Abdullah opens his eyes. a bright white surrounding him. he looked around puzzled. then he felt a presence as if the room itself got heavy.
without any confirmation he knew instantly. "God". words started to be transmitted into his head that were not his own.
"you have died"
"where am I"
he was met by silence then images appeared. he saw his mother his father Ali his sisters. and then he was back in the room.
"I wanna go back please I wanna be with my family I don't wanna be here"
"Isn't this what you wanted?"
the words of god came back.
Abdullah said sobbing.
"no"
he woke up in his room. he ran outside to find his mother. he paused staring at her still sobbing.
"mama"
he said sniveling. hugging her tightly.
"I thought I'd never see you again"
"I don't want to die"
Abdullah whole body was trembling.
"what happened"
his mother said in a tone of confusion and worry. Abdullah told her about his dream. when he calmed down Abdullah knew he had to talk to Cassie.
"Cassie I need to tell you something"
Abdullah typed out the words in hesitation.
he continued to type out the whole situation about yesterday out in detail. he ended the monologue with.
"I'm sorry".
Cassie started typing back but Abdullah was scared to look. after a few minutes he found back his courage.
"what the actual fuck is wrong with Tomek that fucking idiot bitch shitty bitch ass friend stay away from his i swear to god Abdullah"
"why wouldn't you just come talk to me or try you idiot"
"you promised me you wouldn't do anything thank god your ok"
"don't ever do it again I know I can't stop you but I beg promise you'll come to me"
"if you really do care about me promise me everything and keep it or I swear to god if you actually died."
"how would I find a new best friend".
Abdullah read through every message one by one.
"don't worry anymore after the scare i had this morning there's no way I'll ever try that again.. I thought you'd be angrier"
"if i was mad you'd know about it trust me" Cassie replied.
"yea I'm sure I would, anyways I cant die cuz you'd never find a better friend, got to keep blessing you with my presence of course"
"oh yes of course what could i ever do without the great Abdullah".
Cassie responded.
Abdullah went on with his day afterward everything felt the same the food his friends nothing had really changed. when all of a sudden the next day Abdullah was sent to camhs for anger issues.
"of all the reasons anger really"
Abdullah thought amused.
the apointment went by normal the lady was very soft spoken and kind and went through a few activity's with her giving him a clipboard to write on.
"I don't think I'm a very angry person" he said to her.
"I don't think so either but i noticed through your answers. why do you always choose to shut down and be quite you often think keeping things to yourself is the best choice why not try to be open about your feelings."
Abdullah was dumbfounded. he sat there thinking about it. but he didn't say anything.
"you don't need to respond right now but from what i've seen if you can get your perspective out it can stop any emotional turmoil from being bottled up until it explodes all at once."
"yea" Abdullah responded.
when he got home he decided to block Hailey asked all his friends to as well, they all co operated.
except for Tomek.
"why don't you just block her"
"I don't talk to her it doesn't matter" he said.
"it matters to me can ya just do that much for me even"
"no"
"fine fuck you" Abdullah said.
"ok" Tomek responded.
Abdullah went on to talk to Cassie.
"I think I should tell these doctor guys like about my mental health but i don't know how. I can never get my words out"
"didn't you say she had a clipboard"
"yeah"
"write it down dummy"
"oh yeah man, when did you get smart"
"sybau"
"fairs".
once the next apointment came Abdullah was handed the clipboard again. he wrote down that he was depressed and needed help.
"i have to do this" he thought.
his heart was rushing. he handed over the clipboard. and she read through it until she stopped. then all of a sudden she went rushing out the room. Abdullah's stomach dropped. a man with ebony skin walked in. he was incredibly tall. like he could hit his head on the ceiling. with long arms. and a deep voice. he started asking Abdullah questions.
"when did you get these thoughts firstly"
"how long has it been"
Abdullah was fidgeting with a pen his head straight at the floor.
"I don't know a while"
"why did you take so long to say anything you should've told your parents or tried to reach out"
Abdullah was trembling.
"i don't know"
then both of the doctors went outside. and shortly returned inside.
"ok you can go now we'll talk more next week alright."
when Abdullah got home his parents both sat him down in his room. Abdullah had a blank expression on his face. but a sense of dread filled him.
"you know we want the best for you we love you so much Abdullah you always have your parents through anything your whole life you can always come to us"
"i know mom"
Abdullah said unintentionally sounding annoyed.
"I'm sorry if i ever hurt you or if i did something"
Abdullah looked down. thinking about his grandmothers and his mom keeping the truth. "assuming it was yourself who did something. i guess that's where i get it from."
"no it wasn't you" Abdullah told his mother.
his father asked his mom to leave and he talked to Abdullah.
"listen your my son and I'm your father and you can talk to me about any problems anything. if something is wrong if someone is giving you trouble I'll smash their face in. I never had my dad but you have me alright."
"my whole life I've had some good moments and happy times and I've been through hell as well. there are things about me that even your mom doesn't know but I'd tell you I love you more then anyone. son your stronger then you think. I know that your sensitive and things can get to your head but you have our support always. all I want is to see you happy everything I've done its for you my family so you can have an easier life. so just anytime you don't feel good you can go to me or your mother anytime. i know you always liked your mom more."
"i love you dad" Abdullah interrupted.
Abdullah's father embraced him.
"i love you too son"
soon after his dad left the room.
Abdullah was pondering.
"so much happened. but why do i feel like this still i thought i would be happy. i don't feel sad but i don't feel happy."
"why god."
god never responded. but Abdullah believed with his heart he was there." "I don't want to die, but I don't wanna be"
Alive...