January 1, 2026 — 10:45 AM | Wave 1 — Time Remaining: 20 Hr 10 Min
Gilbert leaned against a rusted, vine-choked lamppost, his breath coming in wet, jagged heaves that sounded like a vacuum cleaner choking on a sock. Every exhale sent a cloud of condensation against his glasses, which were already coated in a thick layer of facial oils and dried sweat. He reached under his 3XL cat-girl shirt to scratch his belly, leaving a visible streak of orange nacho dust on the faded fabric. He had spent the last several minutes screaming at the sky and his phone, but the exertion had finally caught up to him. He was so busy wallowing in his own frustration that he was completely oblivious to the shadow stretching out from the shattered entrance of the Planet Fitness. A soft, rustling sound—like dry leaves skittering over pavement—echoed from the darkness of the gym, but Gilbert was too busy picking a piece of jerky out of his teeth to notice.
The power had long since died, leaving the interior of the fitness center a yawning black maw. Deep within that void, a pair of glowing amber eyes ignited. They moved with a predatory grace, narrowing with a mixture of caution and curiosity as they locked onto the trembling, sweaty shape of the man in the cat-girl shirt. Gilbert's body, sensing the threat even if his mind hadn't caught up, urged him to flee. His heart hammered against his ribs, but the sheer mass of his frame and the exhaustion in his legs made the idea of running feel like a distant, impossible dream. 'I'm the protagonist, I shouldn't be the one running,' he thought, wiping a bead of sweat that was currently racing toward his double chin. 'The monsters should be afraid of my EX-Rank potential. Once I level up, I'll be the one doing the hunting.'
[LIVE FEED: UTAH SECTOR CHAT]
SLC_Savage: "Look at those eyes in the back. Something is coming for its mid-morning snack." u-20329: "Gilbert is literally paralyzed. He's not even looking at the door. RIP Utah."
GamerGod_69: "That's not a Gains-Ghoul. The movement is too smooth. He is so incredibly dead." MormonMomma_4: "Oh, someone help that poor boy! He's just standing there like a deer in the headlights!"
TrollFace_Provo: "Don't move, Gil! If you stay perfectly still, maybe it'll think you're a discarded beanbag chair!"
ParkCity_Hiker: "I've seen this look in nature documentaries right before the gazelle gets its throat ripped out."
Gilbert's eyes began to tear up, his muscles locking in place as the entity drifted into the pale morning light. As the figure emerged from the shadows, Gilbert's terror didn't just vanish—it did a complete, whiplash-inducing 180. His jaw dropped, and a string of viscous drool escaped the corner of his mouth, dangling precariously before dripping onto his collar. The being standing before him wasn't a monster in the traditional sense. She was a fusion of human and flora, her skin a soft, mossy green, with vines weaving through long hair made of vibrant autumn leaves. She was, by any objective standard of Gilbert's "Sacred Texts," a top-tier plant-based waifu. 'Finally,' Gilbert thought, his fear replaced by a surge of heat that had nothing to do with the humidity. 'The System finally gave me a reward for my suffering. She's at least an S-Rank encounter. Lore-wise, dryads are usually submissive to high-level summoners.'
"Uh... uh... oh my. God dam," Gilbert stammered, his fear replaced by an overwhelming wave of thirst. He straightened his 3XL shirt, which was now clinging to his damp skin, and tried to suck in his stomach. The result was a loud, strained wheeze as he adopted what he thought was a suave, masculine posture.
[LIVE FEED: UTAH SECTOR CHAT]
Beehive_Babe_99: "Is he... is he checking out the plant monster? During the apocalypse?"
u-1255: "He is. He actually is. The world is ending and Gilbert is looking for a dryad girlfriend." SLC_Savage: "Look at his face. He's gone full 'Awoo' mode. This is the most embarrassing moment in our state's history."
