I woke up to the smell of mold, rat droppings, and what I desperately hoped wasn't a corpse rotting in the corner.
"Ugh... five more minutes, Mom..."
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: WELCOME TO ARDENFALL ONLINE]
[CHARACTER: KYLE HENDERSON]
[STATUS: DEATH ROW INMATE]
[TIME UNTIL EXECUTION: 183 DAYS, 7 HOURS, 23 MINUTES]
[SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 0.03%]
I bolted upright, smacking my head against the stone ceiling.
"OW! What the—"
My gaming chair was gone. My triple monitor setup was gone. My limited edition waifu mousepad was gone. Instead, I was sitting in literal medieval filth, wearing rags that smelled like they'd been passed down through three generations of plague victims.
And floating right above my head was a glowing blue status window.
"No. No no no no NO." I rubbed my eyes. "This is just sleep paralysis. Very vivid, very detailed sleep paralysis where I can smell everything and—OH GOD WHY CAN I SMELL EVERYTHING?!"
[SYSTEM: ANALYZING USER... COMPLETE]
[SPECIAL ABILITY DETECTED: CHATBOX READER (EX-RANK)]
[DESCRIPTION: YOU CAN SEE THE DIALOGUE BOXES OF ALL CHARACTERS. READING DIFFICULTY INCREASES WITH TARGET'S POWER LEVEL.]
I stared at the notification. Then I started laughing. The kind of unhinged laughter that makes people question your sanity.
"CHATBOX READER?! Are you KIDDING me?!" I wheezed. "I'm about to be executed and my cheat ability is READING COMPREHENSION?!"
"Oi, new meat's finally awake."
I whipped around to see a mountain of a man in the cell across from mine. Bald head, scarred face, arms thicker than my torso. Your classic fantasy prison brute.
And floating right above his head:
[PRISONER #2187 - "GRANITE" MORRISON]: Poor kid. Looks like he's already lost it. Maybe I should share my bread ration... Nah, he's getting executed anyway. Wait, is that the guy who supposedly stole Lady Celestia's panties? Respect.
"I DIDN'T STEAL ANYONE'S PANTIES!" I shouted.
Granite blinked. "...I didn't say nothing about panties, mate."
Oh. OH NO.
I slapped my hand over my mouth, but Granite was already squinting at me suspiciously.
**[GRANITE]: Did this scrawny kid just read my mind? Nah, impossible. I've been in here too long. The isolation's getting to me. Although he does have that crazy look that Duke Vermont had before he awakened his psychic powers and escaped... Should I shank him preemptively?
"PLEASE DON'T SHANK ME!"
"...Okay, seriously, how are you doing that?"
Before I could dig myself deeper into this hole, the prison door clanged open. A woman in pure white nun robes entered, carrying a tray of food that looked only slightly better than the prison floor.
"Good morning, children of the Goddess," she said in a soft, melodic voice. "I've brought your breakfast."
She was beautiful. Like, "protagonist's childhood friend who's secretly the princess" beautiful. Gentle smile, kind eyes, flowing blonde hair under her habit.
**[SISTER ARIA]: There he is. Cell 47. Kyle Henderson. The idiot who saw something he shouldn't have. If he talks, the entire church conspiracy will unravel. I need to poison his food before—
I watched in horror as she reached into her robes and pulled out a small vial.
**[SISTER ARIA]: —wait, he's actually kind of cute when he's terrified. NO. Focus, Aria. You're an assassin, not a schoolgirl. Mission first, feelings never. But those eyes though... STOP IT.
"Um, Sister?" I said carefully. "I'm actually on a hunger strike. For... religious reasons."
She paused, the vial hidden in her palm. "Religious reasons?"
"Yes. I'm fasting to repent for my sins of... bread theft."
**[SISTER ARIA]: He's refusing food? Did someone warn him? Impossible. No one knows I'm here. Maybe he's just paranoid? Or actually religious? ...Why is that making him MORE attractive? Get it together, Aria!
"How admirable," she said, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. "But surely the Goddess would want you to keep your strength up?"
"The Goddess told me specifically in a dream: 'Kyle, don't eat anything that comes from pretty nuns.' Very specific dream."
