June still lay on her bed, visible dark circles under her eyes, her twists now frizzy and unkempt. Her eyes, which had glimmered before, now seemed hollow and shadowed.
It was 1:30 a.m.
A question rang in her mind: would replying make her feel any better or tear open what she spent the last months sewing.
For a long time, June had blamed herself. She should have known. He had never really talked about himself, never let her see past the surface. Mystery, she realized too late, had been his shield.
She used to think that if she'd known him better, if she'd asked the right questions, things might have ended differently.
Days after the second encounter, every meeting that followed seemed to align with her life in some way.
There was the freshers' ball organized by the second years, she had been one of the coordinators, and he shown up as the first-year representative. Then he appeared in Dexter's class almost every day. And their free periods began to overlap in ways that felt almost premeditated despite the difference in year and workload.
She told herself it was a coincidence.
For a first year, he was studious. Every time she went to the library during her free period, he was already there, always at the same table. The one ahead of hers. The library was nearly empty at that hour, quiet enough to hear pages turn.
Sometimes he read. Sometimes he slept through it.
One afternoon, she was there alone. She heard footsteps approaching behind her, slow and soft against the floor. Then came a soft tap on her shoulder.
"Hi," he whispered, smiling so wide, she saw his perfectly arranged teeth. He gestured to the chair beside her. "Is this seat taken?"
She shook her head.
"Then… can I join you?"
She hesitated, then nodded.
He sat. Opened his books. Started reading.
For the first time, she became hyper aware of herself, the way she sat, the way she breathed, her braids. The sense of being watched crept in. She glanced sideways.
Their eyes met.
He was closer than she expected. She could now clearly see his luminous green eyes that glimmered with a small hint of yellow.
He panicked like he had been caught.
His pen slipped from his fingers, fell to the floor. He quickly ducked under the table to retrieve it and bumped his head on the way back up.
"Are you okay?" June asked fast, stopping herself from touching him.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."
Silence that followed sat with them, awkward and heavy.
Then he turned to her, rubbing the back of his head as he pushed his notebook slowly towards her.
"Hey… um. I'm having trouble with constitutional law. Do you think you could help me?"
She took the book from him, went through his notes. "Constitutional law is quite easy... What part is the most difficult for you?"
"All, of it." He chuckled awkwardly.
"But it's this a semester a head?" She asked.
"Yes, but I've covered everything else, am studying ahead for an online class I recently enrolled in." He replied.
"Alright, let me explain this to you."
She started explaining, the words came out of her mouth smooth and confident but not to loud to be kicked out of the library. He paid attention, he asked questions where necessary and in 30 minutes they had covered the main basics.
His eyes lit up, "Thank you. You're really good at this."
She nodded, pretending it meant nothing.
He was smiling from ear to ear looking satisfied with the work. June couldn't take her eyes off him. He was intriguing. Then their eyes met again and everything stopped still for a while. All that June heard was the minute hand of the large library clock ticking and flutter of the book pages.
Ring.
His alarm watch broke the moment.
"Shoot... am late for my lecture," he said, gathering his things too quickly. "But… I had fun... Let me buy you dinner tonight."
He stopped... The words seemed sudden.
June felt a new feeling... a small lift in her chest.
"Sure," she said, neutral.
His eyes lit up. " Cafe...5pm." he whispered as he dashed off.
That evening, She arrived 30 minutes before 5pm. She had taken time picking out a dress and styling her braids. For some reason she had suddenly wanted to dress up.
The evening was cool, the café less crowded than usual, the sweet aroma of coffee and pastries lingering in the air.
June had brought a book with her not to read, but to give mind something to do. The warm feeling from earlier returned, her heart beating with quiet anticipation.
Five o'clock came.
He wasn't there.
Time moved slowly. 5:10. 5:30. 5:50. Six o'clock. Still no sign of him.
Her eyes kept drifting around the café, searching faces that weren't his, her fingers tapping against the table in a restless rhythm.
By 7:00pm, there was nothing left to wait for. She left, her head hanging low and didn't look back.
Him not showing up reminded her of her place before. That no matter how lonely she was, nothing good came out of friends. The noise that always followed had been too much for her to deal with.
The next morning she was headed towards the lecture room and spotted Dexter.
He stood in one of the corners talking to a group of boys, he laughed really loud and hard. Their eyes met for a bit, he raised his hand to wave and she turned away immediately and hurriedly entered the class.
Dexter came in immediately after.
"Hi blue!"
June's stomach churned with disgust. Blue, who said he could call her that. Dexter had always given up a weird aura she didn't like.
She didn't want anything to do with him and his friend Smiley: she didn't bother to learn his name.