Just_A_Nurse_82: "That thing is a predatory mimic. It's literally evolved to look attractive to luring in prey. And he's falling for it head-first."
GamerGod_69: "He's going to try and flirt with it. Watch. I'm putting money on it."
RealEstate_Deb: "I've seen enough. If the plants win, they can have my house. I'm done."
"Hello my lady, how are you on this fine day?" Gilbert chirped, his voice shifting into a greasy, performative baritone that cracked halfway through. He stared at the creature's floral curves with a sense of entitlement that only a decade of "Solo Queue" could produce. "God dam those curves, awhoo! I mean—ahem. Come with me, my lady. I will protect you from this harsh, overgrown world." He held out a sticky, orange-stained hand, a smug, oily grin plastered across his face. 'I'll make her my secondary companion,' he planned internally. 'Malenia can handle the fighting, and this one can handle... everything else. It's a classic harem setup.'
The plant-being didn't speak. She tilted her head, her amber eyes shimmering as she stepped closer, reaching a slender, vine-wrapped hand toward his. Gilbert's heart soared. He was doing it. He was finally holding a woman's hand—and a stunningly beautiful one at that. He could already imagine the jealous comments in the chat. But just as their fingers were about to touch, a piercing, melodic warcry tore through the air. Gilbert looked up just in time to see a golden blur descending from the sky like a falling star.
CRASH.
The impact sent a shockwave of dirt and pulverized moss into the air. Gilbert was thrown backward, landing hard on his rear with a sound like a wet sack of flour hitting the pavement. A spray of thick, neon-green fluid coated his face and shirt. When the dust cleared, Malenia stood in the center of a small crater, her golden blade buried deep into the soil where the plant-girl had just been standing. The creature had been reduced to a mess of crushed cellulose and green ichor.
"Noooooo! My plant baddie! What the fuck, Malenia!" Gilbert wailed, wiping the bitter green slime from his mouth with a sleeve that was already filthy. "You ruined it! We were having a moment! That was an S-Tier drop and you just deleted her!"
[LIVE FEED: UTAH SECTOR CHAT]
u-20329: "LMAO! Malenia just performed a mid-air execution on his girlfriend!"
SLC_Savage: "'My plant baddie'... I am actually going to jump off the Tabernacle. I can't take this anymore."
Utah_Momma_Jen: "Good for her! That thing was clearly going to eat him. Thank you, Golden Lady!" GamerGod_69: "The splash damage even got his cat-girl shirt. Today is a good day."
TrollFace_Provo: "10/10 entrance. Malenia doesn't do 'moments.' She only does 'Decommissioning'." u-1255: "Look at Gilbert's face. He's genuinely grieving a head of lettuce. What a legend."
"Shut it, chat!" Gilbert yelled, waving away the settling sediment, his face a mottled patch of red and green. "You would've done the same thing! Like, c'mon, are you saying you wouldn't after seeing those curves?!"
Malenia ignored him, her golden arm whirring as she pulled her blade from the remains of a second, much larger plant-warrior she had dragged down with her. She looked exhausted; her movements were still graceful, but there were deep scores in her armor and several fresh rips in her scarlet cape. She turned her eyeless helm toward Gilbert, her silence radiating a sense of lethal irritation.
"You are still alive," she remarked, her voice a low, dangerous hum. She looked at the sky, her posture tense. "I have attempted to fly beyond the borders of this city. I have sought the horizon until my wings burned. Yet, an unseen tether pulls me back. Whenever I reach the edge of your presence, the world itself rebels, dragging my soul back to this... area."
"So you can't go far without me, huh? Very nice—for me," Gilbert smiled, a secret, oily sense of triumph bubbling in his chest. 'She's literally forced to be my bodyguard,' he thought, feeling a thrill of power. 'It's like those forced-proximity romance tropes. She can act tough all she wants, but she's tethered to me like a pet.' He looked her over, noting the tattered edges of her clothing. His eyes lingered a second too long on a tear in the fabric near her shoulder, his mind wandering to places it had no business being.
