I had been staring at the white ceiling of my room for a few minutes now. For some unknown reason to me, it didn't look as white as before. Or maybe it was because of the way I was feeling at the moment—kind of fuller, happier even. Feelings were such a strange thing…
"What are you thinkin' 'bout?" I heard a voice pretty close to my head say, to which I turned to look at Ava, who was staring at me with a curious look painting her face.
"Nothing."
A few weeks had passed since her first visit to my home. After that afternoon, it started to become our small tradition. When my mum was not at home, which did happen a lot thanks to her busy job and new dating life. However, as I was always trying to match my free time with Ava's, my mum wanted to also spend some time with me, so it was a little harder. Not that I complained, because I liked to spend some time with my family, after all.
As I watched Ava, I felt a smile spread on my face, which matched the one she had at the moment. She looked so beautiful, lying there and smiling at me. Her green eyes sparkling thanks to the sunlight from the window. What a beautiful day it was. What a beautiful day to lie in my bed…
"I like your eyes," I told her, turning fully onto my side so I could touch her cheek better with my fingertips.
"Really?"
Nodding, I leaned closer to her to peck her lips. And soon enough, we were back to making out just like minutes ago. Exchanging slow and deep kisses with our tongues interacting.
Ava then climbed on my lap, straddling my thighs as her hands caught my face in them, kissing me right after. In exchange, I let my hands wander to her waist and under her cream sweater.
"H—how can your hands still be cold?" she asked, taking in a breath at the touch of my fingers with her bare skin.
Shrugging, I leaned in to kiss her again to make her shut up. Which she immediately did, tangling her fingers into my hair before tugging at it. I sighed—or more like moaned—making her let out a short laugh as I did what she wanted, again. My reaction seemed to make her go for more as her lips left mine and started putting small kisses from my right cheek to right under my right ear. I couldn't stop the few moans then.
"We can go to mine next weekend," Ava whispered as she stopped kissing my skin for a short moment.
I nodded, opening my eyes, I didn't even know I had closed, "Sure."
"So…" Ava continued, kissing down the length of my neck as I let my hands wander up her back, "second round?"
Chuckling, I nodded even though we got dressed not so long ago. The afternoon seemed to be full of fun today. And I was glad for that. There was no way we were going to stop until later.
I pushed onto Ava's shoulder, making her fall onto the bed, which made her giggle. Smirking to myself, I went to tower over her as I propped myself on my palms on both sides next to her head. Ava stared back at me with those captivating green eyes, waiting for my next step. Which I did soon after as I pushed myself up and took off my oversized t-shirt for the second time today, making her smirk to herself.
"You're hot," Ava whispered as her eyes went over my newly exposed skin, even though it wasn't for the first time today. Putting her hands on the back of my neck, she brought me down to kiss her.
"Thanks," I murmured into the kiss, placing my hands back next to her head to steady myself. "You too."
"Sidney? Are you here, sweetheart?" I suddenly heard my mum call, to which the door to my room opened before the two of us could react.
I felt my breath hitch as I stared at Ava, whose eyes went wide open. None of us moved. At least, I couldn't hear any movement from the door area. And I refused to look in my mum's direction. I just couldn't bring myself to. Not at that moment.
"Sidney?" Ava broke the silence surrounding us. Her eyes were searching mine as we stayed in the same position that suddenly felt too weird, too uncomfortable.
Blinking, I pushed myself off Ava and looked at the door, which was now left slightly ajar. Mum was nowhere to be seen. I didn't even realise she left. And for some reason, I wasn't even glad that she was no longer in the room. But I should have been.
"Hey…" Ava whispered, touching my arm as she probably wanted to make sure I was okay. But to no good; I wasn't okay and couldn't understand how she was so calm at that moment. There was a storm in my mind at that moment because, as much as I used to be sure my parents would accept me at some point in our lives… I wasn't prepared for this kind of situation.
I took a deep breath, glancing at Ava, who was now sitting next to me with a worried look on her face. I had no idea what to do then. Although I should have gone after my mother to… talk. Probably. And put that bloody t-shirt on.
"Just… stay here," I told Ava, putting on said t-shirt and getting up from my bed with the plan of carefully having a chat with my mum.
"You sure?" Ava asked.
I only nodded my head at her and went out of my room, while taking in a deep breath before heading into the living room, where I saw my mum sitting on the couch with a blank expression on her face.
The feeling I felt at that moment, staring at her, was… very uncomfortable. I had no idea what to say since I was just hoping to avoid having a conversation about my sexuality with my parents forever. And her finding out this way… it might have done me a little favor. At least I didn't have to initiate the conversation from the beginning. Kind of.
