Saint, You're So Vulgar! – Chapter 1
Life needs milestones.
Because life is a series of nasty crossroads where the line between road and mud is blurred.
Those who walk with overconfidence will one day flounder in the muck.
The coward who trusts nothing can't move forward.
That's why human life needs milestones.
Asher knew that fact well.
Because that damn milestone had pulled him out of the foulest mud.
"Huh."
His milestone took the form of a girl.
In his moments of hardship, she always appeared, her straight pale sky-blue hair cascading down as she walked the path.
Then she'd spot him hiding in the shadows of an alley and approach.
She'd kneel to meet his eyes and ask:
"Why are you crying?"
Can I help you?
"Is something sad weighing on you?"
I'll listen to your voice.
"Hmm... I don't have a handkerchief. If it wouldn't be rude, may I wipe them with my hand?"
I'll take away those tears.
That day was the turning point.
What some might call a shallow kindness turned Asher's life upside down.
The touch that wiped his tears became an indelible mark on him.
His life, drifting aimlessly like a common weed, finally found direction.
In the warmth of that extended hand, the dimpled smile, and the eyes that curved like crescent moons when she laughed.
Asher was captivated by it all.
From that day on, he chased that moment forever.
And so, today finally arrived.
"Holy Knight Asher Terbion. From today, you are the Saintess's escort knight."
Asher had reached the end of the path he'd walked.
It was what he'd dreamed of for the past ten years.
* * *
It was late at night.
Asher stared into the mirror, hardening his expression.
His black hair was neatly trimmed.
His eyes were their usual blue.
A smile brought a gentle, affable look to his face.
No one would get a bad first impression.
He was deeply satisfied.
Excited enough for tomorrow.
"Uh-ha...!"
A scolding voice came as he grinned.
"Feels good, huh?"
Asher turned his head.
A man sat in the room's chair, legs crossed.
Brown hair, unshaven jawline, half-lidded eyes.
Marvin, the fellow knight who'd become a Holy Knight the same year as him.
He clicked his tongue.
"You like that so much? Standing day and night, barely sleeping, just guarding? That good?"
"It's meaningful work. Escorting the Saintess."
"Holy shit, you're insane."
Marvin smacked his lips.
He continued, as if unable to comprehend.
"Hey, you know how those guys escorting Lubena live, right? Three of 'em skin and bones from her hysterics, two quit crying they couldn't take it, and one bald from stress. Escort knights go bald, y'know? You wanna go bald?"
"That's an exaggeration. And that's about Saintess Lubena's escorts."
"Think the others are different? They've all been spoiled since childhood, not a shred of manners between 'em. Think it's just Lubena? Judith's got nasty rumors too."
"Saintess Versia is different."
"Poor deluded fool."
Marvin smacked his lips again.
But Asher wasn't fazed at all.
He scolded Marvin instead.
"The pitiful one is you. Never even spoken to a Saintess and letting prejudice blind you."
Indeed, rumors about those called Saintesses in the Church were often nasty.
But Asher knew better.
The Versia he'd serve starting tomorrow was different.
Asher was certain of it.
After all, hadn't he witnessed her kindness firsthand?
-Why are you crying?
Versia was the kind of person who would approach a total stranger.
The kind who would wipe a dirt-smeared face with her delicate hand.
That encounter was the first comfort in Asher's otherwise wretched life.
He'd been saved by the hand Versia extended that day, and it gave him a reason to live.
In other words, he'd found his calling.
Asher believed people like her, who could save others with pure goodwill, needed to live long lives.
The rest of his life existed for that purpose.
"She's a good person. And she has the fewest rumors."
"You idiot! No rumors means she's that calculating!"
"Exaggeration again."
Asher smiled brightly, brushing off Marvin's slander.
"It'll be fine. Stop worrying about me and go. Lights out soon."
"Sigh, whatever."
Marvin kept slandering Versia to the end.
Asher laughed it off.
He knew Marvin had a soft heart despite the tough act.
"Night."
"Don't come crying later! Seriously!"
