When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
...
It was probably the tenth time I had listened to that song today. But I didn't blame myself; yesterday I couldn't sleep, I was crying and overthinking, trying to decide if I really needed to do this.
I wanted to find a way not to do it. I wasn't ready, and honestly, I don't think I ever will be. I'm going to get hurt if I do it, but I'll keep crying in corners if I don't. You know when you have to find the courage to give up on someone you love but who isn't good for you? Well... that is exactly the courage I don't have. I simply can't do it. It kills me painfully to think about it; it destroys me when this subject won't leave my head during the day. It breaks me to know that I allowed—and still allow—this feeling to pierce me so deeply.
And today I woke up, haven't even gotten out of bed yet, just lying here listening to "Fix You" for the eleventh time. How I wish I could fix myself right now. Over the last year, I realized that I want my boyfriend but I don't need him. It might seem illogical, right? But only I know what I'm going through, and only I know how tired I am.
I was shaken out of my daydreams, feeling more sad than anything else, when Eli's voice began to ring through the room the moment the Coldplay lead singer's voice faded out.
"Aren't you planning on going to the university today?" Weza, my best friend, asked.
"Honestly... no, I don't feel like it," I said, covering myself tighter with the quilt.
"You can't martyrize yourself over a relationship where only you gave your body and soul. That's not fair to anyone, Theoany."
"I'm not doing that. I just don't want to face reality so soon. I don't want to... think about it... not anymore."
"Girl, stop it, okay? Sometimes I just want to slap some sense into you. You have to step out of your comfort zone if you really want to grow. This pain is as necessary as breathing. What did Eli say?"
"Ugh," I murmured. "Step out of your comfort zone if you want to grow."
"Yes, Theo. How about this... you don't go to the university today, I'll let it slide, but you're coming with me to a bar at six."
"Are you going to make me drink to forget? Great friendship," I huffed sarcastically.
"No, none of that. You're just going to have some fun, Theo. A little, but you're going."
"Fine. Stop by here later then. Lia has probably already left."
"Kisses, princess."
"Kisses," I said and hung up.
I got out of bed, cleaned myself up, and took a shower. I went downstairs to the living room and, as I imagined, Lia was no longer home. Lia is my older sister; we live together by choice. Our parents are fine, doing very well, but when she decided to move out, I practically begged to go with her. I didn't like the atmosphere at my house, so I did what I could and left with my sister.
I went to the kitchen and had breakfast. I did my "younger sister" chores; since it was just the two of us and Chris, we didn't have much to complain about regarding the division of tasks.
Nothing important happened after that. I spent the rest of the day watching movies and series until I fell asleep, waking up to the sound of the doorbell.
"What time is it?" I asked as a bouncy Weza walked into my house.
"Quarter to five. Why?" She brushed past me and lay down on the sofa.
"I remember we agreed on six, Weza."
"And? I had nothing to do until then, so I decided to come early."
"You had nothing to do, what a surprise," I huffed, annoyed, and lay back down on the sofa.
"You've been so sluggish lately. All because of him. All because you can't look him in the face and say 'It's over'."
"And you think it's easy? I've been with him for almost two years. There's a bond, a connection, an intense link."
"People come and go, Theo. He definitely won't be the last."
"I'm not ready to do this yet. It's going to be like tearing a part of me away and that... my God, just thinking about it is painful enough."
"I know, Theo. It's just that you need to go through this. It's probably not even passion you're feeling anymore; it might just be the need to be with him. You've been together a long time."
"Let's stop talking about this, please," I said, massaging my temples.
"As you wish. Let's get ready, shall we?" she asked as she stood up and walked toward the stairs.
"Get ready? It's five in the evening, we're leaving at six."
"Yes, but you take an eternity to find clothes, and I don't want to be late, especially since we're meeting Damon there."
"Ahhhhhhh, it's all explained now. I'm not going to be a third wheel for you guys," I said, walking to the stairs.
"And you think I'd let that happen? You're going to be my priority, my focus, my life goal... my... my... anyway, you get the idea, right?"
"I'm not going."
"You're not going to be a third wheel for anyone. You're just going to have fun, even if I have to hire a stripper for you."
I didn't answer.
"So, how about a skirt?"
"No."
"Shorts?"
"No."
"A short little dress to pick up some guy?"
I looked at her and made a face.
"You know I have a boyfriend."
"Who loves you?"
"Are we going back to this conversation? Because if we are, lock the door when you leave."
"Fine, but you definitely have to choose something to wear, unless you want to go naked, of course, because I'm dragging you there either way."
"I don't want to go out today. I want to stay here and listen to 'Fix You' by Coldplay. That song suddenly says everything I need to hear right now."
"Theo!" She sat on the bed with me and just looked at me for a few seconds, until she got up and connected her phone to my speaker, and Eli's voice began to play moments later.
Temporary people Temporary feelings Everything is so pointless Say a bunch of things Make me fall in love Then let's give up There's no reason to live There's no reason to live
She looked at me and made a sad face.
I am sad I am so sad I am sad I am so sad I am sad I am so sad I am sad I am so sad Hey girl, you're beautiful Wait, no, that's a watermelon
She made a confused face and I laughed at the ridiculous act she was putting on just to make me happy. I smiled again and sang with her.
It's been so long since I've had some affection from a woman I am so alone I don't have a reason to live I'm looking for a reason to live I am sad I am so sad I am sad I am so sad I've been hiding for a long time, yeah I've been trying to forget her How could she go so easily? Now I'm giving up completely I've been trying hard, yeah I've got to move on and How could she come so briefly? Always falling in love so deeply You can go You can go You can go You can go
She stopped singing and smiled, and I did the same. She turned serious and sang the last parts of the song, looking deep into my eyes.
You want to know what's sad? You can give everything you have to a person And you can be perfect for that person You can be everything they want, and you can do it perfectly And it still won't be enough Because nothing is ever enough and everyone sucks
"And everyone sucks," I repeated.
"Exactly."
"Let's get ready. I'm ready," I said excitedly.
"That's the spirit."