As our journey to the capital Entdeckt continued, we stopped with the coming of night to sleep.
The open plains of Entdeckt were quiet—easier to rest in than the Jugesp forest that forces one to stay alert.
But for me, it didn't make much difference; for the place is not the cause of my tension, but what I carry within.
I cannot sleep well; this is a truth I've long since accepted.
In fact, to say I "cannot sleep well" is a kind expression that beautifies reality; I am almost completely unable to sleep.
The moment I close my eyes, the doors of nightmares open in my mind.
They continue endlessly, chasing me—I see corpses and limbs on battlefields, and remember the endless betrayals.
The moment my mother was stabbed in the heart repeats before my eyes every time my eyelids close.
I see my Elder Sister being taken away, and the shadows of my Younger Siblings in the darkness blame me for my inability to protect them.
Even those who betrayed me, I find a part of me searching for excuses for them, and blaming my weakness for driving them to it.
I am the guilty one in every story, I who was not strong enough to protect nor sufficient enough to be loved.
The voice of logic within me refuses, but I did not want to listen.
Those innocent souls I extinguished—I was not unconscious, I was aware... fully aware. I believed I was doing my duty, that I was fighting for a just cause.
I would look at my hands stained with blood and see them as a badge of honor. I would hear their screams and convince myself that this was the price of purification.
Now I know the truth. Now I know that I was carrying out my enemies' orders, and that everything I believed in was a lie.
But does that change anything? Does it ease my conscience that I did not know? No. Because I was there, with my full consciousness, with my will that I thought was free.
My hands did not betray me—my creed betrayed me. My heart was not empty; it was filled with faith in a false cause.
After acquiring Sansai, my voice—the voice of reason—always tells me: You did not know. You are a victim of deception.
But does ignorance absolve me? And was it truly ignorance, or was it stupidity, or was it a desire to believe because the truth was too painful?
I will never be able to forgive myself. The Creator forgives all sins, but I am stuck at a point where I cannot forgive who I have become.
Not only because I killed... but because I killed while believing I was doing good.
Who am I, fundamentally? This is a strange question, but I struggle to find an answer to it for myself, so as not to lose my identity.
Sometimes I feel my heart has become tender yet petrified to a painful degree, to the point where I feel pity for myself.
This may seem like ingratitude for the Creator's blessings, but I have nothing but to ask for forgiveness, while my hands still reek of blood.
Even if I try to escape sleep and settle for relaxation to recharge my body, that in itself is a struggle.
The physical pain from Lazy Dysesthesia never stops, no matter what I do—my skin feels the touch of air like a blade.
As for the mental tension from suppressing Sansai noise, it makes rest almost an illusion.
It is true that my father's shawl prevents part of the mental tension, and that Lia's encryption grants my body slight relief, and I am grateful for that…
But…
This doesn't mean the pain disappears, it only means I am able to breathe a little.
Now, deep within me, I feel Leo and Lia, submerged in myself, as if they are guarding what remains of me.
They are all that prevented me from completely collapsing under the weight of this pain….
They are the blessing bestowed upon me.
Despite that, I cannot help but feel guilty for making them share this hell with me.
Therefore… despite all this pain, I swore to myself to find my siblings.
Atre Academy was never a destination I chose, but if this place holds even the faintest clue that leads me to my siblings, then I am ready to endure another thousand years of pain inside that cube.
This is my duty as Older Brother to my Younger Siblings, and as Younger Brother to my Elder Sister.
I place this vow in the Creator's name upon myself; I will expend every atom of my body, every drop of my blood, to find what remains of my family.
I swore this as I leaned on the cold grass, watching the night sky.
I silently caress my shawl and the cracked flute, remembering those who gave me a chance to continue my life,
Praying that I may be worthy of this chance someday.