After a quiet night, John went to work as usual the next morning. Taking advantage of the time alone, Shen Hui took a warm shower and changed into fresh clothes, hoping it would help her feel more rejuvenated. However, the lingering weakness in her body left her so exhausted that she had to lie down on the sofa, resting her head against John's pillow. She closed her eyes for a moment and caught a faint trace of his scent, one she had unknowingly grown fond of. Comforted by it, she stayed there for a full hour before she finally began to feel a bit better. At noon, she was about to heat up the leftovers from previous night when John unexpectedly came back with a food box. He asked gently:
"Are you feeling better?"
She nodded, offering him a tired but grateful smile, and replied:
"Much better, thank you!" Noticing the food box on the table, she added, "Please don't go to any extra trouble. There are still some leftovers we can heat up."
John shook his head, his tone light:
"It's no trouble at all. We can save the leftovers for dinner. If you're feeling better tomorrow, to be honest, I would love to taste your cooking again."
Shen Hui smiled faintly in return, touched by the casual warmth in his voice. They ate in quiet companionship, the silence more thoughtful than strained. For Shen Hui, returning to live in John's apartment felt deeply awkward. She wasn't sure whether she owed him an apology for her leaving so abruptly last time nor did she know how to navigate their relationship, especially since he had repeatedly come to her aid time and again, rescuing her one crisis after another. His care had brought her a rare sense of warmth in this unfamiliar city of Peking, where she had neither family nor close friends. Now that he had become her guarantor, she constantly reminded herself not to creat any more trouble for him. With no way to contact her family, trapped in Peking under pressure, and her closest classmates either arrested or missing, she felt utterly helpless. Apart from John, there was no one she could turn to. Lowering her head, she muttered softly:
"I'm really sorry for leaving without a word last time. I don't know how to thank you for everything you have done for me."
John didn't respond immediately but when she glanced up, she found him watching her with a quiet, unreadable expression. His gaze made her blush. At this moment, he said:
"You should take a nap this afternoon. It is time for me to get back to work."
He cleared the table, took the trash and left without another word.
Shen Hui felt as though she had been confined on bed for several days. Believing that light exercise and fresh air would help her recovery, she decided to take a short walk after their silent dinner. At first, she intended to go alone, mindful that John had worked all day and might be tired. But to her surprise, he offered to accompany her.
To ease the tension, as they strolled under the fading light, Shen Hui avoided the earlier topic at noon and tried to find neutral topics to chat with him. However, she noticed that he seemed a little distracted, responding absently to her efforts at conversation. This made her, already uneasy with small talk, feel even more awkward. She simply followed him in silence, wandering the streets at a leisurely pace. After a long while, he came to stop and turned to look at her intently as if he had something to say but couldn't quite bring himself to speak. It seemed he was still wrestling with his thoughts so he just stared at her. Feeling uncomfortable under his gaze, she shifted slightly and was about to turn away when he suddenly seemed to summon his courage and said:
After a while, he stopped and turned to her, his expression uncertain.
He hesitated, as if weighing something important, then said,
"You apologized earlier for leaving without a word. But you didn't have to. I understand why you left."
He took a breath.
"In fact, I should be the one to apologize. I let my feelings get ahead of me. That night we danced… I let myself believe there was something between us, and I crossed a line. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"You apologized to me earlier for leaving without a word last time, but you didn't have to. I understand why you left. In fact, I should be the one to apologize to you. During that time, I began to develop ... the special feelings for you. At first, I told myself it was just admiration or concern but the truth is..." he took a breath and continued, "I like you, no, I love you. To be honest, when I found out that you were engaged, I was deeply disappointed and tried hard to bury those feelings, to stay rational, to respect your situation. But that night we had dinner, drank red wine and danced together, especially when you leaned close to me, I couldn't hold back anymore. That was why I kissed you... and touched you. And you didn't resist alot. On the contrary, I felt that you responded ---- you kissed me back. I found you enjoyed it a lot." He paused again and then continued more softly, "But I also understand your Chinese culture and customs so I thought about you, about your engagement. That was the reason I held back and didn't sex with you. I knew what that night might mean for you, not just for me. When you left without a word, I was torn between two feelings, heartbreak and relief, mixed together in my mind at the same time. I thought that maybe we would be the end of it and the time would help me forget and dilute my love but it had the opposite effect. The longer you were gone, the more I missed you. I realized I'd truly fallen in love with you. As soon as I heard about your arrest, I didn't hesitate for a second. I had to rescue you. So..." Saying this, he pulled her into his arms and whispered, "Shen Hui, I'm not letting you go this time."
After that, he kissed her passionately, almost domineeringly.
It was late. Although there were not many people on the street, a few passersby glanced at them with curious eyes. Shen Hui felt a surge of embarrassment and anger, wishing there was a crack in the ground for her to crawl into. So she pushed him away with all her strength and fled, running all the way back home quickly.
