Dawn filtered grey through the shutters of the Sleeping Basilisk Inn.
Mordecai awoke—not to noise, not to a dream, but because his [VIT: 99] now included a hyper-acute kinesthetic sense. He registered an anomalous weight on his chest, unnatural warmth, and a rhythmic motion that wasn't his.
Something smooth as silk was rubbing against his skin.
'Oh. I have a bad feeling'
He opened one eye. Then the other.
Visual analysis in 0.3 seconds:
Object: Pyroetta Von Serylda.
Position: Clung to his side, one arm thrown over his chest, one leg over his. Her face was pressed into his shoulder, expression blissfully asleep.
Clothing Status: Critical. Her silk nightgown (which he didn't remember her having) had mysteriously come unbuttoned, revealing an amount of skin that Mordecai's (imaginary) workplace decency regulations would have heavily fined.
Context: She was snoring lightly. She smelled of cherry blossoms and warm ash.
Logical Assessment:
Intrusion confirmed. Violation of Article 1: Personal Space. Violation of Article 15 of Equal Rights: Sneaking half naked into someone else's bed is considered Sexual Harassment.
Security conditions compromised. Vulnerable subject (asleep) in contact with a potentially unstable agent (tsundere).
High risk of dramatic clichèd escalation upon waking up. High probability of a scene where the tsundere slaps the subject / loss of productive time.
'How the fuck did she enter here?!!? I'm pretty sure that I locked everything!' Mordecai thought, forgetting about his greatest enemy of this story: The System.
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: FAN-SERVICE SCENE, YOU'RE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE SOMETHING PAINFUL, TAKE MEASURES IMMEDIATELY.]
'Ah, got it. That's the scene where she suddenly wakes up, fully embarrassed, and slaps me for being a pervert. I won't let you have this satisfaction, System.'
[SYSTEM REPLY FROM THE HIGHER REALMS,]
XxShadowSlayerxX: Oh come on bro, you can do it. I'll give you 5/5 if you manage to pull out a sex scene here.
Pyroetta_Squad: OHWWW! LOOK AT HER! SHE'S SO ADORABLE!!
Lucy_Simp01: He's probably still hurt from the betrayal, lol. I don't think he'll even touch her.
'I'll kill you, ShadowSlayer.' He said, pretending to not have read anything else, despite the comment about Lucy made him grit his teeth.
Decision: Avoid drama. Apply a ruthless, logical counter-narrative.
Mordecai did not jerk away. He did not yell. He did not blush.
With the calm of an engineer inspecting faulty machinery, he slowly lifted his free arm and rapped three sharp, professional knocks on Pyra's forehead.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Pyra grunted, furrowing her brow in her sleep. Mordecai willed a small bone thimble to protrude from his index finger (a minor side effect of [BIG BONED]) and used it to tap lightly on the bridge of her nose.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
"Uhn… five more minutes, mother…" she mumbled, turning her head and clinging more into him.
"Aaaah... what a good smell... daddy...❤︎" Pyroetta mumbled while burying her face into his chest.
'Enough of this bullshit.' He thought.
"Pyroetta," Mordecai said, his voice raspy and devoid of all emotion, like a report being read aloud. "This is a surprise inspection of nocturnal security procedures. You have FAILED on all counts."
Pyra opened her eyes. She opened them slowly, her mind tuning into reality: the grey light, the wooden ceiling, the warmth of the body beside her, the familiar voice and…
THE FACE OF KAITOYAMA TWO INCHES FROM HERS, STARING AT HER LIKE A BUG ON A MICROSCOPE SLIDE.
"GYAAAAAAAAAAH!" she screamed, trying to scramble back. But she was so tangled with him that she ended up rolling clumsily off the bed, landing on the floor with a thud and a mess of sheets.
"Primary violation," Mordecai continued, sitting up on the bed and observing her like a health and safety inspector. "Falling asleep on guard duty. Egregious. Secondary violation: uniform non-compliant and in a state of indecency. This compromises operational readiness."