**[SISTER ARIA]: DID HE JUST CALL ME PRETTY?! I mean—that's clearly a deflection tactic. He knows. He definitely knows. I should eliminate him right now. But if I kill him in front of Granite, there'll be witnesses. Maybe I can seduce him into trusting me first? WAIT WHY AM I CONSIDERING SEDUCTION?!
Granite was watching this exchange with the intensity of a man watching his favorite drama series.
**[GRANITE]: Holy shit, is the nun blushing? Is she into him? New meat's got GAME. I take back wanting to shank him. This is entertainment gold.
"Well," Sister Aria said, setting down the tray with perhaps more force than necessary, "I'll leave this here in case the Goddess changes her mind."
She turned to leave, then paused at the door.
"Oh, and Kyle? I'll be visiting every day until your execution. To provide... spiritual guidance."
**[SISTER ARIA]: If he won't eat poison, I'll find another way. Maybe a poisoned bible? A toxic confession booth? ...Or maybe I could just keep visiting him and see where this goes? NO. ASSASSIN. YOU'RE AN ASSASSIN.
The door slammed shut.
"Mate," Granite said slowly, "I think that nun wants to either kill you or kiss you. Possibly both."
"Yeah, I got that impression."
Before I could process the fact that one of the main heroines was apparently a church assassin sent to murder me, the door opened AGAIN.
This time, a girl around my age stumbled in, pushed by a guard. She had messy black hair, dirt-smudged cheeks, and was wearing the same prison rags as me.
"New cellmate for you, Henderson," the guard grunted. "Try not to corrupt her before your execution."
**[GUARD JENKINS]: Can't believe they're executing this kid over bread. Meanwhile, Duke Blackwood's son killed three people and got community service. This kingdom is going to hell. Also, I really need to pee.
The girl was shoved into my cell, and the door locked behind her.
She looked up at me with the biggest, most innocent eyes I'd ever seen.
**[PRISONER #2193 - "SERA"]: Target acquired. Kyle Henderson, age 19, condemned for theft but actually witnessed the Duke's illegal mana trade. Eliminate before trial. Make it look like an accident. ...Wow, he's actually really cute for a dead man walking. Focus, Sera! You're the kingdom's top spy, not a romance novel protagonist!
I stared at her.
She stared back.
**[SERA]: Why is he looking at me like that? Does he know? Impossible. My cover is perfect. Play the innocent wrongly accused girl. That always works.
"H-Hello," she said with a trembling voice. "I'm Sera. I was arrested for stealing medicine for my sick brother..."
**[SERA]: (I don't have a brother.)
"They sentenced me to six months too..."
**[SERA]: (I'm leaving in three days once I complete the mission.)
"I'm so scared..."
**[SERA]: (I've killed seventeen people.)
"Could you... protect me?"
**[SERA]: (From myself, apparently, because WHY IS MY HEART RACING?!)
I looked at the assassin nun who wanted to poison me. Then at the spy cellmate who wanted to "accidentally" kill me. Then at Granite, who was watching this unfold like it was premium cable television.
**[GRANITE]: My man's got TWO death flags disguised as waifus. This is the greatest thing I've ever witnessed. I'm gonna miss him when he's executed. IF he makes it to execution. Smart money says the nun gets him first.
I took a deep breath.
Six months until execution. Two assassins who might be falling for me. One chatbox-reading ability. And absolutely no idea what I supposedly witnessed that made me this popular.
"Okay," I muttered. "Okay. I can work with this. I've cleared Dark Souls with a dance pad. I've 100% completed Getting Over It. I've survived League of Legends solo queue. I can survive two cute girls trying to murder me."
"Did you say something?" Sera asked innocently.
**[SERA]: He's talking to himself. Either he's crazy or he knows something. Should I eliminate him tonight or gather more intel? ...Why do I keep staring at his hands? FOCUS.
"Just praying," I said with my best innocent smile.
**[SISTER ARIA - OUTSIDE THE DOOR]: Why do I feel jealous of that new prisoner? I'm literally here to kill him. This is ridiculous. I'm a professional!
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: MAIN QUEST ACTIVATED]
[SURVIVE YOUR EXECUTION: 183 DAYS REMAINING]
[SIDE QUEST ACTIVATED: DON'T GET MURDERED BY YOUR LOVE INTERESTS]
[BONUS OBJECTIVE: MAKE THE ASSASSINS ACTUALLY FALL FOR YOU (DIFFICULTY: IMPOSSIBLE)]
This was going to be a long six months.