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Breakfast this morning was a massive, greasy serving of English fish and chips. This simple, fried meal was absolutely all the ruined farm physically had left to eat for now, and Leo was already living the high-cholesterol life of an upper-class Londoner completely ahead of schedule.
"Um... Lord Leo... Leo, let's head to the Seaside today."
As they sat quietly at the wooden dining table eating their greasy fish, Yukari Yakumo had been aggressively, relentlessly urging Ran through the secure Shikigami mental channel to formally confirm today's romantic date location. Ran had absolutely no choice but to awkwardly speak up; if she didn't obey the script, Lady Yukari threatened to forcefully log in and personally take over her body. A Master could effortlessly descend upon a Shikigami exactly like a possessing god, and Ran absolutely didn't even want to imagine what humiliating, chaotic things the Sage would do with her body then.
"Sure, I'm perfectly fine with anything," Leo nodded, chewing a chip. "By the way... where exactly did Chen and Kogasa go?"
Leo had wanted to ask this specific question since he woke up and stretched. Normally, the clingy Kogasa would have been happily sitting on his shoulder long ago, playing with his hair, but it was well past seven in the morning and she still hadn't shown up. It felt a bit strange and quiet.
Flandre, too; ever since they arrived on this tropical island yesterday, the chaotic people around him had been mysteriously disappearing one by one into the jungle. It felt a bit like the slow buildup of an isolated horror story.
"Um... Kogasa and Chen went out early this morning to play in the woods."
The massive, golden tails behind Ran Yakumo were currently tangled tightly together in a knot, visibly revealing her absolute lack of internal composure. Lady Yukari and the other old hags were really far too much, stubbornly insisting on playing out some ridiculous romantic comedy plot about 'Miss Ran Wants Me to Confess.' It was so incredibly embarrassing!
"Alright, then let's head out. I wonder what kind of premium seafood the island's Seaside actually has. For all these miserable years on Earth, I never once dared to actually go near the fresh seafood section when I visited the supermarket."
Leo still genuinely liked eating fish. For over twenty sad years, he had lived strictly on cheap white rice and stringy Cowpeas—stir-fried Cowpeas with minced meat, cold-dressed Cowpeas in vinegar... the absolute closest things to actual "seafood" he'd ever eaten were cheap, dehydrated kelp and instant seaweed soup packets. Real, fresh seafood was just fundamentally too expensive for his wallet.
They said fresh Grouper was delicious, but it was 57 yuan per catty. They said Boston Lobster was an absolute delicacy, but the small, pathetic ones were 218 yuan per catty, and the large, meaty ones were a staggering 288 yuan.
These ridiculous prices were exactly like a cruel joke to a normal worker. His pitiful monthly corporate salary was only 2,500 yuan. Even ordinary, soil-grown vegetables were getting ridiculously expensive lately. His absolute favorite, simple comfort food, Tomato and Scrambled Eggs—the tomatoes were over five yuan a catty! It was simply physically impossible to live comfortably. This modern society was doomed to collapse.
A greasy, 20-yuan Grilled Squid on a stick from a street vendor... he would remember that luxurious, savory taste for the absolute rest of his life.
"Reporting in, I'm currently snacking. Ran and the big brother seem to be finally finishing up their breakfast and getting ready to head out to the beach."
Koishi Komeiji's muffled, chewing voice came back clearly from the dark Gap, her mouth completely stuffed full of stolen chips. Just hearing the crunchy sound of food made Yuyuko completely unable to sit still in her beanbag chair.
"Don't! Yuyuko, stop! If you want to eat so badly, I'll have Ran make some huge portions specifically for you after this romantic operation is successfully over. For now, you must endure! Old Eight (Eirin), hurry up and give us the next branching dialogue choices!"
Yukari Yakumo desperately threw her entire body weight onto Yuyuko to physically stop the ghost from eagerly crawling headfirst through the Gap to steal food. She turned frantically to look at Eirin Yagokoro; it was time to make a critical fashion choice again to boost favorability.
A. Go out wearing this standard, bulky, and hideous blue Taoist Robe. B. Since it's ugly, just don't wear it at all. Go out in only sheer underwear to show off a feral, wild beauty. C. Change into a gentle, virtuous, domestic outfit that precisely hits the little brother's psychological sweet spot.
"B! B! Absolutely B!"
The chaotic Youkai crowd in the living room were purely watching the excitement and absolutely didn't care how big or inappropriate the mess became. Since they weren't the ones being forced to actually wear it, they naturally, maliciously chose whatever option was funniest or most unhinged.
However, their loud choices were just for padding the chat; the one truly making the final, executive decision was our resident expert, Katsuragi Kaguya.
"This is supposed to be a wholesome, romantic galgame route. If we aggressively choose B right now, the age rating spikes and it instantly becomes a hardcore Eroge. That completely ruins the slow-burn pacing! Choose C. Alice, I'll leave the precise clothing synthesis to you."
Kaguya confidently adjusted her invisible glasses and glanced disdainfully at the massive group of immature pranksters. Did these ancient hags even know what pure, 2D love actually was? A bunch of pathetic, single dogs, all of them.
"I deeply understand the assignment. Stall the scene for exactly two minutes for me."
Back at the quiet Mansion of Dolls in the Forest of Magic, as long as she didn't actually have to face real people directly, Alice Margatroid was quite normal and highly competent. Hearing Kaguya's telepathic words, glowing, light-blue Magical Threads instantly extended from her ten nimble fingers. The dozens of lifeless dolls in the sewing room violently came to life one after another, efficiently dividing the massive labor and quickly, perfectly tailoring the required custom clothes in seconds.
