Chapter 1: Let's Go to Hell TogetherIn this pure white space, which contained nothing but void and a few plastic chairs, the air was echoing with an extremely harsh and malicious sound of laughter."Pfft... hahahaha! Cardiac arrest! You actually thought you were hit by a tractor, but in reality, you just peed your pants from fear, and ended up dying of heart failure while the doctors and nurses were laughing at you! Hahahaha, Satou Kazuma-san, you are absolutely the most uniquely dead person in these past few hundred years!"The Goddess of Water, Aqua, was rolling back and forth on her high-end sofa without any regard for her image, tears streaming down from laughing, her slender fingers almost poking the tip of Satou Kazuma's nose.And Kazuma, sitting on a crude plastic chair, had a complexion that had turned from white to green, and then from green to purple, his whole person exuding a gloomy aura of "it doesn't matter if the world ends."Just at this incredibly awkward moment, a crack suddenly opened up above their heads.Immediately after, a figure fell, accompanied by an extremely loud "Ouch," and landed heavily on the floor between them in a sprawling, starfish position.Aqua's laughter stopped abruptly. She sat bolt upright like a startled cat, staring vigilantly at this unexpected intruder: "Hey, hey! What's going on? Is the system in the Divine Realm buggy lately? Why did someone suddenly drop down at a time like this!"Kazuma was also stunned. He looked at the young man in front of him—who was wearing standard otaku attire but was unexpectedly quite handsome—and hesitantly asked, "Um... were you also scared to death by a tractor?"Haru rubbed his butt and stood up. Before he could speak, Aqua opened the list of the deceased by her side with a suspicious look.She flipped through it rapidly, then suddenly, her movements froze, followed by a burst of wild laughter even more exaggerated than before, one that almost shattered the ceiling."I can't take it! I'm going to run out of breath! Help!" Aqua frantically slapped the sofa armrest, pointed at Haru, and shouted to Kazuma: "Satou Kazuma! Look! This guy is named Haru, and his cause of death... his cause of death was actually choking to death from laughing too hard while watching the video of you dying! Hahahaha, you two are simply the twin stars of shame in the otaku world!"Kazuma's expression froze instantly.He stared at Haru with the kind of look one would give the murderer of their father, his teeth grinding together:"Hey... you guy, it's one thing to mock me, but you actually died from laughing at me? How much do you want to embarrass me!"Aqua finally managed to stop laughing. While wiping the tears from the corners of her eyes, she sized up Haru with the kind of look one gives trash.Suddenly, as if she had received some order from the Divine Realm, her previously triumphant face instantly collapsed, becoming extremely annoyed."Tch, what is this. The old guys upstairs actually sent a message saying you were sent through a special channel, the so-called 'backdoor'?" She pouted in annoyance, picking her ear with her pinky finger, her attitude becoming extremely nasty, "Listen up, Haru. Although you came in through the backdoor, since you've fallen into the hands of Lady Aqua, don't expect any special treatment! According to the rules, reincarnators can choose one divine artifact or superpower, but—because you are an annoying person who used the backdoor, I have decided to confiscate this right of yours! Just go to the other world empty-handed!"She turned her head to look at Kazuma again, resuming her haughty, arrogant posture: "As for Satou Kazuma, you can choose. Hurry up and finish choosing, I still have to go drink my high-end tea."Kazuma looked at the smirking Aqua, then at Haru, who was standing to the side—looking quite handsome (and very punchable) despite not getting a cheat item.A flash of sinister light flickered in his eyes; it was the precursor to some kind of awakening of his twisted side.Haru coughed awkwardly twice, patted the dust off his body, and stood up.Although Aqua's mockery was as dense as a machine gun, Haru's brain was spinning fast—as an otaku who had only watched the first episode of "Konosuba," Haru had heard from friends that although this world seemed like a comedy, it was actually full of giant frogs that could slap a newbie to death and all kinds of unreasonable monsters, and it seemed like Aqua could infinitely resurrect reincarnators.No cheat item? How is that any different from going to deliver takeout? And the kind where you deliver yourself as the main course!Braving Kazuma's murderous gaze, Haru braced himself, sidled up to him, and whispered: "Hey, Kazuma-san, don't be in such a hurry to get angry. Listen to me, although I did laugh a bit loudly just now, it was because your death was just so artistic. But now is not the time for infighting; look at that idiot sitting on the sofa... ahem, Goddess, she is clearly playing us!"Kazuma glared at Haru sideways, his tone unfriendly: "Huh? Artistic? Do you really want to die again, you guy? Also, who is 'we' with you, you handsome otaku who used the backdoor!"Haru ignored his snark and continued whispering: "Calm down! Think about it, if we just go over there stark naked, we'll definitely be ruined by the Slimes of that world. If the two of us can join forces to bargain with her, maybe we can get some kind of group discount?"Kazuma listened, his eyes flickering slightly; apparently, the words "Slime" and "ruined" had triggered his sense of crisis.Seeing this, Haru immediately turned around, put on a sincere (and utilizing his handsome face) expression, and shouted loudly at Aqua, who was still picking her ear: "Lady Aqua! Beautiful, moving, the Goddess of Water who possesses both wisdom and beauty!"Hearing the praise, Aqua paused, a look of smugness that was very easily bought appearing on her face: "Hmph, although you used the backdoor, your eye for things isn't bad. What, want to beg for mercy?"Haru struck while the iron was hot: "How can you call it begging for mercy? I'm just thinking for you! Look, the two of us are the 'Twin Heroes of Death.' If this spreads to the other world and we end up getting eaten by a Slime on the first day, it would be a loss of face for you, Lady Aqua! People will say: 'Look, the people Lady Aqua sent couldn't even survive for one day.' Think of how much that would affect your reputation!"Aqua was stunned. She seemed to be seriously considering this question, her brows slightly furrowed: "Hmm... now that you mention it, that actually makes some sense. If you die too quickly, my KPI will indeed look very bad..."Kazuma watched Haru's smooth, flowing con job from the side and couldn't help but mutter: "Hey, you guy, you're unexpectedly quite twisted..."Haru ignored him and continued to pressure Aqua: "So, since Kazuma-san can choose a divine artifact, and I'm a special case, why don't you show some mercy and give us a duo collaboration package? Or just change that lousy rule about 'no cheat items for backdoors,' and give me anything for self-defense would be fine!"Aqua was feeling a bit floaty from Haru's flattery. She stood up, akimbo, and looked at the pile of divine artifact cards with a tangled expression: "What a pain... rules are rules. However, if Satou Kazuma is willing to share half his quota with you... no, that won't work either. Hey, Satou Kazuma, have you chosen yet? Pick something powerful, and wouldn't it be fine to just cover this guy who used the backdoor while you're at it?"Kazuma looked at Aqua's perfunctory face, then at Haru; it seemed he hadn't fully digested what had happened today.Haru looked at Aqua, who was still struggling with her reputation, her IQ clearly having dropped below the horizon, and shouted inwardly: Great opportunity!Haru quietly moved closer to Kazuma, bumped his shoulder, and then gave him an extremely deep look, full of the kind of suggestion only men understand.Haru raised his eyebrows, his eyes wandering over Aqua's graceful yet idiot-aura-exuding figure, and then lowered his voice, speaking in a tone like an underground operative meeting a contact:"Hey, Kazuma-san, look at those divine artifacts on the cards, holy swords, demon swords, they sound cool, but what if you lose them or break them? Those are one-time consumables! If we're going to choose, we have to choose something alive, something that can automatically restore mana, heal, and comes with infinite growth attributes—the ultimate cheat. Think about it, what is more useful than a portable source of divine power?"As he spoke, Haru pointed obscurely with his finger at Aqua, who was still there muttering to herself about "whether I'll get a pay cut if I give them a bun," and continued to induce him:"As long as you choose something that can carry people, or simply some existence with a divinity, then wouldn't we be able to walk sideways in that other world? By then, all those giant frogs, wouldn't they just be snacks for our drinks?"Kazuma listened to Haru's words, his originally gloomy face slowly freezing.He followed Haru's finger to look at Aqua, then looked at Haru's handsome face, which was written all over with "let's cause trouble."His brain spun rapidly; some kind of chemical reaction called "twisted" was violently occurring in his otaku soul.Alive? Infinite growth? Portable? Source of divine power?Kazuma's gaze gradually changed from suspicion to shock, finally evolving into an extremely twisted, ecstatic joy filled with the pleasure of revenge.He stared fixedly at Aqua's swaying blue hair, thinking to himself:This guy might be a death-by-laughter idiot, but his suggestion... is simply genius! Since this stinky woman looks down on us so much, I'll drag her into hell with us!
