Li Weiwen leaned against the edge of the kang, cradling her newborn baby in her arms. She gazed tenderly at the tiny face, then instinctively loosened her collar and gently pressed the baby's soft head to her chest. As she watched the child struggle to suckle the first drops of breast milk, a wave of motherly love welled up inside her. Just then, Liu Yun came in, carrying a bowl of steaming millet porridge with a peeled egg resting inside. Seeing that bowl and then looking at Liu Yun, Li Weiwen felt her eyes grow moist with gratitude. In a faint, trembling voice, she said softly:
"Thank you whether you're doing this for Yungang or for this child."
Liu Yun sighed and said:
"Yes, I'm doing it for them, not for you." she lifted her head, her eyes flickering with hesitation, then added in lower voice:
"If I told you the real reason I'm helping you, you might hate me for it or maybe wish me dead. You wouldn't be thanking me then."
Li Weiwen looked at her in confusion. Liu Yun seemed to be struggling with herself as though making a painful decision. Finally, she spoke the words she had been holding back:
"Li Weiwen, let me...let me raise this child."
Without a second thought, Li Weiwen replied:
"No, impossible! This is my child. I will never give him to anyone. He is Yungang's only flesh and blood."
Sitting on the edge of the kang, Liu Yun said softly, trying to persuade her:
"Don't refuse me so quickly, so decisively. Just think it over, Weiwen. Your background and your present situation ---- all of it will bring more misfortunate to this child. He will suffer for rest of his life if he stays with you. And besides, you and Yungang were never truly married. This child will bear the label of a 'bastard' forever. The gossip, the sneers ---- they will destroy him. But I am different. Whatever else, my father was an old revolutionary. I will never have problems because of my family background. And my present situation is far better than yours. At least I can guarantee that this child will have enough food to eat, good clothes to wear and that no one will dare to bully him. Li Weiwen, think about it, think about this child and think about his future."
By the time she finished, her voice had grown hoarse, choked with emotion. Her eyes shone with a desperate, earnest plea as she looked at Li Weiwen. And that sincerity ---- that aching look, touched something deep inside Li Weiwen's heart. Her defense softened, and she said quietly:
"Doc. Liu, I know you mean well. I understand that you are doing this purely for the child's sake. But I can't agree with you. A mother is always her child's shelter. No matter how poor, no matter how hard life gets, a mother should never give her child away. That's what my own mother taught me. " She paused for a moment. When she spoke again, her voice was in tremble with sorrow, "Actually I have always admired my mother. When she gave birth to me, she was less than 20 years old. From what I know, my father left China on the very day she delivered me. He never even saw my face. But my mother never once thought of abandoning me. Looking at my eyes which is so different from everyone else's. She knew what kind of judgment and misunderstanding she would face. Yet she stood strong, shielding me from the world as best she could. She bore everything alone. When I was a child, I wasn't mature enough to understand. Sometimes I wasn't kind to her. I even hated her, resented her for falling in love with an American and giving birth a freak like me. But after I met Guo Yungang, I completely understood my parents. Love has no reason, no boundaries ---- not of race, not of class, not of anything. Love is simply love. And when two people truly love each other and bring a child into the world, how could a mother ever abandon that child? It's her duty, her sacred duty, to raise and teach that child. Even if I have nothing, it's far more important for me to teach my child how to be a good person." By now, tears were glimmering in her eyes. Thinking of Guo Yungang, her voice grew hoarse and broken, "In addition, he is Yungang's child. I love him. How could I possibly give away the only blood he left in this world? I know that if the child were in your hands, you would treat him as your own because you love Yungang too. But no, I can't. Yungang, up in the heaven, would never agree to this because the person he loved was me, not you. And Liu Yun, you're not so young any more. I think you will soon marry and have children of your own. You might love this child now, but what about your future husband? Will he accept this child? Will he treat him kindly? And if he ever finds out that Yungang still lives in your heart, will he take his anger out on this child? If it happens, will you be able to protect this child? Can you promise me that?"
After she finished speaking, she stared hard at Liu Yun who sat there in confusion. Words seemed to fail her. The room sank into a long, heavy silence. Then, suddenly, Liu Yun lowered her head and her shoulders began to tremble. At last, she could no longer hold back. Covering her face with both hands, she broke down, sobbing uncontrollably ---- tears spilling out all the bitterness and grievances she had buried for so long. Seeing her like that, Li Weiwen grew anxious and hurriedly asked:
"Doc. Liu, what's wrong with you? Do you really want my child?"
Liu Yun shook her head and her tears flew down between her fingers. After a long pause, she said softly:
"I...I truly loved Yungang ---- loved him deeply but he never loved me. I knew his heart belonged to you. I couldn't accept it. I hated you and I hated him. I just wanted to break you two apart. So I asked my father to investigate your background. He went to the Revolutionary Committee and asked Wu Nairen for help. Director Wu didn't really handle it himself, but out of respect for my father, he had his son, Wu Wei, do it for me. I never expected that Wu Wei was a monster. He took advantage of that chance to rape me. But at that time I was blinded by hatred. Even though I was hurt, I still wanted to destroy your relationship with Yungang. So I spread the truth about your background and had you publicly denounced ---- thinking that would vent my hatred. I wanted everyone to condemn you, to see you humiliated and thought that would make me feel better. But I never imagined Wu Wei would never let me go. He forced himself on me again and again. I told myself that if I could make him marry me, it would be over. I was so naive. He was nothing but a scoundrel, a pervert. He even handed me over to Wang Fusheng, who had just been transferred here, and made us have sex right in front of him. He said it was to 'compensating' Wang, since he had raped Wang's girlfriend before and wanted to make amends. In truth, Wu Wei simply despised Wang Fusheng and, pretending to be generous, gave me to him as a gift. But fearing my father's anger, he forced Wang Fusheng to marry me."
