"Uh... Brain HQ, please stop screaming?"
Static. Then panic and yelling followed.
"MUSCULATURE SECTOR REPORTING, CATASTROPHIC RESTRUCTURING, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS ALL AT ONCE?!"
The angel's halo flickered violently.
"…the what now?"
Another phone rang. The devil grabbed it.
"CARDIOVASCULAR HERE, PRESSURE SPIKING, VESSELS THICKENING, WE DID NOT CLEAR THIS WITH LEGAL!"
"WHO AUTHORIZED THIS?!"
The devil roared back. Another phone. Another.
"LUNG DIVISION, ALVEOLI EXPANDING, AIR CAPACITY INCREASING, IT FEELS LIKE WE'RE BEING MICROWAVED OVER HERE!"
Panels flashed warnings faster than they could be read.
BONE DENSITY, REINFORCING. MUSCLE FIBERS, REWEAVING.
NERVOUS SYSTEM, PLEASE HOLD. PAIN SUPPRESSORS, LOL GOOD LUCK.
The angel staggered back into his chair, pale.
"…are... are we dying again?…"
The devil stared at the central screen where a stick-figure labeled BODY was glowing white-hot.
"…nope we're not, It's just that absolute fucking lunatic of ours had the bright Idea to add two whole stats at once."
The room shook. Something deep shifted. Like foundations being redrawn. Then a phone rang differently. Lower pitch. Older. The angel hesitated.
"…DNR department?"
The angel lifted the receiver with shaking hands, the cord stretching like it might snap from pure stress.
"…hello?"
For a second there was only static. The kind that sounded like a dying star choking on itself. Then a voice crawled out of the speaker. Old. Hoarse. Exhausted.
Like it had been on overtime since the Big Bang and never got paid.
"…we're… we're evolving, lads."
Silence. Every alarm in the control room seemed to hesitate, like even the machinery was processing that sentence. The angel's halo flickered violently.
"…we're… what?"
The voice sighed. Deep. Content. Almost smug.
"…we're fucking finally evolving from a weak-ass loser, you dead-brained chicken wings. So crack open a champagne or something."
The devil froze mid–panic, one foot on a console, a phone still ringing in his hand.
"…did the DNR department just insult us?"
The angel slowly lowered the receiver.
"…I think it did."
A beat followed. Then the control room lost its gods damned mind. Panels began flashing GREEN instead of red.
Charts that had been flatlined for years suddenly spiked upward like they'd seen Jesus and steroids at the same time. One monitor screamed. MUSCLE DENSITY, up, up, up. Another.
BONE INTEGRITY, WHAT THE FUCK. A third just read. WHY IS THIS POSSIBLE. The devil stared at the screens, mouth hanging open.
"…holy shit."
The angel grabbed the console, squinting.
"No... no, this isn't possible. His body was barely holding together. We were running him on spite, caffeine, and unresolved trauma."
The phone rang again. The devil snatched it up.
"WHAT."
"…tell the cardiovascular department to stop screaming,"
The ancient voice said calmly.
"Also, someone unplug pain suppression. He's gonna feel this."
The devil's eyes went wide.
"DNR, you sick bastard you want to unplug pain suppression?! What the hell man? Even for me thats pure evil and Im the literal Incarnation of evil."
"…character growth,"
The voice replied, then hung up. The control room shook. Both chibi Draculas were thrown off their feet as the entire place lurched like a submarine hit by a depth charge.
The angel scrambled back to his chair, slamming buttons.
"THIS ISN'T AN UPGRADE, THIS IS A REBUILD!"
The devil cackled hysterically, half terrified, half impressed.
"LOOK AT THAT! CELLS ARE GETTING SHREDDED AND REBUILT IN REAL TIME! IT'S LIKE WE GOT POSSESSED BY A GYM BRO GOD!"
The angel watched the vitals spike, stabilize, then spike again.
"…well at least he's not dying."
The devil grinned.
"…this time."
...
Genesis third person POV
Several hours later
After a long night the sun was just starting to claw its way through the clouds, pale light spilling across the scrap walls of the camp.
Genesis hovered low, arms wrapped around herself, looking like absolute hell. If anyone could see her properly, they'd swear she hadn't slept in days. Which, technically, she hadn't.
Because she felt everything. Every spasm. Every seizure. Every cell in that idiot meat sack of hers that blacked out almost Instantly and left her to suffer alone.
Getting torn apart like cheap fabric and stitched back together with something denser, heavier, angrier. She'd felt his muscles rupture and regrow thicker. His bones grind, compress, reinforce.
His lungs burn, collapse, expand stronger. She'd screamed at least six times. Cursed the system. Cursed him. Cursed herself for being tethered to this walking OSHA violation.