Chapter 2: The Secret of the Goddess"Hey, what are you two whispering about over there!" Aqua finally sensed that the atmosphere was off. She stood with her hands on her hips, urging them with an impatient look on her face, "Satou Kazuma, hurry up and decide! If you dawdle any longer, I'll just shove a kitchen knife that can automatically chop vegetables into your hands and kick you down!"Kazuma gave a cold laugh. He slowly stood up, his movements as elegant as a magician preparing for a final bow.He took a deep breath, extended his right hand, and pointed his index finger straight at the dumbfounded Aqua, announcing loudly in that passionate tone unique to late-stage chuunibyou:"Since I can choose one thing to take to the parallel world, my choice is—you! Goddess Aqua!"The air froze at that moment.Aqua's expression changed from impatience to blankness, and then from blankness to horror.She blinked, pointed at her own nose, and her voice trembled: "...Eh? Me? Did you just say... you choose me?"Just then, a sacred white light that made it impossible to keep one's eyes open suddenly descended from the sky. An angel with small wings on her back, looking ten thousand times more reliable than Aqua, descended from the heavens, holding a glowing document in her hand."Mr. Satou Kazuma, your wish has been accepted. According to the laws of the Divine Realm, the thing chosen by the reincarnated, even if it possesses divinity, must fulfill the contract and accompany them." The angel read expressionlessly, then looked at Aqua, who had already begun to slump on the ground and wail, "Lady Aqua, I will take over the guidance work from here. Please take care.""Wait! This doesn't count! This is cheating! Help—! I don't want to go to a place without potato chips and hot baths, aaaaaah!" Aqua let out a tragic wail. She tried to rush forward and grab the angel's skirt, but was held fast by a massive blue magic circle.Haru stood to the side, watching this utterly absurd scene, and couldn't help but give himself a thumbs-up in his heart.Although he hadn't snagged a divine artifact for himself, he had successfully dragged this idiot goddess down with them. This move could practically be written into the first page of the 'Otaku Survival Guide'.The light of the magic circle grew stronger and stronger, enveloping all three of them—Haru, Kazuma, and Aqua.Kazuma flashed an extremely wicked smile and mocked Aqua, "Since you're a goddess, you'd better take good care of us 'Comedians' once we get there, Lady Aqua!"Haru felt a strong sense of weightlessness wash over him, and the white space before his eyes began to collapse."Haru! You bastard! You definitely said something to him just now! I'll remember you! I'm definitely going to purify you, aaaaaah—!"Amidst Aqua's final screams, the three of them turned into three shooting stars, piercing the tranquility of the Divine Realm and falling straight toward that town of Axel, full of the unknown, poverty, and all sorts of unreliable events."Waaaah! It hurts! It's so cold! What's with this smell of horse manure? Where's my Divine Realm? Where's my high-end sofa? Help, this must be a dream, someone wake me up, aaaaaah!"Aqua lay flat on the ground without a shred of goddess-like image, her hands frantically pounding the earth as she cried piteously. Her voice was so tragic it sounded as if she had just been licked in turns by a hundred giant frogs.Kazuma rubbed his butt and sat up. Although his face was pale, seeing Aqua in such a miserable state made the corners of his mouth turn up slightly, revealing a sinister smile of sweet revenge:"Hehe... this is karma, Lady Aqua. Welcome to the real world. Please look after me in the days to come, 'Deadweight Goddess'."Haru squatted to the side, watching Aqua as she lay on the ground with her butt in the air, wailing. His eyes narrowed slightly.As a veteran otaku, Haru knew the principle that a thief shouldn't leave empty-handed.Since this girl was a goddess, she should have brought some Divine Realm secret treasure, a resurrection potion, or even just a glowing stone, right?While Kazuma was still busy lamenting his life and Aqua was lost in her own world of extreme mental breakdown, Haru moved inconspicuously and silently toward Aqua's side.Whistling a tune, Haru's hands became a blur as he quickly searched through that translucent, light blue raiment and the folds of her skirt.Left pocket... empty.Right waist... nothing but air.Even her high-end-looking circular headpiece felt like ordinary metal when touched; there wasn't the slightest ripple of divine power."Hey... Haru, what are you doing?" Kazuma turned his head, staring with dead-fish eyes at Haru's hands as they constantly roamed over Aqua. He commented in a subtle tone, "I know this idiot is annoying, but isn't molesting a goddess the very first second after reincarnating a bit too... much? Is this what you called'Scumbag Survival Techniques'?"Haru ignored him, his hand sliding up Aqua's slender back, trying to find the legendary "Goddess Relic."However, when Haru's fingertips touched the thin layer of fabric on her back, he froze.Smooth.An incredibly, shockingly smooth sensation.Underneath that backless outfit, Haru didn't feel any horizontal or vertical straps; he couldn't even find the slightest outline of underwear.This... this girl, do goddesses really not wear those things just for the sake of so-called divine aesthetic?!Haru withdrew his hand and looked at his empty palm, unable to help but sigh.This goddess, aside from that face and this troublesome body, was actually so poor she hadn't even brought a single eris down with her.No, to be precise, she didn't even have a single valuable change of clothes on her!"What are you sighing for!" Aqua seemed to finally notice the strangeness behind her. She flipped over abruptly, wiping her nose while glaring at Haru. Her large water-blue eyes were full of terror and grievance, "You were touching me just now, weren't you? You were definitely touching me! You back-door pervert otaku! I'm a goddess! If I'm defiled by your dirty hands, my divinity will drop, waaaaah—!"She cried even louder, even starting to roll around on the ground, using her expensive raiment like a rag to rub against the stone road.Kazuma stood up, patted the dust off his clothes, and looked at the pedestrians in the plaza who had already begun to point and stare. He covered his face in embarrassment: "Enough, stop embarrassing yourself. Haru, although you didn't find anything, we're facing a more serious problem now—the three of us are penniless, and we don't even know where we're sleeping tonight."Haru slowly stood up and brushed the dust off his hands, his expression suddenly becoming more serious than ever before.He lowered his head slightly, letting his bangs cover his eyes to create a heavy atmosphere like a hero returning from an epic battlefield. Then, with steady steps, he walked to Kazuma's side. Under Kazuma's confused and wary gaze, Haru reached out a hand and placed it heavily on his shoulder."Kazuma-san, although my actions just now might have been slightly flawed on a legal and moral level, I must tell you that I have just completed a field investigation worthy of being recorded in the annals of human history."Haru's voice was as low as if he were chanting some ancient incantation. Kazuma was stunned by Haru's inexplicable momentum. He unconsciously swallowed and leaned in closer: "...Hey, what's with that face? Did you find some divine artifact manuscript on her that can instantly defeat the Demon King?"Haru shook his head, then leaned into his ear and, in a voice only the two of them could hear, spat out that shocking secret word by word:"Kazuma-san, I just felt all over her back, not even missing her armpits or waist. I discovered a very incredible fact—that girl calling herself a goddess has absolutely no horizontal or vertical fastening straps on her back. In other words, under that holy-looking raiment, she is likely in an extremely dangerous, extremely 'natural' state of being 'commando'. Simply put, she's not wearing that kind of thing at all."Kazuma's body suddenly stiffened.His dead-fish eyes went wide in an instant, his pupils trembling violently as if he had heard news powerful enough to destroy his worldview.He turned his head stiffly to look at Aqua, who was still rolling and wailing on the ground like a salted fish.In that moment, the way Kazuma looked at Aquachanged.Originally, it was a look of disgust for an idiot and a troublemaker, but now it held a complex expression of respect and inquiry that only existed between men."...Are you serious? Commando? Is such a thing... really possible?" Kazuma's voice was a bit raspy. He reached back and grabbed Haru's arm with incredible strength, "Haru, are you sure you didn't feel wrong? Maybe it's some kind of invisible divine strap?"Haru patted his back with a profound look: "Kazuma-san, you must trust these hands of mine that have perused countless doujins and anime before death. That sensation was definitely genuine skin, without any barrier. Is this what they call divinity? Truly unfathomable."Kazuma took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. The faint, lingering hostility in his eyes toward Harucompletely vanished, replaced by a sense of camaraderie as if they were long-lost brothers.
