Anna:
My thoughts began to overwhelm me, and I found it hard to control them. What will my parents think? Will my boyfriend of 5 years take me back? Negative emotions flooded my senses, and I couldn't push them aside. My mind often raced with feelings of failure, self-doubt, and anxiety, leaving me feeling completely defeated and hopeless.
They were the torment of my life, and I couldn't secure space in my own mind—each negative thought and worry sank further. I needed time. Time to sort things out, to be alone, or so I told myself. I wish I could love him as he loved me, but I felt nothing—no remorse, no flicker of affection. Is love just an emotion, or is it a choice we make each day—regardless of how we feel? I grew weary of wrestling with each passing thought, dissecting every feeling. Yet again, I questioned myself: maybe if I just...
"No!" I said out loud. Chassis, I was instantly embarrassed; someone might have heard my outburst. But I struggled to keep the floodgates closed.
I, my family, close friends, and loved ones are suffering because of me. I conjured up all these imaginative scenarios. Adrian, the sweet boy I dated throughout high school, was standing there, reading the note I left behind. He was wondering what he did wrong, questioning what and where it all went south. I imagined Adrian driving to every one of their doors, begging for me, and I know he would. That is why I convinced myself that if I got as far away as possible, things could become clear. I could escape the consequences of my own actions. And here I am, on this excursion, blowing up my whole life to find myself. I huffed.
My cheeks flushed as I tugged at the collar of my sweater. I felt hot, and the hallways began to close in as couples walked past, hand in hand. Their passion and desire for each other irked me. I was trying to run from my life, not relive what I was running from. I slammed my shoulder into a side door as my heart started to pound. Stepping out onto the deck, I reached for the rail. My grip tightened around the steel, and the frozen metal prickled my fingers. Tears were hot on my cheeks as I gasped for air. I gripped the chain around my neck and twirled the silver cross. I felt it fumble in between my fingers, I pondered the reason for my existence, and stood there numb. The horn blared as the massive ship approached port. I tried to steady myself, but the waves crashed hard against the cruise ship. I braced for impact but knew this was the moment that I had to let go. I could not hold on any longer. I tugged hard and watched the cross sparkle one last time. The necklace was the only thing I had from Adrian. And I watched it dissolve into nothingness like the last bit of light in my heart.