It was a cool morning, the sun had risen beyond the distant horizon, birds in packs flew north to south and south to north, their chirping announcing the sun's return once again.
The sun had risen once again, just as it always did. 'Could the sun ever not rise?' Such were questions I asked myself but dismissed, the sun is a fact. How could a fact be wrong?
Getting up and brushing my teeth, I scrolled… a ritual the same as the birds flying east to west and west to east.
Aaum
I hadn't gotten much sleep. Lately I haven't gotten much sleep. I've tried all the tips: sleep cold and dark, white noise, no phones, reading. It just makes me feel like a sensory deprived vampire.
Not that I hated it.
The mornings are peaceful, there isn't much that ever happens in the mornings. Although that could apply to everything else that happens throughout my day.
The one thing that gets me is the mirror. Everyday I walk by the mirror and simply can't find an answer.
"What am I?"
I couldn't help but ask myself. Clearly I was human but what is a human with no name such as myself.
The best way to describe myself would be to be tall and tan with long hair. Such descriptions are inadequate, yet I couldn't describe myself simply with things like kind, or thoughtful as there's no subject to address.
I guess for now, I am simply me?
Well I'm done with that thought, there's no point in analyzing it any longer. There's nothing to come to a conclusion about.
My day was extremely simple, yet a blur. And like that days had passed and the same routine continued. Nothing ever deviated just as the sun always rose and I always scrolled. I can't say I hate consistency though, there's something about always knowing.
And like that another morning continued and I brushed my teeth.
Just as the morning continued I glanced in the mirror, a brief look and I was on about my day.
Walking up outside, I had never realized how decrepit earth had become. The sky looked sullen, there was a lack of people walking outside even on an early morning. Usually I'd have seen plenty of people go to work but over time that had died down. I guess it's been about 10 years since I'd seen an actual crowd of thousands.
It's not as to say there aren't hundreds of people walking by or some people driving down the narrow streets but it just isn't as lively as it once was. But I guess it wasn't really ever lively; no one can go around like they used to be able to.
Walking around, I had seen plenty of things I had wished to buy. Food, good, tasty food. No more canned tuna.
Oh, or maybe I could finally buy an umbrella since my last one broke. "Who am I kidding?" I scoffed under my breath.
There would be none of that. Curse my parents, or not? I can't say I hate being born, but I can't say I love it either. It's a very unsure decision I come to terms with everyday.
Continuing my walk, with no particular destination in mind, I just let myself guide me.
Sometimes I look beyond that place, whenever I need to think I walk up to a certain hill, it lets me see the skyline of the city.
'Old City, A city that was supposed to promise new opportunities just like the old times of the 2020s. Yet that hasn't happened yet.
I had realized I had made it up to the mountain. I really didn't realize until now, I had just been walking and walking aimlessly.
The mountain wasn't much of a climb, it's a bit of an unknown spot since it's kind of at the edge of the harbor but I live near the coast anyway so it's really not unknown. My parents used to take me up here all the time and tell me if I focused hard enough I could hear the voices of kids my age laughing.
"Wow."
You really could see the whole city, it was massive. I guess the city isn't even the best to call it. It's really a giant kingdom more or less, not really any policies in place, more in line with a republic.
"Congratulations."
"Hm?"
A voice came from behind me, low. It startled me for a second but when I called out again, nothing.
Ahead, I could see the wall which separated me and the other side.
It divided us as people, cleaving the kingdom in half. On the other side of that wall was promise, promise of anew. A better future for the common folk. Anyone could pass through our gates to our domain but few made it beyond the soil I stand on.
The other side is for people not like me.
Still somehow pretty populated, I guess there's a lot of people not like me. You could say I'm actually the special one.
I can't help but to feel such disdain. Such a visceral hatred to those across the wall. Beyond me, all I can see is the lights, the lights feel like they have such life. Such life I long to obtain.
Yes, but as was foretold. We aren't all meant for great things. Some of us have to bear the tragic fates not meant for the victors.
My walk down was quick, I didn't bother to stop and try and hear the voices of laughter. I didn't stop to gaze at the stars. The stars I was told to reach out and touch, evaded my grasp.
And so overtime, I had forsaken the stars which ran, the laughs which hid and the lights which danced around me.
There was no need for such things anymore. All I could do was envy, and that envy turned into hate.
Yet I had no feelings for hate, what use does a feeling have if I cannot enable myself to act. I can't even dream about acting because I will always lack the ability to.
What use does an ant have for dreams? Many people believe that animals don't have the capacity to think critically or abstractly but I disagree. A lion thinks about its hunts and what it wants to eat. An elephant remembers vividly and acts based on the past. They aren't that far off from humans when I put it like this. But an ant doesn't care what it eats, it will eat the scraps and die a poor death. It will allow itself to be crushed or excommunicated. This isn't because they can't think but simply because they know they have no power to defy their fate.
So what use does an ant have for its dreams? You wouldn't dream of walking if you never knew how to walk, you wouldn't dream of tasty food if you never knew the taste of a steak.
But today is different, I'm aware. Extremely aware I remember each of my actions. Oddly enough. Standing at my door step I start to recall.
Like the door I held open for the old lady.
I usually never hold open doors for anyone.
Then I went and bought some groceries.
But how did I get to my doorstep? I guess my memory lapsed in between there.
"Congratulations, you've been selected."
A frail voice echoed behind me, a voice of what sounded like a sickly child.
"Congratulations, you've been selected."
They repeated.
I could feel it, the innate sense of dread tingling up my spine and slithering down my shoulder latching to my feet and gripping my legs.
'Run Run Run Run.'
That was all my brain could muster up, 'Run!'.
Yet, I stood in place, my body trembled and sweat accumulated on my palms.
"Congratulations, you've been selected."
The eyes of this child or thing; I can't even begin to imagine what stood behind me. I didn't want to look, the darkness of the night seemed to creep up on me like mist. I was afraid of what might've been lurking, what might've been watching, waiting.
Hearing them step closer, my throat couldn't muster up any words. I wanted someone to save me, anyone!
Yet, no one came.
So I was subjected to my fate, as I was too powerless to do anything. Be it powerless or inadequate to deal with my situation. Such as was the world, cruel to the losers.
'Fuck! Like this? Are you serious?'
"Congratulations you've been selected!"
This time the voice wasn't sickly, it was cruel yet ecstatic. As if it awaited to see what would come about from me, it was distorted, low and huge.
'Simply unlucky, that's all it was huh. That was the consistent story of my life.'
In the face of death, I couldn't do anything.
All that awaited me was a void, dark and constant. A void that seemed to grow eyes and peer deep into my skull.