Pyra, flushed like a chili pepper, covered herself as best she could, her brain short-circuiting between nuclear embarrassment and the absurd formality of the accusation. "I… I WAS… I WAS TESTING YOUR VIGILANCE! IT'S A DRILL!"
"A failed drill. My vigilance was optimal. Yours was null. I was able to approach, inspect, and strike you repeatedly without response." Mordecai paused dramatically. "Had I been a Level 40 Shadow Assassin, you would now be a statistic in a quarterly mortality report."
He got out of bed, completely ignoring the fact he was only in patched long johns (He didn't even realize that his pajama was gone). He approached her huddled on the floor.
The sight of his muscular and defined body, half naked, made Pyroetta feel a mix of fear and... arousal.
'What is he gonna do to me...? Oh no... I'm... I'm about to...❤︎' Pyroetta moved to the corner of the room and she started rubbing her legs together.
"For this gross negligence, the penalty is immediate." Mordecai spoke, his voice dropped by an octave.
Pyroetta's hands reached her mouth and a blush covered her entire face.
[SYSTEM WARNING: TARGET'S AROUSAL IS BEYOND SAFETY LEVELS, TAKE MEASURES IMMEDIATELY! SEX SCENES ARE NOT ALLOWED YET.]
"You are assigned to: Cleaning and Sanitization of the Spiritual Room at Fort Blackstone, upon acquisition. Opening shift. For one month." He said, realizing he had mentioned a place without even knowing what it was.
'Fort... Blackstone...? What...? Why did I say this? What am I talking about?'
Pyra stared at him, mouth agape. The embarrassment, confusion, and anger all vanished for a second, replaced by absolute stupefaction. He wasn't flustered. He wasn't romantically angry. He was… professionally disappointed.
It was the most humiliating, and somehow, most thrilling thing that had ever happened to her.
"Now," Mordecai concluded, turning his back on her. "Exit and prepare. Breakfast is in 15 minutes. Will you cause further delay? Or shall I add 'tardiness' to your file?" He said, with an edgy voice, while his eyes sparkled with a deep shade of purple.
Pyra scrambled to her feet, wrapped in the sheet, and fled the room like a rabbit on fire. Her heart hammered wildly, but not from the embarrassment of the "morning after." It hammered with the reverent fear of having disappointed the Boss.
Mordecai waited for the door to shut. Then he sighed, the impassive mask cracking for just an instant.
He took some steps to the mirror in the other side of the room and finally took a look at himself and realized that he was half naked. He noticed how muscular and defined he was and sighed again.
'Ah. This is inefficient. Fan-Fiction writers are gonna go crazy.' He thought, before realizing the real question behind this event.
'What? Why am I half naked? Who undressed me?!' He added to his thoughts.
[SYSTEM: Cliché 'Morning After Tsundere Panic' successfully subverted. Converted into 'Workplace Performance Review'. Morale of companion 'Pyra': confused, +10 Respect, -5 Sanity.]
He had his answer.
'I hate you, System.'
He then activated[TOTALLY HIDE STATUS]Kaitoyama, the tired electrician, looked back from the mirror.
"Working with unqualified personnel," he grumbled to the cold coffee pot, "is the true final boss."
At breakfast, Pyra avoided eye contact, flushing every time she glanced his way. Mordecai, unperturbed, had already spread Royal Jelly of The Chad on a stale piece of bread.
"Eat. Efficient protein. Today is an operational day. We have a lot of things to do today." Mordecai said, while eating the Jelly and upgrading a new ability he didn't know he had.
[Skill Upgrade: HIVE MEMORY: LOW SIGNAL]
Effect:
Once per day, acquire random thought from the UnderRealm like:
"Fort Blackstone requires sanitation."
"Queens do not tolerate incompetence."
"This bread is beneath you."