Malenia's aura shifted instantly. The air grew cold, and the smell of rotting flowers intensified. She slowly began to unsheathe her sword, the steel singing a warning. "Why do you look at me with such a face, worm?"
"Wait! I wasn't staring at you! I, uh, um... I was staring at that being you crushed!" Gilbert pointed desperately at the pile of green mush that used to be the plant-girl. "I was just... mourning the loss of such a unique taste—I mean specimen! For science!"
Malenia looked down at the crushed body, then back at Gilbert. She seemed to accept the lie, though the hand on her hilt didn't relax.
[LIVE FEED: UTAH SECTOR CHAT]
SLC_Savage: "He almost got his head taken off. Again. He's playing with fire."
u-20329: "He's totally staring at the rips in her cape. Gilbert, stop. You're going to get us all killed." GamerGod_69: "She's starting to realize the 'tether' is a curse. I'd be mad too if I was stuck within 100 feet of a guy who smells like Mountain Dew."
Tech_Valley_Chad: "Look at her stats. She's taking damage. She needs a safe zone to recover mana, but he's just standing there being creepy."
Utah_Mom_88: "Someone needs to give that girl a blanket and a warm meal. She's doing all the work!"
Provo_Simp: "If Malenia dies, it's Gilbert's fault. I'm calling it now."
"So, uh, um, my lady. Are you tired from fighting? If so, I suggest—" Gilbert started, but the sound of her blade clicking fully out of its sheath silenced him.
"I am a warrior," Malenia spat, her voice vibrating with pride. "I have never known defeat. Do not think that a few scratches from these mindless vines have rendered me so weak that a creature like you could take advantage. I require no 'massage,' nor will I suffer your touch."
"I meant do you want to take a break to catch your breath? Maybe help me find a place to call home?" Gilbert scrambled to recover, his mind clicking into a manipulative gear. 'If I lose her, I'm dead. I have to play on her pride. She's a boss, and bosses hate losing by default.' "Plus, my lady, think about it. If I die... you die too. The System is cruel like that. You wouldn't want to lose your existence because of a 'mere condition,' right? A legendary swordsman like you can't accept a defeat that isn't an honorable duel. If I trip and get eaten by a shrub, that's a pretty pathetic way for the Blade of Miquella to go out."
Gilbert looked at her with a face that shouted 'You wouldn't want that, would you?' while silently praying she didn't decide the risk was worth the satisfaction of killing him.
Malenia was silent for a long beat. She raised her blade, the tip resting perfectly against the soft skin of Gilbert's throat. He could feel the cold metal trembling with her restrained fury. She pondered for a second, the wings of her helm shimmering. Finally, with a sharp, mechanical click, she retracted the blade.
"I do not know what void awaits me if your spark is extinguished," she whispered. "For that reason alone, you breathe. Lead the way, rotten scorn. Find your shelter. But do not think this tether is a bond of loyalty. It is a leash, and I am the hungry hound waiting for the day it snaps."
[LIVE FEED: UTAH SECTOR CHAT]
u-20329: "She let him live. Utah, we have another hour of this."
SLC_Savage: "Gilbert is the ultimate 'Luck' build. Maxed out Luck, zero in everything else." GamerGod_69: "Did he just use her own lore against her? That was actually... kind of smart for a neckbeard."
Mormon_Influencer: "It's so dramatic! I'm posting this to my story. #ApocalypseDrama #SaveUtah" ParkCity_Hiker: "They're entering the gym. 20 hours left. If the Gains-Ghouls don't get him, the smell in that Planet Fitness will."
Just_A_Nurse_82: "He's walking into a dark building with an angry goddess. This is the start of a horror movie."