Chapter 3: The Career Plan"Haru... even though you died more pathetically than I did, I'll admit, you're a trustworthy partner. Since that idiot goddess dared to descend to the mortal world without even wearing underwear, there's no reason for us two comedy acts to back down now.""Hey! What are you two whispering about over there! I feel like you're discussing something incredibly rude!" Lady Aqua finally stopped rolling around. She sat on the ground, wiping tears with the back of her hand, looking suspiciously at the two men with their arms around each other's shoulders. "Especially you, the one who got in through the back door! The way you looked at me just now was like you were looking at some kind of livestock waiting to be slaughtered! How rude! Apologize to me right now, then get down on your knees and kiss my toes to beg for forgiveness!"Haru and Kazuma looked at each other and simultaneously revealed an incredibly synchronized, demonic smirk."Oh, Lady Aqua, we were just marveling at your magnificent divine power, even descending to the mortal realm dressed so... 'lightly'."Kazuma spoke first, his tone carrying a hint of playfulness.Haru followed up immediately: "That's right. In order not to let down your 'frankness,' we've decided to take you to the Guild to experience the local customs of this parallel world. Rest assured, as your followers (self-proclaimed), we will take good care of you."Lady Aqua looked at the two of them and shivered for some reason. She instinctively tightened her hagoromo around her and muttered with her head tucked in:"...Somehow, compared to the Demon King of this world, you two look more like executives of some evil organization."On the streets of Axel, a town filled with medieval fantasy flair where even the air smelled faintly of horse manure and cheap ale, two recently reincarnated shut-ins stood in the middle of the road, arguing until they were red in the face over their first step in life."Listen, Kazuma-san! As a reincarnated person, I strongly suggest we go straight outside the city to find some weak-looking Slimes or Giant Toads to level up!" Haru waved his fist, excitedly describing a grand blueprint. "As long as we kill a few monsters, we can get gold coins to drop, then swap for cool capes and staves, and start our path to a harem... no, our path as heroes!"Kazuma looked at Haru with a face full of disgust, his dead-fish eyes questioning whether his brain had been fried by laughter. "Wake up, Haru! Is being a reincarnated person that big of a deal? You don't even have a wooden stick to poke a Slime with right now! What if the Slime we meet is a special breed that spits strong acid and melts clothes instantly? Do you want us two grown men running naked on the grass of another world?"He pointed to a construction site nearby where timber was being moved, his tone firm. "Steady wins the race! We should go to the construction site and haul bricks for a day to earn enough money for two cheap changes of clothes before registering at the Guild. Without start-up capital, you can't even get a sip of water in this world!""Haul bricks? I'm a future Archwizard! Have you ever seen a wizard sweating on a construction site on their first day of reincarnation?" Haru looked resistant. "That's a desecration of the magical arts! We should go to the Guild and see if there are any special quests that can be completed just by being handsome!""Can being handsome put food on the table? This is another world, not a host club!" Kazuma retorted mercilessly. "And with that body of yours that doesn't look like a shut-in's at all, not hauling bricks is a waste of talent! You can carry three times as many as anyone else; we'll get rich in no time!"Haru and Kazuma went back and forth, neither able to convince the other. Just as the argument fell into an infinite loop, the strange looks from passersby made them both feel a surge of embarrassment.At that moment, their movements synchronized eerily—the bickering stopped abruptly, their heads turned stiffly ninety degrees, and two pairs of eyes filled with demonic vibes and some evil plan landed squarely on Lady Aqua, who was squatting by the roadside trying to draw circles in the corner with her finger.Lady Aqua seemed to feel a chill strong enough to freeze her soul. She stopped her finger and her back stiffened suddenly.She turned her head tremblingly and saw two men staring at her with eyes that looked like they were viewing a money tree or high-end labor."...W-what?" Lady Aqua instinctively pulled her shoulders in, shielding her chest with her hands, her voice carrying a hint of a sob. "What's with those looks? I'm a goddess! Although my divine power is a bit unstable right now, I am still the noble, worshipped Lady Aqua! You guys aren't thinking of selling me to some strange place for money, are you? Absolutely not! That kind of thing would definitely be punished by the Heavens!"Kazuma rubbed his chin, the corners of his mouth curling into a dangerous arc. "Hey, Haru. It just occurred to me, since this girl is a goddess, she must have a lot of'specialties,' right? Like the kind of performance that makes passersby unable to resist pulling out their wallets?"Haru understood immediately and gave a sinister chuckle. "Exactly, Kazuma-san. I was also thinking, since she didn't bring any divine relics down, her clothes and that blue hair are the best advertisements themselves. Besides, wasn't she quite loud back in the judgment room? With that lung capacity, she'd be a natural at street performance or shouting to attract customers.""P-performance? Shouting?" Lady Aqua's eyes widened, and she pointed at herself in disbelief. "You actually want the great Goddess of Water to do such lowly work? Are you crazy! I'm here to guide you to defeat the Demon King, not to be your cash cow!"Kazuma approached step by step, his tone becoming extremely gentle yet full of threat. "Lady Aqua, reality is cruel. If you don't want to sleep in a stable tonight or starve until you're gnawing on roadside weeds because you have no money for bread, you'd better show your value as a goddess now. Otherwise..."Haru followed up with a final blow: "Otherwise, we'll have no choice but to write the secret of the commando goddess on flyers and distribute them all over Axel. By then, you might truly become the most famous person in town."Lady Aqua's face turned from blue to white, then from white to green.Looking at these two shut-ins in cahoots, she finally realized what kind of 'demons' she had fallen into the hands of."Waaaaah! You two demons! Scum! Shut-ins! Perverts! Back-doorers!" Lady Aqua let out a cry of despair, but between hunger and dignity, she was clearly starting to waver. "...T-then at least, shouldn't we eat something first?"Haru felt his empty pockets, then listened to the rhythmic, loud rumbling of Lady Aqua's stomach. The expression on his face gradually evolved from helplessness into a deep wisdom, as if he had seen through the underlying logic of how society operates.He threw an arm around Kazuma's neck and pointed at the building ahead that wafted the tempting scent of fried chicken and ale—the Adventurers Guild—lowering his voice with a tone of unquestionable decisiveness:"Kazuma-san, I have a plan. A perfect closed-loop solution that solves our physical hunger and our employment problem at the same time."Kazuma squinted at Haru, his eyes full of distrust. "...Haru, although we're comrades-in-arms now, your pyramid-scheme-leader tone makes me feel very uneasy. You're not going to say we should rob the rich to help the poor, are you? For the record, I don't even have the strength to mug an old lady."Haru gave a contemptuous chuckle and wagged his index finger. "No, no, no, how could we do something illegal like that? What we're going to do is a human resource exchange. Listen, since we're penniless, we'll just go in and have a big meal. When it's time to pay, we'll confidently spread our hands and say we have no money. According to the logic of this world, they'll definitely drag us to the kitchen to wash dishes to pay off the debt, right?"Haru patted his chest, continuing to bluff as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "Think about it, isn't washing dishes a job? Being forced to wash dishes is the same as being hired! This is called 'onboarding first, paying later.' Not only does it fill our stomachs, but it also skips the tedious interview process. It's simply a genius career shortcut!"Kazuma listened, dumbfounded. He opened his mouth as if to retort, but was stunned by Haru's self-consistent, twisted logic.His dead-fish eyes darted around quickly, and finally, he actually nodded slowly, revealing an expression that said 'this is scummy but it makes sense':"...Hey, you guy, you're a total demon. This method of packaging a dine-and-dash as a forced hiring makes even a shut-in like me feel inferior. However, if I can really eat those fried chicken legs... I guess I could consider it."
