Feelings are stupid. Or maybe I'm stupid. I just don't understand them! How do people just keep quiet? How do they control them? How do I stop myself from screaming and punching a hole in the wall?
Which is how I ended up in this situation.
Sitting in my mom's old car, which always smells like peanuts, oddly, waiting for her to finish talking to the principal. Before you ask "Aless, what did you do?!"
I was provoked.
It's not like I hurt someone! It was in chemistry. We were doing partner work and I was partnered with Cecil
Out of everyone, Cecil.
What's wrong with Cecil you ask? Well I'm certainly glad you did. He thinks he runs everything. Like he's better than everyone at anything. That's why no one likes him! You could be breathing and he'd have something to correct. So obviously chemistry was going to be a nightmare.
Before we could even start, he already corrected me on how to put on my gloves and goggles on as if I'm stupid.
Spoiler alert: I'm not!
Next, he said I was setting up the beakers wrong, so he redid it. But it was exactly the same!
The final straw is when I was trying to mix the two chemicals, like Miss Wilson said, and he shoved me out of the way, saying "I got it".
See what I mean? Provoked.
I tried to do what Miss Green, the guidance counselor, said. So I walked away to take a breather. But I just couldn't keep my feelings in.
It's like something's punching at me from the inside, trying to rip me open. I knew I couldn't touch him. I would be in a lot more trouble than I already am right now.
So I punched the wall.
It didn't look that soft… in fact, it looked pretty hard. But to my surprise, my weak, skinny arm went through it.
I mean straight through it.
You could see outside…
Now my mom is going to have to pay for property damage..
And my wrist is sprained, I'm surprised it's not broken.
Do I feel bad? Well yeah, obviously.
Our family is not rich. I mean, we're quite literally the opposite. My mom pays everything with food stamps and works two jobs, so she's almost never home.
My older brother, Xavier, is almost 20, living in our basement and making money off of video games.. when I say "money" I mean the 10 dollar someone donates on his stream once every blue moon..
It has always been like this anyway. My dad left before my brother was born. Mom says that it was for the best, that he had bad habits.
But maybe if he were still here…
We wouldn't be in this situation.
Scratch that. He was a bad person.
But that wall… I've never been strong. I couldn't kill a fly. How could I have- It was probably just old. I mean our school is ancient, It was made in 1890s. They can't seem to let it go.
As I'm thinking, my mom comes back. She doesn't say anything, she just starts the car without a word. But her face says it all.
The car is full of this thick tension the whole ride. Just when I clear my throat to break that tension she snaps. Not angry just straightforward.
"You're going back to seeing Ms. Brown."
I freeze, processing what she just said.
Ms. Brown? My therapist?
One, I haven't seen her in at least six years. And that's when I was hitting, screaming and pulling hair in sixth grade.
Two, we stopped seeing her because of money. If we couldn't afford her then, how can we afford her now? And I'm too old. I can take care of myself without "advice".
I turn to the window, quietly mumbling. "I thought we couldn't afford that anymore.."
My mom just shrugs, not budging. "I'd rather pay fifty dollars a month than five hundred every time you break a wall."
My breath catches in my throat. Five hundred? For something I can barely believe I did?
I look at my mom, trying to find the right words. "I- uh,"
She just shakes her head, stopping me.
"Just.. don't.."