Malenia stood amidst the emerald wreckage of the "plant-baddie," her golden prosthetic whirring with a soft, predatory hum as she flicked a glob of green ichor from her blade. She turned her eyeless helm toward the surrounding landscape—a jagged horizon of skyscrapers drowning in bioluminescent vines and prehistoric thickets. The density was suffocating; any path not maintained by constant violence was swallowed in minutes. "You speak of a sanctuary," she said, her voice echoing with a cold, metallic resonance. "What manner of 'home' did you have in mind for this tomb of a world? Speak quickly, for the air here grows heavy with the scent of more predators."
Gilbert looked around, his heart still doing a frantic drum-roll against his ribs. The surrounding area was a wall of thorns and glowing moss, too dense to identify any landmarks he once knew and far too dangerous to navigate without a seven-foot tall goddess of war. He straightened his cat-girl shirt and reached out a hand, trying to project a sense of calm leadership he absolutely did not possess. 'I have to look like a pro,' he told himself. 'I've lead dozens of raids. This is just a high-stakes escort mission.' "How about we walk and talk, my lady? We got off on a rough start—totally my fault, bad vibes all around—but I do want to know more about you. Especially since we're stuck together by this System tether whether you like it or not. Might as well build some rapport, right?"
Malenia didn't wait for him to finish. With a sound like a whip cracking, she slapped his hand away. The force of the strike sent a stinging vibration up Gilbert's arm, nearly making him drop his phone. "Do not presume to touch me, creature," she spat, her wings shimmering with irritation. "Start walking. Look for your walls and your roof. My patience is thin, but my sword remains sharp enough to solve our tether problem by other means if you continue this prattle." Gilbert rubbed his throbbing hand, forcing a nervous, greasy laugh to hide the fact that he was actually blinking back tears of pain. 'She's just a tsundere,' he reasoned internally, his ego refusing to accept the rejection. 'Standard behavior for a high-rank summon. I just need to break her ice.'
[LIVE FEED: UTAH SECTOR CHAT]
TrollFace_Provo: "Hey friend, you're not going to ask us for another recommendation? We've got a whole list of 'safe' locations just like the gym!"
SLC_Savage: "He's really trying the 'get to know you' phase after she almost liquidated his lungs. The delusion is reaching critical levels."
GamerGod_69: "She slapped the orange dust right off his knuckles. Malenia 5, Gilbert -100."
u-20329: "Look at his face. He's trying so hard not to cry on the live feed. This is better than any reality show."
Beehive_Babe_99: "Can we vote to have her slap him again? I feel like that would increase the 'Entertainment Value' the System likes."
Utah_Momma_Jen: "It's very rude to talk to a lady while staring at your screen, Gilbert. Put that toy away and pay attention!"
ParkCity_Hiker: "He's literally ignoring the fact that the bushes behind him are growling just to try and hold her hand. Simp-level: Apocalypse."
"Fuck you," Gilbert hissed at the phone, his thumb blurring as he scrolled past the insults. Malenia tilted her head, her eyeless visor fixed on the small, glowing black rectangle in his grip. She had noticed him whispering to it, shouting at it, and treating it with more reverence than the world around him. To her, it was an artifact of strange, stagnant sorcery. "You have spoken to that object since the moment of my summoning," she observed, her voice dropping to a tone of genuine, if cold, curiosity. "What is this black slate? Does it hold the spirits of your kin? Or is it the source of the invisible leash that binds us?"
"This phone?" Gilbert responded, feeling a sudden surge of pride in his technological "expertise." He held it up, the screen flickering with the rapid-fire hatred of Utah. "It's how me and the outside world interact. It's got the chat and my info... it's basically my brain in my pocket." Malenia paused, looking at the device, then slowly reached her hand out toward him. Gilbert's breath hitched. He looked at her open hand and then back at her helm, a smug, triumphant grin spreading across his face. 'She's finally coming around,' he thought. 'She wants to hold hands. The lore-accurate romance route is beginning! I knew she couldn't resist a man with this much potential.'