"Yeah, yeah."
Bang!
The door closed.
Alone in the room, Asher let out a long breath and began preparing for bed.
He straightened the bedding and hung tomorrow's uniform neatly on the wall.
He leaned his sword against the table and closed the window.
Then he knelt by the window and offered a prayer.
'Holy Parent God, let this faithful servant protect Your daughter. Keep danger far and this sword near.'
If harm comes, let it reach me first...
'...Keep me from being far from her.'
Finishing his prayer, Asher opened his eyes with a clear smile.
Stars shone brilliantly outside.
A strange certainty washed over him that his prayer had been heard.
He slipped into bed in a great mood.
As Asher closed his eyes, his last thought was:
'How should I greet her first?'
To Asher, Versia was the great person who'd changed his life, but to her, he was just a passerby from long ago.
He couldn't act too familiar or too stiff.
As her servant, showing devotion came first.
Yeah, those words would work.
'I am Asher Terbion, honored to serve the Saintess from today.'
A smile spread across his lips again.
Before he knew it, sleep crept in.
Excitement all day must've worn him out.
"..."
Consciousness faded quickly.
It was an unusually deep sleep, even for him.
Bzzz
Asher felt his awareness dissolve.
His body drifted away, free will vanished, leaving only his mind floating in the void.
He flailed in the fearful emptiness.
He didn't know how long the struggle lasted.
In the midst of it, he heard a voice.
[It shall be done.]
That was it.
Morning came.
Asher slowly lifted his eyelids and felt something eerie.
"Saintess! Time for your cough syrup!"
Something was off.
"Saintess? You look pale. Bad dream?"
"..."
He opened his eyes to a girl with short chestnut hair calling him Saintess.
'Still dreaming?'
Becoming a Saintess himself? What an embarrassing dream.
Chuckling, Asher sat up.
And froze solid.
"...?"
Everything was wrong.
Unfamiliar room, unfamiliar furniture, unfamiliar body.
But strangest of all was at the edge of his vision, in the mirror.
Straight pale sky-blue hair, elegantly placed features, blue eyes.
The face of the most beautiful and compassionate person Asher remembered was showing confusion.
What the hell?
He touched his cheek, and the woman in the mirrorSaintess Versiadid the same.
His mind stalled.
The long deliberation in that state ended with him recalling the voice from the dream.
[It shall be done.]
His face drained of color.
A hollow laugh escaped.
'No way...'
...So why was he so certain?
Maybe because he'd remembered yesterday's prayer.
'...Keep me from being far from her.'
That's what he'd said.
It seemed God had answered.
A bit excessively. Physically.
* * *
Once he grasped the situation, Asher bolted up, dashing out of the room past the chestnut-haired girl calling him.
Versia was the first thing on his mind in this mess.
'If I'm in this body, then right now in my body...!'
The Saintess is there.
Imagining her confusion made his heart pound; he couldn't stop running.
He ran until his lungs burned.
Even crossing the Church grounds, his worry only grew.
'A body this frail must've never faced hardship!'
He was so obsessed he interpreted his gasping breath that way.
Finally, he reached his barracks.
He pushed past startled Holy Knights bowing in surprise and reached the door.
The moment he flung it open
Creak. Asher's body halted.
More precisely, Versia's body that Asher controlled stopped.
A blank expression floated over his face.
He couldn't process the visual input right away.
It was inevitable.
Rub rub
Right before his eyes, the man who'd been him until yesterday was kneading his crotch with curious eyes.
What he was kneading was all too clear.
His cognition couldn't keep up.
In that moment, the Asher Terbion before himthe one moving that bodylet out a moan.
"Wow, dick."
His eyes sparkled.
Asher's lips twitched upward awkwardly.
'Please.'
Please don't let it be what I think, please let someone else be in that bodyAsher let out a voice.
Maybe he shouldn't have.
"Saintess...?"
"Yes?"
He looked up at Asher.
With eyes asking why he was calling.
The reunion with the Saintess was the worst.