Homura was pretty sure that this time, she was actually going to die.
"There once was a hero named Ragnar the Red, who came riding to Whiterun from ole Rorikstead!
And the braggart did swagger and brandish his blade, as he told of bold battles and gold he had made!"
Theodor had been singing the same bard song for Three. Hours. He didn't even have a good voice; it was scratchy and off-key and he'd forget half the words only to remember them and then go back and do it again. Once he'd even attempted to rap the damn thing and Homura had wanted to curl up into a ball and just shoot herself.
"Can you stop singing that song?" she asked as he danced behind her jovially, "Please?"
He paused, briefly looking hurt but then the wide grin returned, "Ah, see? Manners are nice."
Homura breathed a sigh of sweet relief as her headache finally had a chance to abate.
… And then he started up a new song.
"Welcome be you, merry drunkards!
Come along and drain your tumblers
Fifteen times they will be raised
So we start to count away
One mug for the joy of being
Two mugs for the clerics reading
Three mugs for the needy souls…"
Homura resisted the urge to scream, but was thankfully stopped when she saw the sign.
"Welcome to Frost Creek!"
"Finally." Homura sighed as Theodor's song trailed off.
"Think your friend's still here?" Theodor asked as they entered the sleepy village nestled within the swamp. A handful of kids were playing tag and the sounds of the nearby wood mill added some much-need ambiance to the otherwise silent swamp that had seen a recent snow.
"No," Homura replied, walking forward with purpose, "But I can pick up her trail. You, farmhand!" she pointed at a random passer-by as she directed herself towards him.
"Um…" the quiet middle-aged nord muttered, "I'm…actually a carpen—"
"Madoka Kaname, have you seen her? Pink hair, my age, slightly shorter than me" Homura asked in her usual cold fashion.
The nord backed up slightly in alarm at being suddenly accosted, "… Madoka…? Oh…" he thought for a second, "You mean the other akaviri girls? Yeah, she was here with her friends about a week, week and a half ago."
"Friends?" Homura asked him.
The nord shrugged, "Uh… a blonde girl and some poor girl with blue hair I think. I didn't really get to know them, but I think the blue one was injured somehow."
So, Mami and Sayaka had made it here as well with no sign of Kyoko or Nagisa—though at this point Homura would find it odd if they hadn't made it here; maybe they landed somewhere else? Also, Sayaka was injured, meaning the girl probably (and characteristically) had bitten off far more than she could chew. Still, that was confirmation enough for Homura that her mental prison had indeed ended when she'd lost her demon powers.
"Where did they go?"
"I'm… not sure, actually," the man said, "You should check with Bren and Aia; they run the apothecary up the street there," he pointed at one of the larger huts, "Can't miss it. The girls stayed with them for a bit, I'm sure they know where they went."
Homura glared into his eyes, her piercing stare unnerving him before she replied, "Very well, thank you." She turned and left, and Theodor gave the man a small bow with a wide smile that further unsettled him before he left and hurried down the street away from the weird visitors.
Homura marched down the street to the apothecary and was about to open the door when someone interrupted.
"Ah, Bren and Aia went took a day trip to Morthal for supplies, I think," an old man said, standing a few steps away, "Apologies, I don't think they'll be in today."
Homura grunted in annoyance; of course it wouldn't be that easy. Now she'd have to wait, and that would put her even further behind Madoka's trail. She turned to the old man, "And who are you?"
The old man chuckled, "Apologies, where are my manners. My name is Wulf, and you are…?"
"Homura Akemi," she gave the slightest of bows, "I'm looking for someone I know. Have you seen Madoka Kaname?"
Wulf's face lit up, "Ah, I should have known!" he said with a warm smile, "You're Homura. She told me so much about you."
Homura froze, "She… she did?"
"Spoke the world of you."
A blush crept across the black-haired girl's face despite herself before she shook her head in embarrassment, "Where—where did she go? Do you know?"
"They left for the College of Winterhold about a week and a half ago. They were hoping to find answers for a few of their questions… and their friends. If you hurry, you might be able to catch them."
The College. Homura did some rough mental calculations; Madoka would probably have just gotten there which meant that she had time to catch up. She paused; Theodor and Wulf were giving the other rather odd looks.
"Do… you two know each other?" she asked out of curiosity at the sudden tenseness.
"Of a sort," Wulf said.
Theodor grinned, "Old roommates, you could say. Brothers of another mother," he resisted a laugh at something only he found funny, "Going by Wulf these days, hm?"
"It suits me," the old man said, "How's Martin?" he asked warningly.
Theodor's eyes narrowed as the smile dropped, "How's Zurin?"
The two sized the other up for a moment, before Wulf nodded at Homura warmly, "It was good to meet you, Homura Akemi. I hope you find your friends." With that the old man left, casually strolling away.
Homura felt a little out of sorts. She wasn't used to being the one lacking information, "… What was that about?" she asked Theodor.