Chapter 4: The Three Schemers"D-Dine and dash?!" Aqua's face flushed red as she listened from the side, though it was hard to tell if it was from excitement or shame. She shouted at the top of her lungs, "I am the goddess Lady Aqua, worshipped by the Axis Order! If word got out that I was caught washing dishes because of a dine and dash, those fanatical believers would cry themselves to death! They'd absolutely cry themselves to death!"Haru turned his head and gave her a cold glance, his tone completely flat. "Lady Aqua, would you rather starve to death on the streets of this fantasy world as a goddess, only for your soul to drift back to the Divine Realm and be mocked by that angel? Or would you rather be a goddess of the people who understands their plight, washes dishes with her own hands, and starts her legendary journey in another world after a full meal?"Aqua's throat bobbed violently. Her gaze was locked onto a waiter passing the guild entrance with a massive steak, and drool was already beginning to drip onto her expensive divine raiment."...W-Washing dishes and such, if it's for the sake of saving my starving subjects (meaning herself), then I suppose it's a form of spiritual training?" Wiping away her drool, Aqua put on an incredibly easy-to-compromise saintly smile. "That's right! This is a goddess's mercy! To prevent that shop's food from going to waste because no one ate it, I'll begrudgingly 'join the staff' for a bit!"Haru and Kazuma exchanged a glance, both revealing wicked smiles that said their plan had succeeded."Alright! Target: the Adventurers Guild cafeteria! Kazuma-san, remember to order the most expensive items later. The dishwashing time will be the same anyway!""No problem, Haru! I want that premium fruit juice with ice cubes. I'll even accept washing dishes for a month!"And so, the three of them strode through the doors of the Axel Adventurers Guild with a tragic air of determination, as if they were marching toward their deaths (to wash dishes).Inside the guild, the steaming aroma of food hit them, and rowdy Adventurers were gathered together, bragging and drinking.Haru and the others found the most conspicuous seats and sat down. Haru slammed the table and shouted at a busy waiter:"Waiter! Bring us one of every signature dish you have, the most expensive ones! And three barrels... no, six barrels of chilled ale! We're celebrating our big employment day!"The waiter looked at the trio's shabby outfits, then at Haru's impossibly handsome face and Aqua's magnificent (yet filthy) clothes. Though a bit puzzled, he gave an enthusiastic response: "Right away! Please wait a moment, guests, it's coming right up!"Aqua was already wiggling in her seat with excitement, while Kazuma was quietly calculating exactly how many dishes they'd have to wash for this meal.On the long table of the Adventurers Guild, steaming roasted steaks, golden crispy fried chicken legs, and chilled ale with fine foam were lined up one after another.In the eyes of the surrounding Adventurers, who had only ordered a plate of cabbage and a cup of low-quality ale, this overly lavish 'dine and dash' feast looked like three nouveau riche having their final banquet."Mmm-mmm! This steak... this texture! Is this the taste of another world? It's ten thousand times better than those dry offerings in the Divine Realm!" Aqua attacked the food with both hands, a chicken leg in one and a large mug of ale in the other. Her face was greasy, and tears of emotion hung from the corners of her eyes, having completely forgotten her earlier protest against washing dishes.On the surface, Haru was also feasting heartily, even thoughtfully handing Aqua a napkin, but his eyes, flickering with a cunning light, kept darting between the guild entrance and the bill.Hmph, Kazuma-san, you're still too young.Haru sneered in his heart.Even though I was the one who suggested washing dishes, that was just an excuse to keep you two steady.As long as I eat fast enough, I can use the excuse of going to the bathroom to slip away before the waiter comes to collect the plates. Then this astronomical bill can only be settled by the goddess and the shut-in left behind.After all, the iron rule of the shut-in world is: whoever stays behind pays the bill!Haru accelerated his chewing, not even bothering to spit out bones as he precisely stuffed every piece of meat into his mouth.However, when Haru caught a glimpse of Kazumaout of the corner of his eye, he realized things weren't that simple.Kazuma was currently chugging ale at an incredibly eerie frequency. His movements were mechanical and efficient. While his dead-fish eyes were fixed on his plate, his body showed a tension as if he were ready to sprint at any moment.Even while eating meat, his toes had already quietly turned toward the guild's side exit.Wait a minute, that look in his eyes...Haru's heart skipped a beat.With that devilish expression that screamed 'better you die than me,' could it be that he also wants to...?!"Haru, why did you stop eating? Do you have a poor appetite?" Kazuma suddenly looked up, flashing an incredibly bright (and fake) smile as he pushed the last plate of french fries toward Haru. "Here, eat more. You'll definitely be doing heavy labor when we start work later. How can you manage without a full stomach?"Haru looked at the plate of fries, then at Kazuma's face which practically shouted 'Hurry up and eat so I can run.' His lip twitched, and he immediately returned an equally bright smile. "Oh, Kazuma-san, you're so thoughtful. But I think I just saw a pretty lady at the counter looking at you. Is your 'otherworld romance' about to blossom? Why don't you go over and say hi first?""No way, no way. I think she's looking at a handsome guy like you who got in through the back door," Kazuma countered with a forced smile, his butt already hovering a few centimeters off the bench."Burp—!" Aqua let out a belch that echoed through the guild. She patted her stomach with satisfaction, completely oblivious to the competitive tension between the two men that was practically throwing sparks. "Ah, I'm stuffed! Hey, why did you two stop moving? Are you mesmerized by my elegant eating style? It's fine. As long as you offer me delicious food like this every day, I, Lady Aqua, might just bless you!"Just then, the waiter walked over with an alarmingly long bill, a professional smile on his face. "Guests, the total is 18,500 eris. Who will be paying?"Haru and Kazuma jumped up at almost the exact same second, their movements as synchronized as highly trained special forces."I'm going to the bathroom!" Haru shouted."My stomach suddenly hurts, where's the bathroom?!" Kazuma roared at the same time.Just as the two were about to bolt for different exits, they found Aqua clutching the bill with a blank expression, then saying to the waiter in an incredibly innocent and matter-of-fact tone:"Paying? What are you talking about? I'm a goddess, how can eating cost money? Besides, these two men just said they are my wallets. Just ask them for it!"As she spoke, she reached out her greasy little hands and death-gripped the hems of Haru and Kazuma's clothes, for fear that her 'ATMs' would run away.At that moment, Haru and Kazuma locked eyes, and both read nothing but despair in the other's gaze.The lights of the Axel Adventurers Guild seemed a bit dim, but in the eyes of Haru and Satou Kazuma, nothing was more glaring than Aqua's greasy hands, which were clamped onto their clothes like iron pincers.The air seemed to freeze.The rowdy noise from the drunken Adventurers nearby became distant background noise in this moment.Haru slowly turned his head. His gaze passed over Aqua's blue hair, which was still flecked with fried chicken crumbs, and met Kazuma's dead-fish eyes, which were trembling with equal parts horror and despair.In that 0.1-second eye contact, a massive amount of information exchanged between their minds like a flood:'You wanted to run too?''Duh, do you think I want to wash dishes?''Then why did you jump at the same time as me?''Because we're both scumbags!'But the most important piece of information exploded like thunder in the depths of their consciousness, reaching an unprecedented consensus: 'This blue-haired goddess has probably seen through everything long ago. She actually managed to elegantly and calmly cut off both our escape routes.'"Hehe... hehehe..." Aqua tilted her head, her face showing a mix of post-meal satisfaction and a cunning 'caught-red-handed' smile. Her large water-blue eyes shimmered with a nearly transparent stupidity, but the strength in her hands was incredibly formidable. "You two, were you just about to say something about the bathroom and then never come back? Those little tricks are long outdated in the Divine Realm! As your guiding goddess, I have a duty to supervise you and ensure you live honestly and faithfully in this world!""Honest and faithful my foot! You're clearly dragging us down with you!" Kazuma finally couldn't help but roar, frantically shaking his arm in an attempt to break free from the hand that followed him like a shadow. "Let go! You useless goddess! The thing I regret most in my life is listening to Haru's nonsense and bringing you down here! What can you do besides eating and crying?!"Haru took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down.Although he could mentally simulate countless escape moves in an instant, the outcome of every scenario involved Aqua crying and screaming while hugging his leg, drawing the attention of the entire guild."Give up, Kazuma-san." Haru's shoulders slumped with a look of total defeat, his tone carrying a sense of the absurd. "We underestimated the power of a god. That curse of 'if I'm going to hell, I'm taking you with me'... Is this the majesty of a deity? It's truly too heavy to bear."The waiter maintained that chillingly professional smile. He lightly tapped the bill, his tone polite but carrying an unquestionable threat. "Well then, guests, it seems you've reached an agreement. Since you have no money to pay, please follow me to the kitchen. Our dishes are piled as high as a mountain, and we just happen to be short on a few quick-handed newcomers.""Waaahhh! Washing dishes! I'm really going to wash dishes!" As soon as she heard about the mountain of dishes, Aqua's tear ducts broke down again. She clung to Haru and Kazuma like a stray cat being forced into a bath. "Save me! Haru! Kazuma! Quickly use your wicked intelligence to think of something! I'll do anything as long as I don't have to wash dishes..."Haru looked at the goddess who was wailing and making a complete fool of herself in the middle of the guild, then at Kazuma, whose eyes had rolled back as he entered an out-of-body state. He could only let out a long sigh."Let's go, Kazuma-san." Haru walked with heavy steps, dragging the blue baggage (Aqua) hanging from his arm toward the small door leading to dishwashing hell. "Just think of it as experiencing life. After all, if we can't even clean the guild's dishes, how can we save this world full of trouble?""Who wants to save the world! I just want to find an air-conditioned room and play games!"Kazuma's wails gradually faded behind the kitchen curtain.
