliating.
We walked behind the curtain.
The room was small, softly lit, and designed to feel like a lounge. A sofa. A little table. A shelf of candles.
On the wall was a framed poster:
CONSENT IS HOT
Yuki followed us inside and shut the curtain.
"All right," she said. "Ren, light your Consent Candle."
I fumbled the pouch open, hands shaking. I took the candle out. My fingers felt clumsy, like my body knew it was being watched by two attractive women and decided to become a malfunctioning machine.
I lit it.
A warm glow expanded in a three-meter circle. The air changed. It felt… calm. Like the candle was a boundary made of light.
A gentle chime sounded, not from the system, but from the candle itself.
A voice, soft and neutral, spoke into the room like a magical announcement.
"Consent ritual initiated. All parties state consent and boundaries."
Yuki sat on the sofa with her legs crossed, completely relaxed. Elise remained standing like she was guarding the room from sin.
Yuki spoke first, easy and composed.
"I consent to a non-explicit flirting assessment for licensing purposes. Boundaries: no kissing, no touching intimate areas, and no coercion. I may tease verbally."
The candle glow remained steady.
Then it was Elise's turn.
She looked like she'd rather fight a dragon.
"I…" Elise began, then stopped, cheeks burning. She swallowed. "I consent to… supervision of the assessment. Boundaries: I will not be teased. I will not participate."
The candle flickered.
Yuki's eyes glittered. "Oh?"
Elise glared. "I am not participating."
The candle steadied again, accepting it.
Then the candle voice turned to me.
"State consent and boundaries."
My throat was dry. My heart was pounding like it was trying to escape my ribs.
"I consent to a flirting assessment," I said, voice cracking. "Boundaries: no kissing, no… anything explicit. Please don't corner me. Please don't—" I swallowed. "Please don't make it weird."
The candle glow warmed, like it approved.
Yuki clasped her hands. "Wonderful. Now, Ren, we need to see your Eros Mana response. I'm going to say a few things, and you simply respond like a normal person."
"I don't know what normal is anymore."
"Try," she said.
Yuki leaned forward slightly, eyes locked on mine.
"Ren Varga," she said, slow. Like the name meant something. Like she was tasting it.
My entire body reacted like someone had snapped a string inside me.
The system flashed:
WARNING: NAME-BASED WEAKNESS DETECTED
I made a noise that was halfway between a cough and a surrender.
Elise's hand tightened on my wrist.
Yuki smiled, satisfied. "Good. Now, compliment me."
"What."
"Compliment me," she repeated. "Simple."
I stared at her. My brain emptied. All I could think about was the fact that she was pretty and too close and Elise was right there and the candle was glowing like a judge.
"I… you have… very… professional energy," I blurted.
Yuki blinked.
Then she laughed. "Professional energy."
Elise made a strangled sound, like laughter was illegal.
Yuki tilted her head. "Try again. Something less… like a tax audit."
I swallowed. My eyes flicked to Yuki's lips. To her eyes. To the way she was looking at me like she could already imagine every shade of my embarrassment.
"You're… really beautiful," I said, and immediately wanted to crawl into the floor.
The candle glow stayed steady.
Yuki's smile softened, just a little. "Accepted."
Then, she glanced past me to Elise.
"And you," Yuki said sweetly, "how's his output?"
Elise's face was crimson. "I am not measuring his output."
"Of course," Yuki said, amused. "Public safety only."
Elise leaned closer to my ear, voice low and sharp.
"Do not," she whispered, "let her push you."
My skin lit up from the proximity like my body had been waiting for that exact sentence my entire life.
The candle flickered.
The system chimed.
ALERT: PALADIN PROXIMITY SPIKE
TIP: DO NOT PANIC
WARNING: YOU ARE PANICKING
Yuki watched Elise's whisper with the calm delight of someone watching a fire start.
"Interesting," Yuki said.
Elise snapped, "Focus on the test."
"I am," Yuki replied. Then she leaned forward again, voice dropping, playful and precise. "Ren. One more step. We need to see if you can refuse safely."
I blinked. "Refuse."
"Yes," Yuki said. "I will tease. You will refuse politely. Ready?"
"No."
"Good," she said, like that was the point.
She looked at me like she was about to say something that would make my soul sweat.
"Ren," Yuki purred, "if you asked nicely, I might stamp your license with a special mark. Priority service. Private guidance. No waiting."
My mouth went dry.
That sounded like a bribe and also like something else.
The system flashed:
TEMPTATION DETECTED
RESIST FOR XP
I forced myself to inhale.
I tried to remember I was a hero. Or technically a hero. Or a joke wearing a hero's label.
"I… appreciate the offer," I said, voice shaking, "but no."
The candle glowed warmly.
The system chimed again.
XP GAINED: 10
BONUS: CONSENTUAL REFUSAL
Yuki's eyebrows lifted, impressed.
Elise exhaled like she'd been holding her breath for an hour.
"Good," Yuki said. "You can refuse."
Then she smiled at Elise.
"Now let's see," Yuki murmured, "if he can refuse when it's someone he's already reacting to."
Elise stiffened. "What."
Yuki pointed at Elise with her pen like she'd just assigned homework.
"Dame Elise," Yuki said, sweet as poison. "Give him one teasing line. For public safety."
Elise went rigid. "Absolutely not."
The candle flickered.
The neutral candle voice spoke again.
"Refusal detected without alternative. State boundaries clearly."
Elise looked like she might actually draw her sword on the candle.
"I will not tease him," Elise said, clipped. "Boundary. Final."
The candle steadied, accepting it.
Yuki sighed dramatically. "Such discipline."
Elise's eyes were blazing. "Finish the test."
Yuki held up her hands. "Fine. Ren passes the practical portion. Now he just needs to sign the liability waiver."
I nearly collapsed from relief.
Then Yuki slid the final paper toward me.
It was Form D.
Teasing Liability Waiver.
At the bottom, in tiny print, it said:
CONDITION OF LICENSURE:
CLIENT REN VARGA MUST REMAIN UNDER A REGISTERED CHAPERONE FOR 30 DAYS DUE TO HIGH FATE AFFINITY AND PUBLIC RISK OF ACCIDENTAL FLIRT EVENTS.
I looked up slowly.
Elise's eyes narrowed as she read it.
"No," she said.
Yuki smiled. "Yes."
Elise's voice dropped into a dangerous calm. "You did that on purpose."
Yuki's smile didn't change. "Paperwork does not have intentions."
Elise glared at her.
Yuki glared back, still smiling.
I signed the waiver with a shaking hand because I could see no other way out of this city alive.
The system chimed once more, almost gleeful.
NEW STATUS: LICENSED (PROBATIONARY)
CHAPERONE ASSIGNED: DAME ELISE VON HARTMANN
WARNING: THIS WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU
I looked at Elise.
She looked at me.
Her cheeks were still pink, her grip still tight on my wrist, and her eyes were trying very hard to be only angry.
"Ren," she said, voice low.
"Yeah?"
"If you embarrass me," she whispered, "I will personally escort you out of this city."
I swallowed.
The problem was the way she said my name.
The problem was that my body heard it and reacted like it was a compliment.
The problem was that the candle was still glowing, warm and steady, like it knew exactly what kind of war I'd just been drafted into.
And outside the velvet curtain, the city's high flirt conditions waited like a storm.