Chapter Thirty Five
"So, who are you again?"
I blinked, my head still hanging off the edge of my bed like a discarded piece of laundry. From this upside down perspective, the world was a chaotic mess of floorboards and dusty boots. Specifically, the boots of the man who had recently intervened to stop me from ending Shitty.
I'm so bored. I still have to figure out how to get manpower to invade the Barony... Ugh.
"Cough!" The man cleared his throat, looking down at my dangling face with a mixture of confusion and professional stoicism.
"Do you have a bad throat?"
"N... No, Your Grace?"
"Then, stop coughing. What is your name?"
"My name is Eatassh, Your Grace."
Why does it sound like... Eat ass?
[Ping!]
[Host shouldn't make fun of people's names.]
Yes. Yes, madam.
"Right, Eatassh. So, you want to help Kaelen and Hans to help with the building of the ice houses for the citizens?"
"Yes, Your Grace. To be precise, my entire mercenary group would like to volunteer. You must be lacking the necessary manpower to complete such a project before the seasons shift. Am I correct?"
I flipped myself upright with a groan that sounded far older than my actual body. My hair was a bird's nest, and my expression was likely that of a man who had seen the bottom of a wine barrel one too many times. I stared at him, sighing.
"True. The women, children, and the elderly can't exactly haul blocks of frozen water all day. But here is the real question. What is the catch? What do you want?"
Eatassh straightened his back, his chest swelling with a sense of noble duty that made my skin crawl.
Why does he look like some older version of Hans and Kaelen mixed?
[Ping!]
[Host seems right.]
I'm always right, Sysi.
"Nothing, Your Grace! You are designing these structures to preserve the lives of your citizens. The sheer brilliance of the design and the goodwill behind it are more than enough payment for us."
Why is everyone here working and helping for free???
I stared at him. I stared until the silence became heavy and awkward. Then, I let out a dry, hacking laugh.
"Goodwill? What is this goodwill, Eatassh? Is it a rare species of fish? A migratory bird? Perhaps a new type of grain? Tell me, can you sauté it? Does it satisfy the howling void of a hungry stomach?"
Eatassh blinked, his heroic aura flickering. "Ugh... No, Your Grace."
I leaned forward, my face contorting into a mask of judgment, I didn't even bother to hide. My eyes bulged slightly as I pointed a finger at his nose.
"Then you are a bad, bad leader, Eatassh. Truly terrible."
"Master! Please do not say such harsh things to him!" Kaelen cried out from the corner, looking as though he were about to vibrate out of his skin from secondhand embarrassment.
Is this brat embarrassed of me?
I squinted my eyes at him. "Why can't I, Kaelen? Truth is the best medicine, even if it tastes like ass. Right, Eat-ass-h?"
"Master, please! Remember the war I mentioned? The one that produced the very refugees you accepted into your lands?"
"Yeah. What about it?"
"The reason any of us survived to see these borders was because of Sir Eatassh and his Red Mercenaries! They are legends!"
I turned my gaze back to the mercenary king. My expression softened for a microsecond before hardening into something even more terrifying.
"I see. Congratulations then. You have been upgraded from a bad leader to a worse leader, Eatassh."
"Master!" Kaelen wailed.
"Kaelen, do you want to be fired? Because I can make that happen."
Kaelen's protest died instantly. He slumped his shoulders, his voice dropping to a whisper. "No... I still like your cooking."
"Good."
Eatassh, to his credit, didn't flinch. He looked me dead in the eye, his voice tight. "Your Grace, if I may. How exactly am I a bad leader for wanting to help people?"
"You want your mercenaries to work for free. What kind of boss forces his employees to labor without compensation? On that note, Hans, I need to revise the fief laws. We are going to implement strict labor standards. We can deviate from Imperial law if we want, right?"
"Yes, Your Grace," Hans replied, scribbling notes with a resigned sigh.
Eatassh stepped forward, his voice rising with passion. "Your Grace, my men and I want to help because what you are doing is a good deed! That is what honorable people do!"
I stood up, my shadow looming over him despite the height difference. "Eatassh, answer me honestly. When your mercenaries are exhausted from hauling ice and their stomachs are growling like angry wolves, tell me this. Does that goodwill stop the hunger? Does it erase the soul crushing tiredness that makes a man wonder why he is breaking his back for a lord who won't even buy him a loaf of bread? Honor doesn't pay for new boots, Eatassh."
The mercenary king opened his mouth, but no words came out. He looked like a man who had just been told the sun was actually a giant lemon.
"I..."
"You may return, Eatassh. Kaelen and Hans will handle this matter. If anything I'll go personally to help build the ice houses. The Duchy of Halcrest does not require your charity."
"But, Your Grace, we could really use their strength!" Kaelen tried one last time.
"No, Kaelen."
Suddenly, the blue window of character information flickered into existence before my eyes.
Damn! It's been so long since I got information.
----
[DING! CHARACTER INFORMATION EXTRACTION SUCCESSFUL!]
----
[Character: Eatassh Bloodbanner]
[Position: Mercenary King, Veteran, Exiled Viscount Of West, Foolish Viscount]
[Age: 47]
[Potential: SSS-Class (Warfare & Command)]
[Mana Circle : 10 (Max)]
[Charm Points: 120 (Intimidating Veteran Aura But Softie Inside)]
[Loyalty Points: 0]
[Likability Points: 5 (Liked The Way You Defended Kids)]
[Description: A battle-hardened mercenary king who has survived countless wars and contracts after being betrayed by his brother Viscount Eatshit. Values honor, ideals and results over rewards and money. Commands absolute loyalty from veteran mercenaries and possesses exceptional battlefield judgment. Commander of Red Mercenaries, The Strongest Mercenaries of The Empire.]
---
Eatassh sighed, defeated, making me tear my eyes away from the screen. "I am sorry for wasting your time, Your Grace. I will leave now."
No. No. You can't go now.
[Ping!]
[Host is truly shameless!]
"You are going to leave that easily, Viscount Eatassh?" I purred, my voice dropping an octave. "Tch. I expected a fight. How boring."
Eatassh froze. His hand moved instinctively toward the hilt of his sword, his eyes widening in shock.
"How do you..."
"Not again," Kaelen muttered, recognizing the look on my face.
"Close the door, Kaelen."
Hehe. My SSS Rank Strategist.
You walked in on your own will. But, a person can't have everything his way. Right?
Keke.