"Hm…" Uval drew my attention, yanking me out of my own thoughts. This individual is a Devaronian and one of the Trailblazers who studied together with my father. Honestly, whenever he's around, I always feel uneasy. And when he looks at me like that, I really want to hide. Or shout something like, "What are you staring at? Don't like me? Congrats, I don't like you either!"
"What is it, Uval? You don't like my son's progress?" Mom cut in. She was practically glowing, thrilled with how I was advancing. Well, yeah—I may be small, but I'm toothy, just like she was at my age.
"That's not what this is about, Aala. Don't you think it's time for him to go to the temple? It's been two years, after all, since you refused to hand him over to Master Souru," the Devaronian said without even twitching a brow, shifting his gaze to Mother.
"I know that hack…" Mom cursed with a scowl. "No. I believe I can teach him much better. At least through the youngling stage."
"That may be so, but his Force…" he drawled. "It's too restless. If you haven't noticed, he can't sit still for a moment. He's always destroying something, breaking something—just doing something. Tell him to stand still for a minute and it's like he'll start clowning on purpose! No obedience, no respect for elders."
"And was I any different?" Mom smirked. "Even now—name one sentient being I address formally."
"Wooow…" I dragged the word out, at the sheer audacity. I definitely had room to grow. Telling someone to go to hell that gracefully—I'd probably never manage it. And she did tell him, no doubt about it.
"That's not the point, Aala."
"Then what is?"
"His balance has been off since birth," Uval said bluntly, giving me a dark look. "The dark side dominates the light. You can see it in the eyes—eyes that have always had a second bottom."
. . .
I stood there, silent, stunned.
"Just look for yourself," he pointed at me. Mom crouched down and, frowning, stared into my eyes. I just stood there and stared back, not knowing where to put myself. But then her face smoothed out and lit with a smile.
"Well, I'm looking. And I see a pair of gray eyes. A little scared—but so strong… so steady… so mine." She pulled me to her chest and stroked my head. "My beloved."
"As you say." Uval shrugged. "I warned you. Your son is not nearly as simple as he seems. Keep it in mind. There's an opinion that by the time he's ten, they'll exile him to Boganu…"
SLAP!
The sound of a smack cracked through the air. I froze like a post and looked toward Uval, where Mom was standing. Just like that—one moment, and she was already there. I didn't even notice her move. Her aura changed; her montrals twitched under the pressure of the Force, and an indescribable bloodlust poured off her. With one hand she struck, with the other she grabbed the Devaronian by the front so he couldn't fly back.
But what scared me more was that I was happy. Happy with that aura, and more than comfortable in it—while Uval went pale.
"Ashshar onu sha'ran…"* she hissed in Togruta, shoving her old acquaintance away. Uval pulled himself together, set his face like a brick, and left in silence.
"M-mom?" I spoke up quietly once the xeno disappeared around the corner. Hearing me, the aura around Mother vanished, and she turned toward me as the one who had held me in her arms and read me stories.
"Yes?" She walked over unhurriedly and ruffled my hair. "What is it, sweetie?"
"What was he talking about? And what does Boganu have to do with it?" She smiled sadly, but taking my hand and leading me toward the house, she answered:
"That's… a long story." I looked around and, making sure no one was nearby, turned back to her. With a sigh, she began. "You see… it started before you were even born. I was never known for obedience or discipline. More than that—I always had problems with it, and because of that, I was under a serious threat of being sent off to Boganu. Back then, I was angry. Very angry. And it was hard for me to restore balance in the Force."
"Did they hurt you?"
"Yes, Shade. At one time, they hurt me. And I hurt them. It was complicated there. From the very beginning of my path, I got used to going against other people's opinions and doing things my way, no matter what. Though that 'my way' can come from someone else's opinion, or just align with it. And in that, you're very much like me. Restless, hot-blooded, pushy…" She ruffled my hair and, wrapping an arm around me, pulled me close.
"And how did you manage to get away from trouble?"
"I didn't," she shrugged. "I'm just strong enough to prove my right to speak with blood. Usually someone else's. And considering how negatively I feel about anyone encroaching on anything that's mine, some people started to get it—better not touch that pretty girl. Give her a wide berth."
"But that complicates things in the Order, doesn't it? An uncontrolled fighter is a dangerous threat, first and foremost, to the Order itself."
"Where did you pick up words like that?" She looked at me with an eyebrow raised.
"Uh… I read it in a book," I look away, realizing a kid my age isn't exactly supposed to use words that complicated.
"I see."
"Anyway, besides drawbacks, I have strengths too." Stopping, she lowered herself to my level. "Yes, I'm willful. I don't care about authority. I don't care about my conversation partner. All that worries me is my friends, my family—" she hugged and squeezed me again for a few seconds. Uuugh, I felt like a plush toy. "—and my assignment. Which I will complete. Also, you know our species are, by nature, incredibly social. In my youth… when I hadn't yet become a Je'daii, I had many, so to speak, friends. Though… now I understand they weren't friends at all, but back then it looked different. Still, I was loyal to them. I was ready to tear anyone to shreds with my teeth like a wild beast if my group was in danger. That's one of the reasons I ended up in the Order."
"And what happened to those guys?"
