At 26 years old, recalling the four-year relationship with Mi Xinxin during university always kept me awake at night, even though three years had already passed.
Three years isn't a long time, nor is it short. But because of the four years Mi Xinxin and I spent together, so many things happened that I couldn't forget, to the point where I always soaked my pillow with tears at night.
Mi Xinxin has been gone for three years. No, to be exact, she abandoned me and then disappeared for three years.
During these three years, I haven't stopped looking for her, gathering information about her, just to ask her in person why she left without saying goodbye, why she was so heartless, why she kept saying I was the man she loved the most, yet left me without a word.
I shouted "Mi Xinxin" with all my might, my voice filled with endless longing and urgency.
Each word was like a flame erupting from the depths of my throat, burning my inner anxiety.
My shouts echoed in the air, as if trying to break through all obstacles and reach her ears.
My eyes revealed determination and persistence, as if she was everything in my life.
I charged forward, ignoring everything, hoping to find her in the crowd.
My voice grew louder and louder, tinged with desperation, as if I wanted to wake up the whole world.
"Mi Xinxin! Where are you? I want to see you!" My cries were like a sob, filled with my longing and concern for her.
The people around me turned to look, but I didn't care. I had only one thought in my mind—to see her.
My body trembled with excitement, and tears welled up in my eyes.
I didn't know if she could hear my calls, but I would keep shouting until she appeared before me.
"Ruan Qi? You're drunk again, aren't you? And you stayed up all night!" The man speaking in front of me was Feng Feng. He was my roommate for all four years of university, and also my closest brother. We often skipped class together to go to the internet cafe and team up to play games.
"Mind your own business. My affairs don't need your concern," I retorted unhappily.
"Hey, you ungrateful wretch! Have you forgotten what important day it is? Today is the opening day of the art exhibition. You'd better get your act together, or Old Zhao will chew you out!"
Old Zhao was a man with a beast's heart. Back then, Mi Xinxin and I were planning to get married right after graduation. But her family was powerful and naturally looked down on me, a freeloader who made a living selling paintings.
So I eloped with Mi Xinxin to Shanghai. Initially, we had 20,000 yuan of living expenses from home, and we thought we'd live comfortably for a while before finding a stable job.
However, Shanghai's prices were incredibly high. We were broke in less than a month. I had no choice but to find Old Zhao, that black-hearted capitalist, who signed me with an extremely low salary, making me a small painter in his "Zhao I Paint" studio.
"That old bastard Old Zhao! If he dares to scold me, I'll pack my bags and leave immediately. Hasn't he forgotten that half of his studio's works were painted by me, Ruan Qi? If it weren't for me, his "Zhao I See" studio would have closed down long ago."
I roared at Feng Feng, filled with rage, and then skillfully lit a cigarette, trying to calm the humiliation and injustice I had endured over the years. However, only I knew that Mi Xinxin's sudden departure was what truly broke me, turning me into a playboy who frequented various bars every night.
I once tried to numb myself with alcohol to escape the excruciating pain.
Looking at Feng Feng in front of me, his face showed a look of not knowing how to evaluate me. So, he simply took a cigarette from my cigarette case, lit it himself, and smoked in silence. At the same time, he took the unfinished beer from my hand and drank it all in one gulp.
We finished smoking the cigarettes and drinking the remaining alcohol, just staring at each other in silence. Fortunately, Feng Feng took the initiative to break the silence.
"Feeling a bit better? Others don't understand you, but don't I? Buddy, I know you still love that girl, Mi Xinxin, but she's already left you. You should live your life well now, instead of repeatedly sinking so low."
During university, Feng Feng was half a year older than me, so he always accommodated me. Moreover, he was very loyal, and what was even more valuable was that in Shanghai, he was my only brother. I often borrowed money from him, and he never refused, making it hard for me to refuse him.
"Alright, alright, whatever you say is right, I'll listen to you, okay?"
I said casually, lighting a cigarette myself and perfunctorily dealing with him. Feng Feng had been with me for a long time and knew my temper and personality well. Seeing me like this, he didn't say more, but directly took action, half-dragging and half-pulling me out of the bar called "Muguang."
I was staring blankly at the empty beer glass in my hand, like an idiot, and my head was also dizzy from drinking all night. Under Feng Feng's dragging, I had no ability to resist.
I was held down on the ground with force by Feng Feng, my body pressed against the cold floor, yet I couldn't tear my gaze away from that glass of wine. My eyes were drawn to it, as if by a magnet.
My eyes widened, my pupils seemingly about to pop out, not blinking once, as if afraid of missing a single detail.
My head tilted up slightly, my neck outstretched, allowing my gaze to cut across the space and fall directly on the wine.
My lips parted slightly, my breathing becoming rapid, as if that glass of wine was the last hope in my life.
Even though my body was restrained and unable to move, my eyes revealed a sense of determination and longing.
I used my gaze to express my obsession with that glass of wine, as if it were the only link connecting me to the world.
My heart raced, blood surged through my body, and all my attention was focused on the wine, as if it was the entirety of my existence in this moment.
Even though I was unwilling, I was still helpless. I left this place, which had soothed my inner wounds, covered in dust and utterly defeated.
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