Chapter 5: A Pure, Natural, and Pollution-Free Aura of StupidityThe air in the kitchen was thick with the lemony scent of dish soap and the rancid smell of aged grease, blending into a unique aroma known as Corporate Slave Hell.Haru mechanically repeated the actions of scrubbing, rinsing, and stacking, his eyes as hollow as if he were performing some kind of Zen meditation.Beside him, Kazuma also had a face of deathly gray; those dead-fish eyes seemed to have lost their highlights, with only his arms still frantically scrubbing plates based on muscle memory."Hey, Kazuma-san," Haru suddenly spoke, his voice low as if coming from the bottom of a well, "Tell me, if we hadn't chosen this useless goddess back then, but instead picked a divine sword capable of a one-hit kill, would we be sitting at a King's banquet right now, surrounded by beauties and enjoying the treatment of heroes?"Kazuma's movements paused for a moment. He didn't look up, only responding in an equally lifeless voice: "That kind of thing... I don't even dare to imagine it. However, if it were me, I'd probably choose some kind of divine artifact that grants invisibility or X-ray vision. After all, those things are a man's romance."Haru turned his head to look at Kazuma's face—tired, yet still exuding a hint of wretchedness—and an involuntary bitter smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.At that moment, their gazes met again, as if they saw another version of themselves in each other's grease-filled, exhausted pupils—the self that also longed for something for nothing, was equally full of perverted thoughts, and similarly fell apart at critical moments yet somehow managed to survive."Heh... It seems the two of us really are a match made in heaven," Haru laughed self-deprecatingly, handing a freshly washed plate to Kazuma. "Though I hate to admit it, meeting a piece of trash like you in a hellhole like this actually gives me a sliver of peace of mind.""Same here," Kazuma took the plate and skillfully shook off the excess water. "Even though you're a complete scumbag, at least you're a scumbag who can roll in the mud with me. In this world full of monsters, that's more reliable than any divine sword."Just as this strange, sour-smelling sense of mutual appreciation was about to sublimate into something resembling 'bromance,' a crisp, heartbreaking sound of shattering broke the silence of the kitchen.Crash—!Haru and Kazuma both whipped their heads around as if struck by lightning, just in time to see Aquastanding innocently amidst a pile of white shards. She was still clutching the remains of half a plate, her blue hair was covered in soap suds, and her large, watery eyes were looking at them in terror."Ah... well... this plate... it just slipped down on its own! Really! I was clearly holding it tight! The grease on it must have been too slippery! Or maybe the plate had a crack in it already! It's definitely not my fault!" Aqua defended herself incoherently while trying to use her foot to kick the shards under the cabinet to hide them."Hey! How many does that make today?!" Kazumainstantly exploded, rushing over to grab Aqua's shoulders and shaking her violently. "Do you know how much one plate costs? That's 100 eris! With this one break, that whole pile of plates we just washed was for nothing! Are you an undercover agent sent by the Demon King? Are you here specifically to increase our debt?!"Haru looked at the pile of shards on the floor, feeling his blood pressure soar. He took a deep breath, walked up to Aqua, and pressed down on her hand with an extremely serious expression:"Lady Aqua, so that the three of us don't end up washing dishes in this kitchen until our next lives, I have a very sincere suggestion."Aqua blinked her eyes, looking expectant: "Wh-what suggestion? Is it that I don't have to wash anymore?""Exactly." Haru nodded and pointed to the huge wooden bucket in the corner used for dirty water. "From now on, you only need to be responsible for sitting there. Even if you just space out, sleep, or count ants, it will be far more valuable than you touching a single plate. Do you understand?"Aqua froze for a moment, then immediately showed an insulted expression: "Ha? What do you mean by that? Are you saying I can't even handle a low-level job like washing dishes? I am the all-powerful Goddess of Water! Once I get serious...""I beg you! Don't get serious!" Kazuma practically knelt on the ground and hugged Aqua's leg, weeping bitterly. "We're begging you not to be serious! As long as you do nothing, it's the greatest blessing you can give us! Really! Please!"Looking at the two men who were on the verge of a breakdown, Aqua finally realized the gravity of the situation.She sniffled, somewhat aggrievedly set down the half-plate in her hand, and silently walked over to a small stool in the corner. She sat down, hugging her knees and burying her face in them, letting out a whimper like an abandoned puppy."Uwah... mortals these days are so hard to please... I just wanted to help..."Haru and Kazuma glanced at each other and breathed a simultaneous sigh of relief.Although they had one more mouth to feed that didn't work, at least their debt wouldn't continue to grow exponentially."Alright, Kazuma-san, forget about that useless goddess." Haru rolled up his sleeves again, his eyes becoming determined. "For our freedom, and so we can sleep somewhere halfway decent tonight, let's give it our all!""Oh! For freedom! For never washing dishes again!" Kazuma also rekindled his fighting spirit.The rhythmic sound of scrubbing echoed in the kitchen once more, but this time, with one less source of trouble, there was an added sense of silent understanding and tragic heroism between the two men.The mountain of plates in the kitchen was finally leveled. Haru shook his aching arms and looked at the blue figure huddled in the corner drawing circles in the air, unable to resist complaining to Kazumabeside him:"Hey, Kazuma-san. Do you think this girl... could be faking it? Purposely breaking plates and then acting all pitiful just to make us think she's useless, so she can guiltlessly push all the work onto us?"Haru narrowed his eyes, sizing up Aqua from head to toe, trying to find a flaw in her acting on that face which screamed 'I'm very aggrieved but I'm still cute': "She is a goddess, after all. Having lived so long, maybe she's seen through the human psyche and knows how to use our sympathy to slack off. This is the highest level of workplace slacking!"Kazuma stopped drying his hands, his dead-fish eyes slowly turning toward Aqua. His gaze became deep and sharp, as if he were conducting a philosophical inquiry concerning the future of humanity."I've suspected it too," Kazuma lowered his voice, his tone as serious as if discussing state secrets. "When she broke the plate just now, I specifically observed her micro-expressions. That terror, that helplessness, that stupid move of even wanting to eat the shards to destroy the evidence..."He paused, took a deep breath, and then heavily shook his head: "No, Haru. I can tell you with full responsibility that it's definitely not acting. No Oscar-winning actress could perform such pure stupidity so naturally. It's an aura of stupidity that comes from the depths of the soul—pure, natural, and pollution-free."Haru watched as Aqua tried to turn a passing cockroach into holy water, only to be scared by the cockroach and jump onto the stool, shivering. His lip couldn't help but twitch."...Fine, you're right." Haru had to admit this cruel reality. "If it were an act, the price she paid to avoid washing dishes would be too high. Giving up even her dignity as a goddess just to wash a few fewer plates? Only a true idiot would make such a losing bargain.""That's why I'm saying..." Kazuma patted Haru's shoulder, his tone carrying the desolation of shared misfortune. "We're really screwed this time. We brought along a dead weight who can't fight, can't tank, and can't even handle logistics. These days are going to be long, brother."Just then, Aqua seemed to finally notice the looks they were giving her—the kind one gives to a mentally challenged child.She jumped down from the stool, stood with her hands on her hips righteously, and pointed at the pile of clean plates, shouting loudly:"Hmph! What are you looking at?! If this Goddess hadn't been using her divine power to grant you a 'Dishwashing Efficiency UP' blessing from the side, do you think you could have finished so fast? Hurry up and thank me!"Haru and Kazuma looked at each other and simultaneously gave that helpless smile of 'just as expected.'"Yes, yes, thank you for the blessing, Lady Aqua," Haru responded perfunctorily, then turned toward the kitchen door. "Let's go, Kazuma-san. Let's settle up with the proprietress and see if we can get some leftovers for dinner. As for this great contributor... let her stay here and bask in her own glory.""Hey! Wait for me! I want dinner too!" As soon as Aqua heard there was food, she immediately threw her goddess airs to the wind and scurried after them like a little tag-along.Stepping out of the kitchen, the sky outside had already darkened.Night in Axel began to get lively, and the tavern was filled with the laughter and chatter of Adventurers.Meanwhile, Haru and the other two had just finished their first job in another world. Penniless, they still had to face the grim question of where to sleep tonight.
