Ever have one of those feelings where it feels like there's a huge bomb in the room and a single misstep could set it off?
That's how I felt when I finally woke up in the morning… well. "Woke up" would be a bit misleading. To say that I woke up would imply that I ever went back to sleep. No no no. After what happened the previous night, I never once closed my eyes. I couldn't. Every time I did, that skeletal… thing appeared, screaming at me, shrieking at me. I couldn't handle that. So I just stared aimlessly at the ceiling, unable to even consider sleeping.
"Ruto-san… you're still alright, right?" Asia asked, gently gripping my left hand. Like me, she had an incredibly tired expression on her face.
"Really, Argento-senpai?" Ravel asked, her tired eyes narrowed at the nun. "You… You're really… gonna say that after everything?" Then she yawned again, rubbing her eyes. Asia also rubbed her eyes, returning the yawn. If it had been any other situation, it would have been absolutely adorable… but…
"I'm sorry…" I bowed my head, apologizing. I felt awful…
"No no! It… It's fine, Ruto-san." Asia tried to say reassuringly, pausing because she had to yawn again.
We were all tired and drowsy as hell.
In my case, it was because I didn't want to relive my nightmares… But Asia and Ravel…
"I love you two so much…" I hugged them both tightly to my chest. I couldn't help the hot tears that streamed down the sides of my face.
"Ruto-sama…"
"... Ruto-san…"
These two… they were the best…
After my… fit last night, these two… they stayed by my side. They helped me get cleaned up and back into bed. When I didn't want to go back to sleep, they refused to leave my side. It wasn't out of a desire to be close to me, but a desire to make sure I was okay after I had a mental breakdown as a result of my dream last night. When I couldn't even close my eyes, they stayed awake with me. Even after I unconsciously slapped Ravel in my fit, they held nothing but worry for me.
"Ruto-sama… I'm your servant. It's only natural that I feel this way for you." Ravel pointed out, gently snuggling her head against my chest.
"I'm sorry…" I apologized again. Then Ravel took two fingers and flicked me right in the middle of my forehead. Ravel gave me a soft scolding look.
"Stupid master." Ravel said softly, blushing slightly. "Stop apologizing for making us miss a few hours of sleep."
"Ruto-san…" Asia gripped my hand much more tightly. "... Why didn't you tell us the truth? About the nightmares? About how you fought… that person again?" Her expression was twisted into one of distaste at the thought of the Stray Priest she had worked with when she was under the protection of the Fallen Angels. Suffice to say, Freed was one of the people Asia could honestly say she hated. But mostly, she was afraid of him.
I hung my head in shame. "I… I was already doing nothing but weighing everyone else down… I didn't want to worry everyone with a bunch of dreams and my own personal issues." I pulled my hands away from them and placed my hands in my lap. I just felt so bad, worrying everyone else like this.
"But if it's gotten to this point, Ruto-san—"
"What would I do?" I asked in a defeated tone. "Unless you know someone who can mess with dreams like Doremi Sweet, there isn't anything I can do. And I just forgot to tell you about Freed, that's all. I'm not hiding anything about that. If Yuuki weren't there, he would have kicked my ass."
"You know it's unhealthy to feed Kiba-senpai's desire for revenge, right?" Ravel asked. "You're not helping her like this."
"I know, but I don't know what else to do." I admitted. After everything that happened last night, I just lost all of my will to lie or hide the truth. I just felt so vulnerable and unable to deceive or charm others. Tears started falling from my face again. "... I don't know what to do…" It was the truth. For the first time in a long time, I admitted it. A majority of the time, I had no idea what I was doing. I could only do what was available to me. No grand plans. Nothing. I'm just always so useless and I want to be helpful to everyone else. In a way, that makes me selfish.
Why am I really helping Yuuki?
A sense of justice?
Pity?
Love?
Or my own selfishness?
Nothing felt real anymore…
Except for the two girls who gently squeezed my hands, both smiling gently at me.
"Ruto-san… you're not alone."
"Just like you're always telling everyone else, Ruto-sama, you can rely on others."
"I'm sorry…" I sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"
*FLICK*
Ravel flicked my forehead, this time harder than before, glaring softly at me. "Stop apologizing already! You don't have to be sorry about crying and sharing your feelings with others!"
