As the heat rising from my body clings to the fire in my soul and feeds it, I want to cry.I know I can't.The sparks that gather in my eyes will dry where they are.
My tears are arrested once again by the guards of my mind.My soul stands alone, defenseless, exposed.
I can't endure the darkness any longer. I part my eyes. I remember falling asleep in the living room. I shift my body, curled up on the chair by the window. The moment I move, my tongue refuses to stay silent as my ankles flare with pain.
"Ah."
I realize not listening to Rowan was a mistake. Two days ago, after he walked me all the way to my door, I didn't even offer him a coffee. The rudeness of it brushes against my mind now. His words echo back to me, how I could let him know if I needed help.
When I laughed, the warmth of his soul had scattered instantly inside my poisonous mind. Back then, I hadn't thought about how carefully I was trying not to let either his laughter or that warmth contaminate it. Now, the aching in my ankles makes it clear how foolish it was to refuse his suggestion to call a doctor.
My eyes fill as pain blurs my thoughts even further, and I grow angry with myself.
"I'm an idiot!"
"Who do you think you are to live anyway? Idiot."
The signals I send to my mind strengthen my tears. I erase them before they can reach my cheeks.
I can't call anyone.I can't ask anyone for help.I can't make my voice heard.I can't expect anyone to hear me.
I shouldn't.
I take a deep breath. As the claws of loneliness carve marks into my soul, I try to stand. It takes far less time than I expect to find myself on the floor again.
I'm weaker than I thought.
My thoughts, on the other hand, are far stronger. They've built an empire on top of my weakness. My heart, crushed beneath that empire's rule, trembles under the weight my mind keeps adding.
"Damn it!"
I hope Rowan didn't hear that fall.
I hope he doesn't see me fall again.
Or…
Let him hear it.Let him see it.
Let someone hear me, already.
Let that someone be Rowan.
He has already seen you.
The thought rising from my heart softens my soul, and for a fleeting second, I feel outside the world I'm in. Maybe a second, maybe less. And then… nothing follows.
What nonsense am I thinking?
As I force myself up, I unknowingly put all my weight on my ankle. Another wave of pain spreads through my body. I grit my teeth and release a breath into the emptiness.
I don't understand how I managed to feel him this close to me all at once.
The sounds reaching my ears come from downstairs. Rowan is pressing a few piano keys, over and over.
Why do you stop?
For a moment, the ache in my ankle fades beneath the shadow of my thoughts. As the feeling of being pathetic spreads from my mind to my heart, I sense exhaustion seeping into my body along with my soul. My heart aches under the weight that gathers from my mind and settles into my spirit.
All I can manage is a hoarse breath.That's all I can do.Try.Try to resist.Get tired while resisting.
All of it belongs to a cycle that has fused with me.
The absence of someone whose face I could look at and feel myself breathing, someone whose shoulder I could rest my ringing head against, tests my soul. Dust-like pains gather into a cloud, and that cloud sinks onto my soul. The dust falling from it clogs my nose. I struggle to breathe.
There is no dust in the air.There are no clouds in the sky.The dust is in my heart.The clouds are in my soul.
A single note reaches my ear and pushes me toward something I never thought I would do. I lift the vase in my hand above my head, ready to hurl it to the floor. I pause for a few seconds.
I can't.I don't.
I can't break the vase just so Rowan will hear me. I don't want him to hear a sound. I want him to hear me. I don't have the strength left to struggle or to imagine. I can't stop words from wrapping themselves around my mind.
Hear my silence.Hear my incomplete breaths.Hear me without me saying anything.
Because I don't have the courage to let you hear my voice.My heart wants you beside me, but it has not even a gram of courage.
Please, let one of you truly hear me.
Thinking someone could hear me while I'm silent, feel the dust, is absurd.
Life isn't full of people who notice the subtle things.
Everyone is calculated, measured, rough.
The clarity of old lives has retreated into hidden corners.The ashes of fake, fast lives have scattered everywhere, burning throats and drying hearts.
The sound of a door pulls me out of my thoughts. I tear my locked jaw, aching mind, and eyes ready to overflow away from their alliance. A single effort might help. I am so tired.
God, please don't bind me to anyone.God, don't listen to me.I don't want to be alone. Even if I will end up alone, I don't want to be alone right now. I want to step away from loneliness itself, just a little.
I move toward the door with my limping ankle. As the trembling in my heart spreads through my body, I feel the fog in my head begin to clear. When I open the door, I'm met with an expression on Rowan's face I can't quite define. I know I would have to know him to understand it. Some expressions, some words, only surrender themselves once you know their owner.
Rowan is cautious.
"Are you okay?"