Chapter 6: Wisdom Deficiency DisorderIn the Adventurers Guild hall, the night's bustle surged like a tide.Lin Ye and Satou Kazuma dragged their lead-heavy legs to the counter.Behind the counter, the receptionist Miss Luna was busy organizing a stack of quest forms. Her golden curls shimmered with a warm glow under the light, and her large chest quivered slightly with her movements, radiating a reassuring maternal aura."Um... Miss Miss Luna." Haru cleared his throat and forced a smile that looked worse than crying. "Working so late must be hard. Actually, we have a small request..."Miss Luna looked up, revealing a professional sweet smile: "Ah, you're the three newcomers who were washing dishes in the kitchen just now, right? Is the work going well? Is there anything I can help you with?"Haru and Kazuma exchanged a glance and instantly entered Oscar-worthy acting mode."Actually..." Kazuma sniffled, a single tear actually squeezing out from the corner of his eye. He pointed at Aqua in the distance, who was face-down on a table trying to turn a piece of wood into fried chicken with a fork, his voice choking up. "We have no other choice. Look at that blue-haired girl... she's our sister.""Sister?" Miss Luna looked where he was pointing, just in time to see Aqua, frustrated by her inability to create fried chicken, stab the fork into the table and then, unable to pull it out, end up dangling off the edge of the table."Yes." Haru took over, his tone so somber it sounded like he was recounting a tragic family history. "She's had... that... since she was little. The doctor said it's Congenital Wisdom Deficiency Disorder. To cure her, we spent all our savings, even sold our family home, and brought her to this town rumored to have a divine doctor. But... but..."Haru paused intentionally, wiping away non-existent tears with the back of his hand. "But that meal just now cost us the last of our travel funds. Now, we're penniless and don't even know where we'll stay tonight. If it were just us two men, it wouldn't matter—we could sleep on the streets. But that retard... I mean, that poor sister of ours, if she ends up on the streets, she'll definitely be tricked by bad people!"Miss Luna watched Aqua in the distance, who was now trying to headbutt the table to dislodge the fork, and a look of deep sympathy appeared in her eyes."Oh my... so that's how it is." Miss Luna covered her mouth, her eyes reddening slightly. "I thought that child looked... a bit simple-minded. So there was such a story. You two brothers are truly great; it must have been so hard taking care of a sister like that."Just then, Aqua finally pulled the fork out, but because she used too much force, she tumbled backward and landed flat on her butt. Instead of crying, she held up the fork and laughed foolishly: "Hehe! It's out! I'm a genius!" Then she casually stuffed the fork, covered in wood chips and dust, into her mouth.Seeing this, Miss Luna completely believed their tall tale."In that case..." Miss Luna sighed and pulled a somewhat rusty key from under the counter. "Although the guild's guest rooms cost money, there's a stable in the backyard used for storing hay. It's a bit simple, but at least it provides shelter and it's quite warm. If you don't mind, I can let you stay there for free.""A stable?!" Kazuma was about to protest but was immediately pressed down by Haru."Thank you so much! Miss Miss Luna, you're a living saint!" Haru gripped Miss Luna's hand tightly, taking the opportunity to feel it up a bit, looking overwhelmed with gratitude. "Anywhere to lie down is fine! For people like us wandering with a mentally disabled sister, a stable is practically heaven!""Don't say that; we're all Adventurers, helping each other is only right." Miss Luna smiled gently and handed them a few pieces of hard bread from behind the counter. "These are leftovers from today; take them if you don't mind. Especially that child... she looks so thin, she must be starving, right?"Haru took the bread, silently giving Miss Luna a thumbs up in his heart.Now this is a true goddess! Ten thousand times better than that blue-haired girl who only knows how to eat and cause trouble!Holding the key and the bread, Haru and Kazumawalked over to the still-giggling Aqua."Let's go, retard sister." Haru stuffed a piece of bread into her mouth, cutting off the question she was about to ask. "Tonight we're staying in the Royal Stable Suite, with free French hard bread for a late-night snack. Happy?""Mmph mmph (Really)?!" Aqua asked with her mouth full of bread, her eyes sparkling. "Is there a soft bed? Are there those scented pillows?""Yes, of course." Kazuma rolled his eyes and pushed her toward the back door. "There's an all-natural hay mattress and air filled with the scent of nature—or horse manure. It's practically tailor-made for you."The air in the stable was a mix of the fresh scent of hay and the unique fragrance of horse manure. Dim moonlight filtered through the gaps in the wooden planks, casting a subtle and suggestive atmosphere on the ground.A few old horses were snorting in the corner, occasionally flicking their tails to drive away non-existent insects.The three of them stood before a pile of hay that looked reasonably clean, the atmosphere feeling a bit strange.Aqua was clearly very excited by this camping experience. Like a puppy just out of its cage, she pounced onto the hay and rolled around. Her long blue hair fanned out, and a few strands of hay even stuck to her face, but this didn't detract from her natural beauty in the slightest.Her signature miniskirt fluttered with her movements, and her partially visible thighs—along with the suggestive vacuum setting—looked exceptionally alluring in the dim light."Wow! It's so soft! It's a bit prickly, but it's much more comfortable than that rock-hard crystal bed in the Divine Realm!" Aqua hugged a bundle of hay and rubbed against it, a silly smile on her face, completely unaware of the burning and complex gazes the two men beside her were giving her.Haru and Kazuma stood to the side, ostensibly smoothing out their own bedding, but in reality, a silent war was raging in both their minds.*Even though this girl is a retard...*Haru stole a glance at Aqua's defenseless sleeping face, his Adam's apple bobbing involuntarily.*But... she's damn good-looking! And she's a goddess! If I could sleep next to her, even just to smell that legendary divine aura—though it's all horse manure right now—it would be worth ending my lifelong virginity for!*Haru turned his head and locked eyes with Kazuma's dead-fish eyes, which were similarly flickering with the flames of desire.*This guy... is thinking the same thing, isn't he?*Haru sneered inwardly.*Satou Kazuma, we might be brothers when it comes to swindling, but on a matter concerning a man's dignity and benefits, I will absolutely not back down!*"Um... Haru." Kazuma suddenly spoke, his voice a bit raspy, a hypocritically serious expression on his face. "Look, Aqua is a girl after all, and a... cough, a girl whose head isn't quite right. If any rats or bugs crawl over at night, she'll definitely cry. To protect our sister, I feel it's my responsibility to sleep next to her and guard her safety at all times.""Huh? Kazuma-san, what are you saying?" Haruimmediately countered, wearing the same kind of self-righteous smile. "How could I let you handle such a dangerous task? Besides, I'm an expert at pest control; I guarantee not even a single mosquito will fly within a one-meter radius of her.""No, no, no, let me do it. I've been used to taking care of clumsy types like her since I was a kid; I have experience."As Kazuma spoke, he inconspicuously moved a step closer to Aqua."How could that be okay? I'm a man who aspires to be a guardian of beauty. Please, you must let me have this training opportunity!"Haru also squeezed over without backing down, trying to block Kazuma's path with his body.Just as the two were bickering over who would sleep in the middle and even starting to shove each other, Aqua—who had already wrapped herself up like a hay roll—Sudden poked her head out and looked at them in confusion:"Hey, what are you two doing? Like two dogs fighting over a bone. There's plenty of room here; can't we all just squeeze in together?"She patted the empty space beside her and gave a pure, innocent smile: "Come on, come on! It's a bit tight, but it's very warm! And I have a goddess's divine protection; sleeping next to me will give you sweet dreams!"At that moment, Haru and Kazuma's movements froze simultaneously.The shock of being invited by a goddess to share a bed—even if it was in a stable—caused the brains of these two perpetual virgins to instantly overload.Squeeze in... very warm... sweet dreams...These keywords looped infinitely in their minds like a gospel from heaven."Since the Goddess herself has said so..." Kazumaswallowed hard, his expression instantly becoming incredibly pious. "Then we shall humbly obey.""Exactly. To avoid disappointing the Goddess's kindness, we have no choice but to reluctantly squeeze in." Haru also immediately adopted a saint-like face and quickly took the spot to Aqua's left.And so, on this night filled with the scent of horse manure and hay, two scheming Adventurers and one brainless goddess squeezed tightly together.Although they were separated by thick clothes, and although Aqua soon began to snore ungracefully, for the two virgins, it was still the most exciting night of their life in another world.Of course, that's ignoring the part where Aquasuddenly rolled over in the middle of the night, kicked Kazuma in the face, and mumbled in her sleep, "Another bowl of fried chicken..."And the fact that Haru was so nervous he didn't dare move all night, resulting in a backache the next day. But other than that, it was indeed a wonderful night.
