The conference hall was meant to be scary but not seem hostile.
The walls are made of glass. Colors that aren't too bright. Seating is arranged in rows for the purpose of making it easier to see, not for comfort. People would quietly judge each other's reputations and make decisions long before anyone spoke.
I got there before the time we had set.
It wasn't because I was nervous; it was because timing was the key to control.
The registration desk checked my credentials without any hesitation. My badge only had my name and the title of my job, Independent Compliance Consultant. I don't belong to any groups. There is no past. As the plan says.
I picked a seat that was close to the middle of the room, not too close to the front, and not too far back that I would be hidden. You can see it, but it's not too obvious.
People were talking in low voices all around me. I started to see familiar faces; these were people I had seen before in negotiations and in sessions where I sat in the chair behind Ruvan Calderic and only spoke when I was asked to.
No one looked past me today.
My eyes were drawn to me.
I could feel the change. Being absent made one more curious.
There was another opening in the doors on the other side of the room.
He had a quiet authority that didn't need to be acknowledged to be felt, and Ruvan Calderic came in without anyone noticing before he got there. He wasn't supposed to say anything. He was not on the list of panelists.
He came to check things out.
Elowen walked next to him with her hand lightly resting on his arm, as if to show that she owned him without asking for his attention.
I didn't look away.
I didn't look at him directly, just like you.
I was sitting comfortably and had a neutral look on my face as I watched the moderator set up her notes on the platform.
On the other hand, awareness came between us like static.
He had seen me before.
I knew because the air had changed.
The meeting started.
The moderator led a discussion about what went wrong with oversight. Because of consolidation, systems have too much work to do. The discussion focused on the potential risks associated with over-reliance on automation in situations where the workforce is insufficient.
Each statement was made with the precision of a surgeon.
I listened with my hands folded and my breath steady.
A senior regulator spoke to the room, and then the audience was able to ask questions.
He was the one who said, "We're seeing patterns." The same for all businesses. It's the same space. There have been other delays like this. We want to hear from independents who have worked in these places before.
The look changed.
Some of them turned their faces toward me.
I stood up when asked to.
The movement was very smooth. I did this out of habit. I didn't think twice when I got up to the microphone.
I couldn't see Ruvan.
I was able to talk clearly.
I meant that "systems fail when responsibility becomes diffused" when I said that. When accountability is clear, the best way to monitor progress is to stay informed about any gaps before they become apparent. A person can identify a gap before it becomes evident.
There was a low voice that went through the room.
I then said, "This isn't about blaming people." " Architecture is the topic at hand. There is no such thing as extra. It is necessary.
I got farther away.
They moved on right after I thanked the moderator.
I went back to my seat, where my heart rate and pulse stayed steady.
Ruvan had not moved on the other side of the room.
I had never seen him look at me like that before.
It isn't power.
It is looked at.
The meeting went as planned. There were speakers there. It was given data. Names surrounded truths that no one directly said.
But the space between us got smaller.
Never with any feelings.
Having been recognized.
The people who came up to me during the break were careful. They asked me questions that sounded like compliments and made invitations that sounded like interest. I politely declined the offer I didn't want.
I felt like people were always watching me.
When I turned around, Ruvan was there. We were so close to each other now that the mood between us changed.
It's not personal.
There is a fee.
He called her Mr. Noem.
Not even my name.
He did not use my name as a title.
There is no claim.
Because of the hearing, I finally got his attention for the first time.
This is Mr. Calderic.
That was the last thing.
Two words.
The distance is the same.
Restraint was used the same way on all sides.
Elowen moved next to him with a tight smile. "We didn't expect any of you to be here."
I calmly said, "I was invited."
Ruvan looked at my face. "You spoke well."
"Thank you."
The silence grew bigger.
He could have said a hundred different things.
I could answer a thousand different questions.
We both didn't do it.
The moderator told everyone to go back to their seats.
It was a short time.
But something had happened that couldn't be changed.
I left right after the session ended without staying.
Without looking back.
Don't stop.
The air in the city felt more real, colder, and more astringent when I went outside.
It took me a long time to breathe out.
Ruvan stayed inside the hall behind me, watching me leave through the glass. He was behind me.
He did not stay behind.
There was no reason for him to do that.
He confirmed that something was much worse than where I was.
I hadn't completely disappeared.
I had changed.
And I did it without his help.
When I got back to my apartment the next night, I took off the badge and put it on the table.
My phone was still off, though.
I could see the city lights below me, like a web that I was no longer a part of but could still navigate if I wanted to.
Some of the meetings were about closeness.
Some people were more interested in how power works.
Today, both of these things happened.
And for the first time since he swore to deny me something, I understood everything.
I no longer needed space to keep myself safe.
It was mine.
The next time we talked, there would be no more silence. We made the choice to break the silence.