Her voice fell almost to a whisper, but she went on:
"Not long after, I found out I was pregnant. Wu Wei refused to acknowledge it ang Wu Fusheng said it couldn't be his because we had sexed only once. I had no choice but to have an abortion. Now Wang Fusheng is pressuring my father to have him transferred out of here, which is the condition that Wang married me, but my father doesn't have that authority. So Wang forced me to beg Wu Wei. And unbelievably, he agreed... and then took advantage of me again. Now the marriage approval for Wang Fusheng and me has already been issued and his transfer order will come soon. It's only to the county town, a bit better than here. I don't love my husband, which is why I thought of your child, the flesh and blood of the man I truly loved."
Hearing this, Li Weiwen felt a surge of mixed emotions ---- pity, anger, sorrow and helplessness ---- all rising and falling in her heart. She reached out gently and took Liu Yun's hand, her fingers were cold and trembling. With quiet care, she placed her fingertips on Liu Yun's wrist, feeling her pulse in the old traditional way. After a moment, she took out a piece of paper and wrote down two prescriptions. Handing it to her, she said softly:
"Doc. Liu, your body is quite weak. It seems you didn't take proper care of yourself after the miscarriage. I have written two prescriptions for you. Start with this one, taking five doses. It will help repair the internal damage caused by the miscarriage and restore your vital energy. If you're able to come back here, I will examine you again. But if you can't, then take the other one instead. It has meant to nourish your blood and strengthen your energy. Also take five doses, taken two or three courses with intervals in between. Combine it with some nourishing food, and your body will recover soon. "
Liu Yun took the paper, tears welling up in her eyes again. Her voice trembled as she choked out:
"Li Weiwen, I'm sorry. It was me who harmed your sister and Yungang. It was me who forgot to broadcast the weather forecast. It was me who caused Instructor Zhang and his family to be transferred away, letting all the blame fall on him. It was me who allowed Wu Fusheng do do those things to you. Even when I came here to help deliver your baby, I had a purpose behind it." Her voice trembled as she went on, the words spilling out between sobs. " In fact, afterward I felt nothing but pain and regret. Whenever I think of all the terrible things I have done to you ---- how I destroyed your lives for nothing ---- I realize I gained nothing in return. Nothing! Instead, I have ended up like this. And yet you still think of me, still care enough to give me prescriptions to heal my body. I...I...." Her voice collapsed completely. She buried her face in her hands and wept uncontrollably. After a long silence, she finally raised her head and looked at Li Weiwen. Her eyes were red and swollen, her voice hoarse as she sighed heavily. She added, "The new company commander will be assigned by the local government in Jiu Qun. They say he is being sent here because he, too, offended Wu Nairen. Yu Dayong, the current political instructor, is about to be reassigned. His replacement will come from Xin Jiang, an demobilized soldier who once served in the same company as Guo Yungang. He also comes from the military corps. You can tell him what happened between you and Yungang. Maybe he will take care of you. But listen to me, don't expect too much and don't depend on anyone. In times like these, people's hearts are no longer as they once were. Trust is rare and everyone suspects everyone else. In addition, more Red Guards may come here in the future. They probably won't let you off easily either. But don't be afraid. You have already endured the worst. Their methods are the same old ones." She paused, her voice softening, "I will leave in a few days. Apart from my own belongings, I have prepared a few things for the child."
After her words, she reached for a large cloth bag and placed it in front of Li Weiwen. Inside were several pieces of fabric and a few precious eggs. She added:
"It wasn't easy for me to get these. Please don't reject them. They're for the child. And you ... take good care of yourself. I have to go."
With that, she turned quickly to leave but Li Weiwen caught her arm and said:
"Wait, there's something I have been wanting to ask you. For a long time now, someone has been secretly sending me some goat's milk, fruit and clothes for the baby. Do you know who has been doing that?"
Liu Yun turned back to look at her. A faint, tired smile appearing on her face as she said softly:
"Weiwen, even though the people here usually ignore you and even denounce you during the criticism meetings, everyone knows deep down what kind of person you are. They all know how you have treated them. So those things are their gifts to you. The baby's clothes were made by the girls in the dormitory. They pooled their cloth ration coupon to buy fabric. They didn't hide it from me. So, if it weighs on your conscience, you can repay them in your own way, helping them when someone falls sick or needs medicine. That will make things even. As for your medicine box I destroyed, I can't pay it back. But I will send you some Chinese herb seeds when I get to the county town. Most people here can't tell medicinal herbs from wild plants so you can grow them like flowers. I believe they will be useful to you."
Then she reached for her own medical kit, the one she had carried with her for years, and placed it in Li Weiwen's hands. She said quietly:
"Here, take this. I don't think I will be needing it anymore."
Without another word, she turned and walked out the door. This time she truly left. From that day on, Li Weiwen would never hear any information about Liu Yun.