Chapter 7: Absolute Safety ZoneThe first rays of morning light filtered through the cracks in the dilapidated roof of the stable, piercing the dim air like sharp swords and illuminating the dancing dust motes.A few old horses were already awake, boredly chewing on hay with rhythmic crunching sounds.Haru slowly opened his eyes, and the first thing he saw was Aqua's sleeping face right in front of him.It had to be said that when she kept her mouth shut, didn't speak, and didn't move, Aqua truly possessed the top-tier beauty worthy of the name "Goddess."The morning light spilled over her waterfall-like Aqua-blue hair, as if plating it with a layer of divine gold; her defenseless sleeping face was as pure as a world-famous painting.However, Haru's heart was terrifyingly calm.No racing heartbeat, no blushing face—even the physiological reaction a healthy male should have in the morning was... completely absent.Haru just looked at her as if he were looking at an exquisite marble statue, or perhaps a particularly good-looking head of cabbage."...Hey, Haru."A trembling whisper came from beside him.Haru turned his head and saw that Kazuma had woken up at some point.He was huddled in the corner, his hands death-gripped over his crotch, his face as pale as a mummified corpse that had been drained of its essence overnight; those dead-fish eyes were filled with unprecedented horror and despair."S-Something terrible has happened..." Kazuma's voice carried a sob. He signaled with his eyes toward the still-snoring Aqua, then looked down at his lower body in despair. "My body... seems to be broken. Even though such a super-beautiful girl is sleeping right next to me, and she's commando too... but, but my... it actually has no reaction at all! It's as calm as if it were dead! Am I... did I lose my dignity as a man during the transmigration process?!"Haru looked at Kazuma's expression, which looked like the sky was falling, and his heart sank sharply.Because Haru had discovered the same problem—that sense of sanctity known as 'Sage Mode' was currently filling his entire body."Calm down, Kazuma-san." Haru swallowed, forcibly suppressing the panic in his heart, and reached out to pat his shoulder. "Actually... I'm the same. When I first lay down last night, I definitely had some thoughts, but the closer I got to her, the faster those worldly desires vanished. By now, I even feel like I could immediately leave home to become a monk.""Huh? You too?" Kazuma froze for a moment, and the despair in his eyes receded slightly, replaced by a deep confusion and suspicion. "Could it be... it's not a problem with our bodies? But rather..."Both of their gazes turned simultaneously toward the still-sleeping Aqua.She seemed to be having a wonderful dream; a trace of crystalline drool leaked from the corner of her mouth as she mumbled incoherently, "Hehe... another bottle of Bubbly Wine... put it on Kazuma's tab..."In that instant, the truth hit their skulls like a bolt of lightning."Case closed." Haru let out a long sigh, his eyes becoming incredibly clear (the dead-fish eye version). "It's not that we're incompetent; it's that this person is toxic. That 'divine' aura on her automatically purifies all evil thoughts in the vicinity. Coupled with her disappointing personality and IQ... as long as you get close to her, any sexual atmosphere is instantly dismantled, transformed into a solemn sense of either taking care of a mentally challenged daughter or worshipping an unknown divine statue.""In other words..." Kazuma released his grip on his crotch and leaned against the wall as if exhausted, letting out a long breath of relief. "She's a walking Libido-Crusher? A natural Chemical Castrator?""Correct."Haru nodded, giving an affirmative answer.Just then, the Libido-Crusher woke up.Aqua rubbed her bleary eyes, gave a massive yawn, and sat up without any shred of dignity, casually wiping the drool from the corner of her mouth."Ah... is it morning? I slept so well last night!" She stretched, and in that moment, her beautiful curves were fully revealed, but Haru and Kazuma just watched expressionlessly, their hearts completely unperturbed, even feeling a bit like laughing."Morning, Haru, Kazuma." Aqua blinked her large eyes at them. "Why do you both look so terrible? Did you not sleep well? I told you, mortal bodies are just fragile. Unlike me—as long as there's hay, I can sleep like I'm on a cloud!""No, we slept very well." Kazuma stood up and brushed the bits of straw off himself, his tone carrying the relief of a survivor. "Thanks to you, Aqua. You made us realize that some things are more important than beauty... and that's the atmosphere.""Huh? What weird things are you saying?" Aquatilted her head, completely failing to understand."It's nothing, let's go." Haru stood up, feeling his bodily functions gradually returning (as long as he stayed a bit further from Aqua). "Let's go to the Guild and see if there's any work. Since our bodies are fine, it's time to consider how to fill our stomachs."Although the misunderstanding about their bodies being broken was resolved, both of them had developed a brand-new perception of Aqua—she was an absolute safety zone that could only be looked at, not touched, and not even thought about.In the morning Guild hall, Adventurers had already begun to gather in groups of twos and threes; the air was thick with the aroma of toasted bread and the faint scent of malt liquor.The three of them stood at the Guild entrance, their stomachs letting out thunderous protests one after another as if they had made an appointment."I'm starving—!" Aqua plopped down on the steps, wailing while clutching her stomach with zero goddess-like decorum. "This Goddess's stomach is already as flat as a sheet of paper! If there are no offerings (breakfast), my divine power will run dry! Don't blame me if the world is destroyed then!""Stop shouting, I'm about to faint from hunger too." Kazuma clutched his stomach, his face turning pale. "That hard bread from yesterday wasn't filling at all. And after the mental shock of last night, I urgently need to replenish my energy."Haru looked at these two unreliable teammates and sighed. "Complaining is useless. We've already used the 'dine and dash' trick; now we have to honestly go work and earn money. Come on, let's brainstorm. What can we do to earn breakfast money the fastest?"The three of them huddled in a circle, beginning a brainstorming session filled with despair and hope.Aqua was the first to raise her hand, her eyes sparkling with the light of wisdom (idiocy):"I have an idea! We can go to the plaza and perform! I can show off a Goddess's peerless beauty, turn water into various shapes, and even make coins disappear! As long as everyone is entertained, they'll definitely throw money at us! Plus, I'm a Goddess—my performances are miracles, you know!"Haru and Kazuma looked at each other, simultaneously showing expressions of disgust."Rejected," Kazuma said coldly. "Last time you performed making plates disappear in the kitchen, it ended with us paying for them. This time, if you make a passerby's wallet disappear and can't bring it back, we'll be thrown in jail by the guards. Besides, who's going to pay to see water-spraying tricks? This is another world; magic users are all over the streets."Kazuma rubbed his chin and proposed a suggestion full of realism (and sleaziness):"How about this: we take those quests to find lost pets or recover missing underwear for nobles. Those quests don't pay much, but they're usually very safe, and if we're lucky, we might even get some extra tips."Haru frowned. "Finding pets is too slow, and those quests usually involve running all over the city. By the time we find one, we'll probably have starved to death. As for finding underwear... Kazuma-san, your intentions are too obvious. You'll be arrested as a pervert."Haru looked at his two sickly-looking teammates, the corners of his mouth curling into a meaningful, almost devilish arc.Haru lowered his voice, as if imparting some forbidden magic to destroy the world, and leaned his head between the two."Rejected, all rejected." Haru held up an index finger and wagged it. "Performing is too tiring, and finding cats is too slow. We need to utilize our top-tier resource to earn the fastest money."Haru's gaze slowly shifted toward Aqua, who was currently squatting on the ground drawing circles and crying about being hungry."Listen, although this person is a piece of industrial waste that can only be looked at and not used, as we verified this morning—as long as she doesn't talk or move, based on looks alone, she's the top-tier peerless beauty of Axel... no, the entire kingdom."Kazuma seemed to sniff out a dangerous aura, his dead-fish eyes narrowing slightly. "Hey, Haru, you don't mean...""Exactly!"Haru snapped his fingers, his eyes sparkling with the radiance of a scumbag. "We're going to pull a Badger Game! In other words—a honey trap extortion!""A-A Badger Game?!" Kazuma gasped. Although his voice trembled, he didn't refuse immediately; instead, he showed an excited expression that said, 'This is immoral, but it seems very promising.'Haru continued to lead them on. "The plan is simple. Find a secluded alley and have Aqua stand there looking pitiful. If any wealthy-looking, lecherous Adventurer or middle-aged man takes the bait and tries to get handsy with her..."Haru made a chopping motion with his hand. "We immediately rush out! We shout, 'How dare you harass my sister/wife/goddess! Pay up! Or we call the guards!' To save their reputation, the other party will definitely pay up quietly to settle it!""But..." Kazuma frowned, pointing out the only flaw in the plan. "Didn't we just say? Aqua has a built-in Sage Aura. Men who get close to her become devoid of desire. Who's going to take the bait?""That's the key!" Haru patted his chest confidently. "That's a passive skill that only takes effect at close range. From a distance, she's still a Goddess with full seductive power! What we need to do is rush out before the target gets close enough for the Sage Zone to kick in, or just as they enter it before they have time to react! We're playing for the time difference!"Aqua, who hadn't understood but heard her name mentioned, finally reacted. She jumped up, crossed her arms, and looked at Haru with disbelief. "Huh?! Haru! You actually want this Goddess to be bait? To seduce those vulgar humans? I am the Goddess of Water, Lady Aqua! I am a being revered by ten thousand people! How can I do such a shameless thing! This is a desecration of the divine! I absolutely won't do it! Absolutely!"Looking at the self-righteous Aqua, Haru remained unfazed, simply tossing out the bait: "If we succeed once, we'll go eat Marbled Red Frog steaks paired with Axel's most expensive Louisiana Premium Red Wine. If you don't do it, we can only go rummage through the back alleys for rotten apples to eat today."Aqua's expression instantly froze.The sanctity and anger on her face collapsed at a visible speed, replaced by drool and hesitation."M-Marbled steaks... premium red wine..." Aquaswallowed, her eyes darting around. "Well... actually, as a Goddess, it's also my duty to occasionally descend to the mortal world to punish those wicked people with ill intentions! This is called 'entrapment' for the sake of purifying the world's evil! Yes, that's it!" She immediately adopted a righteous expression and even pushed her luck by asking, "Then... if we earn a lot, can I add an order of fried chicken?""Deal." Kazuma looked at his two teammates who had instantly reached a dirty agreement, sighed deeply while covering his face, but then also revealed a devious smile."Since everyone agrees... then I have no objections. As long as we don't get caught by the guards, this kind of 'robbing the rich to help the poor' (meaning us) is what I, Satou Kazuma, am best at! Let's go! To find our prey!"And so, the most bizarre and bottom-line-lacking Badger Game trio in the history of the other world was officially formed.