"Well I guess you don't want to talk to me." Dexter said with his voice low. " I just thought we could be friends too."
June didn't even look at him. Instead she put her large white head phones over her ears and pulled out her note book and started taking sumaries.
A few minutes later Smiley face came in, he dashed straight to her, ignoring Dexter.
" Hey, " he asked anxious, like he somehow knew her headphones were off. "You must be mad at me."
He said as he pulled a seat from a nearby locker and sat right Infront of her. His hands on his cheeks leaning on her locker.
Dexter tried to pull him away but he failed. His friend was determined to stay.
June's body tensed up. The feeling of being watched sent shivers down her spine. Moreso by this strange guy. Her legs shook in an anxiety rhythm and cold beads of sweat rolled down her face.
She picked her books up and bag and scrambled her way of the class.
After a while, June felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up, she looked back and saw him. A bit farther but definitely following her.
She moved hastily and this time was careful not to trip. He followed closely not trying to catch up just watching her.
She finally arrived at the library, he followed in but didn't sit next to her. Instead at his usual spot in front of her. Kept his eyes on her. Even from a far. June could see dark circles around his eyes and his constant yarns.
A strange guy he was!
Later when she glanced up from her books. He was deep in slumber. The window light shone on him, added a shine on his features and brown layered silky hair. His eyes squinted in discomfort but he still stayed a sleep.
She pulled off her jacket, crept to his window next to him and carefully hung it, shielding him for the light. She glanced over at him and sighed. He was sleeping with no worry, even if the ground fell beneath him, he would probably stay asleep.
Then she picked up her books and bag and left the library.
Now that June thought about it, she should at the jacket. She should have kept it at strangers who happened to meet a few times.
That same day. Right outside the library, she walked fast, hoping he would wake up and catch up to her. She was so occupied with getting away that she didn't notice a guy she despised right ahead of her.
Before she knew it, she had numbed into him. He grabbed her arm before she had the time to skip back.
"You been ignoring me?" He started, his voice horse and boasty.
It was him, Bob. The one who always asked for her number. Who gave her dirty looks in class, who bumped into her so hard that she fell at times and never seemed to hear when she said no.
"I said hi the other day," he continued, voice loud and sharp. "You run off instead. That's not very nice."
She froze in place.
She really wanted to smack him so hard, mostly on his face, and wipe that stupid pride off his face.
She wanted to say something to him. Something like "get lost, you creep!"
But like always, her mouth couldn't make a sound. Her feet felt like jelly.
He took a step closer while his friends hyped him up. "You girls just like playing hard to get."
Her grip on the books trembled. Her mind flooded with thoughts; Maybe she could hit him and run off... what about the aftermath.... maybe she could stand up for herself once. Maybe this was the tim__
"HEY!"
A different but familiar voice. A loud sharp familiar voice shot from behind.
It was him, Smiley.
He walked up fast to her and pushed his hand off hers, his face serious.
"She's not interested," he said, placing himself between them. "get lost creep."
Bob scoffed, moved in closer, sizing him up. "Who the hell are you?"
"I said get lost! She clearly doesn't want you here."
They stared at each other intensely. Then Bob laughed out loud and sarcastic.
"Whatever... stupid first years." he sneered as he treded off taking his friends with him.
June remembered how she felt that day, frozen in place. Her heart beat really fast. She was really terrified of him.
Then Smiley looked at her. "Are you okay?"
Her voice was still gone.
" Look...I wasn't following you," he said his voice softer this time. "Its just you seemed uncomfortab__"
June's emotions gave way and tears rolled down her cheeks fast. "Why'd you help me?"
He didn't answer. He just looked at her.
That day she was more embarrassed than angry, she couldn't stand up for herself and this guy, she knew, she felt it, this guy who was more dangerous than Bob helped her, now she owed him.
And moreso, she cried Infront of him.
He slowly moved towards her, her sweater in his arm. He reached out his hands to pull her into his embrace.
June stepped back. He stopped and instead handed her sweater.
" Blue, am probably no different from him to you... you must scared of me too... It stings a little but I will stop bothering you okay. Just say the word."
That should have been it. She should have ended it then. Thoughts crowded her mind with warnings and rehearsed lines. They pressed hard against her throat begging to be said.
But when she spoke, only one thing came out.
"My name's June...not Blue."
Her heart had betrayed her even as her mind protested.
He smiled at her again.
For some reason, his beaming smile seemed to calm her down. The shaking stopped and her breath steadied. It felt like she could lean on him... just for a moment.
"Ryan," he said. "My name's Ryan."
Dear Diary,
I've been holding on to this for so long. I keep crying for him, for what could have been. It's like my heart just won't let him go.
I just want to sleep. But I don't want anymore nightmares.
~June