"I… I just don't know what to do anymore…" I just felt so broken, repeating the same thing over and over again. Perhaps it was because that dream opened my eyes, but now I just felt so weak, that I couldn't do anything. What have I truly accomplished anyway? "I don't know why I'm having these nightmares… I don't understand anything… I don't know what to do…"
"Ruto-san… you're a Devil." Asia said, causing me to stare at her in confusion. She stared at me with such a beautiful smile. I… I never really noticed it before… how beautiful Asia truly was. Everything about her seemed amazing. Her body, her eyes, her smile, everything. "Buchou-san told me that Devils act according to their own desire. That's also how Devils manipulate Demonic Power and how Sacred Gear-users get stronger. So don't think about what to do. Think about what you WANT to do."
I stared at Asia, trying to suppress even more tears that were beginning to build up. "I… I…" Asia smiled softly at me. My heart began beating quickly. I could feel the cold in my chest gradually fade to nothing as a new sensation of warmth engulfed me.
"No matter what you want to do, I will always be by your side." That is what she said… That sounded a lot like what I had said to her when I swore to be her friend… The thing she misinterpreted… but no. Maybe I was the one who misinterpreted how I felt… This was a girl who returned my desire to remain together forever… She and Ravel only wanted me to follow my own heart… to do what I wanted…
I wasn't sure… No… I can't hesitate…What I want… What I wanted to do…
I kissed Asia.
It was impulsive and I'm not sure if I would repeat it in any other state of mind, but it felt so right. That was something I could not deny.
Asia's eyes widened in shock, but her expression gradually eased into one of bliss. She returned my kiss, closing her eyes.
"H-Hey!" I felt a hand grip the top of my head and pull Asia and I away from one another, leaving nothing but a trail of saliva between us. We turned our gazes from longing to surprise when we turned to Ravel, who was blushing a deep shade of red. "D-Don't do something so perverted right in front of me, you jerk!" She averted her eyes, seeming more jealous than annoyed.
"Ah yes. How cruel of me to forget my lovely Bishop." I said. Ravel made the mistake of turning her head in my direction in surprise. I placed a finger under her chin and tipped her head upwards before I placed my own lips against hers. Ravel let out a cute squeak of surprise, but she was gradually taken by the same bliss Asia had been taken by, closing her eyes and returning my love.
After thirty seconds, we pulled away, Ravel more reluctantly than I.
The two of them stared at me, the most dazed expressions on their faces.
I smiled at them. "Right. I can't just sit here and wallow in my own self pity." I raised a fist into the air. "I… I'm afraid. I won't lie. But… I know that I'm not alone." I grasped both of their hands once more. "I won't be alone and I won't abandon my friends either. I don't know how, but I WILL save Yuuki. This I swear here and now." I tightened my grip on them, a paranoid part of me they would slip away and this all would have been a dream.
"Right! And we will all do our best to help Kiba-san, too!" Asia declared.
"H-Hey! D-Don't try sounding all cool and supportive just to win more of Ruto-sama's affection! I-I'll be by your side, naturally!" Ravel stuttered. "B-But I-I'll be expecting some s-sort of reward t-too!"
I choked, trying to take in deep breaths. "O-OK!"
"E-Eh!? S-Ruto-san's crying again!" Asia said.
"H-Hey! Is the prospect of kissing me that bad?!" Ravel complained.
I shook my head, sniffing. "No… I just… I'm… Thank you both… Thank you so muuuuuuch! I LOVE YOU GIRLS SO MUCH!" I wrapped them both up in my arms and held them closely.
""Kyaaaaa!""
Both of them squealed as I buried my face between their chests as I hugged them closely.
I remembered.
The reason I wanted to become stronger. The thing I wanted to get stronger for.
Of course I wanted to become the strongest existence to satisfy my promise with Irina, but there was so much more to it than that. It wasn't just a simple promise that motivated me. It was so much more than that. There was a reason I always wanted to get stronger that went far deeper than the old flames of passion I held towards Irina, my childhood love.
The reason I wanted to get stronger was because I had something to protect.
My reason for striving for the title of Ultimate-Class Devil was to become strong enough to protect the ones I loved.
If only to be able to make sure they can continue smiling, I would gladly sacrifice my life, my very existence.
I still couldn't say I understood what my nightmares meant, but I knew I wasn't alone. Even if I'm not as strong as Haru, I'll do everything I can to protect everyone.
That is my oath.