As soon as she entered the bedroom, she locked the door, sat on the bed and replayed his words over and over in her mind. She was shocked that he loved her. Then what about her own feelings? She asked herself: Didn't I enjoy chatting with him? Didn't I feel happy when we were together? That night ... I didn't resist him. On the contrary, I responded ---- welcomed his kisses, his touch. Didn't I think about him all the time when I was away from him? Could it be that I have fallen in love with him too? No, it was impossible. I'm engaged. I can't betray my Tao Ge. No, I couldn't fall in love with John. I have already let Tao Ge down. I can't get even more entangled. What should I do? Leave! Yes, I have to leave as soon as possible. Once I'm away from him, I will be safe. I'll forget him. I will definitely do this.
She steeled herself in conviction, then stood up and walked out of the room. In the living room, she found John slouched on the sofa, a half-empty bottle of brandy on the table. He drained a glass in one gulp, then poured himself another, looking at her with a hopeful expression as she took a seat on the single armchair. Avoiding his gaze, she lowered her head and spoke softly:
"I'm sorry but I have to let you down. I...I can't love you. In order to avoid making things more complicated, I think it is best for me to leave. This will be better for both of us."
His hopeful gaze dimmed instantly. He drained the rest of his drink in one gulp and then poured himself another glass, looking at her with a slightly intoxicated, sidelong glance. He said:
"Let me ask you a question. If you weren't engaged or you didn't have a fiance, would you be with me?"
Hearing this question, Shen Hui suddenly panicked and didn't know how to answer him. Fortunately, she kept her head lowered, hiding the turmoil in her eyes, but her voice betrayed her unease as she stammered:
"This..., this..., maybe, I don't know."
He let out a bitter laugh, said nothing more and continued sipping his drink. She finally lifted her head and looked at him with a mix of fear and concern. Suddenly as if remembering something urgent, she quickly asked:
"If I leave here, will it cause trouble for you with the police?"
He glanced at her anxious expression and asked softly:
"Do you care about me?" Seeing her eager to explain, he immediately raised his hand to stop her and continued, "It doesn't matter. I will just tell them that we have broken up. Besides, they won't do anything to an American. Don't worry."
At this moment, she felt guilt for him as she watched him pour another glass of the alcohol. She had never seen him drink like this before so heavily and despondently. She quickly stood up, stepped forward and tried to take the bottle on the table and the glass in his hand. But just as her fingers touched the glass, he suddenly grabbed her wrist, pulling her into his arms with a force that startled her. His eyes, slightly glazed from the alcohol, locked onto hers as he murmured:
"If you're going to leave, then...give me a farewell kiss."
With that, he emptied the glass of liquor into his mouth, then pressed his lips onto hers, letting the fiery liquid flow into her mouth. She was overwhelmed, first by the burn of the alcohol then by the unexpected force of his kiss. Taking advantage of her momentary disorientation, he pried her lips open with his tongue, deepening the kiss. She tried desperately to push him away but he seized her wrists, pinning them behind her back, using his body to press her onto the sofa. Her resistance was feeble against his fervent kisses. She realized with growing dread that this time he wouldn't stop. And indeed, as she had feared, he tore her clothes off and raped her.
Although tears streamed down her face and her body was sore, she weakly resisted his rough movement; yet, despite her will, her body betrayed her struggle. The sensations still compelled her to respond to his sexual, which only deepened her feelings of shame and confusion. He vented his desires and sense of possession on her, using various means and positions.
That night he pushed her to the edge again and again, and their mutual feelings mingling and filling the dimly lit room throughout this long dark night. Exhausted and dazed, she finally fell asleep, her body weak and her mind in turmoil. Before she drifted off, she heard his voice, whispering softly in her ear:
"I told you I wouldn't let you go this time."
The next day tears streamed down Shen Hui's face as she lay weakly in bed after John had left for work. She knew deep down that she could no longer and didn't deserve to be her Tao Ge's wife. But did she resent John? She asked herself this question and the answer was no. She didn't hate him. Although he had raped her last night, she didn't have entirely resisted him. She had responded to his kisses and touches, even surrendering herself in some way. No matter how hard she tried to push the memories away, she couldn't help but recall their passionate lovemaking, feeling her breathy moans and the tremors of her body, how she had lost herself completely in that moment. Her eyes were blurred with tears and she felt her body stir involuntarily at the thought. Disgusted with herself, she slapped her own cheek and scolded:
"You are fickle and lewd."
From then on, John found himself incredibly happy with his current life. He was busy rushing home after work every day. Shen Hui had fully embraced her role as a housewife everyday, doing the grocery shopping, cooking meals and waiting patiently for his return. Their evenings were filled with long walks, conversations over glasses of red wine, music and dancing. Their passion spilled into every corner of the apartment ---- the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom and the bedroom. He felt drawn to her body like a magnet. He couldn't resist making love to her once or twice each day until he was completely exhausted. Finally, he had to force himself to sleep on the sofa just to conserve enough strength.
But what made him depressed was that even after more than a month of living happily together and despite the fact that he told her "I love you" every single day, she had never once said those words back to him. If she didn't love him, it didn't make sense because he could feel her happiness, her enthusiasm and the unmistakable passion she showed during their most intimate moments. He wanted to ask her, just to hear her say it aloud. But he was afraid that if he forced her to say it, the words would lose all meaning. What he truly longed for was to hear her say "I love you" on her own ---- genuinely, unprompted, and from the depths of her heart.