It was quiet outside. It was to be expected, at this time of day at least. Nobody was awake, nobody wanted to or had a reason to at least.
She did.
Her thoughts, which were normally enraptured with remembering the time spent outside training, running, and all but frolicking on the turf in the lead.
Where nobody could reach her, where her past and sins didn't touch her, as if for only a moment she could be free of anything and simply be one with the world and let it run through her and grant her it's wisdom.
But then, once that moment had gone and went she would remember it all.
The fire, the smoke, the ash.
She would remember running back after a morning run and looking upon her greatest mistake, her greatest failure, her greatest sin.
Instead, oddly enough, she was thinking of something else.
Where she would be tossing and turning, she was now still and contemplative.
Her past, her present and even bits and portions of her future where laid bare to her.
She remembered running thoughtlessly, chasing after a dream impossible to reach, of being so so happy, and yet she also remembered running towards a house that was already burning down and being stopped by a man who grabbed her and tried to stop her from looking at the flame consuming everything she once knew and was.
And yet, even then the sight of it burning, remained stuck in her mind, the mere reflection of it on that mans eyes haunts her at night, it curses her tells her of her faults, and taunts her inability to save them.
It taunts her.
Even now, even when it has waned and grown weak, it haunts her.
Its whispers remain stuck in her mind, and it's crackling sounded endlessly.
Her old man tried many a things to calm her, knowing full well that only time could ever mend even a fraction of the wound.
And so he remained by her and encouraged her to do better, he encouraged her to grow.
To become something better, to not be shackled by the past the same way he was.
And yet… that man, the man who adopted her, the man who gave her a home and a new family, was sick.
The sickness couldn't be cured at least with the funds he had left and so she went and faced her fears.
She became a racer.
And it felt amazing, the feeling of the wind, the anxiety of having everybody watching wanting to see you win, it is intoxicating.
And gods, the feeling of having victory guaranteed is like no other, the joy, that she felt, rushed through her blood as fast as the wind and had disappeared as soon as it arrived.
The feelings of guilt. The feelings of not being worthy of it all.
They all compacted into her at once.
And thus, she couldn't help but slow if just a bit, she knew why, she was terrified of facing it after all, but even then it did not care.
It screamed at her and all but told her that she did not the right to run.
And yet, she would run anyway.
Her mind may be fractured and terrified, but victory was still something she wanted, no, needed.
So she would run and she would win, it was something that she realized the moment she had won her debut.
Even as the doubts and cries and the curses ran through her mind! She remained calm.
It did not affect her.
For how could it?
Does the wind care for what impedes it?
Does the sun care for the clouds?
Does the flower care for the environment in which it blooms?
The answer, is no.
And so, even if almost all of herself wavers and wishes to stop she would not let it.
Even if, it truly was all her fault, she wanted to run, she wanted to win.
And so, she would.
Alas, most of her would crumble under the pressure of the minds preconceived sins, it would cower and it would apologize, the only time it did not was when it was in the presence of that… beauty that had stolen all of her heart.
She alone could pierce through the guilt and make, the girl that was Hope for Tomorrow live truly and utterly in the present.
Not stuck halfway in and halfway out.
But truly and fully in.
She alone could mend their mind, a mind so fractured yet not truly shattered so that she may exist.
Even now, she had to take control.
Her mind couldn't help but accept the sins that have befallen her.
It could not help but wallow in despair, knowing that no matter how good she runs, they will never return.
And that they will witness what they wanted her to become.
A star of hope, one that shines for a better tomorrow.
At least… that is she believes her parents wanted of her… she didn't know.
Not truly anyway.
She never had the chance to ask.
But… now she would not have to force her body to run, no.
She had found it.
An answer, a way to justify her running!
If only to herself…
People hope for her to win do they not? Thus, if she remains victorious, would that finally be the answer she has been searching for? A way to protect her own mind, a way to ensure that she no longer will shatter. A way to grant hope just like they would have wanted.
All she would have to do… is to win, and keep winning that way… the whispers and the screams they would cease…
It… it sounds impossible even to herself… what if… the justification that she has formed isn't enough?
What if… she can't win?
What if… she is well and truly hopeless?
What if… she is cursed to remain in this state?
What if… she merely sows despair?
What if… she makes people lose hope?
What if…
Ah… she couldn't help it, the doubts… they ravage her mind, even she is not safe from them…
It does not matter, no. It does, but.
She can not let her fears and doubts control her.
She has found an answer.
And that answers will have to do.
It may have taken her the entire day and night to realize it.
She may have said words that sowed discord and discontent among her peers.
But, compared to the absolute necessity of her reaching this answer, then the price of it is negligible, her true self, the one that yet is filled with doubts and fears, will deal with the consequences, all the while wielding the realization that has taken this long.
If she had to choose to be selfish just this once, then so be it.
…
She stretched on the turf, it's soft scent calmed her, she was tired, she must not have gotten much sleep.
But even then, she couldn't help the smile from building on her face, a solution, well… a possible one had somehow someway revealed itself to her.
And yet, why did it feel like she was getting the stink eye?
————————————
AN
I am going to be completely honest, I should have had this done by Thursday the latest, and yet here we are, my procrastinating self, decided instead of making two chapters a week we're staying with one.
Sorry, I can't even make any extra ones next week, as I'm taking chemistry as summer courses… yay (I need it to get to sciences, I'm doing this to myself)
either way, very description heavy chapter, I know, and I'm sorry, but I really, and I mean really, needed this chapter to be that way, if only to show the differences in both versions of hope, and the way they think and well, how that affects the way they speak.
On another note, I have some ideas for Hopes racing outfit (her G1 silks), but I wouldn't mind hearing your opinions and ideas on how it should look. (I'd like the inspiration if necessary)
anyway, I don't think I have much more to say that is actually important,
so yeah,
this is GreekAntrielos,
signing off.