Gilbert reached out with his own hand, fingers splayed to interlock with hers, but before he could make contact, Malenia's arm moved with the speed of a striking viper. She swiped his hand aside like a nuisance and grabbed him firmly by the collar of his 3XL shirt, hoisting him off the ground until his sneakers dangled inches above the moss. "The object, worm," she hissed, her face inches from his. "I wish to examine the slate, not the clammy skin of your palm. Give it to me."
[LIVE FEED: UTAH SECTOR CHAT]
SLC_Savage: "HE THOUGHT SHE WANTED TO HOLD HANDS! I AM ACTUALLY DYING. SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE."
u-20329: "The way his legs are dangling... he looks like a confused kitten being picked up by its scruff."
GamerGod_69: "Malenia wants the loot! She's realizing the phone is the only thing of value in this entire province."
TrollFace_Provo: "Careful Malenia, if you look too closely at his search history, you might actually catch the Scarlet Rot for real."
u-1255: "I've never seen a man get friend-zoned so hard he got physically lifted into the air. This is a new record."
Just_A_Nurse_82: "His blood pressure is through the roof. If she shakes him, he might actually pop." Orem_Otaku: "She's going to break it. Please let her break it. End our suffering and turn off the stream."
Malenia's golden grip remained iron-clad on Gilbert's collar, her eyeless helm tilted as she stared into the flickering blue light of the smartphone. She didn't seem to mind the faint scent of sour sweat and unwashed hair wafting off the man she held aloft like a bag of laundry. Her focus was entirely on the waterfall of text—the collective consciousness of a million Utahns screaming into the void.
'She's reading it,' Gilbert thought, a cold shiver running down his spine that had nothing to do with the humidity. 'She's seeing what they're saying about the "Poodle of Provo." If she finds out I'm a joke to them, the "Master" leverage is gone. I need to get that phone back before she sees the search history.'
[LIVE FEED: UTAH SECTOR CHAT]
SLC_Savage: "LMAO. Malenia is officially reading the logs. Gilbert, prepare for immediate deletion." u-20329: "Look at his legs kicking! He looks like a turtle flipped on its back."
GamerGod_69: "She's seeing the 'Waifu' comments. It's over. We're losing our rep in T-minus 5 seconds."
TrollFace_Provo: "Hey Malenia! Scroll up! See the part where he asked to rub your feet!" Utah_Mom_Jen: "That poor woman. No one should have to read what's inside a young man's phone these days."
u-1255: "Wait, forget the phone. Look at the rooftop of the 7-Eleven behind them!"
Zion_Hiker_Ben: "There's a green shimmer in the vines. Something's aiming at them!"
Gilbert, dangling helplessly, saw it before Malenia did. High above the shattered glass of the gym entrance, a figure emerged from the thicket of mutated ivy. It was another plant-based humanoid, but thinner, its body made of flexible, willow-like wood. It held a longbow grown from its own arm, and it was currently drawing a glowing, thorned arrow back to its ear.
"M-Malenia! Another one! There's a plant-archer aiming a bow at me!" Gilbert shrieked, his voice reaching a pitch that only dogs and the deeply embarrassed could hear.
Despite his yelling, Malenia didn't flinch. She was still scrolling through the phone with her golden thumb, her visor reflecting the chaotic text of the chat. 'She's ignoring me!' Gilbert panicked, his chest wheezing. 'She's so disgusted by the chat she's going to let me get sniped! Is this the end?! My EX-Rank life hasn't even started its harem arc yet and I'm still a virgin!'
The creature on the roof didn't hesitate. With a sound like a snapping branch, it released the string.
The arrow, a jagged splinter of bioluminescent wood, whistled through the air, accelerating with a deadly, emerald glow directly toward Gilbert's exposed, sweating chest.
"MALENIA!!!" Gilbert screamed, his eyes squeezed shut, his double chin trembling as he prepared for the impact.