Chapter 8: Aqua's Honey TrapIn a remote alleyway of Axel, the sunlight was sliced into light and shadow by the high walls.This place was sparsely populated, with only the occasional Adventurer passing through as a shortcut; it was a perfect hunting ground.Haru and Kazuma hid behind a wooden barrel at the alley entrance, with only two pairs of eyes peeking out, nervously watching Aqua not far away."Listen up, Aqua," Haru gave his final instructions before the operation. "You need to project an aura of being weak, lost, and in desperate need of help. Your eyes should be moist, and your posture should be a bit... you know, seductive. Like gently biting your lip, or pulling down your collar slightly—though you don't really have a collar. Anyway, the goal is to make anyone who sees you want to take you home!""Got it!" Aqua gave a confident thumbs up. "Leave it to me! This goddess has seen countless humans praying; I know exactly how to make a heart flutter!"However, reality is always cruel.When the first man, who looked like a solo Adventurer, walked into the alley, Aqua didn't strike a pitiful pose as Haru had expected.Instead, she suddenly jumped out from the shadows, hands on her hips, striking an extremely exaggerated bodybuilder pose, and roared at the top of her lungs:"Hey! You rich-looking human over there! Look at me! Am I not beautiful? Don't you want to give me all your money? Hurry up and hand it over! Otherwise, I'll use divine punishment to turn you into a frog!"The Adventurer was startled, and the skewer in his hand fell to the ground.He looked at the blue-haired woman before him; she was beautiful, but clearly not right in the head. His eyes instantly shifted from admiration to the disdain one has for a lunatic."Huh? Are you sick?" The Adventurer picked up his skewer and patted off the dust. "You're pretty, but it's a pity you're an idiot. Move aside, don't block the way!""Who are you calling an idiot?!" Aqua snapped instantly. She grabbed the Adventurer's collar—though she wasn't tall enough and had to stand on her tiptoes—and the divine radiance on her face vanished, replaced by the ferocity of a market shrew. "I am Lady Aqua! I am the Goddess of Water! You dare speak to me like that? Believe it or not, I'll drown you in holy water!""Let go! You crazy woman!" The Adventurer also grew angry, trying to shake Aqua off. "If you don't let go, I won't be polite! I'm an elite Adventurer who just finished subjugating Orcs!""Elite Adventurer? More like an elite baldy! Look at that hairline, it's practically at the back of your head! You must be suffering divine retribution for all the bad things you usually do!" Aqua's trash-talking skill activated at max level, accurately striking the man's sore spot."What did you say?! I'll kill you!!"Seeing the situation escalate from a Honey Trap into a street brawl, Haru and Kazuma, hiding behind the barrel, covered their faces in despair."It's over..." Kazuma groaned in pain. "I knew it would turn out like this. This girl doesn't understand seduction at all; she only knows how to provoke.""Stop talking and go save the situation!" Harugrabbed Kazuma and rushed out."Stop! Stop!" Haru shouted as he rushed between the two, pulling the still-flailing Aqua behind him. He then put on a fawning smile for the furious Adventurer. "Sorry! So sorry! Big brother, this is my sister. She's a bit... you know, in the head. She ran out without taking her medicine. We're so sorry for the trouble!"Kazuma also hurried to bow and apologize. "Yes, yes! She's the famous 'Axel's Number One Madwoman.' Please be the bigger person and don't hold it against an idiot. We'll take her away right now, right now!"The Adventurer looked at Haru and Kazuma's humble attitudes, then at Aqua, who was still making faces in the back, and spat on the ground in annoyance. "What bad luck! Met a bunch of psychos as soon as I stepped out! Watch your crazy sister better in the future, don't let her out to scare people!"With that, he walked away grumbling, leaving the three of them standing there in the wind."Hey! Why did you stop me?!" Aqua was still waving her fists defiantly. "That baldy dared to call me an idiot! I was going to show him! I was going to turn the water in his canteen into boiling water and scald him!""Enough!" Haru and Kazuma roared in unison.Haru massaged his temples, feeling his blood pressure soar. "Aqua, are you a pig? We told you to seduce him, not pick a fight! Did you look even remotely like a goddess just now? You were like a shrew screaming in a market!""But... but he called me an idiot..." Aqua pouted aggrievedly, tears welling up in her eyes. "And that seduction thing is too hard! I've never learned it! You guys didn't teach me how to do it!"Looking at her stupidly cute and pitiful appearance, Haru sighed, knowing that reasoning with this mental midget was futile.Haru and Kazuma exchanged a look, reading a sense of desperate resolve in each other's eyes."Fine, since words can't communicate it, we'll have to demonstrate through action." Haru gritted his teeth and steeled his heart. "Kazuma, although this is disgusting, for the sake of our dinner and to make this moron understand what feminine charm is, we must make a sacrifice.""I understand." Kazuma nodded with a tragic expression, as if he were a martyr about to go to the execution ground.And so, under Aqua's dumbfounded gaze, two grown men performed an earth-shattering seduction tutorial in the dark alley.Haru leaned against the wall, one foot slightly raised, his eyes dreamy as his finger gently twirled non-existent hair. His voice became high-pitched and affected: "Oh my, handsome big brother, I'm lost~ Could you take me somewhere quiet~ I'll reward you well~"Kazuma played the part of the seduced passerby, rubbing his hands with a lecherous face. "Ooh! What a cute little kitten! Since you put it that way, come with big brother! Hehehe!"Then Haru's expression suddenly changed, mimicking a startled little rabbit, and he gave Kazuma a playful push while playing hard to get. "Stop it~ You're so bad~ But I like it so much~"The scene was so eye-searingly hideous that even a passing stray cat couldn't help but gag.But Aqua watched with great interest, even pulling out a small notebook to take notes, her eyes sparkling with the light of sudden realization."I see! I see!" Aqua clapped her hands excitedly. "The key is being coy and affected, right! And the 'oh my' and 'you're so bad'! I get it! I really get it this time! I'm a genius!"Haru and Kazuma stopped, suppressing the churning in their stomachs as they wiped cold sweat from their brows."I don't know what you understood, but it's something like that," Haru said weakly. "Remember, be weak, make people want to protect you, not make them want to commit you to a mental hospital.""Don't worry! This time it'll definitely be fine!" Aquapatted her chest confidently (though there wasn't much there). "Watch me!"Just then, a series of steady and heavy footsteps came from the alley entrance.A patrolman in uniform, with a longsword at his waist and a righteous face, was walking by with measured steps.His gaze was sharp, as if he were surveying the street's security.This was absolutely not a good target for a hunt.Anyone with even a shred of common sense would choose to avoid him.But Aqua clearly did not belong to the category of people with common sense.Seeing the patrolman, Aqua's eyes instantly lit up.In her simple logic circuit, this person was dressed so neatly, he must be rich! And he looked very imposing; if she could seduce him, she'd surely make a fortune!"He's the one!" Aqua whispered excitedly. Before Haru and Kazuma could react, she had already shot out like an arrow from a bow."Hey! That's a patrolman! He's a cop!" Kazumashouted in a panicked, low voice, but it was too late.Aqua rushed in front of the patrolman, braked suddenly, and then struck the coy pose Haru and Kazuma had just demonstrated—her body twisted into a bizarre S-shape, one hand leaning against the wall (nearly slipping), the other hand affectedly covering her mouth as she spoke in a hair-raisingly squeaky voice:"Oh my, handsome big brother~ I'm lost~ Could you take me somewhere quiet? I'll reward you well~ Stop it, you're so bad~"The patrolman stopped, his brow furrowed, his hand already resting on the hilt of his sword.He looked at the blue-haired woman with her strange behavior, wandering eyes, and suspicious aura, and asked coldly:"Ma'am, what are you doing? If you're feeling unwell, I can take you to the hospital. But if you're engaging in some kind of illegal solicitation or fraudulent activity..." His gaze became piercing. "Then I'll have to invite you to the Police Station for some tea.""Oh, tea is fine too~ as long as big brother is treating~" Aqua was completely unaware of the danger and continued her performance, even going as far as to blow a kiss (which looked more like an eyelid twitch). "I'm very expensive, you know, but since big brother is so handsome, I can give you a discount. How about five thousand eris?""Public solicitation?! And attempting to bribe a law enforcement officer?!" The patrolman's face turned black instantly as he pulled out handcuffs. "Come with me!"Hiding in the shadows, Haru and Kazuma's hearts nearly stopped beating."Run!"No hesitation, no discussion, not even an exchange of looks.Haru and Kazuma made the most correct decision at the exact same time.The two of them were like startled rabbits, turning and bolting at a speed that practically broke the limits of human potential."Hey! Haru! Kazuma! Where are you going?!" Hearing the commotion, Aqua looked back and saw her two teammates had already run so far they were just silhouettes. She immediately lost her composure. "Wait for me! Don't leave me alone! This big brother seems angry! Help!""Don't know her! We don't know that crazy woman!" Kazuma shouted while sprinting, his voice filled with the will to survive."We're just passing by! We're just passing by!" Harufollowed suit, his pace quickening even further."Halt! Are those your accomplices?!" The patrolmanseemed to sense something and tried to give chase, but Aqua clung tightly to his leg."Waaaah! You heartless bastards! We agreed to make money and eat Steaks together! How could you leave a goddess behind! I'll curse you! I'll curse you to be single for the rest of your lives!" Aqua's wails echoed through the entire street.Meanwhile, Haru and Kazuma had long since vanished into the depths of the complex alleyways, leaving behind only a trail of dust and their shattered consciences.