"Ran, stall the scene. Wait two minutes before heading out the door. You'll change completely into the special 'Victory Outfit' we prepared for you in a moment."
What 'Victory Outfit'?! Lady Yukari, what on earth are you all discussing in there?! Ran panicked internally.
"Let's go. Ran, do you have something you haven't finished packing in your tail?"
Human men are naturally very quick to get ready to leave the house. Leo comfortably put on his canvas backpack and was fully prepared to hike, but seeing Ran still sitting completely frozen and nervous at the table was a bit strange.
"Um... I'm just going to quickly change my clothes. If we go to the sandy Seaside today, these specific robes will easily get sand trapped in them. Lord Leo, please wait for me outside the door for a bit. Just a few minutes."
Ran forced a polite smile, but she looked incredibly troubled and sweaty no matter how you sliced it. Heaven knows, she absolutely hadn't changed her signature style of clothes in all the hundreds of years she'd worked tirelessly at the Lost Home. The durable, magical fabric Alice brought back from Makai literally didn't wear out or stain unless it was violently damaged in intense combat. In other words, she had comfortably worn this exact same style of Taoist outfit for thousands of years. Now that she suddenly had to change into something completely foreign, she felt quite apprehensive and exposed.
"Oh, sure, then I'll just wait for you outside on the porch. Absolutely no rush."
Leo walked out the front door and closed the heavy wood behind him. Girls... even if he'd never actually been in a real relationship, he knew from TV that they were notoriously slow to get ready in the bathroom. So he'd patiently wait.
Anyway, it's not like he had to frantically rush to a corporate tech job right now. He didn't have to be like some miserable, married men back on Earth who, after working a whole exhausting 996 week, finally get a single day off only to be forced to wake up early to do heavy chores, cook at noon, exhaustingly accompany their wives shopping for hours in the afternoon, and help their screaming kids with math homework at night. Their designated "day off" was infinitely more physically and mentally exhausting than working at the office!
"It's perfectly done!"
Alice tossed the finished, perfectly folded clothes directly into the Gap, and Ran seamlessly received them simultaneously in the bedroom.
They didn't seem to have any obvious issues when folded, but when she nervously took off her heavy Taoist Robe and put the new garments on, her face immediately flushed a violent, burning red. She desperately wanted to reach out into the Gap and swap back to her old, comfortable clothes, only to tragically find that Lady Yukari had already maliciously, permanently taken the Taoist Robe away and locked it in a vault.
"How on earth am I supposed to go out in public looking exactly like this?!"
Ran was almost in absolute, humiliated tears. This... this specific outfit... it was simply too incredibly indecent and embarrassing! Where on earth did Lady Yukari magically copy this specific design from, some trashy Earth fashion magazine?! She'd explicitly said many, many times not to pick up random, weird human things that fell from the edge of the barrier into Gensokyo, and now they were all being weaponized and used directly on her!
"No problem at all! The Romance Master Kaguya says you have a perfect, absolute 'young wife' vibe now. It's just that your blonde hair is a bit too short, so we can't tie it into a tragic side-braid for maximum effect."
Lady Yukari, are you absolutely, 100% sure Princess Kaguya is actually playing a wholesome, pure romance game?! This specific, tropey outfit is strange and highly suspicious no matter how you look at it!
"Go on and open the door, or I'll forcefully take over your body and strut out there myself."
Creak~
The heavy wooden door slowly pushed open. Leo turned his head from the view of the jungle and saw Miss Ran only nervously poking her head out through the crack. The signature, frilly nightcap she usually wore on her head was entirely gone, and her fluffy, golden fox ears were fully exposed to the sun, twitching nervously in the breeze.
"Um... Lord Leo, do I... look a bit strange?"
Ran took a deep breath and carefully, shyly shifted her body out the door, fully revealing her new appearance to Leo in the sunlight.
She wore a soft, beige, incredibly form-fitting "virgin-killer" turtleneck sweater that clung perfectly to her curves, paired with comfortable linen trousers that were slightly loose but still flawlessly outlined the elegant shape of her long legs, with a frilly, domestic white apron tied securely over it. She looked exactly like a classic, dangerously sweet 'young wife' character straight out of a premium galgame.
"Hmm..." Leo rubbed his chin thoughtfully, inspecting her. "...it is a bit strange, honestly. Wearing a thick, knitted wool sweater in this humid, tropical island weather... as long as you don't mind the terrible heat and sweating, I guess."
"Are you absolutely kidding me right now?! Is that something a normal, red-blooded human male should focus on?!"
Back in the Lost Home, Kaguya Houraisan violently flipped the snack table over and cursed loudly, her pristine gamer image shattering.
"Pay attention to the incredibly sexy, domestic outfit! Baka-yaro! Psychological Analyst Satori, immediately check what this dense bastard is actually thinking!"
Could this possibly be a normal, functioning person's train of thought?! I exhaustingly burned my immortal brain cells to come up with this mathematically perfect, trope-heavy 'Young Wife Victory Outfit,' and your absolute, primary focus is on whether the wool sweater is physically too hot for the climate?!
I literally don't even blink when I kill people in games, and you're actually asking me if wearing a sweater in spring is hot?! Hot your grandma's dam!