Aerin learned two important things before meeting Lady Belladonne Crowvale.
First: noblewomen were not required to be calm.
Second: the palace insurance fund was not nearly large enough.
He stood in the receiving salon, hands folded, breathing slowly like the court healer had taught him.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Do not faint.
The room had been reinforced overnight. Literally.
Extra carpets. Fewer glass ornaments. A suit of armour had been removed "as a precaution." Aerin had not asked why.
The High Chancellor stood beside him, expression grave.
"She has… energy," the Chancellor said carefully.
"I can handle energy," Aerin replied, immediately lying.
The doors burst open.
Not opened.
Burst.
"YOUR MAJESTY!!!"
Aerin yelped.
Lady Belladonne Crowvale entered like a hurricane given human form.
She was tall, curvy, dressed in vibrant crimson and black, her noble gown somehow both elegant and aggressively impractical. Her long auburn hair flowed freely down her back, and her eyes—bright, sharp, and far too alive—locked onto Aerin instantly.
She crossed the room in three strides and seized his hands.
"So YOU'RE the shy one!" she declared cheerfully.
"I—" Aerin squeaked.
The Harem Alarm flickered.
The High Chancellor coughed loudly. "Lady Belladonne, protocol—"
"Oh hush," she waved him off. "I've read the protocols. Very boring. Very slow. We'll improvise."
The alarm made a warning hum.
Aerin tried to gently pull his hands back.
Failed.
She leaned in, examining him like a rare artefact.
"Oh yes," she nodded. "Soft eyes. Nervous posture. Adorable."
"I'm not adorable," Aerin said weakly.
"Exactly," Belladonne grinned. "You don't even know it."
The alarm ticked.
"Please," Aerin said, voice barely above a whisper, "would you like to sit?"
She gasped dramatically. "He's polite too!"
She finally released him and spun toward the seating area, promptly tripping over the reinforced carpet and flipping forward—
—and landing perfectly in the chair like it had been planned.
Aerin stared.
"Did you… do that on purpose?" he asked.
"Of course," she said brightly. "Balance is everything."
The alarm did not ring.
That somehow worried him more.
Tea was served. Belladonne ignored it entirely, instead rummaging through her bag and pulling out a small crystal vial that glowed faintly purple.
"Oh no," Aerin said instinctively.
"Oh yes," she replied. "I brought gifts."
The High Chancellor stiffened. "Magic is strictly regulated—"
"It's harmless!" Belladonne protested. "Mostly."
The alarm buzzed.
Aerin raised both hands. "Maybe we could just talk?"
"Talking is boring," she said. "Let's connect."
She uncorked the vial.
The room filled with pink smoke.
Aerin coughed. "What is that?"
"A compatibility enhancer!" Belladonne announced proudly. "It's supposed to reveal true feelings!"
The Harem Alarm screamed.
WEEEOOOO WEEEOOOO
"STOP!" Aerin shouted, panic overriding protocol. "Please!"
Belladonne blinked. "Oh. It's louder than I expected."
The smoke cleared.
Nothing happened.
Aerin sagged with relief.
Then—
Something jumped.
"Ribbit."
Aerin looked down.
A frog sat on the table.
Green. Shiny. Blinking.
The room froze.
"…Why is there a frog?" Aerin asked.
Belladonne squinted. "Huh."
The frog croaked again.
Then—before anyone could react—it leapt.
Straight at Aerin's face.
"AAAA—!"
Instinct took over.
Aerin caught it.
With both hands.
Holding the frog inches from his nose, he stared at it in pure horror.
"I don't think this is supposed to—"
The frog kissed him.
On the lips.
Time stopped.
The Harem Alarm went silent.
Completely.
Dead quiet.
The frog glowed.
There was a pop of magic.
Aerin staggered back, dropping the frog.
It landed, croaked once—
—and transformed into a very normal, very confused palace frog.
Aerin stood frozen, lips tingling, soul leaving his body.
"I…" he whispered.
Belladonne covered her mouth.
"Oh my gods," she breathed. "Was that your first kiss?"
The alarm let out a single, soft ding.
The High Chancellor fainted.
Ten minutes later, Aerin sat wrapped in a blanket, staring into nothing.
Lina crouched in front of him.
"Say it again," she said gently.
"…A frog," Aerin whispered. "My first kiss… was a frog."
"Yes," Lina nodded. "Tragic."
"I didn't even consent," he whimpered.
Belladonne sat across the room, looking genuinely apologetic for the first time since arriving.
"I swear," she said, "it was supposed to summon a vision of your soulmate."
"It summoned a frog," Lina said flatly.
"Well," Belladonne shrugged, "symbols can be complex."
Aerin made a small broken noise.
The Harem Alarm remained quiet.
Too quiet.
"That's the worst part," Lina muttered. "It didn't trigger."
Aerin looked up slowly. "What does that mean?"
Lina sighed. "It means the magic didn't detect romantic intent."
"…So I wasn't kissed?"
"You were," she said. "Just not romantically."
Belladonne brightened. "Which means you're still pure!"
Aerin buried his face in the blanket.
"I want to abdicate," he said muffled.
Belladonne stood and bowed deeply.
"Your Majesty," she said sincerely, "I withdraw my candidacy."
Aerin peeked out. "You do?"
"Yes," she said. "I like excitement. Chaos. You need someone gentler."
The alarm dinged approvingly.
"But," she added with a grin, "thank you for the most memorable courtship failure of my life."
She swept out dramatically.
The palace was quiet again.
Aerin stared at the frog, now happily hopping toward the window.
"…Do I bow?" he asked.
Lina smiled despite herself.
"No," she said. "But you might want to wash your face."
Later that night, Aerin sat alone, staring at his reflection.
A king.
A disaster.
Still kissless.
Somewhere in the walls, the Harem Alarm hummed softly.
Waiting.