"Nothing good, Shade. After I left for the Order, the group fell apart, and I never saw them again." But a shadow flickered across her face, and in her emotions something slipped through that couldn't hide from me. Not pushing the topic, I try to shift direction:
"Mom, but then why?" The question is stupid, but I can't not ask it. I know the traditions of my old world, but I don't understand my new people well. So…
"Why what?" She tilted her head in amused confusion. I happened to notice that the same gesture had unconsciously carried over to me.
"If everything is the way you say, why are we ready to protect?"
"Where did you get thoughts like that?!"
"From the other kids. They… don't really like me. They avoid me. I definitely wouldn't protect them."
"Hmm… it's okay, Shade. They'll come to their senses, believe me. In time, they'll try to be friends with you themselves. Right now they're just stupid and don't understand who you are. But later… they'll come around. And our friends—real friends, not those fools I had in my youth—are family. And we will always stand up for them, always help, and share our last supplies. That's why we've always had enough friends. Even I did. And note: I'm toxic, mouthy, and in the opinion of many guys—very much a bad girl. Well, that's what I was known as during my training," she added at once, smiling. "And then I cemented that reputation. It's so much fun! So everything will be fine—don't worry about that."
"You think so?"
"Yes."
"And Uval? What he said about… that I… well, not being like that."
"You know you're already grown enough, and that soon you'll pass your exams and enter the temple, but you still don't have a single friend. That bothers him, but there's nothing wrong with it. Your interest is entirely focused on understanding the Force, our culture, language, technology, fighting techniques—not other sentients. The strange thing is that as long as I can remember, there was always some kind of crowd around me. Neighbors, classmates, friends from my travels… someone was always there. Rivals too, of course—but still. You, though, walk only your own path, paying no attention to others. At least for now. And some find that strange and start to worry. But there's nothing strange there, Shade—it's normal. And you're also like your father in that. He didn't talk to others either. In the end, you know what happened to him, and where his trail turned."
"Uh-huh. But do I really pay no attention to others," I snort skeptically. "It's just that I want to be very much like you." I notice the corners of her lips stretch a little. "I want to be strong like you, so that when real friends appear, I can protect them. I want to be myself, without any pretending. I don't want to keep my feelings on a leash. And I won't. I want to be real. And I want to find friends like the ones you have now! I want to make my own decisions—not the ones other people will dictate to me. Just like you."
"There! That's exactly why Uval is wrong. You're not dark at all—your light is just hidden deep inside, like mine once was. Yes, you're a little different, but no more than that. And anyone who says otherwise can go into the maw of the Saarl!" she finished, smiling brightly. "Right, Shade. No need to be someone else. Just be yourself, and then you'll have everything," and then she leaned in slightly and conspiratorially whispered, "and you'll even find a girl—rather, she'll find you herself. Trust me, boys used to chase me in crowds," I instantly blush and hide in my collar. "You'll introduce me to her, right?"
"Mom!!!"
***
"Ah, ah, ow, u-u-uh-m-m-m…" I clenched my teeth, dropping the blade and shaking out my hand. Yeah… with a wooden sword it was much easier, and not so painful.
"Again," Mom returned to position.
"Just a second," kneading fingers battered by a very blunt but still iron sword, I reinforce the flesh with the Force again. Without that, I'd have had minced bone-and-meat instead of fingers a long time ago, because I got hit hard and often.
Clenching and unclenching my fist, I pick up the weapon. My muscles ache, my bones crack, my hands are already tired of taking hit after hit. But there was nothing to be done about it. Taking my stance, I prepare for the duel. A moment, and we come together in a clinch at the same time, followed by a string of fast strikes that I barely manage to deflect. Then a spinning blow, which I manage to parry and immediately counter with a sweeping horizontal cut at the neck. Mom taught me to strike to finish, without ceremony, so the techniques we practiced were highly injurious—something I'd already had plenty of time to feel firsthand.
And then again—a series of strikes, but instead of her sword she uses a leg sweep. I manage to pull my leg away, but take the sword's pommel to the chest and fly backward. I don't even have time to swear—my breath is simply knocked out. Like it was there one second, and the next it's gone, and I'm only spasming, trying to inhale.
"You okay?" someone leans over me.
"A-a-aalive, khah-khah."
She puts her hand to my chest, helping me recover with Force healing.
"You're getting distracted too much. Don't try to track the sword—track the space. Your ability is your main feature, Shade. Use it."
"I can't keep up. I can't see."
"That's the problem. Tomorrow we'll try to speed up your mind so it can process the incoming information."
"Uh-huh."
"And this is just a light reinforcement with the Force. Imagine what the fight will be like if we move at full."
"I can imagine."
"And by then, you'll be obligated, if not to win, then at least to react to an attack like that and get out."
"Huh?!" My eyes go wide.
"Yes, Shade. Only then will I be able to feel calm about you. Or have you already given up?" she smiled.
"I haven't, khah-khah, given up! I'm full of strength and energy. Back to stance," I spring to my feet—though I immediately start coughing again. That last hit really did a number on me.
"A couple more, and that's enough for today," she ruffled my hair, returning to her place. Damn… I hope I survive at least until I enter the temple.