The man laughed as his joviality returned, "Wulf? Ah, don't worry about him. He's a bit younger than he lets on and tends to get a bit uppity. Shall we?" he motioned to the road. Noting that she probably wouldn't get much out of him, Homura sighed and nodded, preparing to head back to Morthal so they could rejoin the main road; she'd hoped to get there by nightfall—the thought of spending a night at an inn with a real bed was tempting.
"One of your friends is injured, eh?" Theodor asked innocently.
Homura frowned, "She's not my friend."
"Isn't she?" the man mused, "Huh, you seem concerned at least."
"I'm not concerned," the girl glared at the ground in front of her, "She's troublesome and annoying. My life would be much easier without her."
"Oh really? What about the other girl? The blonde? Is she annoying too?"
Just as troublesome, but less annoying… more bittersweet? Tragic? Still not a friend, "Stop trying to psychoanalyze me," Homura said sharply, turning to him only to find he wasn't there.
"So what are you gonna do when you meet up with Madoka again?" Theodor asked, now on her other side.
Homura nearly jumped, "What—" she composed herself, "The same as I always do. I'm going to protect her."
"How?"
"From a distance, whatever that entails," Homura said, "As long as she's safe and happy she's better off without me."
"From what?"
Homura paused even as she kept marching. She… didn't really have an answer. She wasn't a goddess anymore, she wasn't a magical girl anymore, there weren't any incubators… Madoka was capable, she knew that. She didn't have anything Madoka didn't, and Madoka even had Mami with her. Why was she following? Why was she still doing this?
She couldn't just let it go only to find out later she'd been killed though, could she? What else could she do?
"Huh, it seems like a waste of your time, is all," Theodor said when she didn't reply.
Homura glared at him, "What do you mean?"
"I mean, you clearly don't like her."
"What?!" Homura exclaimed in disbelief, anger bubbling up.
Theodor mentally ticked off boxes, "Well, you don't like her friends, you apparently don't like her hobbies or whatever, you don't want to be near her, you hurt her but don't want to apologize—"
Useless. Good-for-nothing. Liar. Blockhead. Coward. Coldhearted. Selfish. Stubborn. Stupid-looking. Evil. Filth, filth, filth. FILTH.
"Just Shut. UP!" Homura demanded, wheeling around on the old man in frustration. She clenched her shaking hands into fists, trying to get her body under control. Her breath was shaky at the sudden burst of anger, pain, and self-resentment, "Just… stop talking for five minutes!" She knew she was a monster; she didn't need it thrown back at her by some worthless nobody who intentionally misrepresented her thoughts and actions.
Theodor continued, seemingly oblivious to her pain, "Maybe you just want to control her. Like a puppet—"
With a flash of rage, the relatively small girl grabbed the larger man by the collar and pulled him down to her level, "How dare you," she hissed.
"Am I wrong?" he asked, still smiling. Still with that damned smile.
"What I want is for her to be HAPPY" Homura shouted at him as she threw him back, "I want her to LIVE and to GROW-UP and just enjoy her life!" she rubbed her temples as anger gave way first to frustration and then sorrow, "But every time I turn around, she REFUSES! She hurts, she knows she hurts, but she still chooses to suffer again and again and everything I do makes it worse and I don't know what else to do!" She'd tried being a friend. She'd tried being a teammate. She'd tried being the aloof protector. She'd tried being her prophet. She'd tried being the warden. She'd tried being the villain. She'd tried being the sacrifice.
It always led her back to square one.
Theodor's smile had faded. He looked down at the angry distraught teenager with what seemed to be a mixture of pity, disdain, and… nostalgia?
"Order is overrated," he said, uncharacteristically sober as he turned his attention towards the horizon, "Try to control everything around you, and it will blow up in your face every time. You'll go mad," he gave a small laugh, "Order fails because change is constant, and order has nowhere to change except into disorder."
"You're… telling me to abandon her?" Homura said in disbelief, ice lacing her voice.
"I'm telling you to embrace a little bit of chaos. Things happen, people change. Sometimes they turn into giant dragon statues without even saying good-bye. Sometimes you can't fix things, and you just have to live with that."
Homura considered his words, then blinked, "… Wait, what was that about dragon statues?"
"Dragon statues?" Theodor scoffed, "Nah, none around here. I don't think anyway. Nords don't much like dragons. Nords don't much like anyone that isn't a nord though, HAH!" and just like that Theodor was back to normal and Homura knew she wasn't going to get any further with him (something she was secretly grateful for), "… What were we doing? Oh, RIGHT. Morthal! Again! I love aimlessly pacing back and forth, onward!"