'Ah. Now everything has a logic. But this power is gonna drive me crazy. What a stupid, useless power.'
While she ate in silence, he opened the mental channel. Ugo was already at work.
<
OBJECTIVES (Priority 1):
Acquisition of Legal Headquarters: Real estate with strong necrotic ley lines, isolated, low tax liability.
Legitimate Revenue Stream: Cover operations through the Guild (reclamation, exorcisms... pest management).
Personnel Recruitment: Expand the roster of non-living "employees" with clear contracts.
FIRST ACTION: Go to the Guild. Look for "reclamation" or "cursed property management" quests. Use the reward as a down payment.
Mordecai approved. "Perfect. Draft the standard employment contracts for new hires: part-time, unpaid, benefit: 'experience in the afterlife sector.' And Ugo?"
*<
"Draft an insurance policy against personal space infringement. For me. Annual premiums to be determined."
<<...Consider it done.>> Ugo sounded amused.
After the breakfast, they moved to the main hall, where all adventurers were 'happily' chatting and taking missions.
The guy wearing the green trousers wasn't there, nor the 'Dragon Slayer'.
The only thing Mordecai saw was 'Random NPC's' until his edgy eyes fell on a particular blonde adventurer who was holding a staff wrapped in a cloth.
He looked like he was no more than 15 and he had a depressing expression on his face.
'That guy looks like he's suffering from erectile dysfunction'.
The Guild hall smelled of stale ale, sweat, and the metallic tang of polished weapons—a scent Mordecai was starting to associate with inefficient bureaucracy.
As they approached the main counter, Elara, the bespectacled receptionist, looked up. Her eyes, which usually scanned adventurers for gold pouches, locked onto Mordecai with the intensity of a hawk spotting a particularly interesting, brooding mouse.
She practically vibrated with excitement.
"M-Master Kaitoyama! You're back! I, uh, took the liberty!" With a flourish, she produced a stack of parchment so thick it could stop a crossbow bolt. "Fully itemized receipt for the Slime Core bounty, cross-referenced with Guild fee schedules, regional tax codes, and a projected depreciation model for the unclassified Skeletal Archivist Core! In triplicate!" She placed the stack on the counter with a soft thud, then, with a blush, slid a clumsily frosted cupcake wrapped in a napkin beside it. "A-and... a little something. For your... arduous labors."
"Thank you." Mordecai said, grabbing the stack and the cupcake.
Pyra, who had been simmering like a teapot on a furnace since they'd entered, did not explode.
The steam rising from her twin-tails didn't erupt into a geyser. Instead, it vanished, replaced by a sudden, profound cold. Her playful, tsundere pout melted into an expression of aristocratic contempt so refined it could have been taught in finishing schools for vengeful ice queens.
She took one elegant step forward, her armored boot clicking on the stone floor with the finality of a judge's gavel. She didn't raise her voice. She lowered it to a chilling, conversational tone that cut through the guild's noise like a scalpel.
"Tell me, clerk," Pyra began, her gaze sweeping over Elara as if examining a stain on the floor. "Does the Guild's compensation package include provisions for... unprofessional attachments? Or is the offering of poorly-decorated confections to clients a standard part of your 'customer satisfaction' metrics that I, as a patron of noble blood, have simply been too gracious to report?"
Elara flinched as if slapped. The color drained from her face.
Pyra had used no magic, no fire, but the sheer, concentrated disdain in her voice was a weapon Mordecai had never seen her wield. It was all implication, social daggers, and the unshakable confidence of someone who knew they were born several tax brackets above their target.
Mordecai observed, a flicker of something almost like professional admiration in his eyes.
'Efficient. Used only fifteen words. Inflicted psychological damage equivalent to a 5th-level 'Crushing Despair' spell. No mana cost. Impressive ROI.' For the first time, he was surprised about Pyra's behavior.