"This is pure fucking bullshit,"
She muttered hoarsely.
"Fucking bullshit."
She looked down at him. The meat sack lay slumped against the wall exactly where he blacked out, armor askew, jaw slack. He looked like he'd been struck by lightning. Twice.
Then dragged behind a truck. Then struck by lightning again for good measure. Genesis checked his vitals for the thousandth time. They were calm. Too calm. Then finally. They spiked. Hard.
"Oh..."
She whispered.
"So now you decide to wake up."
His eyelid twitched. Then one green eye cracked open. Just one. Bloodshot. Glossy. Completely unfocused. Drool leaked from the corner of his mouth as If he was a fucking vegetable.
He stared around like a confused raccoon that had just survived a nuclear blast. Genesis leaned in.
"…I dare you say one stupid thing,"
She warned softly. He lifted a hand. Wiped the drool. Nodded to himself like he'd just completed an important inspection. Then his head slumped sideways and he went right back to sleep.
Genesis stared. Didn't blink. Didn't speak. Just stared.
"…I fucking hate you,"
She said quietly, grounding her teeth, eyes looking like she was about to murder him right there and now.
...
MC POV.
Just as i was having the best sleep of my life.
"…A—TENTION!"
The word detonated directly inside my skull. Instinct took over before consciousness did. I shot upright. Heels clicked together. Back straightened. Chin up.
Rifle snapped into my hands, angled up at forty-five degrees upwards, grip perfect, posture flawless. My mouth opened and mental memory screamed.
"SERGEANT MAJOR DRACULA VON DEATH!"
The words rang out clean, sharp, loud enough to rattle scrap metal. Silence answered. Not the dangerous kind. The awkward kind. I blinked. Once. Twice.
My eyes finally focused and I realized I was standing at full attention in the middle of a junkyard fortress like an idiot who'd just time-traveled into the wrong century.
About ten meters in front of me, the survivors sat clustered around a fire pit. A big fire pit.
A rusted barrel cut in half, flames licking up beneath a massive, blackened cooking pot that looked like it had once been used to boil sins out of medieval peasants. They were all staring at me.
Every single one of them. No one spoke. No one moved. A spoon froze halfway to someone's mouth. A man clutched a tin cup like a holy relic. I slowly lowered my rifle.
"…ah."
I blinked again. Then I looked to my side. Genesis hovered there. And I did a double take so hard my neck popped.
"… BLOODY HELL... what the hell happened to you?"
I blurted out to myself low enough that the survivors didnt hear me only saw my lips move. Hearing this her face darkened. Not metaphorically. Visibly. Her purple eyes twitched.
Something primal in my brain, freshly rebuilt, apparently started screaming. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED THAT, MORON. And just like i expected Genesis exploded.
"YOU HAPPENED, YOU FUCKING NEANDERTHAL!"
Her voice cracked like a whip, echoing off scrap walls.
"WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP, I GOT TO EXPERIENCE YOUR CELLS GETTING SHREDDED, LIQUIFIED, AND REBUILT, OVER. AND OVER. AND OVER AGAIN!"
She jabbed a finger at my chest, hovering inches from my armor.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE YOUR MUSCLE FIBERS SNAP LIKE GUITAR STRINGS AND THEN GET STITCHED BACK TOGETHER BY A COSMIC SADIST?!"
Steam was practically coming out of Genesis ears.
"And YOU,"
She continued, voice rising.
"SLEPT THROUGH IT. LIKE A BABY. DROOLING. SNORING. WHILE I WAS BASICALLY FRONT-ROW SEATS TO THE WORST BODY HORROR DOCUMENTARY EVER MADE."
I slowly lowered my gaze. Scratched the back of my head.
"…tch, how the hell was I supposed to know that would happen?"
I glanced at her, sheepish.
"Usually in the novels it's, you know... instant power-up. Flash of light. Maybe a cool aura. Not… whatever that was."
She stared at me. Unblinking. Pure bloody murder in her eyes.
"…right."
I turned on my heel immediately. Strategic retreat. I walked toward the survivors, boots crunching softly on gravel.
The moment I got within a few steps, they flinched like prey animals sensing a predator. Hands tightened. Shoulders hunched. Fear, raw and unfiltered was practically radiating off them.
Seeing this I stopped and held up my hands covered In dried blood.
"Relax,"
I said calmly.
"I don't bite."
I smirked.
"…usually."
I even threw in a wink, but contrarary to my expectations that did not help at all. One guy actually recoiled like a vampire after seeing a cross.
"…okay,"
I muttered.
"New tactic."