"Mum?"
My eyes fell on her right after I spoke up. She stared blankly at the turned-off TV for a moment before slowly turning her head to face me. Still, she said nothing, gave me nothing.
Sighing, I went to sit down beside her, leaving a little distance between us, before speaking up, "I… I thought you were gettin' back later."
Silence surrounded us once again as she was probably settling her thoughts. At least that was what I thought she was doing. I could only hope that nothing bad would come out of this.
"Mum, I—I don't know what to say to you."
The expression on my mum's face finally changed into a better one just a second before she spoke, "I'm just surprised, sweetheart. And I should've knocked, but you weren't answerin' and I got a bit concerned."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry," I looked down at my lap, biting my lips in the act.
A few seconds later, I felt a hand on my shoulder that made me look up at my mother's face. She gave me a sad smile before speaking again, "There's no reason for you to apologise. I am sorry if my reaction scared you."
Furrowing my eyebrows, I stared back at her. A big rock fell from my heart. She didn't despise me. She didn't hate me for who I was. I was safe and felt like crying from happiness.
"I just got a little surprised," my mum shook her head, sighing. Then she brought me into a hug that both of us really needed. And at that moment, I indeed felt my eyes water. "I'm so sorry I scared you," she whispered into my hair, making me sob even more.
Sniffling, I pushed away from my mother, who then brushed away the hair I had in my face. I sighed, not knowing what to say at that moment. She knew now, and that was it. Although I was quite happy that she still loved me, as I knew many children hadn't been that lucky, I wanted to lock myself in my room immediately.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Mum asked suddenly, making me frown. I just shrugged. I had no reason to tell her, but also no reason to keep it a secret. "As a public worker, it would be wrong of me to judge such minorities, you know. And I do not. We are all only people, after all. And I am your mother," she stared at me before gently smiling, "What kind of mother would I be to not love my child because of who you are?"
This time I frowned even more. Minorities? Okay… But otherwise, what was I supposed to say now? To that? Was there even a right answer to give?
"Is that girl your girlfriend?"
I stared back at Mum, glad that she dropped the previous topic of our conversation. As much as she tried to sound assuring… which she very much did, I was too overwhelmed to think straight at the moment.
"I… we haven't talked about that yet."
Talking about this matter wasn't something I wanted to do. Definitely not with any of my parents. It would probably be bad enough to initiate such a conversation with Ava. Thankfully, Mum didn't say anything and instead studied my face with her eyes. I could only guess what was going on in her mind. She was trying to get used to this, as she had said. Hearing that did hurt, even though I was happy she was okay with me being me. What a fucked up world we are living in…
I couldn't say how many minutes went by by the time I heard someone come into the living room. As I glanced away from my mother, my eyes fell on Ava, who seemed to be quite nervous, standing there. I could understand. My mum saw the two of us in an intimate situation, which was not very comfortable.
"So," my mum started, brushing away the hair I had on my face, "you are?"
"Ava."
Ava's eyes darted from my mum to me as she scratched the back of her hand. She was not out to anyone but me, after all. I could only imagine what was going on inside her head.
"Nice to meet you. So… I'm gonna do some work," Mum announced before getting up from the couch and leaving for the kitchen, where she took out her laptop from her bag.
That was it. I was left with Ava to talk about her worries, most likely. At least I thought it was going to be our next conversation. And so, I stood up and nodded at her to follow me back into my room.
"Do not close the door, Sidney," I heard my mum's voice call behind us as I let Ava walk into my room first. Sighing, I pushed the door to make it as closed as it could be with a room between it and the lining.
Ava sighed as she sat down on my bed, keeping her head low whilst fidgeting. She probably got nervous and maybe even worried, from the time the chat I had with my mum took. I could understand that.
"I think she took it alright," I stated, sitting down next to her.
"That's good."
Nodding, I looked down at my lap. I didn't know Ava's situation at home, but I felt like she was scared of their reaction a little too much. On another thought, her worries could be justified, I wouldn't know. Or perhaps she was just waiting for the right time? Like some people did, after they had found a place to live and steadied their lives. This society was messed up in some aspects, for sure.
"What 'bout your family?"
Ava sighed, slowly turning her head to bore her green eyes into mine, "Conservative."
Furrowing my eyebrows, I stared back at her, not knowing what to say. Was there even anything I could say to her? To that? Something that wouldn't hurt her feelings?
"The plan is to keep it a secret till I'm at college and probably have somewhere else to live."
I nodded again. Having a plan was always a good thing. Definitely. In my opinion, at least. If my family were conservative, I would probably do that too. Thankfully, they weren't, and I was never more glad for that; for having these people as my family.