This time Theodor took up the front, and Homura walked silently behind him, mostly ignoring his endless stream of almost-certainly-false "facts" and trivia (he mentioned something about flying "snow whales") as she ruminated on everything, slightly baffled by what had just happened and by the man seemingly trying to offer real advice instead of just bad jokes. It was bad advice, of course and she wasn't going to take it, but it was still… bizarre, even for Theodor.
For not the first time, she felt herself somewhat unnerved by the man. Why was he following her? What did he want? Why had he just abandoned his post with the Blades just to annoy a teenager? Why had the Blades recruited such an unstable man in the first place?
Could she trust him once she located Madoka? What if he wanted something with her? A serial killer maybe? He'd been asking a lot of questions. Now he was telling her to let Madoka go.
Homura's scowl deepened. She was probably going to have to find a way to deal with him eventually.
Sayaka watched Madoka in the distance. The pinkette had removed herself from the group after the end of the meeting, and had spent most of their day of rest on the roof of the student hall, staring out towards the ocean. She'd let her hair down, surprisingly, and her red ribbons were clutched tightly in her hand.
"… Is she alright?" Mami asked, approaching the bluenette as she stood in the central courtyard.
Sayaka shook her head worriedly, "I dunno. She's been up there for hours, since lunch. She asked me if she could be alone and… she hasn't said anything since."
Mami frowned, "Hmm…" she blinked, "Where's Kyoko? I thought she'd be with you."
Sayaka shrugged, "She didn't want to stand watch all day. She's off hanging out with… Nagisa," the name rolled off Sayaka's tongue with a hint of bitterness. If Mami noticed, she didn't mention it.
Mami gave a laugh, "Those two really hit it off while we were away, didn't they?" her smile became more melancholic, "I guess I should have expected as much."
"Mmm," Sayaka muttered, looking towards the snow-covered ground. She idly began to balance herself on one leg.
"What do you think our chances are?" Mami asked her former student, "Of rebuilding our world, I mean."
Sayaka glanced at the blonde and stopped what she was doing. A slightly frantic chuckle escaped her lips, "… I dunno. At this point I'm following Madoka's lead because otherwise I'd be losing my mind thinking about it."
"… It is quite the burden, isn't it?" Mami asked as the two looked back up at Madoka's silent form.
Sayaka nodded solemnly, "… Yeah."
The cold sea air wafted gently against Madoka's cheeks. She breathed it in, letting the salty sensation burn down her throat as her free hair rustled behind her.
"But God alone cannot have any of this."
Homura's words to her echoed through her memories as she clutched the ribbons she'd given to the other girl while ascending, and then had been given back. Madoka wasn't stupid, she knew what it was: it had been a good-bye. A rejection. She just… didn't understand why. She didn't understand why Homura had done all this. It was all for her, she knew that but… Madoka didn't want any of this. She hadn't wanted Homura to torture herself, or burn the world down, or hurt their friends or… any of this.
Now that the thought of rebuilding their world had become an actual real possibility, Madoka found her thoughts drifting constantly back to Homura as well as her time as the Law of Cycles. It had been hard, it had been lonely, and it had been almost unbearable at times but… it had been worth it. Every time she did her job, every time she saw the relieved smile of a magical girl who would otherwise succumb to darkness, every time she beheld the wonders and vastness of the cosmos. She could never touch, she could never interact. But she saw it all in all its splendor and all of its possible configurations.
It had been worth it in spite of the crushing isolation. Except it was all gone now, like it had never mattered. As if it had all been in vain.
She wondered if she could have avoided this. Where did it all go wrong? Could she have made a better wish? Were there signs she could have seen that Homura was going to do what she did? Could she have fixed things at the very end by simply reascending instead of trying to take Homura away on the spot? Could she have not asked Homura for that promise to begin with? Why did it feel like everything she did only made things worse?
A small part of her; a dark, tired, and very human part wondered if she shouldn't just walk away. She was alive again, she could feel and experience. She could be. Some of her friends were alive. She could just hand the shards over to Valtir and let the Order take care of it. She could just give up. She could just stop meddling in things while she was mildly ahead, before even more people got hurt. An even smaller, darker part asked if she even wanted to endure it all again.
But that would mean abandoning everyone else, and she was pretty sure she couldn't live with that.
And yet despite what she'd said to the everyone, she wasn't even sure she could fix everything. The others believed in her. They were all counting on her. Why was she still so useless, even after all this?
She was a fraud.
Her mother was her hero, even now. Junko Kaname never stopped, never questioned, never surrendered. She worked long hours, came home late, accepted nothing less but perfection from herself, and presented nothing but confidence and excellence to the world around her. She wasn't home as much as she might have preferred to be, but what she did was important and she did it because she loved her family and she loved the world around her. Madoka had always wanted to live up to that ideal, to be that paragon, even if she had known she could never be that good.
… What would her mom think of her now, the girl who killed the world?
Madoka gently tucked the ribbons into her robe before putting her arms under her chin as she leaned over the parapet. She disagreed; they didn't look better on her after all.