I feel bitter under his question. The bitterness dissolves when his hand reaches for my arm, when his fingers touch my skin gently. Curious. He is genuinely curious about me.
I answer differently than expected.
"How did you know?"
The words that fall from my mouth hurt, as if I've wounded the person in front of me more than myself. My soul burns twice as much. When you approach something forbidden, everything doubles.
My tears become circles of fire.
What extinguishes the blaze in my eyes is a pair of arms reaching for me.
My soul, thirsty for another soul, moves together with my body, starving for warmth. For the first time, I take shelter in someone other than myself. I find myself in the arms of someone I met only days ago. Without hesitation, I place my head on his shoulder, my arms around his back.
As the feeling that blooms when I rest my head on the shoulder of someone who cares spreads through my veins, I draw a deep breath. The air feels so clean. And his scent…
Forbidden.
I pull away. The pain burning my heart is fanned by my eyes. As I feel the lump in my throat return, I fix my gaze on the wall behind Rowan. When I sense him shift a moment later, I try to retreat further.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have hugged you. For a moment, I was really—"
I hear Rowan's voice.
As if he didn't hear me.
"Lena… your ankle…"
My mind understands why he moved and sends a late signal to my soul. With misted eyes, my lips offer Rowan a broken smile. His eyes close for a brief moment. Though he can't name it, my soul senses that I am inside something beautiful.
My soul has never tasted moments like this before.
Neither has my heart.
The moment Rowan pulls his gaze away, he slips out of my view. The touch I feel on my ankle belongs to his fingertips. I take small breaths. He is so gentle, touching the bruise with only the tips of two fingers. Meanwhile, I'm close to exhaustion from shifting all my weight onto my other leg.
A warm waterfall flows from my heart into every cell. This must be what living is. A constant surge through the veins. How can a single touch give rise to such a cascade?
As Rowan rises from his crouch, his eyes lead me to the only thing I value in this world: kindness. Looking into his eyes, the idea of being a good person, no matter what, roots itself deeper in my mind. I'm afraid. Afraid of hurting someone other than myself. Afraid my thoughts might cling to another soul and poison it.
That is forbidden.
My tears want to spill shamelessly the moment I meet his eyes. The intensity of it hurts.
Rowan shifts, as if uneasy within the moment.
"You shouldn't be standing," he says, already leaving marks on my arm with his grip.
He pulls me toward him, guiding me inside. The sound of the closing door feels like a warning. Once seated, I fall silent, but my mind keeps working. My mind frightens me. When I hear Rowan's voice, my noisy thoughts retreat.
"Come on, let's wash your face."
Only then do I realize that the drops beginning to fall by the door have joined and soaked my cheeks. I'm left alone with the shame of that realization. I don't know what Rowan is doing. I avoid turning my tear-marked eyes toward him.
I take the hand he offers. Though the weight on my heart has eased, my breathing is still uneven. When I stand, he notices the pain in my ankle.
"Put your weight on me. Don't step on it."
I do as he says. The voice inside me slips through the opening it finds.
Do you realize what you're pulling this man into?
He's just helping.
Pray it doesn't turn into constant helping.
The sound hitting my face extinguishes the voice inside me, its smoke drifting out through the window.
One of Rowan's hands is on my arm. The touch of his fingers on my face pulls me out of the pit I'm in. Carnations fill the air. When the second splash hits my face, I find the courage to lift my eyes to him. Tears now rest openly on my skin. The moment I meet his gaze, a gentle waterfall flows from my heart. Neither cold nor burning like it was at the door. There is a breeze in his eyes.
Butterflies pass through my mind, each carrying a different thought on its wings. Everything is bright now. My soul, my mind, and most of all my heart. I'm sure my eyes have taken on their clearest shade. As the sorrow in my heart softens, a peace I have never known settles into my breaths. Rowan gives me back the breaths I had lost.
I feel an urge to study him more closely, and I can't stop myself. He isn't aware of my gaze, busy drying my face with a towel. The rising and falling towel works harder than I do to hide my stare.
More than anything, I want to meet his eyes. His dark brown eyes promise me peace. When Rowan finally places the towel back, our eyes meet.
And then something I never wanted happens.
I'm afraid.
The dark clouds crossing my mind stain the waterfall black, shortening my breath. I'm afraid. Afraid of hurting someone other than myself. Afraid of pulling him into my circle.
Rowan notices my distress.
"Don't be afraid."
The fear evaporates, bound to a single word from him. My mind collapses inward. My heart reels in hysterical surprise, my lips trembling.
"We'll take care of your ankle," he says.
As if that were my only problem.
No one knows me better than I know myself.
I am the sole witness to the battles inside me.