"I have nothing if not the damages that life appointed unto me. I am nothing if not the life experience I obtained through sheer resolve and insane pain. What am I, a lost soul wandering through battlefields. I am, through the lands and the shootings, a living sin. Embodiment of horror. A cadaver that kills real, living breathing humans for no reason. Ler has my blood by now, I have his face. As blind as I am, I see what he's plotting, his own mental issues directed at me and no one to shut him down but my weapons. I guard nothing but my own death, if I have no life of mine to protect, do I claim anything? Raven will live, despite her own crimes and sins I beg God, noy for my soul to keep but for her life to remain. Not in vain but in happiness and joy. My dead wife's blood, while on her hands, should not be and shall not be judged upon Raven's life and well-being. May she outlive me forever, last of my friends, last of the four, last of the gang. Forgiveness means nothing to me, but if I am ever able to return what she did to me, I would formally abstain. Sacrament is acceptable and obtainable. It is a possibility and my landmarks orbit around this chance to send her to Heaven. Not by killing her but leading her through the Way of Heaven, leading people to Heaven while alone I dwell in purgatory to expiate for my sins. Perhaps this is the way. My way. My own way, not any of the preexisting ones. I'll never be able to truly express how sorrowful and emotionally suffocating this all is, how lonely and torturous of a path I walk, I'll never truly grasp its' depth either. The only outcome for me is to suffer and beg God, to implore thee to find repentance and change for the best, to qualify for God's grace, might it have been annointed to me at birth or not by His will. By choosing the Way of Purgatory, I have distanced myself from His grace, and of what I can expect from this world, is of terror or struggle or both, I keep faith in thy word. A sublime message and promise that despite the pain, an eternal rest in your Kingdom remains a chance.Lord you have sent me an angel, now and forevermore I see. From the moment I could count, read and write and walk and talk, I could tell people if their loved ones had reached either heaven or hell, and they would love me or hate me respectively according to each of the two answers. Not that I could change the past anyway, but loss and grief don't abide by logic, only strong feelings and I've been there. Maturity was my goal too. I'm not sure of my age but I know for a fact that I am old enough to be self-aware of my actions. Lord grant me a sign in this puzzling quest, a faint light in the darkness, crumbles in the forest so I know my path. Bring me to completion, in this life allow me to accomplish more than your will, my own merit stems from your many layers of goodness. My actions, birthed by my free will, track my record of evil and treachery. I am not just the sins you've made your believers aware of, I am the circles of hell they end up in when their love for the world outshines their love for Thee. Absolved I am upon your grace, no mount for me to take but my own pain, my very own liturgy and respect, for the God and only God to make my road a straight but honorable walk. Humbled I am from the misery and hunger, changed I remain from the tribulations you allow for me to take. I reckon thee your presence everywhere, I cling on to your word, this promise of eternity, valuable and true, and hereby sentence myself to the struggle I deserve to engage. Married to no one and punished for being alive, if such was my way, fated to be, I mark my life as yours, for my soul was yours to begin with, a drop in the ocean, your holy water to drink from the Earth and rejoice, for your creation to be adored in reverence and joy, I blame not them or your holy person but I, the guilty in this trial. Words for confession I use, actions to prove my faith on this altar that is my survival, proof that I believe, faith by walking this wretched world, demonic planet, for mine to conquer and respect. For every drop of blood I bring myself closer to you, I expiate once again, this time in knowing thee and thy glory, I claim this purgatory and ultimately confess I deserve the judgement of the Holy, for my body to rot on my own cross to carry, linked to thy trinity. The horned-covered ladder that leads to your feet, that I grip with all my might, for every step I engage in, through your will and word I know, is meant and taken, carried by your divine help and divine presence, is the correct path as my own hands make blood rain on those who choose to not believe. In their insanity they will claim nothing but fairy tales instead of reality, they will lose themselves in tragedy, the pit of despair named ignorance, that holds the unknowing and greedy in its' own abyss akin to a carnivorous flower attracting the sheep into its' fangs and hole, for it to kill and eat and feast on their corpses. While above them I stand, a sinner I remain. In this life I philosophy, wondering, if not for God, who do I live for. If no sign and no presence, no divinity and no goal, what is the meaning of existence. I cling unto your eternity, scared and crying, while a faithful human I remain. Doubts and hesitation, marks of the beast, are not unknown of me, for many years have I killed and lived in anxiety. Yet I believe, for my Lord to be real, may His spirit guide me, to His Kingdom where I'll worship his presence."
