Life after that night was weird. Each morning I faked being okay though something had shifted deep down. Fear crawled through me, jitters popped up now and then - odd bursts of thrill slipped in too, which made me mad at myself for no good reason. My emotions didn't make sense, like they'd turned into a storm outta nowhere. I thought about school - also about my friends - but that didn't fix anything. Each time I got home, he popped into my head again.
I began spotting little stuff about Dad. Like how his eyes met mine when I entered. He'd grin outta nowhere, which felt odd. Then he'd wonder about my day - actually paying attention while I spoke. It started off fine, yet over time something felt odd. I didn't want these feelings, still they kept coming.
One sunny afternoon, I lounged in the living room with a book. Dad popped his head in just to see how I was doing. He wondered whether I'd already grabbed something for lunch. Sure, I told him I did - still, he showed up later with food on a plate. He plopped down next to me, grinning. Right away, my cheeks warmed up. Acting cool was impossible - my fingers started trembling, so I fumbled the fork. It clattered down; he grabbed it, then grinned once more. I felt like bolting - yet stayed put. Just plopped down, stiff as ice.
That night, sleep wouldn't come. My mind stayed stuck on him instead. I argued with myself, saying it's messed up. After all, dads and their girls aren't supposed to have these thoughts. I thought of my buddies, then class, then whatever came to mind - but nothing worked. Stuck inside my head, like walls closing in.
The next day Mom was rushing around tidying up. Still, she didn't see a thing. I kept myself calm somehow. Instead of staying quiet, I joked and chatted just like usual. Each time Dad glanced my way, my gut twisted weird. I'd dodge him, yet somehow he'd spot me anyway. He'd ask stuff - homework, classes, who I hung out with. My replies came out shaky, though I hoped he wouldn't catch it.
Now and then, I'd spot him watching me whenever he believed I wasn't paying attention. It bothered me that I even saw it - still, I couldn't ignore what was happening. A sense of shame began creeping in. Feeling like this toward Dad didn't sit right - it felt messed up. I tried pushing it away; no matter how hard I fought, those emotions always returned.
That night we lounged in the front room, eyes glued to the screen. Mom moved around near the stove. Dad shifted beside me on the sofa. His hand touched my forehead - gently - he swept a strand aside - I stiffened. I thought about leaning back… yet stayed still. Pulse thumping hard. I was afraid, yet there was another feeling I couldn't figure out. I tried to yell, only silence followed.
Then I started staying in my room a lot. Reading stuff, playing tunes - anything to clear my head. Still, whenever he showed up, my nerves jumped right back. He'd chat about little things, wonder how I'm doing, or offer help out of nowhere. I couldn't ask him to quit. Yet I didn't say a word to Mom either. So I just stayed stuck.
School got slightly easier. I joked around with my buddies. Faked like nothing was wrong. Yet once I walked through the door, that shaky doubt crept back in. Now and then, I'd sit alone in my room crying soft. I kept thinking it'd just fade somehow. Convinced myself I might push it out of mind. Yet whenever Dad walked near, everything rushed back again.
That evening he came knocking once more. Fear made me hesitate at first. Still, I turned the knob anyway. He claimed he needed to chat. Part of me wished to refuse - yet nothing left my lips. He took a seat on the mattress next to me. His voice was low, going on about how my hours had been. I paid attention even though tension built up inside. Running away crossed my mind - still, I stayed put. Yelling rose in my throat yet nothing came out.
Once he was gone, a weird vibe hit me. Guilt mixed with confusion took over. Hating myself sucked - but I did it anyway. Him? Yeah, I resented him just as much - yet my mind kept looping back. Sleep didn't come close, no matter how hard I tried. I lay there, wide awake, puzzling over emotions that made no sense. Instead of sleeping, I jumped to thoughts - mates, class, pages - but none stuck around.
Time dragged on. Each glance from him made my pulse jump - suddenly jittery, outta sync. His grin hit me weird every single time, like a glitch in the air. Felt dumb for reacting, honestly. Wished it'd fade away… but nope, stuck there. I wanted to stay away from him, yet he kept showing up. I hid how I felt, still it showed in everything.
I began jotting things down in a small notebook. Because it helped me sort through what I felt. Although no words made sense at first, still I kept going. Even though I hoped somebody would get it, deep down I figured nobody ever could. Since talking to Mom wasn't an option - I just couldn't go there. I couldn't share it with anyone. Instead, I just scribbled words while tears fell slow in private.
Now and then, I'd picture myself vanishing. Other times, I'd imagine yelling at my dad to just back off. Each moment I dwelled on it, fear crept in - made me feel shaky inside. Things couldn't go back, even though I wished they would. A shift had happened. It wasn't safe anymore.
Each morning I begged for the emotions to fade. Hoping he'd leave me alone. Wishing she wouldn't catch on. Asking it wouldn't turn worse. Still, underneath, I sensed everything had already changed. I sensed a hidden thing taking shape. I figured whatever came next wouldn't have an easy fix.
I was right, though. Things were shifting - something risky, something huge. No clue how it'd go down or when. Just sensed each day made faking it tougher. Each moment piled on more pressure inside. The hidden truth weighed more by the hour.
I wanted to erase it. Or at least hide inside my thoughts. I kept saying it shouldn't feel this way. Even asked for help from above. Still, none of it made a difference. That weight just stayed. Because deep down, I realized it wouldn't leave unless things took a turn with no coming back.