The cringe tsundere jealous girl who usually slaps the main character with her twintails transformed into a dark, bureaucratic yandere.
'My influence on her is getting stronger, I'm transforming her into a real character.'
While Pyra held Elara in a glacial, verbal headlock, Mordecai turned. His eyes found the Guildmaster, a grizzled man with a beard like steel wool and a permanent frown carved into his face. He was no hero; he was a logistics manager for people who killed monsters.
'That's obviously the commander.'
"Guildmaster," Mordecai said, bypassing pleasantries. "I'm in the market for real estate. Specifically, problematic real estate. Cursed land, haunted manors, infested fortifications—places where the 'clearance' cost is factored into a severely depressed purchase price. I need a base of operations to conduct... long-term sanitation projects."
The Guildmaster looked up from his ledger, his weary eyes lighting up with the first genuine interest Mordecai had seen in him.
"Problematic, eh? Lookin' for a fixer-upper with a side of existential dread?" He rummaged under the counter and pulled out a much-handled, stained list. "Got a few regular nuisances the nobility keep petitioning us to 'deal with'. No one wants to touch 'em. Too much hassle for the reward." He slid the list over. "Knock yourself out. If you can make one of these hellholes habitable and stop the ghosts from wandering into the local vineyards, you'll be doing me a favor."
Mordecai took the list. "My thoughts exactly. A mutually beneficial transaction." He scanned it. 'Wailing Willow Estate.' 'The Gurgling Sepulcher.' 'Fort Blackstone.' 'The Leaky Bucket,' Perfect.
And in that moment, Mordecai realized his new mission: find a home where he could easily conduct his logistic experiments without being watched.
And what's better than a haunted mansion? NOTHING!
[SYSTEM // FEEDBACK FROM THE HIGHER REALMS!]
XxShadowSlayerxX ⭐⭐⭐: BRO. BRO. THERE WAS A BED. THERE WAS A GIRL .THERE WAS NO SEX .-2 stars for emotional damage. +1 star because HR Mordecai is unironically terrifying.
Pyroetta_Squad ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ :I CAME FOR FAN-SERVICE, I STAYED FOR DOMINANT BUREAUCRACY, WHY IS HER BEING PROFESSIONALLY DISAPPOINTING MORE HOT THAN ANY KISS??? AUTHOR WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?
Lucy_Simp01 ⭐⭐⭐⭐: He didn't touch her. He didn't even LOOK at her like that. Yeah. He's still broken. Also Fort Blackstone is 100% a Chekhov's Gun and I hate how obvious it is.
MinMaxNecro ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐: HIVE MEMORY: LOW SIGNAL. That's it. That's the tweet. Peak "useless skill that becomes plot-critical 40 chapters later".
GuildEconomist ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐:REAL ESTATE ARC??? CURSED PROPERTY MANAGEMENT??? NECROTIC LEY LINE TAX EVASION???? This is the most relatable fantasy protagonist I've ever read.
TsundereDefenseForce ⭐⭐: Author ruined tsundere trope. She didn't slap him. She didn't scream. She used SOCIAL POWER. This is character assassination and I feel personally attacked.
OverlordWasMid ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐This is what happens when Ainz goes to business school and gets tired of anime bullshit. 10/10 would read again.
LoreArchivist_77 ⭐⭐⭐⭐ :The Guildmaster not being evil or stupid is a rare W.Fort Blackstone being casually foreshadowed twice before appearing on the list is clean writing.
YandereEnjoyer ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐:She didn't threaten violence. She threatened REPUTATION. That's hotter. I will not elaborate.
CasualReader91 ⭐⭐⭐:I thought this was gonna be a horny chapter. Instead I learned about HR violations and cursed real estate. Confused but strangely invested.
SystemModerator ⚠️ NOTICE: Author continues to intentionally subvert approved erotic escalation paths. Morale Impact: MixedRespect Gain: +10 Sanity Loss: -5
…continuing observation.